


The Soul Behind The Name

by reellifejaneway



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Love Confessions, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-06 04:56:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 109,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1845121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reellifejaneway/pseuds/reellifejaneway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Kira Shepard was more than a 'soldier', more than a 'woman', more than 'beautiful' and more than a 'hero'. She was mine. Mine. And somehow, when everything else fails, words help me to bring her back. Just the way she was." Based on my first (and favourite) Shepard, "The Soul behind the Name" is the private memoir of Kaidan Alenko, detailing his untold love story with Commander Kira Shepard throughout the Mass Effect trilogy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan recalls the very first time he saw the Normandy, Captain Anderson, and Commander Kira Shepard. Little did he know that his life would never be the same...

I wish I had never agreed to this.

It is a foolish idea in hindsight, but something in me is longing to tell the truth, to get the real story recorded somehow before it is lost to the faded memory that time brings. Will people believe what I have to say? Probably not. I am more than aware that the media has created its own tale surrounding us, our exploits and our secrets. They will never know how much their words hurt me. But maybe there is a chance here to set the record straight. I am the only one who can, because I know the reality. I know the soul behind the name, the lover within the soldier, the aching heart that beat so powerfully behind that thick metal shell.

Sure, I knew her. But it was so much more than that. I loved her. And out of all the men she’d ever met, out of all the ones who fought for her attention, she chose me – and she chose to love me back.

“Major Alenko?”

My temples are throbbing slightly as I lift my head, meeting the gaze of the reporter sitting opposite me.

“I just want to take the opportunity to thank you for doing this,” Emily Wong watches me over the top of her datapad, “And for asking me to be here. I can’t tell you how much of an honour this is.”

I stretch my shoulders a little, sitting back in my chair. “I’m doing this for her. You’re the only reporter she ever trusted, so please promise me that you’ll keep your word.”

“I promised you that I wouldn’t release this publically, and I intend to keep my word. I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she replies steadily, a compassionate smile playing across her face. “The book is yours, Major Alenko. I’m just happy to be involved in the project. Now, are you ready to begin?”

I swallow nervously, that familiar sensation of cold sweat breaking out on the back of my neck. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Just relax and tell me what you see in your mind. It will come to you.”

I nod and fold my arms. “Where do you want me to start?”

“Take me back to when you first saw her.”

“Yeah, sure. I can do that.” I close my eyes and let the memory claim me…

 

* * *

 

\--- 2183 ---

“Attention!”

The call echoed around the hangar, jerking me abruptly out of my reverie. I feel a slight bump on my elbow, and glance to my left.

Richard Jenkins grins awkwardly as he leans past me, his eyes sparkling with eagerness. “There he is – that’s Captain Anderson!”

I chance a look out of the corner of my eye as our new commanding officer strides onto the dock. His tall, broad-shouldered frame is stark against the light of the Nebula. From this distance, I can’t distinguish his facial features at all.

“I can’t see anything,” I mutter to Jenkins beneath my breath. “Joker, can you see?”

“Not really, but looks like we’ll get our chance in just a moment. He’s coming this way,” Joker retorts, his green eyes flickering jovially. “Battle faces, everyone.”

 A boot collides with the back of my shin. “Shhh! Do you want us all on report?” Engineer Adams whispers harshly.

 _No – no I really don’t!_ I take a shaky breath and draw my back up a little straighter. _I want to make a good first impression._ Jenkins, on the other hand, is more concerned with catching a glimpse of our new captain. I bite back a groan. _Why couldn’t I be in the second row?_

I turn my attention back to Anderson. He’s looking away from me, looking back out the doors as though he’s waiting for something.

 _Oh please hurry up and get this over with._ I’ve never mentioned it to anyone before, but I really hate parades. My boots are new and they’re eating at my toes... That probably isn’t helping.

As I watch, two more figures emerge from the elevator, moving to stand next to Anderson. I recognise one as Navigator Pressly. I’ve seen him hanging around the Normandy, making adjustments to the systems. But the other one? _That must be the Normandy’s First Officer_ , I guess. The two shake hands, and then begin to walk down the line-up of crew towards me. As they approach, I can start to make out faces from the silhouettes.

Anderson possesses a placid but determined demeanour. I immediately like him. He’s taking a moment to greet every member of the crew, familiarising himself with each of our names and ranks. As he stops in front of me, I salute him.

“You must be Lieutenant Alenko,” He greets me, extending his hand.

I grasp it and shake it firmly, “Yes, Sir – Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lieutenant. How do you like the Normandy?”

I glance over my shoulder toward the silver and black warship docked behind us, a slight, tingling sensation running up my spine. “She’s a fine ship, Sir. I’m honoured to be a part of the crew.”

“That she is, Lieutenant. Carry on.” Anderson steps to the side to greet Jenkins, and the XO enters my line of vision.

 _Wow._ She’s beautiful.

With a height of five foot seven, she has to look up slightly to meet my gaze. Her hair is a vibrant shade of auburn, glinting rusty orange. The light falls down one side of her face revealing pale skin dotted with faint freckles. Her eyes are almond-shaped with long, dark lashes. She peers up at me from underneath thick, determined brows, her golden-brown irises studying my face intently. Her crimson lips curl into a half-smile as she shakes my hand.

“Lieutenant,” She addresses me after a long pause, and immediately I’m enraptured by her voice. It is authoritative, almost stern, but there is softness to her manner. Despite her commanding tone, a faint hint of kindness lingers on the end of each word.

I fumble for a response, not entirely sure how to address her. My eyes glance down at her dress uniform epaulettes – three black bars. “Uh... _Commander_... Ma’am...” I let my words trail off as logic fails me.

She nods in acknowledgement, one of her brows lifting up slightly into a bemused expression. Then she strides past me, leaving me gawking like a fool.

My cheeks are burning with embarrassment.

 _Well, that was highly unprofessional, Alenko!_ I silently curse my brain for glitching on me like that. _All it takes is for a woman to look at you and you lose all your professionalism. What is she possibly going to think of you after a display like that? Great first impression. Just great._

Jenkins bumps my elbow once more, “Who was that?”

Joker snorts derisively from beneath his baseball cap. He glowers at me in admonishment, “You guys are kidding me right? That was Commander Shepard!”

 

* * *

 

 

It isn’t until almost a day later, after the Normandy has left the Citadel, that I get the chance to see her again. I am packing my footlocker, still feeling like an idiot. Jenkins has stuck around me for the past hour, rambling about Captain Anderson and speculating about being in charge of a warship. I think I must have tuned out about half an hour ago, but it isn’t until he’s disappeared that I realise I’ve basically been ignoring him. That makes me feel even worse.

My locker is confined, barely big enough to fit my gear at all. I’ve been posted to all kinds of places over the past few years, but being on a Turian-designed ship is vastly different. Living on the Normandy is a bit like living out of a tin can. It’s cramped. Every space is public. You’ve barely got privacy, let alone a space to call your own. I’ve taken up a part-time residence in a nook on the crew deck. It’s not private at all, but it’s relatively quiet. After spending an hour in the CIC, my head is pounding. Here at least I can find something for my hands to do. I’m pulling apart my new pistol and polishing it up when I hear footsteps across the room. I look up, partially out of curiosity... And partially out of hope.

There she is, standing in front of the lockers. Her back is turned to me, the faint yellow light bouncing off her hair like polished strands of copper. She has changed out of her dress-blues, instead sporting the typical alliance casuals. The mottled navy is a striking contrast against her hair.

I must have been staring for a long while. She pauses in the midst of packing away her gear, and turns around.

I immediately redirect my eyes to my gun, my gut churning. _That was stupid, Alenko, truly stupid. Do you honestly think she appreciates men sizing her up like that?_ I berate myself, _No, that’s not what it was. I was just... Yeah. Okay. I was sizing her up._

A pair of boots appears in the corner of my vision. I feel my last breath get stuck in my throat.

_Oh hell. She’s standing right next to me. Breathe... Breathe, damn it!_

I look up casually, despite the fact that my heart is pounding ridiculously in my chest. “Hey, Commander,” I say, doing my best to make my voice sound smooth.

_It’s not working._

She gives me that amused half-grin, her eyes glinting as her brow rises slightly. “Lieutenant Alenko, isn’t it? How are you settling in?”

“I’m just that, Ma’am... Uh, settled,” I search for the right words, mentally slapping myself. “And you? Are you... Uh, settled?”

“I think so. Tight quarters around here – though I’m sure we’ll all get used to it.”

“Yes, I’m sure we will, Ma’am.”

There is a long, uncomfortable pause. Shepard is no more than a foot away. She leans back fractionally, her arms crossed across her chest. I take the opportunity to observe her: Slender but strong, with thick upper arms. Her face is gentle, but her nose is thin and straight. It is a surprising trait, one that makes me stare for a moment. Somehow, though, it seems to work quite well with her brows and eyes. And her hair, styled in a long bob, softens the length of her face nicely. She’s quite beautiful to look at.

I emerge from my reverie to find that Shepard is studying me just as intently.

I scramble to find something polite to say, but she beats me to it.

“I’m just getting to know the crew,” Shepard smiles. “It’s great to meet you, Lieutenant.”

“Likewise, Commander.”

As she turns to leave, she glances back over her shoulder with a mysterious sparkle in her eye. And then she’s gone, leaving me with my pistol – and my mind – in pieces.


	2. Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan admits that perhaps he took a little longer to get to know Shepard than he would have liked. And at last he reveals a little of what she told him about her colonist background...

“Well?”

I look up from my cup of coffee. “Well, what?”

Emily rolls her eyes in impatience and taps the datapad. “Well, you two were obviously interested in each other. Please tell me you went somewhere with that interest.”

“Of course I did,” I reply, feeling slightly affronted.

“Well?” She repeats.

I take a sip of my coffee, “ _Well_ , it didn’t happen overnight. We spent a long time just talking between missions. Often I didn’t get to see her for more than five minutes at a time. Shepard was important – you know, the first human spectre, commanding the Normandy, leading the fight against Saren – and that meant she was busy. I was okay with that.”

“Liar.”

My eyes widen as I splutter, “What?”

The reporter shrugs, “I have never known any man to be ‘okay’ with his woman being kept away from him, whether it’s by work or by another man. C’mon, Kaidan, you didn’t even know her first name! Now spit it out – what happened between you two? You had to get to know her somehow.”

“I... I did... But it wasn’t a fast process. I had to let her come to me, you know?”

Emily frowns, drumming her fingers on the table. “You read her file.”

“No! No, I didn’t.” At Emily’s knowing stare, I let the mask of denial fall away. I grin awkwardly, “Yeah. I did. Please don’t write that down.”

Emily chuckles, “Of course not Major. But you admit that you were at an impasse.”

“It was not... No! It was not an _impasse_!” I put my hands in the air in protest. Then I sigh, “Okay. It was. But I didn’t _leave_ it that way... I let her know it was okay to talk to me.”

“Good, then tell me about her. I mean, we all know the _official_ story, but I want you to tell me about her history – tell me what made her who she was. Shepard grew up in the colonies. Did she ever tell you what that was like?”

I run a hand through my hair, “Yeah, she did. It was hard for her, you know? I could tell she didn’t like remembering that stuff. I had to let her come out with it in her own time.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I nod reluctantly, “I guess so. It doesn’t seem fair to leave it out.” I finish my cup, sitting back once more. “Shepard grew up on Mindoir...”

 

* * *

 

 

\---2170---

 

“Kira? It’s six thirty and dinner is almost ready.”

“Okay, Mom.”

The light is fading, sending a pale pink glow across the sky. On the horizon, the tell-tale rainclouds are beginning to mass, just like they do every night here on Mindoir. Kira estimates they have at least another hour before the rain comes. She returns to her friend, a little boy of eight, who is kicking a ball around the grass on her front lawn. “Isn’t it almost time for you to go home, Sam?”

Sam just laughs and keeps playing with the soccer ball Kira had given him. “Just one more round, Kira! Please?” His big blue eyes plead up at her. “It _is_ my birthday tomorrow. Please?”

Kira laughs and steps back, giving in to his pleas. “Alright, _one_ more round.”

“Alright!” Sam exclaims, kicking the ball toward her.

Kira’s shoe connects with the ball, sending it back across the grass to her young friend. “And there’s the kick off!” She adopts the voice of a sport commentator, to the boy’s great amusement. Sam is giggling mischievously as Kira dodges tauntingly from side to side, “It is the Mindoir Matadors versus the Eden Excelsiors – who will win the battle of the decade? This is the deciding round. Who will emerge with the champion’s trophy?”

Sam swings his leg around and fires the ball back at her. Kira lunges for it, blocking it from landing between the two bushes behind her. “And Eden blocks a goal!” Sam yells.

“Now the ball is coming back down the inside of the field. Is this Eden’s chance to save the game?” Kira kicks the soccer ball from foot to foot, grinning impishly as the little boy moves to match her.

“The Matadors are ready!” Sam shouts.

“And Eden is going to make a move – is this it? Is this the winning goal of the season?”

“ _No!_ ” Sam is laughing, racing to meet her in the centre of the yard. He kicks the ball from between her feet. “This is the winning goal!” His shoe connects with the skin of the ball, and it lands with a triumphant thud between the bushes.

Kira throws her hands up in the air, putting on a face of mock devastation. “And Eden has lost – the Matadors have the trophy!”

Sam pulls his shirt up over his head, running around the lawn with a victorious yell. It’s Kira’s turn to laugh. She seizes the boy gently by the arms, swinging him off the ground and ruffling his hair.

“Well done, Sam. Now quick – you’d better get home before your mother starts to worry,” she gives him a gentle push on the back.

“Thanks for the game, Kira!”

“See you tomorrow.” She waves to him from the front gate, then turns and walks inside.

The smell of hot bread greets her, wrapping itself around her like a warm hug. She can’t help but smile. This is her favourite time of day. The birds are singing as the sun sets outside, and inside, her mother is laying the dinner table. Her father is in the living room, sitting in his favourite chair and reading the evening headlines. He’d done that every day since she was very small. Even though it has been almost ten years since they relocated to Mindoir, her family had hardly changed. Part of Kira knows they never will, and the notion makes her silently grateful.

“Sam looked like he had a lot of fun today,” her mother, Anna, says to her from the kitchen doorway. She holds out a platter of sliced bread toward her, “You are so good to him.”

Kira smiles, taking the tray from her mother’s hands. “He’s been good for me too. I never thought I’d be any good with younger children.”

Anna shakes her head, “You have an old mind, sweetheart. Don’t let it condemn you before you’ve even begun.”

“I’ll try not to,” Kira nods as she takes the tray into the dining room.

Her father looks up from his datapad. “Hey, Button.”

“Hey Dad.”

“Is dinner ready?”

“I think so.” She places the bread on the table, and then leans over the back of the chair to press a kiss to his forehead. “Anything interesting in the headlines?”

“Yandoa had an incident yesterday. A cargo ship exploded in their atmosphere, causing wide-spread exposures to element zero,” William sighs, standing up and stretching his arms. “I can’t even begin to imagine what sort of consequences that will have on the colonists there.”

“Kira, sweetie, can you go and close the front door?” Anna wipes her hands on a tea towel, “I think the rain is going to start early this evening.”

“Sure.”

Walking down the hall, Kira pauses as she feels a faint tremor beneath her feet. Her brow furrows as her dad exclaims, “Did you feel that?”

Kira is just wrapping her hand around the door knob when suddenly it happens again. This time, it’s much stronger. The glass vase on the sideboard topples onto the ground, shattering around her feet. The pictures on the wall are shaking, scraping against the plaster. As Kira glances out the door, she can see the tiles falling from their roof and shattering on the ground.

_What is going on?_

A moment later, a ball of flame erupts overhead. The houses across the street are vaporised as a shockwave rolls across the ground. The force of it knocks Kira off her feet. She lets out a scream, closing her eyes against the wind that lashes at her through the screen of the door.

Strong hands grip her by the shoulders, pulling her back and away from the heat of the blast.

“It’s okay, Button, I’ve got you.”

She reaches up and wraps an arm around his neck. “Dad...”

“It’s okay.”

Kira looks up to see that her father has pulled a gun from the drawer of the sideboard. Her eyes widen, her throat tightening.

Her father was a doctor. While he had always kept the gun in the house, it was never loaded, and it was definitely never touched. Now, he was reaching for a heat sink, sliding it into the chamber with a dark look on his face.

“Anna, Kira, stay here and stay down.”

Anna reaches out and grabs him by the arm. “Be careful, Will.”

He nods, and then slowly opens the front door, disappearing beneath the thick blanket of smoke that has now enveloped their house.

Kira stands up, shakily at first, but soon her legs have regained their strength. “What was that?”

Anna’s face is pale. She bites her lip and doesn’t answer.

Then they hear it – gunfire. Long bursts of it come from across the street, followed by harsh screams.

Anna’s grip on Kira’s arm tightens. “Oh my...”

Suddenly, the front door is thrown open. The silhouette of a man fills the doorway, his gun outlined in the ghostly smoke. He aims the barrel straight at Anna.

“Step out here, now!”

Terrified, Kira’s mother complies. Now the ghostly figure points at Kira, “And you.”

She swallows back the bile rising in her throat. Her feet don’t budge.

The figure takes a step inside the house. As he does, Kira can begin to see his face more clearly now. She realises that he’s a Batarian – and that he’s wearing camouflage gear, just like the mercenaries in the news.

“Get over here,” He growls at her, cocking the gun menacingly.

Kira shrinks back, “What do you want with us?”

The Batarian sneers, “You’ll find out. Now move.”

Her mind races with options. After a long moment, Kira slowly shakes her head.

Anna’s mouth drops open, “Kira—”

Another Batarian appears in the doorway, grabbing her mother violently by the arm and putting a gun to her head. “Gorak, leave the girl. Code fifteen. We need to go – now.”

They back out of the house, slamming the door behind them and leaving Kira alone in the murky darkness. A drop of sweat rolls down her face.

_What now?_

Then she hears it – a low whistling sound.

In an instant, she’s thrown to the ground, lying helplessly on her back. The world disappears in a flash of brilliant white. She can’t hear or see. Her arms are pinned to her sides as debris rains down around her, pinning her down, burying her legs and her body... Somewhere beyond the confusion she can hear screaming. A voice echoes in her mind, shrieking, calling her name. Then she hears the gunfire, and the voice falls silent. As the bricks settle, Kira struggles to breathe. Her head swims from the pain.

_Can’t... Can’t move..._

She slips into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hello?”

A sharp jolt brings her back. It feels like just a few seconds have passed since the house caved down on her, but as Kira wakes, something warns her that it may have been a lot longer. Water is dripping down onto her face. She realises that somewhere above her, it is raining.

“Can you hear me down there?”

She slowly forces her eyes open. There is a tiny stream of light coming through the rubble above her. Water is seeping down through it, blinding her temporarily. “Yes... Yes I can.” Her voice is weak and raspy.

“Thank God.” It’s a man’s voice, deep and reassuring. “Don’t worry; we’ll get you out of there.”

Kira’s arms are scratched and bleeding, but nevertheless she manages to sit up a fraction in the small air pocket. A steel girder has come to a rest just above her, stopping the rest of the debris from burying her completely. Somehow, she’s still alive. Kira breathes a quick prayer of thankfulness. “What... What happened?”

“Just hang on.”

A rope is lowered down through the hole, and Kira grasps it with both hands.

“Are you able to move?”

“I... I think so.”

“Good. We’re going to pull you out, so wrap the rope around your waist.”

She follows the instructions, and sucks in a shaky breath. “I’m ready.”

The first pull is excruciating. Kira cries out as agony shoots through her. She fights to pull her legs out from under a pile of loose brick. She closes her eyes, fighting to stay conscious as dizziness and nausea set in. The next pull is a little kinder. Now she’s slowly inching her way up the narrow shaft. It’s only a few meters, but it feels as though it’s taken hours to get this far.

Finally, hands grip her shoulders and heave her out and into the rain. The water washes over her, rolling off her face as she collapses on her back. A man leans over her, his worried face obscured by a bright torch beam.

“You’re safe now,” he tells her in that kind voice.

Kira manages a nod despite the darkness seeping into the corners of her vision.

“My name is David Anderson. What’s yours, child?”

“Shepard.” She takes a deep breath, gulping in the cold night air. “Kira Shepard.”


	3. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan relives the memories of Virmire, and the loss of a good friend. But will the possibility of losing another drive him to break the rules once and for all?

 “...So Shepard joined the Alliance when she was eighteen,” I tell my reporter friend, reaching for the coffee jug to refill my empty mug. “She lived in care for a few years, but she felt so alone without her parents. Somehow joining the Alliance Navy felt like coming home.”

“No wonder Shepard never talked about Mindoir,” Emily Wong remarks quietly, her face downcast. “It must have really haunted her.”

“It wasn’t that she was haunted by it,” I interrupt, shaking my head, “Kira was tough. I don’t think she truly realised how strong she was until she emerged from under that rubble. No, Shepard told me later that she joined the alliance to do her dad proud, not to avenge his death. He had always supported the military, and she felt that being in the uniform was reassuring, like a silent tribute to her family.”

“That is so sweet,” Emily’s bottom lip is quivering. She puts a hand over her face. “Sorry, Major,” she apologises.

“That’s okay,” I pat her on the shoulder and top up her cup. “It was hard for me to hear it the first time too. And please – you can call me Kaidan. It’s not like I’m on duty.”

Emily takes a shaky breath and relaxes a fraction, swiping at her eyes. “Um... Okay then, Kaidan.” That familiar smile remerges, and the reporter resumes her interview. “Okay. So you and Kira did eventually come to know each other quite...”

“Intimately?” I interject.

“Well I was going to say ‘personally’ but I suppose intimacy really is at the crux of the story,” Emily nods. “There must have been a turning point – a time when you both realised that your friendship extended beyond sharing your duties and your histories. Can you remember when it happened exactly?”

I don’t even have to think. “Virmire. It was our most dangerous mission yet, and everyone was feeling it. Wrex was furious–”

“Wrex? _Urdnot_ Wrex?”

“Yeah, he was on the Normandy back in the day. He was good value and a great friend, but on Virmire he really lost his cool. It was discovering the breeding facility that did it. You see, they were breeding a new generation of Krogan that were free of the Genophage. The possibility of using this cure was too tempting for Wrex at the time: he and Shepard almost shot each other over it.”

“There was a stand-off?”

“I remember watching as Wrex drew his shotgun on Shepard. Next thing I knew, she had her rifle aimed at his chest. I knew she was fast on the trigger – possibly faster than he was – but the dread was still eating me alive. Ashley Williams was with me, watching the whole thing. She had her gun out and trained on Wrex’s head. I remember telling her to wait, to give Shepard a chance. It must have been about five minutes before Wrex backed down. I don’t know what Shepard said to him, but it worked. I mean, Wrex wasn’t exactly thrilled with Shepard’s negotiation, but he accepted it. And that was good enough for me. I can’t tell you how hard my heart was pumping at the thought of him putting a bullet between her eyes.”

Emily’s face blanches, “Is that when you realised...?”

“How much I loved Shepard?” I reach up to rub my shoulder, “I had always liked her. I _really_ liked her. But yeah, the thought of losing her made me realise I had to take a chance. I mean, there are regulations against that sort of thing. ‘Fraternization’ between officers and their subordinates is frowned upon officially. And I guess up until that moment it had been the rulebook that was holding me back.”

“Did you tell her then?”

“No. I didn’t get the chance. Captain Kirrahe and his men were determined to strike out against the facility, and they needed help. I volunteered.”

“How did Shepard react to you volunteering for a suicide mission?” Emily prompts after a moment of silence.

“She didn’t give much away on her face, but I just had a feeling that she was upset. Kira was an expert at hiding her feelings – at least, when we were in front of the crew. She never let her weaknesses show. I remember choking up as I told her how much I had enjoyed working with her. I wanted so badly to say that I felt for her, but Ash was watching me and I chickened out. Shepard covered for me in front of Ash. I guess she always knew what I was thinking.” I stare down at my coffee, fighting not to lose control of my emotions. In my mind I’m back there, standing on that beach and desperately trying to find the words to tell Shepard the truth. “I can still recall Ash’s last words to me: ‘ _that’s okay, LT. We’ll see you on the other side.’_ We all knew that there was a lot of potential for things to go wrong with the mission, and even though Shepard was the best soldier I’d ever seen, that thought didn’t make it any easier for me to leave...”

 

* * *

 

**\---2183---**

 

I throw my back against the boulder, biting back a curse as bullets whiz past overhead.

“Jaeto, seal that breach!” I yell at the Salarian behind me. I reach for my comm, “Ground Team, regroup and fall back to the barricade. Captain Kirrahe’s dead.”

I can hear the comm channel buzzing in my ear. Kira’s voice comes to me faintly, “ _This is Shadow Team... inside... facility... alarm disabled...”_ Then the line goes dead.

_Damn – the Geth have scrambled our radio signals._

The warm ocean water laps around my feet as I reload my rifle. The remainder of my Salarian squad mates are watching me cautiously, their faces lined with worry.

“We’re going to make it,” I reassure them, “Shadow Team has entered the breeding facility.”

Instantly I see a change in their faces – relief, anticipation, excitement. Now we just have to hold out a little longer until the Normandy can get the bomb in position. Then we can fall back to the AA tower.

_Come on, Shepard. I’m counting on you._

Virmire is a beautiful place for a vacation, but right now life is anything but a holiday. The Geth have got us surrounded, and there’s nowhere to go. We’re trying to save up the last of our ammunition, ensuring that each bullet hits its target. There is no margin for error here.

I lean out from behind the rock, my barrier glowing. I unfurl my fist and send a flare of blue energy toward a Geth sniper. It falls backward and into the water with a splash. It is not much of a victory, but right now these men need hope – even if it only comes in small doses.

Suddenly the Salarian on my right falls dead, a bullet through his forehead.

I choke back a cry of anguish.

_Mindless bloodshed – this is just so horribly wrong!_

At that moment, the AA tower above us sparks and flashes with electricity. My comm crackles to life, _“Shadow Team to Normandy, the jamming signal is offline and the guns are down.”_

My team lets out a whoop as I hear Joker acknowledge the victory, _“I’m bringing the Normandy in now, Commander.”_

But even as the silver warship approaches the facility, I hear a familiar, dreadful rumble. Casting my eyes skyward, I holler, “Geth dropship! Hold on, everyone, things are about to get messy.”

_Please don’t forget about me down here, Shepard._

A grey, silicon mass falls heavily onto the ground in front of me. It unfurls itself, drawing its bulky mass up to its full height – it’s a Geth Prime.

I let out a yell, unleashing the contents of my thermal clip into its chest. It barely makes a dent. The eight-foot-tall villain takes a step toward me, its giant red optical array settling directly on my face.

Terrified, I search left and right – I can’t move. The Geth have closed in, their reinforcements choking my team in behind this cloister of rocks. Our only hope is the AA Tower – but it will be a feat if any of us make it there alive.

I frantically grasp a new thermal clip and slide it into place, “To the Tower!” I yell, my voice cracking with strain.

The Prime has raised its gun, locking its sights on my chest.

_Go – NOW!_

I roll to the left and duck around the rock as the Geth open fire. Bullets ricochet off the rock, glancing off my barrier as I break into a sprint.

It is only a few hundred meters to the AA Tower stairs, but standing between us and safety are over two dozen Geth. The Salarians are running in front of me, their rifles blazing bullets to clear a path. One of the troops stops and turns about to fire at the Geth behind us – a moment later, he is dead. He falls in front of me, and despite the horror rising up in my chest, I force my legs to move faster. I leap over the body, my head reeling at the sight.

Right now, I just want to live. I want to survive live long enough to see Kira again, to tell her that I love her. My chest is aching as I suck air into my burning lungs – I wish she were here to spur me on. Even just hearing her voice over the comm would be enough for me.

_Shepard, do you know how much you mean to me? What would you say if I told you?_

I swing myself up onto the bottom ledge of the stairs, unleashing a torrent of shining biotic energy in the midst of the pursuing Geth. Several succumb, flying up into the air with squeals of unintelligible babble. As they repay my efforts bullet for bullet, I slip down and take cover behind the solid concrete banister.

_Oh Shepard, please talk to me – please just let me know that everything is okay!_

Shots are landing right above my head. I stumble up, keeping my body as low as I can while working my way up the winding stairwell.

“Jaeto,” I shout to the Salarian officer in front of me, “Tell the men to take cover behind those crates up ahead. The Geth won’t be able to get a clean shot.”

“Yes, Sir,” He acknowledges, passing on my orders up the straggling chain of soldiers.

But as we emerge onto the platform, I stop dead in horror.

The Geth are already here. There are dozens of them, guns at the ready and circling the edges of the platform with stealthy movements. As I watch, the dropship returns, hovering overhead in a display of deafening prowess. One of its massive guns turns rotates in my direction, letting loose an explosive volley of gunfire. I throw myself to safety behind a solid metal crate, all the while praying that it will hold together.

Knowing that my team is rapidly running out of options, I open an emergency communications channel. “Shadow Team, this is Ground Team, we are being overrun by Geth and need backup!”

There is no response – just static. The dropship must be interfering with our radios.

A toxic grenade lands near my boot. I stretch out my leg and kick it off the ledge, shuddering as I hear a sickening explosion below us.

“Shadow Team, do you read me? This is Ground Team. We’re pinned down at the AA Tower and are in need of backup – please acknowledge!”

_“Alenko... Bomb... Location...”_

I bite back a yell – I can barely hear Shepard at all over the noise. I glance up – the Dropship is moving away. I adjust the fine controls on my omnitool and try again. They should be able to hear me now. “This is Ground Team – please confirm previous message, Shadow Team.”

_“Alenko, this is Shepard. The bomb is in position and help is on the way.”_

Jaeto sends me a confused look – I smile at him.

“Help is coming – hold your positions!”

Suddenly the channel crackles back to life, “Commander, this is Williams. That Dropship just arrived and it’s bleeding Geth all over the bomb-site!”

My stomach lurches – that is not good.

“I’m coming back, Williams,” Shepard says steadily.

My heart plummets down into my shoes. I know just as well as Williams does that Shepard can’t be in two places at once. If she returns to the bomb-site, then it is a death sentence for me and all that is left of my team. I take a deep breath, silently hoping that Shepard won’t ask me to choose for her.

_You know what to do, Shepard. You always do._

“Shepard,” I break the silence, “We can hold on here. Go and help the Chief.”

“Negative, LT, it’s too hot! There are too many of them!”

There is a long pause. I am sweating, biting my lip, gripping the muzzle of my gun...

_Please Shepard. Don’t make the wrong choice here._

My heart is in my throat. I know that if Shepard comes to me, then Ashley will be alone, fighting off the Geth. I know that she’ll always choose to detonate the bomb rather than risk letting the Geth disarm it. But if Shepard hurries, maybe she can help Ashley escape. They would both be safe. I close my eyes – my heart is praying she’ll come to me, but my gut twists at the thought of losing Ash.

_Shepard, you know I care. But please, don’t make Ash suffer because of it – because of us._

“Ash, I’m coming back to you.” Shepard’s voice is strained. I can hear that she is deeply unhappy, but she is trying her best to cover it.

“Ma’am – I’m sorry. I’m activating the bomb.”

 A chill rushes through me. I throw a Geth rocket drone over the edge of the platform, my biotics flaring in response to the turmoil.

“What the hell are you doing, Williams?” Shepard yells.

“It’s the only way – you know it’s for the best.” Ash’s voice is edged with regret. “Now go get the Lieutenant, and get out of here!”

 “Alenko, I’m coming to you. Radio the Normandy and tell Joker to be ready to pick us up.”

Never in my life have I felt so guilty. I choke, “Aye, Ma’am.”

My hands are shaking. Pain fills my head. _No... Not Ash!_ This isn’t right.

 “It’s okay, LT,” Ash says quietly, almost as though she can hear my thoughts. “You know it’s for the best.”

There is a long moment of silence. Finally, I hear Shepard’s voice again, “I’m so sorry, Ash.”

“You know it’s the right choice, Ma’am.”

Suddenly, behind me there is a blast – one of the fuel tanks on the platform has just exploded. Three Salarians are down. One is still alive, blood streaming from a nasty wound to his shoulder as he desperately tries to crawl to safety.

We’re running out of time. I can feel the beginnings of a migraine as I sit here, weigh up my choices. I can make it to the wounded soldier by sticking to light cover, but it’s risky. Those wretched rocket drones are circling about, searching for any weakness in our formation. If I break cover, they’ll be aiming at me. The truth is that I don’t have a choice.

I wait for a break in the fire, and then I jump to my feet. I sprint across the concrete, ducking as rockets skim past my head...

_Shepard, where are you?_

I reach the fallen Salarian and wrap an arm around his stomach, hauling him to his feet. Jaeto sends a blast of covering fire down the platform as I turn to bring his comrade back to relative safety. Another one of my men emerges from behind a crate, taking the soldier from me and administering medi-gel to his wounds.

I’m about to return to my hiding spot when a flash of metal blinds me. Something heavy has just touched down right in front of me. Stunned by a wave of hot wind, I’m thrown backward, landing on the concrete heavily. My barrier sparks and disappears.

_Oh this is not good!_

I look up, expecting to see another Geth Prime. But this is no Geth. It’s Saren himself, towering above me in all his fearsome glory. His ice cold eyes drill into mine. My blood turns to ice as I desperately scramble backward, trying to evade him. I know that my biotics are no match for his.

A gloved fist wraps around my neck, hauling me painfully off the ground. I shut my eyes, trying to block out images of Commander Vyrnnus... The torture of Jump Zero... But this isn’t the time for flash-backs.

_Wake up, Alenko!_

Saren is so close to my face that I can smell his rank breath. He is studying me, calculating which way would be the most effective and painful way for me to die. Then, I see it – a flicker of the mandible, a glow in his eye. He’s recognised me from the Council meeting. Now his anger flares. The turian shakes me roughly. I struggle to break free of his grasp, but even as I do, I hear shooting from the far end of the platform.

Saren turns toward the source of the interruption, and as he does, my vision settles upon a familiar face.

“Shepard!” I yell hoarsely.

This earns me a harsh slap. Saren drops me, and I roll along the concrete until I’m lying next to a broken crate. My head is ringing. Lights swim across my eyes, blending and swirling in a mixture of colour.

“Shepard...”

A hand wraps around my shoulder, dragging me behind the crate.

“Hell, Alenko. What were you doing out there, trying to get yourself killed?”

I immediately recognise Garrus’ voice – profound and gravelly. He is crouched down next to me, and as I strain to focus, I swear I’ve never been so happy to see a Turian in all my life.

“Thanks,” I manage, swiping at the corner of my mouth. Blood comes away on my glove. “It’s nice to see you too.” I strain to lift my head, shuffling back until I’m upright against the crate. “Where’s Shepard?”

Then we hear it: bullets followed by an angered shout. Shepard is firing at Saren, but his barrier is too strong. He throws a strong biotic field in her direction as she rolls behind a barricade. I breathe a small sigh of relief, but she’s not out of danger yet. Shepard’s voice is raised – she’s yelling at Saren, and he’s calmly watching her from his hovering pedestal. I can’t hear what she’s saying. The wind is getting intense, and it’s blowing away the words in a blur of noise.

Suddenly, Shepard launches out of cover, unleashing the magazine of her rifle as she comes.

_No – don’t come this way!_

Saren lashes out at her, tossing the gun from her hands with ease. He picks Shepard up in a field of blue, hurtling her like a rag doll toward the edge of the platform. She hits the ground heavily. She lies still for a moment, and then lifts her head, her eyes searching me out. Even if she had wanted to call for help, she doesn’t get the chance. Saren storms toward her. As his fist wraps around her neck, a cry bubbles up in my chest, threatening to tear loose at any second.

Garrus clamps his hand over my mouth – “Are you trying to get us _both_ killed now?”

I can’t tear my eyes away from Shepard. She’s suspended in the air, her legs kicking and her gloves tearing fiercely at Saren’s tough fingers. Her eyes are closed – she’s struggling to breathe.

_I need to do something!_

I sit up and let off a round at a nearby fuel tank. It explodes in a ball of hot flame, eliciting a startled squeal of babble from the Geth.

The diversion works. Saren is distracted momentarily, turning to see what has just happened. Shepard’s eyes flicker open.

 _Now!_ I breathe.

Her fist balls up and slams into Saren’s face.

The Turian lets out a shocked screech. He drops her to the ground. Shepard lands on her feet, kicking Saren swiftly away from her. Saren limps to his hovering platform. His face twisted in fury, his eyes never leaving Shepard’s as she stares him down. I watch in dismay as he soars away, leaving us standing in the ruins.

I can hear engines humming, and I look up to see the Normandy swooping down on us like a vast bird. I can’t hold back the whoop of excitement – we did it! The last of the Geth make a hurried retreat, and after a moment of stunned silence, the Salarians emerge from their hiding places.

Shepard limps over to me, helping me to stand. “Let’s get out of here,” She rasps, her brown eyes overshadowed with rage.

We stumble into the cargo bay and Joker fires up the thrusters. As the Normandy soars away toward the stars, the crew feels a tremor. My mind instantly goes back to the surface of Virmire, and to Ash, lying wounded against that nuke. I can see her fighting to the end, never giving up... She’ll never know how grateful I am to her. She’ll never know how much I wish she could be here to share in this victory. I take a shaky breath – who knows? Maybe she is watching from up there, smiling that we’re safe.

“See you on the other side, Ash,” I whisper into the air, turning away so nobody will see my tears. “And thank you.”


	4. Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Virmire tragedy, Shepard experiences opposition from the council, and Kaidan decides to help her let loose a little...

I’m fumbling in my pocket, my fingers searching for my credit chit. The vending machine is blinking its lights placidly, the holographic smile tempting me to punch it in frustration.

“Please insert your credit chit,” it drones, smiling ridiculously. “You could win a free double movie pass...”

“Yeah, right,” I grumble heatedly, opening my jacket and searching the inner pockets.

Everything is irritating me today. The manager of the café is doing her best to make everybody feel comfortable, and she’s been considerably polite to me considering my foul mood. I had woken with a migraine, and it had only been worsened by the hour-long skycar jam on those infamous London highways... The smell of smoke lingering on my clothes... The itchiness of my stubble... That reminds me, I haven’t shaved for a few days. Oh, and that bad-tempered Volus running the news kiosk. You’d think that buying a news-pod was a crime with the way he’d practically hurled it at me. It must be my alliance slacks. Maybe I should have worn my casual gear today instead, but for some reason, wearing my blues is almost therapeutic. Especially after the hell of the past few weeks.

In the midst of all these thoughts, I locate my credit chit. “Will you just shut—There!” I insert the chit and shake my head as I make a selection.

 “Chocolate and caramel nougat – really?”

The voice to my right makes me spin about.

“Shame on you, Major.” Shepard’s leaning against the vending machine, her golden-brown eyes sparkling knowingly. “And you’re just going to eat that all by yourself?”

I shrug, my scowl slowly being replaced by a mischievous smile. “I’ll enjoy it for the both of us, I promise.” Kira’s brow arches as I lean into her face, taking a bite of the bar with a teasing grin.

“Kaidan! You know it’s my favourite—”

“Yes...” I cut her off with a cheeky nod, “Yes I do.”

“Kaidan?”

I jump as my brain slams me back down to earth.

Emily Wong is standing behind me, her dark hair bouncing comically as she looks around in confusion. “Who are you talking to?”

I look back at Kira, but the apparition has gone. I swallow my nougat, choking on the mouthful as I realise how stupid I must have appeared to the rest of the world. “Uh... Sorry, I... I was just...”

Emily’s eyes soften, and she waves it off. “Forget I asked.” She leans over the cafe counter, “One large latte and an extra strong espresso, please.”

We decide to sit at one of the tables overlooking the Thames. It is a smoggy day, but the sun is out and it’s warm. I pour a glass of water as we’re waiting for our coffee, eyeing off the nougat suspiciously. I spend a few moments sipping and cooling my throat. I think I’ll wait a while to finish the sugary treat off. Somehow eating doesn’t seem too appealing anymore.

“Oh – before I forget, I did make a few small tweaks to the manuscript after I went home last night. I thought you’d like to read over them before we move on.” Emily hands me the manuscript.

I accept the datapad, scrolling down the pages studiously. “No, it’s great. I mean, really great.”

She studies my face, “But?”

“How did you know I was going to say ‘but’?”

“I’m a reporter, Kaidan. I’ve done enough interviews to know when a client is about to make an objection.”

“I wasn’t going to _object_. I was just thinking how weird it is to see all of my experiences down on paper like this. I honestly never thought it would be so... real. All those memories, the pain and the good times... It’s like re-living it all over again. It hurts, but it’s nice to know they’re not going to be forgotten.”

“If it feels real, then it’s accurate,” Emily encourages me, retrieving the pad. “Where do you want to go today?”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” I sigh, rubbing my rough jaw. “It all gets so confusing after Virmire. Ilos, the Conduit, Saren...”

Emily shakes her head, “Stop thinking about the mission – we both know that’s not what this is about. When we left things yesterday, you said you’d begun to question the rules. Tell me about what happened next. Did you act on that feeling, that sense of questioning?”

I gawk at her, my brows furrowed slightly. “You really want to go there?”

She leans on her arms, “You don’t?”

“No, it’s not that... It’s... It’s just that, well, what happened was very personal... Uh, between me and Kira. I mean...”

“Kaidan, stop over-thinking it.” Emily holds up her hands. “It’s really quite simple. Every time you get stuck, I just want you to ask yourself, ‘What would Shepard have wanted me to write?’ Okay?”

I nod. “She’d have wanted me to write about us. She’d want me to remember how much she cared.”

“Then go there. And just tell me what you see.”

“Okay – but I’m not telling you everything, though,” I argue, raising my finger to stop Emily before she can protest, “No sensitive, intimate details, okay? This project is for Shepard, and I’m pretty sure she’d rather not share _all_ our private moments with the whole world.”

“Fine,” Emily agrees reluctantly. “You set the pace.”

“Good.” I shift my focus to the gently lapping waters of the Thames. “After Ash died, things got heated with the Council. They weren’t exactly prepared to let us continue the mission, especially with our intel indicating that we would have to travel into the Terminus Systems to reach Ilos. Shepard wasn’t going to be satisfied with sitting back and doing nothing, especially knowing that Saren was searching for the Conduit. She fought hard to convince the Councillors that this was the wrong move. But in the end the Council suspended Shepard, impounded the Normandy, and destroyed all our efforts. Why? Because they doubted her, even after everything she’d done...”

 

* * *

 

**\---2183---**

 

“Screw the Council!”

I look up from my mission report as an Alliance-issue boot goes hurtling past my ear. I jump back, hands raised in defence as another boot slams into the wall behind me. _What the—_

“No, you know what, screw the _whole freaking Citadel_! I swear if I ever get my hands on an M-20 Cain, I’m going to blow the Citadel tower off the map!”

My eyes widen as a torrent of wadded up paper comes raining down on me from behind. I duck down behind my station, feeling a bizarre mix of amusement and dismay.

“They suspended me. _Suspended me!_ I was doing my job, dammit!”

A scrunched up uniform jacket whirls overhead and flops down on the floor. But even after all of this, the outburst continues unabated.

I peer up over the top of my desk, biting my lip anxiously. Kira is pacing the crew deck. She’s in her casual blues, bare-footed and wild-eyed. One hand is caught amongst her gloriously messed hair; the other is on her hip. With a flourish, her fist comes sweeping down and slams upon the door of her footlocker, sending a deafening _bang_ through the room. Her voice is burning with rage as she adopts a mocking tone.

“’Go to Noveria, Shepard. Deal with Benezia, Shepard. Go to Feros, Shepard. Deal with the Geth, Shepard. Go to Virmire, Shepard. Stop Saren, Shepard. Leave your squad mate to _die_ , Shepard. Off you go, be a good little Spectre.’”

Well, actually, when I say that Shepard is ‘in her blues’, the truth is that she’s halfway _out_ of her casual blues. Her jacket is on the floor next to me while she’s storming back and forth in her tank top. She’s so beautiful, even when she’s angry. Her arms are white as lilies, but beneath that perfectly smooth, white skin is a set of formidable muscles just ready to let loose. Right now I’m terrified that if I say the wrong thing, they’ll let loose on me.

 “’You’re a Spectre, so you’re free to use whatever means necessary, Shepard. Wait, what do you mean you _let the Rachni queen go,_ Shepard? Your instinct is always right, but we don’t want to believe you because right now it’s _inconvenient,_ Shepard! In the end, it doesn’t matter, because nothing you do is good enough and we’ve just decided to _let Saren walk in and take the Citadel,_ Shepard.’”

Kira’s voice trails off, and she covers her face with her hands.

I stand up cautiously. I reach down to retrieve her discarded jacket and then approach her, extending one hand to gently offer it back. “Shepard?”

She jumps, her horrified eyes locking on my face. “You... You startled me, Kaidan.”

“Sorry,” I offer, my brows furrowing in concern, “Are you alright?

Kira shakes her head, her hair falling across her eyes. Her hand snaps up and swipes it away angrily. “How much of that did you hear?”

“All of it.”

She purses her lips and turns away for a moment, “Dammit.”

I rush to reassure her, “Look, I know I’m out of line. You’re my commanding officer. But you’re also my friend, and I don’t want to see you hurting.”

She exhales, her eyes drifting shut. “I know, Kaidan. I’m sorry, I just... I...”

There is a long, uncomfortable moment of silence. “I’m sure there’s a way to appeal,” I offer, desperately wishing I could make her feel better. “We’re under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council.”

“I tried, Kaidan. No luck – the official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that.”

Her shoulders are shaking slightly. I consider reaching out to touch her arm, but she’s just out of my reach. My gut tells me that I would be out of line anyhow. Shepard leans back against the lockers, sinking down until she’s sitting on the ground, her eyes staring vacantly at the floor.

“Closed,” I reiterate, my heart sinking. “And we’re supposed to accept that? So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? Because if we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat.”

Kira leans her hands on her knees, her brows furrowing together. “I just can’t believe I walked into this one, Kaidan. And God knows that I did – so don’t try to tell me otherwise. My instinct told me that returning to the Citadel was a trap, but I went ahead with it anyway. I walked into that Council meeting knowing that they wouldn’t authorise a mission to Ilos, but I did it anyway, and got humiliated in the process. And now we’re stuck here. We are the only ones who know the truth, but we can’t do a single thing to stop Saren.”

Now she looks up at me. I’m amazed to see a tear lingering in the corner of her eye. She’s always been so resolute, so composed even under pressure. But now the cracks are forming in that beautiful mask of calm. For just a moment, I catch a glimpse of the vulnerable Shepard – the girl who suffered on Mindoir, the soldier who survived on Akuze when everyone else around her died. I am genuinely astonished, but deep down I can understand how Shepard is feeling.

“I need you to stay strong.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, her eyes finishing the sentence: _Be strong for me when I’m not._ “We’re out of the game for now. Kaidan, I need you to be there while I figure things out.”

I swallow the rising lump in my throat. “You know you can count on me, or any of the crew, Commander.”

 Kira turns to gaze at me, her brown eyes bleeding emotion. “I’m asking _you_ , not the crew. Come on, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder.”

Mustering my courage and shutting out that nagging voice of logic, I make the daring move. I step forward, closing down the gap between us. Part of me is terrified that she’ll push me away; all the same, I decide to take a chance. I reach out and tenderly touch her arm. “I’m here for you. But we’re in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things…” _Damn it, Alenko, it’s already muddy!_ I snort with silent loathing as I my thoughts drift to the Council, “Like it’s all that clear to begin with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?”

“There you go again,” Kira interrupts me, a faint smile tugging at her mouth, “You can’t just pull out a good old-fashioned ‘it’ll be all right’, can you?”

“It’s that easy, huh?” I shake my head slightly, “Okay then. Everything will be fine, Shepard. You’ll figure it out.”

Shepard smiles tenderly, “That’s better. That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“I could get used to it,” I concede, looking down into her earnest face. “I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are, huh?” I reach down to help her up.

Kira takes my hand and I swing her to her feet – perhaps a little too fast. She stumbles and I catch her. A faint smile emerges as she looks down at my arm, her face an unreadable mixture of yearning and perplexity. I can’t help but stare, caught in the intensity of those beautiful, sad eyes. She’s staring right back – it’s doing funny things to me. Her eyes wander down my face, and I get a feeling that I haven’t had in years. My gaze locks on her lips, wondering what it would be like to touch them... My head spins as I realise that she’s thinking the same thing.

I feel her hand tighten around mine. She pulls me closer. I lean down, my breath caught in my throat.

_This is it..._

Her breath is warm on my cheek as her lips brush ever so slightly against mine...

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message for you from Captain Anderson.”

Shepard pulls back, turning her head away with a frustrated sigh. She clenches her jaw in irritation as she drops my hand. “Were you spying on us, Joker?” Kira demands indignantly.

There is a nervous tremor in the pilot’s voice, “No Ma’am. Just knew you were on board. The Captain said to meet him at Flux – figured you might want to know.”

I sigh and look at the floor as Joker cuts the channel, my face burning with embarrassment. “I… I guess you need to go, then.”

Shepard steps back, then says gently, “Do you think we could just pretend none of this ever happened?”

My heart plummets into my shoes, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you go back to doing whatever you were doing, and I’ll come back in a few minutes...” I blink rapidly, feeling suddenly confused. She repeats the request, “Kaidan, will you help me to start again?”

I gape, “Uh, sure.”

_What... What have I just agreed to?_

Kira nods, scooping up her jacket and scooting around the corner into her quarters. As I return to my station, I hear her door slide shut. My hands are shaking. I pick up that report and pretend to read. My mind, however, is entirely elsewhere. Hell, somebody could wave a hot steak under my nose right now and it wouldn’t make an ounce of difference. And that’s saying something.

What did she mean, start again? Did she think that almost-kiss was a mistake? Or did she want to try again, without the interruption...? Possibilities race through my mind, jumbling in a mess of words and doubt.

My heart skips a beat as I hear the door open again. It takes all my energy to keep my eyes down. _Read the report, Alenko... Read the report..._

“Hey, Kaidan.”

I swallow and lift my head. The air is sucked from my lungs when I see what Shepard standing in front of me once again.

Her hair is combed and her lipstick has been retouched. Her slacks have been replaced with fresh ones, and even though it’s just a uniform, she looks striking in it. My eyes immediately wander to the gentle curve of her waist, then snap straight back up to her face.

“Hey,” I manage, steadying myself against the desk, my fingers tingling at the thought of holding her. _Damn, Shepard, you’re hot._

“I was wondering, since we’re on the Citadel and no longer on duty... Uh... And we have to go to Flux anyway...” She pauses, her cheeks flushing slightly, “I was hoping that... Well, maybe you would like to spend some time together? You know, forget about everything and just cut loose for a little while.”

My mouth opens, but for a long moment, nothing comes out.

Kira hesitates, but then pushes on. “I mean, we’ll have time before Anderson arrives. Maybe we could play a few rounds of Quasar, grab some lunch... I hear the dancing is the best on the Citadel.”

“Well, I’ve never been the kind to enjoy dance clubs,” I can’t resist a small chuckle, “But if you’re going to dance...?”

She looks affronted. “Are you saying I can’t?”

 _Not a great start to the date, Alenko._ I search for the right words. “That’s not exactly what I meant. I’m just saying that I’m looking forward to observing your talent for myself. I mean, clearly you haven’t seen my skills on the dance floor,” I wink.

“Are you betting on that?” Her brows arch as I nod, “Stakes?”

“If I win, then I teach you to dance.”

“Uh-huh?”

I cross my arms, “And if you win?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Shepard’s eyes flicker, “But I know one thing: You’re going down, Alenko.”

 

* * *

 

 

The music is blaring, filling the air with a heady rhythm. Two Asari are standing in the doorway, their violet eyes evaluating me eagerly. I ignore their enthusiasm. How can I look at other women when I have the most stunning one of them all right beside me?

“What are you thinking about?” Kira asks, a smile playing at her mouth.

“What do _you_ think?” I retort furtively, studying those lips intently.

Shepard sighs, “Hell, Alenko, I brought you along for fun, not to play Twenty Questions.”

“If you were looking for fun, you should have brought Wrex,” I laugh, “Sounds like a drink is in order.”

“At three in the afternoon? I _do_ want to be able to remember today when it’s over.”

“Oh you will,” I promise. “Because I’ll be around tomorrow to remind you of all the embarrassing things you did.”

Kira shakes her head, trying not to laugh. “Come on, Kaidan,” She heads toward the dance floor, “It’s time to find out which one of us is truly superior.”

“I hope you’re a gracious loser,” I tease.

“I wouldn’t know,” Is the self-assured rejoinder. Shepard shoots a glamorous grin at me from over her shoulder, and then pushes through the crowd toward the centre of the floor.

As I move to follow, a man bumps heavily into my arm. “Hey!” He growls at me, “Watch where you’re going. Nearly knocked my drink clean out of my hand.”

“Sorry,” I offer, but the stranger is already walking away, sulking into his half-empty glass.

By the time I catch up, Kira’s already dancing. Her eyes are locked on me as she shuffles lightly on the spot, her arms pumping to the tempo of her feet. I stop dead in my tracks, my mouth falling open in shock.

This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life.

Shepard must be able to see the amusement on my face, because now she’s stepping it up.

“What’s the saying – don’t show all your cards at once?” She calls out to me with a laugh.

I push past another Asari so I’m standing directly in front of her. “It might be useful in your case.”

She smirks, and changes her moves. “Well? Are you going to tip your hand or not?”

“I’m starting to think I might have an unfair advantage.”

“And what might that be?”

“Natural finesse,” I counter, spinning about on the ball of my foot, my biotics flaring blue.

“You call that _natural_?” Shepard ridicules, “There is nothing natural about your abilities, Alenko.”

“Sure there is – savage moves, instinctive timing, and a positively carnal sense of rhythm... I am a living, breathing, natural wonder.” I shift on my feet, easing into the moves with a wicked grin. “Try to keep up, Shepard.”

I jump with surprise as a hand wraps around my neck, “If you’re as good as you say you are, then that shouldn’t be too hard.” My eyes widen as Shepard begins to match my steps, “You _do_ know how to tango, right?”

I let my hand drift to her waist, “Yeah. I can do that.”

I spin her around, watching with a growing sense of delight as her beautiful hair sprays out about her shoulders. The pink lights dance on her sleek tresses, making them blaze a fierce crimson. The dance floor clears around us, the other patrons stepping back to watch in fascination. Our feet are moving in unison – something that startles me somewhat considering her awkward display earlier. Now she seems so graceful, flowing alongside me as though she was always supposed to be there.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks me again.

“I’m just wondering whether Alliance Officers are supposed to Tango.”

“What do _you_ think, Kaidan?” Her smile is playful. No, _hopeful_.

I am staring into her eyes, feeling strangely entranced. “I think...” I twirl her around and lower her in my arms, her weight easily compensated by mine, “...that I just lost that bet.”

Shepard throws her head back and laughs. Her smile is broader than I’ve ever seen. “Come on, Kaidan. You’ve just earned yourself a rest.”

As we step down from the dance floor, I’m astounded by the sudden burst of applause. The other patrons mill around us, smiling and clapping. Kira’s face goes bright red, and she steers me away from the crowd toward an isolated table.

“Well, Alenko,” She resumes our conversation as she slides into her chair, “I’m guessing you owe me a drink.” She slips her jacket off and leans back.

I force myself to look away from those shoulders, “I’m guessing you’re right.” I indicate to the waiter, but as I do, that man makes a sudden reappearance. He leans into my face, his breath stinking of alcohol.

“I know you,” He slurs, waving the empty glass in front of my eyes, “You’re Kaidan Alenko, right?”

I push my chair back, trying to avoid his gaze. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“You were at Jump Zero, weren’t you? I remember you,” the man staggers a little, bumping into the table. “You’re the boy who killed that Turian. What was his name – Vyrnnus?” The drunken patron laughs, and then splutters, “I want to thank you on behalf of all humans, Kaidan Alenko, for taking a stand against the alien scum.”

I am angry now. “Step away, Sir.”

“Can I shake your hand...?” The man stumbles forward.

I jump out of the way as he lands heavily on my chair. “Sir, you should go home now.”

The patron stands, his legs wobbling. “Did... Did you just _hit_ me?”

_Uh-oh!_

Suddenly Shepard is between me and him. She catches his fist mid-air, equalling his force almost effortlessly. The drunken patron gawks down at her in surprise as she warns, “Do you know who I am?”

The man nods, his eyes widening as he recognises her face. “You’re that Shepard Spectre person...”

“That’s right.” Kira lowers his fist and folds her arms, “You really don’t want to do this. Not tonight. Go home.”

The inebriated stranger glances back and forth between us, weighing his options. “I’ll go,” He opts, stepping away unsteadily, “But next time, Alenko, you may not be so lucky.”

As he staggers out the door, Kira turns to me. “Well. That was fun.”

“I’m so sorry, Shepard. That shouldn’t have happened.”

“Don’t be sorry – it’s not your fault,” She says softly, taking a seat once more. “I’m just glad I could be here to stop him before things got out of hand.”

I smile at her across the table, “I’m glad you’re here too, Shepard. And not just because you saved my jaw.” I reach toward her, leaving my palm open and facing upward on the table. It is my way of giving her an open invitation, an offer which she can either accept or refuse with just a touch. _Please, Shepard. Please tell me that you don’t regret what happened earlier._ “Tonight has been a lot of fun.”

She blushes, then tentatively reaches out and takes my hand. My stomach feels pleasantly warm as her fingers interweave with mine. Just like the first time she let me touch her hand, her delicate touch is making my head spin. For a woman who can out-shoot a Krogan with a shotgun, her hands feel so soft that it’s tantalizing.

“It _has_ been fun, Kaidan,” Shepard whispers, “Thank you.”

“Am I interrupting anything?”

I recognise Anderson’s voice immediately, and I stand with an abrupt salute. “Good to see you, Sir.”

“At ease, Lieutenant,” He says with a friendly smile, inviting himself to sit at our table. “I know this was short notice, but I have something very important to discuss with both of you. I think I’ve found a way for you to get off the Citadel.”


	5. Fraternization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Normandy makes its brash escape from the Citadel, Kaidan finds that tossing the rulebook out the airlock has some unexpected consequences. Will he finally work up the nerve to confess all to Shepard?

 “Gosh – the tension!” Emily exclaims, staring out over the balcony with a pre-occupied look on her face. “Man, Kaidan, how did you cope with that?”

“I didn’t,” I laugh. “We came so close, and when Shepard pulled away it felt as though I’d taken another ten steps backwards.”

“At least you knew she cared about you.”

“Yeah, I did. But looking back, I’d known that for a while. She hinted about it after Feros, and practically confessed it in front of the crew after Virmire. Joker told me later that he had been waiting for us to figure it out. Apparently everybody on the Normandy had been placing bets to see how long it would take for us to finally give up the act! I guess it was just me who needed convincing.” I shake my head, “I was such an idiot.”

“Not really. Emotions do that, they cloud your judgement.”

“Yeah. That’s true. I’m lucky that Shepard was so patient with me.”

“So... She _could_ dance?” Emily studies me over the rim of her mug.

“Apparently,” I shrug, leaning back and stretching my hands out behind my head.

“Then what on earth was that thing I saw in the vids?” Emily seems legitimately confused. “Hands in the air, no coordination... It was _dreadful_!”

“I know,” I chuckle at the thought, “I mean, Kira always did the shuffle thing in front of the crew. She never really cut loose quite like she did when we were alone. I liked that. It was her quirk, one of those odd traits that just made me love her more.”

“So, the shuffle was original?”

“Oh yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I caught her practicing it in the observation lounge.”

Emily Wong starts to genuinely laugh, her sides shaking as she put her cup down, “Now that’s a funny image in my mind. Gosh, I would never have expected that from Shepard – not in a million years.”

“She would hum too. Kira had a quiet voice, but it was pretty – she just didn’t think I ever heard it.”

Emily shakes her head, stirring her coffee. “Goodness.”

“Now you see it, don’t you?”

“See what?”

“Why I’m doing this.” I lean forward and shrug off my jacket, draping it over the back of my chair. “Nobody else knows this stuff. If you asked an Alliance Marine who Shepard was, they’d say ‘the first Human Spectre’, ‘the Hero of the Citadel’, ‘Saviour of the Galaxy’. But those are just titles. There are titles and then there are words. When you know somebody that personally and love them that much, titles just aren’t enough. It’s only in words that you can find solace. Words help you remember things _after_ the memories fade. And there are an abundance of them, just waiting to be put into use. When it comes to Shepard, words take on a whole new level of meaning, you know? She was more than a ‘soldier’, more than a ‘woman’, more than ‘beautiful’ and more than a ‘hero’. She was mine. _Mine._ And somehow, when everything else fails, words help me to bring her back. Just the way she was.”

“Damn, Alenko.”

I look up, startled. “What is it?”

“ _You_ should be typing this, not me!” Emily folds her arms, a bemused look on her face. “So what happened after that dance at Flux? Please don’t tell me it ended there.”

“Uh... Well, if you’re asking what I think you’re asking, then the answer is a complicated one. I can’t answer it as simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’, because you have to understand that in the few hours after that dance, a lot of things changed – dramatically. I had the feeling Shepard wanted to be more than just a friend to me, but I was still far too intimidated by that damn rulebook to ask her outright.”

Emily raised her eyebrows, “What was it that changed your mind?”

“Anderson’s plan to get the Normandy out of lock-down. It was risky, but we knew we had to take that chance. Shepard arranged things with him then and there. Hell, I was nervous. We had flouted the rules before, but this was taking things to a whole new level. We were about to steal an Alliance cruiser right out from under their noses...”

 

* * *

 

**\---2183---**

_If we get caught, it will be an on-the-spot court martial for all of us._

I’m leaning against the back of a chair in the Normandy’s cockpit, wringing my hands and desperately wishing I had something to do.

Shepard is standing next to me, watching patiently over Joker’s shoulder. The light on the command screen is still an ugly shade of red.

“There’s still time to change your mind,” Joker quips, his green eyes flickering with hesitation.

Shepard puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, “Just wait. Anderson will sort this out any second now.”

I close my eyes and lean my head on my hands.

_If we’re wrong about Ilos, or Saren gets there first, then we’re so screwed._

“Alenko,” Shepard addresses me as though she can read my thoughts, “Hang in there.” A gentle hand touches my shoulder sympathetically, “We can do this.”

“I know, Ma’am,” I reply steadily, taking a deep breath. “It’s just all a bit... Well. Can’t say I’ve ever been an accomplice to stealing a warship before.”

“Any second thoughts?”

I can feel that tell-tale twitch developing on my cheek – it does that sometimes when I’m stressed. “I’m with you, Shepard. Don’t worry about me.”

Joker is drumming his fingers on the console. “Come on, Anderson...” He glances up at Shepard anxiously.

Shepard doesn’t say a word, her emotions once more hidden away behind that resolute mask.

A second passes... A minute... Two...

Then the light flickers to green.

Joker lets out a whoop, “Here we go, Commander!” His hands dance across the controls, releasing the docking clamps and firing up the thrusters. “And we’re away!”

I can feel the ship powering beneath my feet, the gentle vibration of the Normandy’s core buzzing through the metal like a pulse. The Citadel passes away and is replaced by the gentle darkness of the stars, whirling overhead as the Normandy comes about to her new course.

I’m feeling a little dizzy so I excuse myself from the bridge, mumbling something about checking on the weapons. As I leave, I sense Shepard’s eyes watching me. And I can sense her aching disappointment.

 

_Well, there goes the rulebook – out the airlock._

I could probably walk up to one of the port observation windows and watch it float away into those starry depths. And for the first time in my life, I am happy to finally see it go.

I had been contemplating tossing it out the Normandy’s hatch for a few weeks now, but it seems I didn’t have enough of a spine to actually walk up there and do it. Now, as we’re flying into the face of oblivion, I’ve never felt so disoriented. The rules were my backbone, my stability. And I just made the choice to throw them away. It isn’t sitting well in my stomach, but my lungs feel surprisingly free, as though a hand has just been lifted from my throat.

I can just hear what they’re going to say at my hearing when we get back: _Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko always operated by the book. He has always been a man of integrity and character._

“Until now,” I mutter, pulling apart my rifle and reaching for a polishing cloth.

There isn’t much to lean upon when you’re a soldier. Right at this moment, I can’t even find strength in my uniform. It doesn’t mean much now, especially since I’ll be facing a court martial. But at least on the Normandy I have more than I did at Jump Zero: I have friends. _True_ friends.

I have Shepard.

At least, I hope I have Shepard. She came down here about half an hour ago – went straight to her cabin without even so much as a glance in my direction.

I know she was disappointed when I left her there on the bridge, but the simple truth is that I needed to be alone. I needed to figure this out. Not that the silence has actually helped me at all. After the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been on these past few hours, I feel dizzy. One moment I’m floating high on emotion, the next I’m plunged into the depths of anxiety. I just want a straight answer. I want to know that even if everything else goes to hell, I’ll have someone standing with me. More than anything I want stability.

I want Shepard. No – I need her. And I’m hoping, _praying_ that she needs me too.

I’m polishing my assault rifle vigorously now. I hear the elevator doors open a short distance away, and I don’t want to look. My heart is heavy, hammering away in my chest intolerably as my thoughts turn over and over...

“Alenko, we need to talk.”

I jump as I hear Garrus’ raspy voice directed at me. I look up to see his bright blue irises watching me intently.

“Hey, can it wait...?” I flinch as his fist wraps itself in the collar of my shirt. He leans in until his face is so close I can smell his Turian breath. “ _Garrus_!” I exclaim in shock, my hand flaring blue as I swipe at his arm.

“No. It can’t wait,” He insists, his expression sad. “Do you realise what she’s risking for you?”

I gape at him, “What... what are you talking about?”

“I can’t believe you’re still questioning this.” Garrus steps back, shaking his head in aggravation. “Shepard broke the code she’s sworn to keep all her days. And I’m not just talking about stealing the freaking warship.”

“And how would you know?” I argue, stepping into the Turian’s personal space. “What would you know about playing by the rules?”

I immediately regret my words, but it’s too late now for me to take them back. “Garrus... I...”

“No, you are right about me.” Garrus’ mandibles flicker. “I don’t know much about rules. But hell, I know a lot about breaking them, specifically, when it means being there for someone you love.” He stares me down, his hard eyes softening in compassion. “I know her. And I know _you_. Don’t be a fool, Kaidan. Don’t throw it all away because you’re afraid of tomorrow – especially when there may not be one.”

Heat rises to my head as he sets me down and marches away. I stare down at my gun, my pretence utterly shattered.

 _He’s right. I don’t want tomorrow to come._ My stomach twists. I bite my lip, leaning against my desk. _I’m scared: Scared that Saren will succeed, scared that the Reapers will invade, and scared that Shepard will throw her life away just to stop them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop her._

I run a hand over my face. _Oh hell, he’s right. How could Garrus have seen what I couldn’t?_

I take a deep breath and push myself away from my desk. My legs cover the distance between my station and the door to Shepard’s cabin in just a few strides, but as I reach for the entry button, my fingers start to shake.

 _Move, Kaidan. There may not be another chance_.

I break out in a cold sweat. Butterflies take flight in my stomach.

_For goodness sake, move!_

I ball up my fist and punch the panel.

Shepard is sitting at her desk, the cabin lit by the faint glow of her computer terminal. I feel my heart accelerate as I observe her gentle silhouette. Her hands are on her forehead, facing away from me; elbows propped against the desk. She doesn’t move as I step into the room.

The butterflies in my gut have now invited fireflies to join the party. It feels like they’re setting off rockets in my lungs. I struggle to take an even breath. How do I even address her now? Shepard? No. It might be too much too soon. Besides, after the mixed signals I sent earlier...

I clear my throat, “Commander?”

“Not sure I deserve the rank,” comes the quiet rejoinder. Shepard’s hands drop and she turns to look at me. Her brows are slanting up in that desperately sad expression I’ve seen all too often these past few weeks. “You probably shouldn't call me that. I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform.”

_Then what do I call you? Tell me what you want, Shepard. I’m so confused._

As she stands from her desk, I can see that she’s weary and confused too. A few strands of her hair hang down across her forehead, like she’s been curling her fingers through it. She always does that when she’s stressed. Her face is pale, and her lipstick is all but gone. She’s just Shepard now – no pretenses, no masks. Kira moves toward me, stopping as we come nearly toe-to-toe in the centre of her cabin. My hands are sweating. She’s standing so close, and I have to force my brain to put words together.

“Yeah, hell of a thing,” I stammer, trying to smile. _Damn, Alenko! Give her some empathy. Shepard doesn’t need clichés._ “We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it.”

“How does it feel?” She is studying me. I know that glint in her eye too well – even in the dim light I can see that she’s trying to figure me out. It’s a complex sensation to describe. When Shepard analyses you, it’s like your skin isn’t there. Her gaze peels away the layers of your mortal shell and stares into your soul. Right now, I’m sure she is deciphering my every thought, scrutinizing my every intention. It is terrifying and alluring all at once.

 _She asked you a question! Think, Alenko, think!_ “We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?” I return with considerable effort, the corner of my mouth turning up into a smile. “What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship - if they wanted to get technical, they can throw in kidnapping.”

“You said it,” Kira frowns, folding her arms defensively. But this time, I get the feeling she’s trying to shield herself from her own doubts instead of from me. “I keep reminding myself that we're doing the right thing… Only, I don't believe me yet.” She glances away, frowning uncertainly.

“Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here,” I reassure her.

Shepard looks up, her eyes glowing as they settle on my face. What is it that I’m seeing now? Hope? Excitement? Certainly not confusion or fear.

I’m beginning to find that audacity Garrus said I so desperately needed. “It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos.” I let down my guard fractionally so she can see the trust in my eyes. “If things don't go well, I want you to know – Well…” _I want you to know that I’m in love with you._ I’m dying inside, wanting so desperately to say it, but the words get stuck in my throat. “I've enjoyed serving under you.”

She steps toward me again. “We're more than that. Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago, don't you think you it's time to act like it?”

The statement is candid and direct. It catches me off guard, and I search for a half-decent response. “Battlefield flirting is one thing. There are regs against fraternization…” My voice trails off as her hand reaches for my arm. I choke on my former objection. “Well, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at our court martial.” My mouth goes dry. I need to keep my wits about me somehow. “You know what? You're right, about everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I…” I take a deep breath and finally say the words I’ve been holding back. “We are important right now. This is what will never happen again. _Us_. Shepard, you make me feel… human.”

Shepard’s last thread of resistance breaks away. Instead of a face of tranquil strength, I see a reflection of myself: A woman frightened to face tomorrow. I take her hand in mine, surprised to find that it is cold. I wrap it in between mine, pressing it to my lips so I can breathe warmth back into her fingers.

“We may not be able to take refuge behind the rules or even behind our uniforms anymore,” I whisper, my voice changing as the emotion rises in my throat. “But I know that I can take refuge in you, Shepard. And I want you to know that if you want it, then you will always find an anchor in me, too.”

I’m not looking at Shepard, but I can feel that she is shaking a little. I look up to see eyes brimming with conflicted sentiment, cheeks flushed with anticipation.

“Kaidan,” Kira’s fingers wrap around mine. “Stay with me.” The words are whispered so softly that it is a moment before they register in my confused mind. “Bunk here tonight. With me.”

Suddenly the room feels very warm. “Is that an order, Commander?”

Her eyes darken. “No games. Kaidan, you make me feel like I can take on the universe.” I watch enraptured as her lips form my name, “And right now I kind of have to.”

“This can’t change anything, Shepard…” _She’s asking me to be with her – of course things are going to change! What am I doing? Stop being an idiot!_ I try to correct myself, “This is a good crew. The finest I’ve served with. I… I just don’t want to mess it up.”

Her mouth curls into a smile, the faint glow of the terminal casting an orange sheen on her hair. She wraps an arm around my neck, holding me for a moment. Even the thought of breathing has been wiped from my mind. Shepard’s head falls back a little. She is reaching up, pulling me into her. Her lips brush against mine, and I lose all other feeling. Her eyes flutter open momentarily, reading my thoughts in my eyes.

I let one hand drift down her waist as the other gets tangled in her magnificent hair. There is no turning back. The next kiss is deep, but cautious. She’s still vigilant, not wanting to overwhelm me or push me. I reassure her with a gentle kiss on her neck – she will never frighten me away. Her fiery passion makes me feel so weak and yet, so alive. Shepard’s hand is resting firmly on my chest, her palm pressed over my heart. Her lips are soft and I’m yearning for more, but I break free for a moment. I reach up to tenderly caress her face.

“Shepard... Kira.” For the first time I allow myself to utter her name. Her secret name, her true name. _Kira: Lady... Leader of the people... Shining like the sun._ It is a name so perfect that I feel wholly unworthy to even say it aloud.

She smiles in elation, and it is truly the most glorious thing I’ve ever seen. “Kaidan.” Her fingers trail up the back of my neck and come to rest in my hair. “ _Stay_.”

Even if it had been an order, I don’t need to be persuaded to obey it.

* * *

 

I wake to a pleasant sensation – warmth, softness. My head is lying on Kira’s pillow. _She smells heavenly_ , I think to myself as I slowly return to consciousness. In my mind, she’s still here, wrapped in my arms. I remember we fell asleep that way after... _Last night._ I smile to myself in delight and bewilderment as the memory comes rushing back to me.

 _We really did it... Hell._ I inhale sharply as I recall the electric touch of her hands, the smoothness of her skin against mine. I have never experienced such ecstasy before. With Shepard, everything is different. She loves to tease me and make me smile. I know that from now on she will have plenty of ammunition. After it was over, she had laid her hand on my chest, and snuggled beside me. Kira’s head had been tucked beneath my chin as she took deep, steady breaths. I had stroked her auburn hair, watching over her for the first hour or more until I finally joined her into the world of dreams.

I start to blink. The memory slowly relinquishes its hold on me. Light enters my vision, and I am beginning to realise that I’m being watched. I bring myself up on my elbows, meeting Kira’s gaze from where she’s sitting on her desk. Her hair is damp, combed into place neatly after a shower, and she’s in her uniform once more.

“Welcome back,” She says in that sultry voice. Her face is glowing, her eyebrow twitching as she sends me a knowing look.

“Hey,” I manage, smiling through a sleepy fog. We stare at each other for a long time, our eyes holding a silent conversation across the room. Finally I sigh, my heart feeling strangely content. “It's been a long time since I've met a woman who—”

“Bridge to Commander Shepard.” Joker’s voice cuts in, and I groan, biting my lip. “We’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

A paradoxical smile dances across Kira’s beautiful face. She looks so peaceful as the hour of our reckoning approaches. She acknowledges Joker, and then turns back to me, “I know what you wanted to say. You're a sweetheart, Kaidan.” She stands and moves to stand beside the bed, her hand coming to rest on my chin. Her thumb lovingly strokes my stubble.

I nuzzle into her wrist, pressing a kiss to her skin. “Kira…”

Shepard puts a finger to my mouth, indicating for me to be silent as she leans down. I sigh as her lips dance against mine, and I long so desperately to be with her. But I break the moment, knowing that we don’t have much time.

“Joker’s waiting for you on the bridge,” I remind her huskily. “I swear though, if anything happens to you…”

“I know,” She whispers, her eyes drifting closed as she rests her forehead against mine.

Finally, she steps toward the door, only pausing to look back once. Kira’s eyes confirm everything I’ve ever hoped: _I can’t live without you._

I shiver as I remember to breathe, “Take care, Shepard.”

The next moment, the door is sliding shut and she’s gone.

I drag myself upright, rubbing my face. I’m tired, and I’m suddenly empty now that Shepard has gone. But more than anything, I know she needs me at her side. I have had her back from the start and I’m not going to give up now. I need a shower and then I’m going to get my gear.

Saren better say his prayers, because we’re coming for him.


	6. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan recalls the moments immediately following the destruction of Sovereign, and finally manages to get Shepard away for a few weeks of shore leave...

I jump as Emily’s omnitool starts bleeping. The reporter glances down at her wrist, her eyes widening apologetically. “Oh... Kaidan, I’m sorry. I have to take this,” She sighs, pushing away from the table.

“Go on,” I acknowledge her with a long-suffering shrug, “I’ll wait.”

She nods and walks away a short distance, “Hey, Darren, babe... Sure I’ve got a few minutes. How goes the clean-up...?”

I sigh, folding my hands on the table in front of me.

Darren is Emily Wong’s fiancée: a marine, one of the men who miraculously survived the Reaper attack on London just a few months ago. He’s now working on the restoration effort, removing the last of the debris from the city centre. I’m happy for Emily that he survived. But it takes so much effort sometimes, being happy for others. For months now I’ve watched as the people around me have found family, lovers – people to help them recover from the trauma of the war. Garrus and Tali; Kenneth and Gabby; and though they’ll always deny it, I’m _sure_ there is something between Liara and Javik. It’s strange. All my life I’ve been a loner, and I’ve been okay with that. But now, after all of this? I feel empty, as though half my heart is missing. It’s never easy to give a convincing smile when you know that beneath that facade is an empty shell. You can spend all day walking around in the company of friends, but at the end of the day you return home to a cold, lifeless house. It is worse than any physical wound. This is one injury that no doctor can heal. And it aches.

London is slowly being exhumed from the murky debris with every passing day. It is still little more than a ruin after the war – the wraithlike remains of the city’s skyscrapers cast down like skeletons on the distant skyline. But in the very centre of the city, the towers are being resurrected, rising from their shadowy tombs to reclaim their place in the world of the living. It is quite a sight, one that brings me a confusing mix of joy and pain. Joy to know that my world is being restored – and pain to recall all the people who cannot be here to enjoy it...

_“Kaidan. You haven’t touched your slice.”_

I look up to see her standing there, an apparition of beauty, leaning against the railing of the balcony with an amused smile on her face. One half of her mouth has curved up, revealing those laughter lines I’ve come to love.

 _“After all that teasing too,”_ Shepard continues, shaking her head with mock derision. _“It seems a terrible waste.”_

It takes all my mental energy to look away from her shining eyes. “Oh Kira. Why do you keep coming back to me?”

 _“Because I promised you that I would – remember?”_ She tilts her head, her brow furrowing in concern. _“Kaidan – I know that face. You’re upset. Talk to me. Please.”_

“I can’t,” I choke, staring at my hands. They’re shaking, glowing blue... _Don’t lose control. Not now_. “Kira... We both know the truth. I know that you’re not really there. I wake up every morning with the hope that I’ll be able to feel you in my arms again. Sometimes, I imagine that you’re calling my name, touching my cheek and looking down at me like you did so often. I miss you so desperately that it hurts. You haunt my dreams. But it’s just that – a dream.”

I glance back in time to see her eyes fill with pain, her face contorting in agony as she turns away. _“If that’s what you believe, then... Then I guess it’s true.”_ Kira laughs faintly, bitterly, _“I should go.”_

“You just had to work that one in somewhere, didn’t you?”

Kira bites her lip and takes one last, long look into my eyes. _“Just... Don’t forget me, Major.”_

In that moment she’s looking back at me tearfully, and the next she’s swept away. Swept away, maybe forever, to a place where I can’t follow.

I close my eyes, struggling to hold onto the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair... “I’ll never forget you,” I whisper into the wind.

_Oh Kira. Why couldn’t I have been there?_

I rest my head on my hands, focusing on each breath with painful deliberation. Sometimes that’s the only way I can get through. Every day I see her somewhere: on the street, in a crowd, in the reflection of a window... Always her face. Why doesn’t it ever get any easier? I know it isn’t her. It can’t be. And yet my mind won’t let her go.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and my head snaps up – it’s Emily.

“Kaidan,” She manages, her eyes filled with tears. “How often does this happen?”

I feel exhausted. My implant is pounding, sending sharp stabs of pain through my head. “I don’t know. I have lost count.”

She gives me a compassionate smile, “You know, I have an idea. Let’s go for a walk. We’ve been sitting down for hours, and the exercise might do you some good. I know a park not far from here where some volunteers are starting to replant trees – we could go and take a look.”

I stare at her blankly through a haze of despondency.

“You could plant one,” She persists, “You know? For Shepard.”

Emily is trying so hard to make me happy again. I may not be able to bring back the past, but the thought of a tree flourishing in Kira’s name seems perfect. I imagine children playing beneath a splendid oak with golden leaves, laughing and growing in peace beneath its protective boughs. Planting a sapling seems like so small an action, so insignificant – but something like this might just do wonders for the future.

After a moment, I nod. “Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

**\---2183---**

 

“Focus your attack on Sovereign!”

The words still rang in my ears. Several minutes had passed since the Reaper dreadnaught had been shot down... Since the explosion had shaken the Citadel tower... Since the debris had rained down on us.

Everything happened so fast. There was barely time to think. Sovereign had unleashed one last, deadly weapon in its dying moments, igniting in a burst of electricity that sent the fragments of its vast body hurtling into the Citadel.

I remember vaguely standing there as Shepard screamed at me. I can see her eyes wide, her hand outstretched as she began to run toward me. _“GO!”_

Glass shattering... Embers raining down on my head as I slipped... The painful crunch of my armor against the ground... The horrific _whoosh_ of air as something narrowly missed my head... The terrifying darkness enclosing me, stifling me...

I force my eyes open. It is still so dark. Everything stinks of rancid smoke – I have come to hate this smell. Burning metal and flesh. It is the one smell in the world that, to me, embodies all the horrors of war. Another flash of memory crosses my vision.

_Saren is standing there in front of the console, holding a gun in his shaking hands. His eyes are confused as he watches Shepard step out from behind her cover – a move of insanity, or an offering of trust? At this point I can’t really tell. I bite back the urge to shout her name, to grasp her leg and drag her back to safety. But I trust her. I trust her not to get herself killed. And she manages to do the impossible: She talks him down. For the first time, he doubts himself. Saren’s eyes are flickering as he looks between Shepard and his gun..._

_“It’s not too late, Saren!” Kira shouts, holding out her hand toward the indoctrinated Turian. “It’s not too late to stop the Reapers!”_

_Saren hesitates, visibly fighting Sovereign’s control, “You’re right. But it is too late for me.” His face softens a little as he lifts the gun to his temple, “Goodbye, Shepard – and thank you.”_

_I freeze in shock as Saren collapses, falling down and away through the glass..._

I can see it all again, replaying, taunting me... It was supposed to be a victory. So why does it feel so empty?

Garrus is here. He’s next to me, tending my leg with some medigel. His eyes are dim as he meets my gaze.

“Garrus... What happened?” I croak, pushing myself upright. I wince at the stinging sensation in my knee. “Garrus?”

The Turian is not replying. His brows are knitted firmly together – his mandibles aren’t even twitching. It’s as though he has finally turned into stone.

Suddenly reality hits me.

I look around, feeling dizzily frantic. “Shepard... Garrus, where is she?” My stomach lurches and I struggle to pull myself upright, “We have to find her!”

“Kaidan, you’re not going anywhere on this leg.” Garrus pushes me back down, shaking his head firmly. “Besides, we’re trapped under this rubble.”

“We can’t leave her out there!” My voice is escalating in panic. My mind is overwhelmed with possibilities – is she injured, calling for help? Is she unconscious? Is she buried beneath debris? What if she’s bleeding, too weak to move? What if she didn’t make it...?

I swallow the urge to throw up.

“Do you think I haven’t tried, Alenko? I searched everywhere, but there’s no... No way out...” Garrus makes the strangest sound – a small howl, almost inaudible, but definitely a howl. _Is he crying?_ He covers his face with his talons, shaking his head. His shoulders are shaking now, and I can’t help but stare in shock. Garrus _never_ cries. And yet here he is, a full-grown Turian, falling to pieces right in front of me.

I lean back against the metal behind me, fighting back tears of my own.

Suddenly, I feel a shift in the debris at my back. Confused, I glance around to see the faintest sliver of light. _That was definitely not there before._

Again I feel it – movement. Now I can hear voices.

“In here!” I shout, pounding the metal with my fist. “Help! Over here!”

“There they are!” A voice yells faintly. The metal shifts again, the light pouring into our little sanctuary now as the hole grows bigger. “There’s movement over here, Sir!”

The intense glow of a torch sweeps across my face. I raise a hand out of reflex, tears stinging my eyes as I struggle to focus. _Maybe they have found Shepard. Maybe she’s already safe, waiting for me..._

The next moment, Anderson is here. He’s holding me by the shoulder, talking to me... “Where’s the Commander?” He asks me, his eyes expectant. “Where is Shepard?”

I look up at him dejectedly, realising with dread that she’s still unaccounted for. I can’t speak. I just shake my head... _I don’t know._

Anderson stands, his eyes surveying the desolation around us.

One of the other marines helps me to my feet, and I accept the help gratefully. He is leading me toward the elevator, and I have no choice but to follow. We slowly navigate the rubble. My feet stumble across shredded Reaper fragments, my knee screaming in agony. But in the end, the pain is just a distraction. After a moment, I indicate for the marine to stop. I turn and stare out toward the council’s pedestal.

There is nothing left. Flames... Smoke... Twisted black metal where the security console used to be...

 _This can’t be happening._ I promised her that I would be right beside her, watching out for her. But in that last, horrible moment, everything went so wrong. I still see her hand, stretching out, reaching for me. _Oh Kira, no. Not you. Please don’t leave me here alone._

My escort tugs on my arm, but I don’t move. I simply can’t believe it – she can’t be gone.

“There!”

I snap out of my trance, my eyes searching the wreckage. Somewhere out there I can hear somebody moving, groaning with painful effort. My heart leaps into my throat as I catch a glimpse of movement.

_Can it be...?_

I watch as a small human figure, armoured in black, rises from the ruins, struggling forward out of the flames.

I begin to smile. Even from so far away, I can see her eyes sparkling.

Shepard is standing tall, her chin tilted up despite her limp. She’s cradling one arm to her chest, but to look at her beaming face you would never know she is in pain. As she sees me, she begins to limp a little faster, a definite grin spreading across her lips.

I break free of the young marine’s grip, half stumbling and half dragging my injured body across the wreckage to reach her.

She’s here now, falling into my arms with a small cry of relief. I wrap my arms around her, holding her as close as my armour will allow.

“Oh Shepard,” I exclaim breathlessly, doing my best to ignore the half-dozen people staring at us in shock. “You made it. Oh hell, you scared me to death. I thought I’d lost you.”

She wraps her good arm around my neck, “Lose me – this soon? Not a chance, Alenko,” She quips, but her voice is betraying her emotions with every tremor.

“I’m glad to hear it.” I stroke her hair, desperately trying to slow my heart back down. _It’s okay now. She’s safe._ “Just don’t do this to me too often, okay? At least, not before I’ve had my morning coffee.”

Shepard laughs – a genuine, deep chuckle. Her breath is warm against my cheek. “I’ll try to keep that in mind.” Her arm tightens around my shoulders as she confesses, “I can’t believe it, Kaidan. I can’t believe it’s over.”

Somewhere in the distance, I can hear Anderson instructing the others to vacate the area. I glance up to see the Captain watching us with an amused smile, his eyes soft and maybe a little envious. Suddenly I feel nervous – Anderson is the closest thing that Shepard has to family. This wasn’t exactly the way I had thought to tell him about... Well, _us._ Truthfully, I hadn’t thought that far ahead just yet. But as he meets my gaze, Anderson smiles and nods, as though to say, _take care of her._

My chest suddenly feels so much lighter.

I pull back so I can look into Kira’s eyes. She gazes up at me with a mixture of disbelief and joy, a tear slipping from the corner of one beautiful eye. I stop it with my finger, brushing it away tenderly. “Yes – it’s over.” I press a kiss to her forehead, “At last. Hell, we can _finally_ take that shore leave we’ve been talking about since Noveria.”

It’s Kira’s turn to pull back. She raises her eyebrow and gives that adorable half-smile, “Is there something you want to tell me, Kaidan...?”

“I haven’t booked any tickets,” I protest, raising my hands as her eyes give me a comical glare. “I swear.”

“But you have been planning,” She probes, her eyes glinting mischievously.

“Well, maybe...”

“I _knew_ it!” Kira laughs and wraps her arm around my chest supportively, “Come on, Alenko. Let’s go get patched up. And while the Doctor is checking on that knee of yours, you can tell me all about this scheme of yours.”

I can already see where she’s going with this. I laugh as I shake my head. “You’re not driving.”

“What? Oh come on!”

“No.”

“Kaidan... Please?”

“ _Definitely_ not!”

“I promise I’ll stay on the road this time.”

“Road--?! You practically _carve_ your own roads!”

“You’ve got to admit, it is more fun that way.”

She’s got me there. I let my laughter escape as we step into the elevator, “Don’t make me regret this, Shepard.”

“Who, me?” Kira gives me a cheeky wink, “I’m just getting started.”

 

* * *

 

**\---A WEEK LATER---**

 

I balance my weight ever so carefully on the tree branch, my toes curling around the wood. “How close am I now?” I shout down from my lofty perch.

“Just a little further!” Comes the jovial response, “It’s just above your right shoulder.”

I edge my foot out, lifting my hands to grip the bough above my head, “I hope you’re enjoying this.”

“Oh believe me, the view is quite something.”

I roll my eyes, “I knew it.”

“What?”

“This whole thing was a ruse just so you can look at my butt.”

The response is a hearty laugh from below me, “I’ve just never seen it in jeans before. What can I say? It’s a novelty.”

“Keep distracting me and this ‘novelty’ will wind up in the grass. And I’d rather not, seeing as it’s rather a long way down.” I release my left hand from its hold and take a swing out, desperately trying to reach that illusive apple. The piece of fruit bops back and forth on its stem, its lush green skin gleaming deviously in the sunlight. “Damn. Come here you little--!” My hand balls into a frustrated fist, faintly shimmering with blue...

“No biotics – remember?”

“This was such a stupid idea,” I mutter, wiping away a drop of sweat from my forehead. “I’ve killed hundreds of Geth, helped take down Saren and that Reaper, and what do you think – I can’t even pluck an apple from a tree!”

“What is this I hear?” Kira leans into my line of vision, her eyes meeting mine through the leaves, “Do you forfeit?”

“Forfeit to _you_? Hell, no!” I take another swipe at the apple, “I’m going to win this bet if it’s the last thing I do.”

Kira smirks with satisfaction, “Fine by me – more time to enjoy the show.”

Finally my fingers latch onto the leaf just above the apple. “Got you!” It’s a tentative grip, but with slow, stealthy moves, I pull the reluctant fruit in. I reach out with my other hand and pluck it from its branch, holding it up with immense satisfaction. “I hope you’re ready to pay up!”

Shepard folds her arms, shaking her head. “And I was going to enjoy watching you do all those push-ups too.”

I toss down the apple, and she catches it. But the movement throws me out of balance. I begin to wobble from side to side, my hands flailing about in a desperate search for that branch to steady myself... No such luck.

With a cry, I fall down through the leaves. The world spins around me and I hit the ground heavily, landing on one side of my body.

 _“Ooof!”_ The wind has been knocked from my lungs, so I just lie here, dazed, staring at the grass directly in front of my nose.

Suddenly Kira’s head fills my view, her hair falling comically to one side. Her eyes are wide, her mouth moving... She’s speaking, I think, but somehow my brain is not quite taking it all in. I blink a few times, and then start to smile.

Her worried expression immediately changes to one of annoyance, and a jab punch connects with my shoulder.

“Ow!” I protest, rolling onto my back with fits of laughter. “Now _that_ hurt.”

“Son of a--!” Kira explodes, her hands gripping me by the shoulders and shaking me hard. “I thought I was going to have to run and find help, you scared me so badly! What, did you think this was funny? Huh?!” She purses her lips as I try not to chuckle. “You used your biotics, didn’t you?” She eyes me suspiciously, “You cheated!”

“But I didn’t use them to _get the apple_ ,” I point out, grinning impishly. Another light punch finds my stomach, and I cough on my pent-up laughter.

“Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with this, Kaidan Alenko!”

“Oh I’m sure you won’t,” I retort with mock concern, “I’m rather looking forward to it, actually. Punishment is rather easy to take when it’s coming from you.” I pull out one of my trump cards, doing my best to melt her heart with big, brown eyes.

It seems to be working. Her cheeks flush bright red as she leans over me, her auburn hair slipping out from behind her ear. “Puppy eyes aren’t going to change anything.” Shepard sits back on crossed legs, and takes a bite out of the apple.

“Oh well, it was worth a try.” I push myself up on my elbows, watching her with amusement. “How is it?”

“Tart,” She responds, pulling a face. “It’s so strange – after years of eating military rations, I thought that a real apple would be sweet.”

“Here, let me try.” I take the apple from her hands, and steal a mouthful from the other side. “Mmmph. It’s not bad – maybe a little under-ripe.”

“Give it here,” She snatches it back, looking up at me playfully through those thick dark lashes, “I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

Coming out to my parents’ orchard was a marvellous idea, even if I say so myself. My mother had sent me a message while I had been on the Normandy, letting me know that she and Dad were flying back to Vancouver for two months while he attended a training course. She had offered me the use of the orchard and the homestead for the time they were away. Of course, I hadn’t really thought I’d get the chance. But when Anderson offered the crew a month of shore leave following the attack on the Citadel, I leapt at the opportunity. And after the stress of the last few months, convincing Shepard to come along hadn’t been very difficult.

“What are you thinking about?” Kira asks, her hands still wrapped around the apple.

“Just that this was a good idea after all.”

“Yes it was,” She nods, her eyes taking in the long rows of trees stretching out across the lush hillside. “This place is so beautiful.”

Suddenly, the sunlight disappears – a dark cloud is moving in across the sky, its black depths swelling and glowering down at us menacingly. I glance up in time to see a bolt of lightning strike the mountains in the distance. “I think we’d better head back to the house. That storm is moving in to stay.” I stand and help her to her feet.

Shepard’s eyes are wide as she takes in the mammoth storm clouds sweeping down toward us. “I’m with you.”

We start to run down the stretch of grass, the tall apple trees on either side of us swaying gently in the stirring wind. The grass is soft beneath my bare feet. It feels so good to be running in the fresh air, with no enemies pursuing us. The orchard itself is extensive, but thankfully today we only wandered a short distance from the homestead. I can see it now, just a few hundred meters down the hillside.

The house itself is beautiful – built in an old style, two storeys, with walls of grey stone and white trim. The roof is sloping, dotted with small attic windows that peer out across the hills toward the distant line of mountains. Downstairs, the white shutters and a wrap-around veranda make the homestead my favourite place on earth. I remember the long summer I spent here in British Colombia after Brain Camp wound up. I had been so tired and lonely after that ordeal, but this place always manages to soothe me.

Kira is a little ahead of me now, sprinting down the lawn as the clouds open up. Rain pours down and immediately soaks through my shirt. The droplets are cool, trickling off my hair and down my neck. Kira stops as she reaches the veranda, waiting for me before skipping up the stairs and under the shade of the porch.

Her eyes are wide, but she’s laughing. “That was amazing!” She exclaims, sucking in breaths of cool air.

“I haven’t done that in years,” I muse, “Not since my teens.”

“Me neither.”

I pause for a moment, my fingers carefully sweeping a wet strand of hair away from her forehead. Droplets of water are lingering on her eyelashes. I feel so drawn to her, especially when she’s like this: natural, happy, peaceful. Shepard notices my eyes drifting toward her lips, and immediately lowers her gaze to my shoulders. She blushes again, and turns to look at the view.

I take my cue, “Uh... I’m just going to duck inside and grab some towels.”

“Okay.”

I step inside the house, my bare feet padding quietly across the polished timber floor. I peek into the living room to see that there is dry wood chopped and ready – good. If this storm keeps up, we’ll need a good fire in the hearth. My mind’s eye conjures up an image of the two of us snuggled on the sofa, sipping apple cider and exchanging stories late into the night. That’s how we have been spending each evening – the fire has become our favourite part of the house. Shepard often steals me away into the living room after we clean up dinner. Sometimes she reads to me as I rub her feet – a definite sign of trust on her part. Honestly, if you had told me a few weeks ago that I would be spending my shore leave with the Commander Shepard, and giving her _foot rubs_ I would have laughed. But now that I’m here, I want nothing more than to be able to stay.

 I duck up the oak staircase to the second floor. The last door opens into my room: large and comfortable, painted beige like the rest of the house, but carpeted with soft wool instead of wooden panels. Shepard had settled in quickly. She doesn’t have many belongings of her own, besides her clothes and her pistol, that is. In spite of this, she has been ever so cautious, constantly checking to make sure that she isn’t impinging on my space. The only sign of her presence is a journal on the nightstand.

_Stop getting distracted!_

I open the oak cabinet on the far wall, retrieving a towel along with a few spare sweaters, and slip back downstairs.

Kira is still on the veranda, her back to me as she stares out across the trees. She’s leaning on the railing of the balcony, her hair blowing in the sweet, cool wind. The storm clouds have settled in across the hilltops, sending a cascade of misty rain as far as the eye can see.

I push the front door open, pulling my old navy sweater over my shoulders.

“I love the smell of rain. Have I ever told you that?” Kira glances up at me, her golden eyes soft in the dim light.

“No – you haven’t.” I stand behind her and wrap my arms around her waist, offering her a khaki sweater of mine to keep her warm.

Kira accepts it, and slips it over her head, sending me a grateful smile. “I haven’t seen rain in years,” she whispers, her voice edged with a tinge of regret. “It used to rain on Mindoir almost every night when I was a child. The rain was beautiful. I used to fall asleep to the sound of it pattering on the roof. But I was terrified of storms. I would hide beneath my pillows so I wouldn’t see the lightning, but no matter how hard I tried, the thunder always found me.

“My father sometimes would hear me crying, and he would come and sit with me. We would read stories with a torch when the power went out. Once, when I was ten, he said to me, ‘one day you’ll be strong enough to stand your ground in the rain, Button. One day the thunder won’t scare you anymore. It will be beautiful. And when that day comes, I’ll be right there. And I’ll be proud of you.’ I thought he was mad. How could thunder and lightning be beautiful? It seemed so violent, so cold and relentless. I didn’t think I ever could be brave enough to go out there.”

A stab of sadness makes my heart ache a little as Shepard describes her father. _It must have been hard to lose him_. I don’t say that out loud though. Instead, I stroke the back of her hand. “And did you?”

Kira looks up into the clouds. “A year after the attack on Mindoir, I managed to get permission to go back. Just the once. I waited until twilight, and then I walked out to a small hilltop, just a few hundred meters from where our colony had once been. Years ago it had been covered in ferns. It was my favourite place as a child. I had played there so often. It seemed so different – all the ferns were gone, instead it was just mottled grass. It was as though my history there had been erased. The rain fell on my face, and for the first time, it comforted me. For the first time, my fear was overcome by a feeling of strength. And in that moment, I swear I almost heard my father say, ‘I’m so proud of you. You’ve found your courage.’”

A tear escapes her eye and rolls down her porcelain cheek. I pull her closer, watching as the brilliance of the lightning reflects in her eyes.

“I’ve never told that to anyone before,” She admits, burying her head in my neck.

“Then I’m glad you told me.” I brush the tips of my fingers along her cheek, “And you know, I don’t think the rain has ever looked so beautiful to me before.”

We stand there in silence for several minutes, taking in the spectacle of the lightning dancing across the sky. Finally, the wind gets a little too cold. I pull Kira away from the railing and back into the warmth of the house.

“Come on,” I say, leading her to the lounge, “I’ll get a fire started.”

“That sounds nice,” She murmurs, curling up in her favourite corner of the sofa. “What about the bet? You still haven’t told me what your stake is in all this.”

“Well I guess that makes us even,” I reply, stoking a tiny flame in the hearth. “You didn’t exactly claim your prize after that competition at Flux.”

She lets her head fall back against the cushions, “I forgot about that.”

I stand as the fire slowly begins to spread among the wood, licking at the bark until it kindles into a steady blaze. “You know, I could settle for a mug of warm apple cider.” I move to kneel in front of her, resting my chin on her knees. “How does that sound?”

Shepard leans down and presses her lips to mine. I close my eyes, letting myself fall into the moment. She tastes of sweet apple. My senses reel as she pulls me in closer, deepening the kiss. Her hand runs through my hair as she murmurs, “That sounds perfect.” Her other hand finds its home in the warm folds of my sweater, “Kaidan?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to go back to work.”

I break the kiss with a sigh, leaning my forehead against hers. “Me neither.” I finally decide to take the chance. “Kira... I love you.”

The words don’t shock her like I thought they might. Instead, her eyes shine as she holds me close. There is a long pause as she studies my face, then a tender smile emerges. “I love you too, Kaidan.”


	7. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan faces his worst nightmare: Being alone. His loneliness drives him back to the first Normandy, and the day his world changed forever...

 “Hey, Kaidan!”

I glance up in time to see a glove flying at my face. My hand snatches it mid-air, my fingers exuding the faintest tinge of blue.

“Nice catch, Alenko.” Darren smiles at me. “And that hole looks almost right – another half a foot and you should be right. We’ll make a gardener of you yet!”

I feign a smile, wiping my sweaty forehead with the back of my hand.

It’s been years since I’ve held a shovel, and the unwieldy instrument feels irritatingly off-camber in my hands. Above me, the sun is glowing brilliantly. It is a strikingly hot day, especially for London. The sunlight streams down across the parched ground, casting strange shadows around the wisps of smoke that still linger in the air. It’s like planting a garden in a graveyard. All around me are buildings, some covered in scaffolds, and others still just hollow shells of rusting metal. I look down at the dirt and still see flashes of battle before my eyes: Soldiers being shot down where they stand; others running and being caught in explosions; lives being torn apart before my eyes. I can still hear their shrieks in my ears.

I shut my eyes, clenching my teeth as I attempt to block out the images.

“Kaidan?” Emily is kneeling in the dirt, about a meter away. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly, the sky goes pitch black.

I wheel about in horror as the chilling call of a Reaper fills the air. The sun is gone – smoke is swirling across the sky, tainted red like blood in water. A hundred of those hideous metal giants slowly materialize through the cloud, descending upon the Earth. Their evil talons open wide to receive the harvest.

Somebody is calling my name... A familiar voice... _Kaidan! Kaidan!_ It’s too far away.

The horrific chorus of screams and gunfire surrounds me – I sink to my knees, covering my ears with my hands, desperately clawing at my head in vain. My legs feel weak as I struggle to breathe.

_No! We finished this!_

I look behind me to see my sapling, the one I had been striving to plant earlier, is now a vast oak tree. It has grown: Beautiful strong boughs spread out above my head. But to my horror, instead of the glorious orange autumn leaves I’d hoped to see, I find that it is being consumed by flames.

“Make it stop!” I yell, my throat stinging as dust is whipped up into the air. “I can’t take this again! _Make it stop!_ ” My eyes are squeezed shut against the wind. I bow my head as I hear the Reapers’ ominous roars just above me.

Suddenly, the cutting wind dies away, as though I’m being sheltered. With trepidation, I lift my head. Two feet are planted firmly on the ground directly in front of me, clad in metal boots.

“Kaidan!”

I can hear clearly it now – that warm, reassuring voice I know so well. It comes to me through the wind, wrapping around me tenderly, protectively...

She came back to save me.

Her armour is splattered with dirt and blood, but I can still see the gleaming cobalt metal and the red and white stripe down her right arm. Her back is turned to me, but I can still make out the faint blue glow of her visor, the satin-like shimmer of her hair as it is caught on the breeze...

“Shepard!” I call out, my voice barely audible in the wind.

A Reaper spots us. Its red laser zeroes in on Kira, leaving me lying helplessly in her shadow. I have no armour, no gun. My biotic implant is eerily weak – I can’t even summon a barrier. I can’t do a thing to help. Shepard draws her weapon – is that a missile launcher? I can’t tell. The light is making it impossible for me to see. She levels it at the Reaper, never backing down, not even trembling in its presence.

“This is for Earth!” She declares, pulling the trigger.

The Reaper crumples in shock as the missile collides with its core. There is a moment of hesitation, and then a ball of flame erupts, sending shards of metal raining down upon us. The hulk of the beast begins to sway, balancing precariously on those talons...

It’s beginning to fall toward us.

_We’re too close!_

“It’s going to crush us!” I exclaim, struggling to get to my feet. I still feel so weak. I look down and see that my legs are sinking into the mud.

A hand seizes mine, holding me fast. It’s Shepard. I can barely see her eyes through her visor, but I can see her smile. It’s beautiful, and for a moment, I forget my fear.

“Hold onto that hope,” She whispers as her hand touches my cheek, “And when you do, I’ll come back to you.”

Flames descend upon us. I am still looking up into her eyes, watching, frozen, as she begins to melt away. Her body begins to disintegrate, escaping into the sky in curling vapours of smoke. Her hands are always the last thing to let go, and as they do, I’m left behind in the cold...

 

* * *

 

 

I wake up screaming. “ _Kira_!” My body is shivering, my hands shaking violently as I reach out into thin air. I take rapid, shallow breaths, still trying to grasp the fact that this is reality.

Her name is always the first thing on my lips. It seems like an eternity since... Since...

I cover my face with my hands.

_What is wrong with me?_

I don’t usually cry. I’ve only ever cried on three instances that I can remember: When I was brought home from Brain Camp, when my father was listed as MIA during the Reaper invasion, and when Shepard left me behind.

It’s been so long since then, but the nightmares are still intense. Each night is like reliving those last few moments all over again in a new place, with different people. It’s always the same thing. I am doing something normal, like planting a tree, and then the reapers come back. And there she’ll be, standing between me and danger, her gun in her hands. She always wins. She’s Commander Shepard – she always does. And then, right at the moment when victory is certain, she’s taken away from me.

It’s cruel. Every night I wake up with a cold sweat, screaming her name, sobbing when I realise that she’s not here. I don’t know which part is worse: the nightmare or the reality.

I glance across at the clock to find that it’s two in the morning. I’ve only been asleep for a few hours.

_You’re pathetic, Alenko._

I lie back on my pillow, combing my fingers through my damp hair.

Back in the weeks after Sovereign’s attack, I remember having nightmares too. They were similar then: Shepard and I running headlong into danger, side by side. Somehow she always saw it coming long before I did. She would push me out of the way, and I would fall aside, watching helplessly as she was shot by Geth or crushed beneath falling metal. The nightmares were horrible then, but now? It’s like being subjected to torture each and every night – and it has been that way now for almost four months.

I’m sleep deprived and I’m emotionally shattered. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

Some nights I go for a walk. The streets are always empty, and sometimes the darkness helps to calm me down. Once I stumbled across a group of thugs looting from a store. That had been interesting – I suspended them in a stasis field for twenty minutes until the police arrived. But in the end there’s only so many ‘good deeds’ you can do before you realise that you’re just trying to block it all out.

I know that blocking out the pain isn’t the answer. Letting it go is. But I can’t do that just yet. I can’t.

I remember Emily Wong giving me her datapad at the end of the last afternoon we’d spent together. Thinking about it, I guess that was the subconscious trigger for my nightmare. We had gone to that park like Emily had suggested and I had planted an oak sapling for Shepard. I even put a little wooden marker in the soil so I would remember which one it was. You know, just in case I go back someday. I remember burying the roots beneath the damp earth and wondering what Shepard would think if she could see it...

“Maybe you could get a plaque made,” Emily had suggested light-heartedly, leaning on the handle of her shovel. She had planted a bush a few feet away, and was chatting with me as we leaned back to admire our handiwork. “You could have an inscription made for Shepard – you know? Something nice like, ‘she saved the galaxy’.”

I bit my lip and sat back on my haunches. “I don’t know how she would feel about that.”

“You don’t have to put her name on it.”

I raised a brow sceptically. “What do you mean?”

Emily shrugged, “Think outside the box. I mean, there’s bound to be some sort of Shepard monument someday. I mean, come on, Alenko, you’re writing a book for her. Surely you can write an inscription.”

“ _You’re_ writing the book,” I reminded her with a faint smile.

“Yeah right!” Emily laughed, shaking her head. “Just you keep telling yourself that.”

Emily’s comment sounded so much like something Shepard would say. In that moment that it made my heart stop. For a brief instant, I could see Kira again, sitting across from me on the sofa just like we had done on shore leave. I felt her toes brushing the underside of my foot, trying to make me squirm. She loved doing that.

I felt my toes curl inside my boot as I came back, blinking in the daylight. Suddenly I knew what to put on the plaque. “What about, ‘for my Kira: The soul behind the name’.”

Emily had given me a wide smile. “That sounds wonderful. See? I told you that you could do it.”

A few hours later, she had walked me to my sky-car. As I turned to go, the reporter held out her datapad and told me to hold onto it for a few days. “I have to go and do another job,” She informed me, “But that doesn’t mean you have to stop writing.”

“I’m not an author!” I shake my head vehemently. “I’m no good with words.”

“How can you say that? You’re telling the story, Kaidan, I’m just writing it down.” She thrusts it at me. “ _Take it._ If you remember something important, then you can record it. Trust me; it will do you good to talk to something other than me for a change.”

So here I am – two days later, lying in bed and staring dumbly at my ceiling.

_Great Emily – thanks a lot. You’ve got me talking to the mildew instead._

It’s not a particularly nice apartment. I’m staying in temporary lodgings while the Alliance repair crews and the other volunteers continue the clean-up effort. My apartment is really just a two-room flat. A claustrophobic bathroom, and a bedroom and a kitchenette in the tiny living space aren’t exactly ideal living conditions, and it has taken some getting used to. The bed, on the other hand, I’ll never get used to – it sinks terribly in the middle, and that’s with just me in it. As I’m sure I’ve said before, it’s not the first time I’ve lived out of a shoebox. It is, however, the first time I’ve lived out of a _mouldy_ shoebox.

A siren sounds beneath my window. It’s an eerie sound, especially in the dark. Red and blue lights flash across my ceiling as a police sky-car rushes down the street. Somehow I get the feeling that I’m not going to be getting any more sleep tonight.

I stretch my legs as I ease off the bed, making for the bathroom. The floor squeaks as I step onto the tiles and flick on the light switch – a watery patch on the ceiling greets me.

_Great. Another leak._

I shake my head. I’ll have to call maintenance and hope that they have a gap in their schedule sometime in the next month. Otherwise, I’ll have to navigate around a bucket as well, and with the tiny floor-space, moving in this apartment is difficult enough.

I slip off my shorts, crank up the hot water and step under the shower. My mind flashes back to the first Normandy, and the times Shepard and I had shared there. The Normandy had been smaller then – it was difficult to find time alone. We were interrupted numerous times. It didn’t seem to matter whether we were stealing a silent moment in the armoury or whether Shepard invited me to her cabin: somebody found a way to butt in.

Joker in particular became a master at it.

Yes... Joker. He was a brilliant pilot, and he is still a great friend. But if there is one thing that got under my skin, it was his uncanny way of knowing when we _didn’t_ want to be disturbed. Sometimes I wondered whether he’d developed some kind of formula: _Wait ten minutes after they’ve come back from a mission and then radio Shepard about the council. Yes, that will do it!_

After a few minutes, I step out of the shower and move toward the vanity. The mirror is foggy – not just from steam, but from tarnishing. I can just make out my reflection in the glass. My face still looks the same, but my hair is the result of the stresses of war. As I run a comb through it, I can see grey among the jet black strands. A few months ago, I had barely been showing any signs of age. Now, the hair above my ears is turning silver. I can’t help but wonder what Shepard would think if she could see it. Would she have liked this ‘mature’ look? I can’t quite come to terms with it – mostly because I don’t want to change. I want to be the Kaidan she remembered.

Towelling myself off, I step back into the other room. My eyes instantly wander to the datapad on the nightstand. I pick it up, holding it in my clammy hands nervously as I weigh my options.

_What would Shepard have wanted me to write?_

I sit down on the bed, open the manuscript document and begin typing.

 

* * *

 

**\---2184---**

 

I must be the luckiest man alive.

It has been three months since the Battle of the Citadel – three long, calm, wonderful months. It still hasn’t quite hit home yet; part of me still wonders whether this glorious peace can last. I hope it can. Because where I am right now, life couldn’t be more perfect.

 She’s asleep in my arms: the strongest, the kindest, and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. And she’s here, with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I truly think that this could actually happen. Alliance rules and regulations stipulated only too clearly that a relationship between officers was off-limits. For months I sat on my hands and bided my time. Looking back, I wish I had acted sooner, but after our shore leave I’m just grateful for the time we’ve had. That rulebook is probably still out there somewhere, floating among the stars. No matter the consequences, I know now that I could never have made any other choice.

We’re back on the Normandy, following the new Council’s orders to clear out the remaining pockets of Geth in the Omega Nebula. It’s not exactly how I envisioned our first mission as ‘heroes’ – part of me can’t help but wonder if the Council is trying to cover up the whole incident. I wonder if it’s also partly because Shepard didn’t come to the aid of the Destiny Ascension. Are they trying to make her suffer for that choice? I hope not.

I look down at Kira, smiling as her eyelashes twitch slightly. I wonder what she’s dreaming about. One of her arms is wrapped around my torso; the other is under her pillow. Her forehead rests against my shoulder, just the way it had when she had fallen asleep last night. In fact, I don’t think she’s moved all night. Now her breathing becomes shallower and her palm brushes against my side. She’s coming out of her deep sleep.

“Shepard,” I whisper in her ear, stroking her hair delicately.

She sighs, her eyes stirring a little underneath those long, dark lashes. She murmurs something incoherent in her sleepy daze.

I kiss her nose and try again, “Kira? You need to wake up.”

Still nothing. Well, except a guttural sound that vaguely resembles a blend between my name and a rude word. I refrain from laughing. Shepard rarely has ‘good’ mornings – at least, not until she’s had her coffee. This morning seems to be worse than normal. Somehow I’m not surprised after last night. Glancing at the clock on the desk, I decide that waking her is going to take some drastic action...

I lean in, pressing a kiss to her neck.

It works. Shepard begins to move, her other coming up to wrap around me. “Mmmmph.”

“Kira,” I try again, pulling back and watching her with amusement.

“What.”

“It’s almost six thirty.”

This gets a response. She lifts her head, her hair falling across her face haphazardly. She swats it back, reaching for the alarm clock on the table. Her eyes are barely open and she still looks gorgeous.

“Six thirty – already?” Her words are slurred. She lies back with a moan, rubbing her eyes. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I tried, but you were sleeping,” I smile, leaning over her and kissing the other side of her neck.

“That’s no excuse, Lieutenant.”

“Lieutenant?” I chuckle, “You can’t call me that. You’re not in uniform yet.”

Her hands brace against my chest, pushing me up so she can see my face. Kira is clearly irritated, but after a few moments, I can see the annoyance melting away. It is rapidly being replaced by an altogether different emotion.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?” I feign innocence.

“That!”

“What, this?” I smile, breaking through her defences and nibbling her collarbone.

“Yes, that!” Kira is trying very hard not to giggle, but it isn’t working. “Damn, keep this up and I won’t even _make it_ to work.”

“Well, in that case.” I break free from her, sitting up and reaching for my sweatshirt. But she stops me from putting it on by slipping her hands over my shoulders. I feel her head resting in the crook of my neck, her hair tickling against my skin.

“I love you, Kaidan.”

I smile contentedly, leaning my head against hers. “I love you too, Shepard.” We stay here for a long moment before finally I remind her, “You’re running out of time to go get that coffee.”

Kira exhales, sending a warm gush of air across my skin. “You’ll help me stay awake, won’t you?”

She’s talking about the humorous messages I send to her omni-tool. Every now and then during her day, I write to remind her that she needs to stay focused on her tasks. Two minutes later I send through another message, in which I describe all the little private things I know are going to make her witlessly distracted. It’s particularly entertaining when she’s in meetings with the Council or Hackett. Often I get messages in return depicting how she’s going to make me pay for being so invasive. She never carries out her threats, though. Beneath that violent exterior is a molten heart – and I love it.

“I think I can manage that,” I reply with a confident smirk.

“Alright, Lieutenant – battle faces.” She pulls away and stretches her arms. “Shower. Coffee. I’ve got to finalise our search trajectory for the week, confirm the schedule with Joker, and then I’ve got a call to Hackett at nine.”

I groan and shake my head. “Sounds more interesting than my schedule – another weapons check, and then I’m heading down to Engineering to help Adams with the maintenance rounds.”

“Sounds like I’ll have to send you some messages of my own.” Kira winks at me as she stands and walks toward her desk. She picks up the datapad lying on top of her uniform, scrolling down the screen. “Sometimes I don’t know what we’re doing.”

“What do you mean?” I walk over and wrap my arms around her waist.

“The entire fleet saw Sovereign. How can they justify sending us out to clean up the Geth? They’re not the real threat – we all know that.” Kira turns to look me in the eye. “I know it’s not over, Kaidan. It _can’t_ be. The Reapers aren’t going to give up that easily. They know we destroyed one of their own, and they’ll be seeking vengeance.”

“Kira,” I whisper, touching her cheek, “I believe in you. Hell, I know we’ve barely started. But the Council can’t ignore this forever. Things will have to change. And when they do, you’ll be leading the way, like you always do.”

“Thank you, Kaidan.” She smiles faintly. “Just... Just promise me that when the war comes that you’ll be there.”

“Always,” I reply tenderly, holding her close. “The Reapers will have to kill me before I’ll let go of you.”

Shepard starts to laugh, her chest shaking with silent amusement.

I pull away. “What?”

She bites her lip. “When you said that I’ll be leading the way, I had an apparition of myself in Admiral’s stripes.”

At first I can’t quite see the humour in it. To be entirely honest, Shepard looks stunning in a dress uniform, and gold bars on her shoulders would suit her perfectly. But it’s the image of Kira being pent up behind a desk that makes me chuckle. “Yeah, I get that.”

“If I’m going to war, I want to make sure that I’m charging the enemy along with all the other soldiers,” Shepard adds, tossing away the datapad and pulling me close, “Not giving orders from a safe distance.”

“I don’t think it would matter what rank you were, you’d always be out there with a gun in your hands.”

“And don’t you just love it.” She winks and presses her lips to mine. “Now,” Kira informs me, stepping back, “I am _really_ late.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Any chance of some coffee, Alenko?” Navigator Pressly addresses me from across the crew deck.

I glance up from writing my report, smiling. I jerk my head in the direction of the pot resting on the table, “I topped it up just a few minutes ago. Great timing.”

Pressly grins and pours himself a mug. “How have you been doing on the maintenance rounds? I hear you’ve been working with Adams.”

“He’s not bad. It’s not a stressful job, but it takes a lot of fine adjustments.”

Pressly is silent as he takes a mouthful of his coffee. Then he remarks, “I don’t mean to pry, Lieutenant, but you and the Commander...” He hesitates and I interject.

“It’s okay, Pressly. It’s hardly a state secret.”

The navigator nods, still looking slightly awkward. “I just wanted to say that I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” I smile, returning to my report as Pressly heads back up the stairs to the bridge.

A few minutes pass before I feel it: A rocking of the ship. It’s mild at first, as though the artificial gravity system has suffered a minor glitch. But then it happens again. And this time, it’s not subtle. The floor begins to shake. Above me, the ceiling panels are cracking, dropping dust and insulating fibre down around me. Alarms sound as the power goes out.

_What the hell?_

The emergency lighting flickers to life, casting an eerie red glow across the deck.

_This isn’t a drill._

I rush across to my locker, stepping into my armour. I grab my helmet and run back toward Shepard’s quarters, punching in the emergency access code. The door opens a fraction, but not far enough. Using my full weight, I push it the rest of the way.

Her cabin is dark. Smoke is filling the air and it’s getting harder to see.

“Shepard!” I yell.

She’s not there.

Turning on my heel, I head back out into the corridor. My heart is pounding in my chest as members of the crew rush past. Some are wearing armour; others are making do with oxygen masks. I look up as I hear a terrible sound: A tearing, screeching noise. In my mind’s eye, I envision claws ripping into the metal above me. The Normandy’s metal girders begin to shift. Cables fall from between the cracks in the ship’s plating, sparking off each other and causing flames to leap up from within the walls.

I need to find Shepard!

Turning down the corridor, I sprint toward the first thing I see: An open door leading into the emergency comm centre. I slip through the gap.

“Shepard!” I exclaim.

She’s in her armour, standing in front of the command terminal.

_She’s readying an emergency distress beacon._

Kira enters the last few digits of her access code and the screen starts flashing confirmation. She reaches across and picks up her helmet, locking it in place. Now she turns to meet my gaze, her eyes masked by the tinted glass of her visor. “Distress beacon is ready for launch.” Her voice is impossibly steady.

_How can you be this calm? This ship is being torn apart!_

I put on my own helmet. “Will the Alliance get here in time?”

“They’ll be here.” She takes a step toward me, but the Normandy suffers another violent tremor.

Flames erupt through the floor, sending billows of smoke into the air. Shepard grasps a fire extinguisher, grappling with it to quell the blaze.

“Get everyone to the escape pods,” She instructs me.

“Joker is still up there,” I realise with sudden horror. The Normandy lurches beneath me, and I stumble, grabbing hold of a nearby girder to steady myself. “He won’t leave the ship!”

“I’ll go get Joker.” Shepard reaches out to touch my arm. Her fingers are clad in metal, but the warmth of her touch is as real to me as it was last night.

“Shepard...” I don’t want to leave her, but I can hear the determination in her voice. She’s more than my lover. She’s my commander. And I know she will never forgive me for questioning her orders. I search for her eyes, straining to make out those gorgeous golden-brown irises through the shadowy glass. A breath catches in my throat. “I won’t leave you.”

There – a slight flicker in the shadows, a shimmer of emotion behind that mask of certainty.

“Kaidan.” She slowly releases her hold on me, stepping away slowly. “You need to go. _Now_.”

My stomach twists as I force a nod. “Aye, Ma’am.” I almost choke on the words.

With numb legs, I stumble back out into the corridor. I can’t look back. I can’t stop to think. She gave me an order, and I have to see it through.

The fire has taken hold – it’s leaping up from the deck, scorching the walls and the ceiling. The Normandy’s supporting metal frame is beginning to buckle. There is an explosion somewhere on the upper deck. I can hear it for a brief moment: the violent grinding of metal sends a chill up my spine. And then, to my horror, everything goes silent.

I know what that means.

The vacuum of space is the only thing that can drown out noise like that.

“To the escape pods!” I shout to the crew. “ _Move_!”

I watch them file past me, each one slipping into their emergency harnesses. My head is beginning to throb. I’m feeling strangely breathless, like I’m caught in the middle of a nightmare.

_This can’t be real._

This is the Normandy – the place I’ve come to know as a second home. And now it’s burning.

I turn to see one last member of the crew struggling to reach me. _Talitha._ She doesn’t have an oxygen mask. I stretch out my hand, indicating for her to come quickly. Talitha makes a desperate leap towards me, but as she does, there is an explosion: the fire has ripped through the bulkhead. There is nothing I can do. She’s dead – lying on the floor in a heap, her eyes open and empty.

Bile rises in my throat, and it takes every last ounce of my strength to slip inside the pod. I seal the hatch, slipping into my seat just in time. There is a burst from the thrusters as the Normandy’s panels fly open. One moment, everything is dark. The next, a blinding gold light is filling the tiny space. Pressure is pounding down against my shoulders, pinning me to my seat. It is nauseating. I close my eyes but it doesn’t help. Now I look to my left, watching the disaster unfold through the tiny glass panel in the sealed hatch.

The Normandy is drifting, falling toward the surface of a planet. The ship is fractured, disintegrating little by little. The smouldering wreck is struck again – a brilliant beam of flames shears through its heart, splitting the Normandy in half.

Suddenly, my comm crackles to life.

It takes all my effort to reach up and adjust the controls so I can receive the signal. It is faint, barely audible through all the interference.

_“Alenko! Anyone! Can you hear me!”_

“Joker!” I watch as a tiny black sphere emerges from the smoking wreck, soaring out into the darkness. “You made it! Thank God, I was so scared. Shepard – is she with you?”

I can hear Joker’s words snag in his throat, and my heart almost stops.

 _“I’m so sorry.”_ It is a faint whisper, barely audible. _“She... She got me to the escape pod...”_

The signal breaks as another beam strikes the shell of the Normandy. It disintegrates, a ball of fire erupting from the core.

  1. “Joker...”I feel numb. My head spins as I sink back against my seat _._ “No. Not Shepard...”



_“...She pushed me to safety but she couldn’t reach the pod in time...”_

“ _No_!” I clench my fists, fighting against the harness pinning me down. My implant is sending stabbing pain through my cranium. I shut my eyes against the sudden surge of anguish, the desperate urge to scream...

_“Kaidan...”_

The weak voice breaks through my shock, like a punch to my stomach.

 _Shepard...?_ I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing. “Shepard?” I ask faintly, battling tears.

The comm channel is interspersed with static, but a second later, her voice reaches me again.

_“Kaidan... Are you there...?”_

My head is reeling. _Oh hell – she’s still alive!_

My fingers tighten on the harness. “Shepard, I’m here! I can hear you!”

The channel is still active, but Shepard isn’t talking. I can hear her breathing – short, rasping breaths. In the background I can hear a horrible rushing sound, like air escaping from a broken tank.

_Air escaping...!_

_“Kaidan... My suit... It’s ruptured...”_

 “Shepard!” I scream out her name as reality hits home. The other members of the crew are staring at me in dismay, blinking back tears as they come to terms with what’s happening. “Shepard, please don’t let go! Stay with me!”

I can hear her breaths becoming more frantic.

_“I don’t think... I don’t think I can. I’m falling... Can’t... Stop it.” She sucks in a lungful of air. “Kaidan – not much time. Please. Promise me... Promise me you won’t forget me.”_

I let my helmet fall forward, resting against the metal bar in front of me. “I promise, Shepard.” Tears are running down my face. “I could never forget you.”

_“Kaidan Alenko...”_

I close my eyes, drowning in the sound of her voice, knowing this may be the last time I ever hear it.

 _“I... I love you.”_ Her last words are broken, aching, and tearful. I’ve never really heard her cry, but now the sound is tearing me apart.

“I love you, Kira,” I murmur dejectedly. “I always will.”

Her breathing is slowing. Now I hear choking... She’s struggling to stay conscious. I can’t bear the thought of her dying, but I hang on. I can’t let go. She needs me to hold her hand, even if it is from a distance.

“Kira, I’m right here,” I tell her lovingly, “I’m not going to leave you.”

_“Cold...”_

I clench my teeth, “Kira, I’m staying with you, okay?”

She’s coughing, gasping for air. _“Kaidan..._ ”

“Don’t be afraid,” I whisper. “I’m not letting go.”

I look up as another explosion buffets my escape pod. Somewhere in the distance, streaks of fire are appearing as debris begins to descend into the atmosphere of the planet.

“Kira.” I call her name gently, hoping against all odds that she can still hear me. My heart sinks as the only response is static – vacant, grinding static. Every second is killing me a little more inside. “Kira!”

_She’s gone._

I don’t know how much time has passed since the moment of that fateful realisation, but suddenly I’m aware of a sound. Screaming. Arms are steadying me, holding me upright and freeing me from my harness. I am not entirely sure where I am, but as a light flashes before my eyes and my helmet is pulled away, I discover that the screams are mine. _I’m_ screaming her name over and over again, my voice distorted in my own ears.

_Kira... Kira... No Kira... Come back. Come back to me..._

A fog of despair settles over my eyes. I sink into a world of darkness – quiet, numbing, and emotionless darkness.   


	8. Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan struggles to keep it together after the destruction of the Normandy SR1. Meanwhile, Joker and Garrus attempt to lift his spirits...

I push open the screen door, letting it fall closed behind me with a sharp bang. It must be about five in the morning. The sun won’t rise for another few hours yet, and I am taking advantage of the solitude.

The night air nips at my skin, and I shiver as I pull a second sweater down over my shoulders. I’ve never liked the cold. Shepard used to affectionately chide me for my comments whenever I remarked about the cooler temperatures:

“I would get you a blanket, Kaidan, but I think it would probably interfere with your gun.”

Kira hadn’t been bothered by the cold, but even through my armour and my barriers, it got to me. It has a way of eating through your flesh, getting into your bones and lingering there. It aches, throbbing persistently until eventually it fades away. But on a night like this, the cold isn’t about to abandon its territory. London is still a silent, ghostly place, a remnant of what it had once been. A chilled wind would feel at home. Here, even the living feel as though they’re not quite alive.

Despite the bitter air, it is freeing to escape the confines of that old apartment. Shepard’s condominium on the Citadel is still intact; at least, that’s what initial reports have indicated. But even this far into the repair schedule, I haven’t been allowed back to check on it. So until I am, I’ll get by in my mildew-infested shoebox of a room. It still doesn’t feel like home after four months.

I have so little left to call my own: a few odd items of clothing, a spare uniform or two, a couple of holo-photos and vids taken in the crew’s down-time. I managed to bring back Shepard’s hamster from the Normandy along with some other items. I know she wouldn’t have minded. Hackett and the rest of the crew had been very understanding, indulging my sentiment. Now I have Shepard’s pillow on my bed, next to mine. I never sleep on it, but occasionally when I’m having trouble with nightmares, her scent helps calm me down. It’s pathetic, I know – I’ve never mentioned it to anyone before now. Kira had kept some relics tucked away in her cabin, but the hardest souvenir to find had been her old N7 helmet. I remember stumbling across it in a box beneath her desk. I had pulled it from its packaging, holding it up with shaking hands to study its black polished metal, the red and white logo emblazoned on the side. The old thing had been damaged almost beyond recognition when the original Normandy had gone down. I felt my heart clench in my chest as I realised that she must have gone back to the wreck to find it. It’s in my apartment with all the other things, but I have decided to leave it in its box. Even though it hurts, something tells me that she would have wanted me to look after her things. And right now they’re all I have left.

Several minutes pass by, my feet treading wearily against the slick concrete. It’s raining lightly, the water forming rivulets that run down the crevices in the road. I don’t mind the water so much. When it rains, it warms the air a little. I pull my hood up over my face, tucking my hands into my pockets.

Eventually I come to a bridge: low-lying, made of old bricks and cement. It is a derelict ruin, barely sound structurally, but something about the decrepit piece of architecture sings to me. I step out onto it, making my way across to a small parapet overlooking the water. Beneath me, the river dances by, calling up to me with a gurgle of promise. _Darkness, sweet darkness._ I lean my elbows on the brick edge, watching the water swirling in a mass of shadows. Beyond me, the moon casts a ghostly blue light on the Earth, and it bounces off the peaks of the tiny waves. For a moment, I feel the attraction of the cold depths. What would it be like to just let go, let all the memories and pain disappear beneath the torrent of icy water? But a thought breaks me free from this dangerous path: No. I can’t let go yet. If I do, then who will be left to remember?

_And that is something I have to do. I have to remember. Not for me, for her. For Shepard._

I rub my eyes with my hands. “How did I get here?” I murmur to myself, my voice sounding almost alien in its hoarseness.

As I open my eyes, I look up to the horizon. My vision flickers, and for a moment, I almost think that I can see it: The beam radiating up into the heavens with its eerie blue brilliance... The Normandy sweeping down from the smoke-filled sky... Shepard looking into my eyes with dread... I feel a sharp stab of pain behind my forehead, and I turn away.

_Come on, Alenko. You’ve got to stop thinking like this._

The effects of sleep deprivation are slowly settling in, and with a deepening sense of reluctance, I force my feet back up the road toward my run-down apartment building.

The clock on the nightstand reads 06:18 when I walk in the door. I don’t even bother to turn on the light – the glow of the moon permeates the corners of the shadowy room through the open window. In the semi-darkness, I can make out Boo’s tiny cage sitting on the sideboard. The hamster has heard me walk in, and is now out of his bed, putting up his paws on the glass to welcome me. I hear a tiny ‘squeak’ directed at me. With a half-smile, I reach into the enclosure and cup my vast hands around his tiny, furred body.

“Hey, little guy,” I say gently, stroking his back as he climbs up my arm. “You missed me, huh?”

The response is a sniffling around my ear lobe. I laugh and try not to flinch as the hamster’s tiny claws dig into my shoulder.

“Oh I should have known. You just want entertainment!”

Boo immediately ceases his exploration, clambering back down my arm and onto my hand. He looks up at me, his tiny black eyes glistening in the moonlight.

“Yeah, I know,” I sigh, rubbing between his ears with one finger, “I miss her too.”

_“Squeak.”_

Setting the hamster back in his little home, I sit back on the bed and retrieve the datapad I had left lying on my pillow.

I sometimes wonder if things would be better if Shepard were here.

“They wouldn’t actually be better,” she points out, leaning on her elbow and looking up at me from her position on the bed behind me. “You’d just be pretending they were.”

“But I’d be happier,” I argue, throwing a pillow at the hallucination. “And I’d have the _real_ Shepard, not a vision.”

“Is this the part where you tell me to go away again?” Kira jibes, her brow arching. “You can still be happy, Kaidan. Stop fighting it.”

I shake my head morbidly. “I can’t be happy if you’re gone.”

Shepard rolls her eyes, “I’m not gone yet.”

I close my eyes as a sting of regret nips at my conscience. “I’ve been thinking too hard about that.”

“You can’t choose, can you?”

“How can I?” I bite out, feeling the tension building in my implant. My head begins to ache. “How can I possibly choose to let go of the woman I’ve loved for so long? I let go of you once before, and it just made me bitter. I don’t want to go back to that place, Kira. It was so dark. So empty...”

I can almost feel her arm around my chest, her head nuzzling into my neck. “That place is gone, Kaidan. You told me that, remember? You let that bitterness go once, and you can do it again.”

“I had you.” I smile ironically. “It wasn’t hard letting go of the past knowing that I wasn’t going to be alone. But it’s not the same now. I can see you so clearly, hell I can feel you. But I know you’re not here. I know I’m going to wake up when the sun rises and see that I’m by myself again.”

“Then don’t wake up alone.”

I stare at her in confusion, “What do you mean?”

Kira looks past me toward the datapad. “You know _exactly_ what I mean.” She pauses, resting her chin on my shoulder. “You have to make a choice, Kaidan. I know I can’t be here forever.”

I want to keep her, to dream of her all night and well into the day. I want to remember this moment of peace for the rest of my life. But I know that it’s impossible.

“Yes – I know,” I finally confess, the thought bringing a shudder. “I just wish you could be here again.”

“Remember what I said?” Shepard runs her finger along my stubble-covered chin. “Hope, Kaidan. Hold onto it, and I’ll find you again.” She pushes herself up, looking back at me over her shoulder as she says those same words: “Don’t forget me, Major.”

And once again, the apparition has left me behind. I sit in stunned silence for a few moments. Then a memory passes in front of my eyes...

_You’re right, Shepard. You’re not gone yet._

 

* * *

 

**\---2184---**

 

Throughout my life, I’ve had to attend several memorial services. Some were for kids who died at Brain camp, others for soldiers who ran afoul of luck on the battlefield. Jenkins had been the first, then Ashley Williams, and now twenty good men and women from the Normandy. No matter how you knew them and no matter how they died, it hurts. It never gets any easier. And it aches like hell when it’s somebody you cared about.

My brain hurts every time that horrific scene replays before my eyes. It has been a month since that fateful day. A month since the Normandy was attacked by an unknown enemy. A month since Shepard gave me the order to leave her behind. And a month since I heard her calling my name with her last breath.

I remember a few things after that, but not many. I remember being pulled from the escape pod, somebody removing my helmet, and a bright light being flashed in my eyes. The resulting migraine was nothing compared to the kick in the teeth from reality. My body had felt so weak, so racked with sobs that I could hardly move. The crew of the ship that had rescued us had sent me to their med-bay, assuming I had internal injuries. I did, just not in a way that any doctor could fix.

After we returned to the Citadel, I was given a three-month leave of absence. I was also provided with accommodation in the upper wards. It is a provisional arrangement until I recover and am deemed fit to return to duty. The new Council, despite their animosity toward Shepard in life, had sent me their condolences following her death. The message had been especially recorded for me, but even as I watched it, I couldn’t help but scoff at their attempts at pity. I vaguely recall spending that night with a bottle of whiskey. Apparently Anderson had tried to reach me throughout those weeks, but I had been so intent on shutting out the world that I didn’t even hear about the memorial service until yesterday.

So here I am: standing on the Presidium, watching through a stunned haze as people go about their day as though nothing ever went wrong. Nobody even talks about Sovereign’s attack anymore. It’s as though history has been wiped clean. But for me, nothing feels right. My mind aches. I’m afraid to close my eyes – the nightmares invade every night, and I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. I lie awake in bed, feeling cold and alone. Walking takes tremendous effort when you feel as though a knife has been twisted in your gut. With each new movement, it wrenches and tears at your insides. That’s what grief feels like – a deep wound that you can do nothing to heal. Even the light of day doesn’t bring relief. In all my life, I’ve never felt so drained. No energy, no enthusiasm...

A hand touches my shoulder.

“I’m glad to see you here, Alenko. I was hoping you would be able to make it.”

The familiar deep voice from behind me brings a faint shadow of a smile to my face, and I turn to shake his hand. “Captain Anderson – or is it Councillor now?”

“Honestly, I can’t get used to that title,” David replies, shaking his head. “And with Udina hanging around, it feels more like a curse than a blessing. I swear the man is obsessed. He can’t stand that I got the job over him.” He pauses, studying my face for a long moment.

Suddenly I am painfully aware of the dark circles beneath my eyes, the stubble I’ve let take control of my chin, and the bruises on my hands from hours spent punching out my grief in the gym. Even after a shower I’m sure I still smell like alcohol. I may be in my uniform, but truthfully, I feel as though I’ve regressed back into that angry teenager I was after Brain Camp.

Finally, Anderson addresses me, “Alenko, you can’t blame yourself for what happened.”

I look away, fighting back the tears that are threatening to escape. “I left her behind, Anderson. I left her there to die.”

“No, you followed orders.”

I shrug the comforting hand off my shoulder. “Orders!” I exclaim furiously, “It was the Council’s petty orders that got Kira killed in the first place!” I don’t want to be reassured. I don’t want counselling. I just want to be left alone in my grief, to be allowed to think on my own... “I should have just said no. I should have stayed with her, got her into that escape pod instead of leaving her there to die.”

“And what good would it have done?” Anderson shakes his head. “Look, Alenko, I know she was very special to you. And hell, I knew Shepard for years, and I have never seen her look at any man the way she looked at you. But she knew the risk she was taking when she went back for Joker. She gave you that order because you were the most important person in her life, and she wanted you to live. If you had stayed, sure, Shepard might have survived but she would be standing where you are right now, feeling bitter, angry at the world and everything in it. And most of all, she’d be in agony knowing that you didn’t listen to her. Would you have rather left her alone in this galaxy – especially knowing that you died because you ignored her orders?”

Those words make me stop, and I hang my head in shame. “No. No I wouldn’t want that.”

“And what do you think she would say to you right now if she could?”

“I don’t know.” I shake my head, covering my face with my hands. “I _don’t_ know what she would say. That’s what hurts. I mean, she would probably tell me to stop drowning my sorrows, get my ass out of that damn apartment and get on with the good stuff. You know what she was like. But it’s just...” I sigh and rub my neck. “I know I’m being selfish, Anderson. But I wish that she was still here, you know?”

“We all do, son. We all do.” He pats me on the back. “Come on. The service is about to begin. Are you up to it?”

I nod, sucking in a deep breath. “I guess I’m going to have to be.”

 

* * *

 

 

I lift my eyes from the podium to stare out across the crowd. There must be at least a hundred people crowded into the human embassy. Most of them are the Normandy’s crew. I seek out the most familiar faces: Garrus, Tali, Liara, Wrex, Doctor Chakwas and Engineer Adams are all here. Joker limps through the crowd to stand closest to me, leaning on a cane for support. I don’t think I can ever remember seeing him that miserable before. Anderson and Udina are at the very front of the room. Anderson is watching me through sympathetic eyes; however, Udina’s mask of compassion is undermined by the telling scowl lines across his forehead. I’m not surprised to see that the other council members didn’t bother turning up. The media, on the other hand, has turned out in force. At least two dozen reporters, armed with datapads and cameras, are trying to break through a line of C-Sec officers preventing them from entering the room.

For the past hour I have been listening to speeches about Shepard, her dedication to duty and her sacrifice. But now it is my turn. For the briefest moment my mind goes blank. I struggle to keep it together – not an easy feat for someone who never enjoyed being in the midst of large crowds.

“Shepard told me once that talking about my problems didn’t make me any less strong.” I swallow back my resentment, doing my utmost to keep my voice steady as I speak into the microphone. “She also said that it didn’t make me a burden, a whiner or immature – it made me human.”

I take a shaky breath, trying to organise my thoughts. “We all knew Shepard as a hero. We knew her as our Commander, our friend, and our protector.” I reach out to lean on the podium, my hands shaking as I notice all the cameras and reporters studying me from the back of the room. “But the truth is that she was so much more than that.”

 “How many of you ever knew the Commander’s real name?” I ask them, anger biting at my voice.

The response is a sea of blank faces. Anderson’s eyes fill with tears, and for a moment, he turns away. Several officers and crew look down at their boots.

“Her name was Kira – not Commander, not Ma’am or Sir – _Kira_ Shepard.” My voice breaks with pent-up emotion. “She was a daughter of Mindoir, and the sole survivor of Akuze. Sure, she was a hero. She was an icon, an image of everything we love about humanity. But she was also just that: _a human being_.

“Kira had her bad days. She never let it show, and she never took it out on the people she cared about. The Council gave her hell, and she gave back as good as she got. But she never gave up. She fought for more than just her uniform. Her crew were her family. She didn’t have any family, so she adopted the Normandy instead. She never let anyone threaten her brothers and sisters. If somebody put us in danger, she would step in without so much as a thought for herself.” I chuckle, “Actually, I hated that about her, because usually I would have to drag her out again.”

There is a low murmuring laugh from the audience.

“And she was flawed,” I continue after a moment. “Don’t ever let the recruitment posters and the vids tell you otherwise. There is no such thing as a perfect hero. But you know what? Kira’s flaws were what made her so easy to love. I knew that she wasn’t hiding behind a mask of perfection. And in the end, I know that I’ll remember her for who she was instead of what the rest of the universe wants her to be. She was the most important woman in the galaxy, but not just for what she did. To me, she’ll never be the ‘Hero of the Citadel’, or the ‘Paragon of Humanity’. Kira didn’t have to be a soldier or a hero for me to remember her. Why?” I step back, my eyes burning with unshed tears. Suddenly my facade of strength falls away as I whisper, “Because for a while there, she made me the happiest man alive.”

There is a roar and a dozen cameras zoom in towards me. I put my arm up out of reflex, my implant activating as I rush to exit the room. I feel a bizarre tingling sensation as my limbs begin to glow blue. It is a stronger biotic field than I’ve ever generated, and even I am scared by it. Suddenly the air in here is too hot, suffocating... Somewhere through the noise I can hear Anderson shouting for me, but I can’t stop. I don’t dare. Reporters are shouting questions at me, trying to break through the security detail to reach me. I push through the crowd, shoving open the doors and escaping out onto the Presidium.

I don’t stop running until I reach the door to my apartment. I slam it shut again behind me, drawing the locks and leaning against the wood until my head stops spinning. My anger rises up once more. Now that I’m alone, I can let loose without fear of hurting anyone.

I ball my fists, focusing all my energy on the small table a short distance away. I fling it up into the air. It lingers there for a few moments before crashing down on the floor. The chairs spiral up in a field of blue, colliding together. I turn my attention to a vase on the shelf, sending it hurtling across the room and into the mirror above the bathroom sink. It shatters violently, and as my fury grows, I repeat the process with the ceramic dishes on the kitchen bench. The fractured pieces scatter across the room in a display of glittering violence.

Sweat drips down my forehead as I survey what damage I’ve done. Suddenly, regret overwhelms me, and I stumble back, pressing my glowing hands against my head.

_What have I done?_

My back hits the door and I fall down against it. I pull my knees up to my chest. Rocking back and forth, I let the desperation escape in the form of a long wail. Tears roll down my cheeks, mingling with the drops of sweat on my skin. I feel so cold.

_Shepard... Shepard why did you leave me here alone?_

A faint knock sounds behind me, and I close my eyes, shutting it out.

“Kaidan?” It’s Garrus. “Kaidan, I know you’re in there. Come on, open the door.”

I bury my head in my hands.

“Ignoring your friends isn’t going to take the pain away,” The Turian persists.

“I want to be alone.” I insist gently, my voice sounding hoarse after yelling at my room.

“Kaidan, we’re here to help you.”

“You’d better listen to the man, Alenko,” Joker’s voice adds, “He’s armed with credits and a glare that could burn through doors. Nobody’s safe.”

I heave a sigh. “Did Garrus rope you into this too, eh, Joker?”

“He threatened to snap a bone, what was I supposed to do?”

I can almost see Garrus shooting a piercing glare at the pilot. “I just said it was in his best interests,” Garrus informs me with a sigh. “Now, will you please open this door? We look like idiots standing out here talking to a keyhole.”

I drag myself off the floor, steadying myself on my feet before grasping the door knob. As I step back to let the two men in, Garrus’ mandibles flicker in bewilderment.

“Spirits, Alenko, what happened in here?” He grasps my shoulder. “You’re injured.”

I am startled to realise that there is blood trickling from my nose. I swipe at it with my hand. “Oh – no it’s just my implant. I... I lost control. That’s all.”

Joker’s face is white. “Hell of a way to deal with your anger.” He hands me a tissue from his coat pocket.

I frown, crossing my arms defiantly. “Are you two trying to sound like my mother intentionally?”

“No,” Garrus cuts Joker off before he can speak. “Come on. Let’s just go and unwind for a while.”

“Where are we headed?” I ask, grabbing a navy sweater to cover up the blood on the collar of my shirt. I straighten the sleeves as we step out into the hall.

“We were thinking of Flux,” Joker says, walking toward the elevator with a slow gait. “Maybe grab a quick drink and then hit the Quasar machines.”

I pull a swift u-turn, doubling back toward my apartment door just in time to see Garrus pull it closed behind him. “No way, Kaidan. You’re not shutting yourself away in there for another fortnight.”

“You might as well resign yourself to your fate, Alenko,” Joker grins at me. “You’re stuck with us.”

* * *

 

 

 “To Shepard.”

“May she find peace at last.” Garrus raises his shot glass and clinks it against mine.

I down my drink in one gulp, closing my eyes against the bitter tide of memories. My head is swimming in a fog. Every thought is agony; every second I spend in the darkness of my mind brings her face to me again. And it hurts.

Hell, if I’m thinking this coherently, I need another drink.

I lift my head slowly, signalling for the bar tender to pour me another one.

The music in Flux is pounding out a steady rhythm. I’ve been here many times in the past few weeks, but tonight is different.

I’m not alone.

“You know, Kaidan,” Garrus’ deep, gravelly voice interrupts my inebriated trance, “You have barely said anything since we came in here. I mean, I understand that some humans take drinking very seriously. But this – _this_ is a new record.”

Joker watches me from his perch on the bar stool to my left, “Something tells me that bringing you for a drink was a bad idea. Kaidan, buddy, your friends are over here. We don’t come in bottles.”

I take a swig of my fresh drink, staring up at Joker through bleary eyes. “Be kind, okay? I’m not exactly up to cracking jokes tonight.”

“I hear that,” Joker replies with a grimace, “But seriously, you’re not the only one who’s hurting here, Alenko.”

I shake my head, a bitter laugh rising to my lips. “How could you say that?”

Joker folds his arms. “Shepard was my friend too, alright?”

“This isn’t a competition,” Garrus interrupts, putting his gloved talons on my shoulder reassuringly. “Shepard would have been heartbroken if she knew you were fighting like this.”

“You’re right,” I nod, swiping at my forehead. “It’s just...” I gulp in the stale air of the bar, locking my stare on my glass. “I can’t get used to this. This emptiness. I miss her.”

Joker turns away. “Me neither. It feels wrong.”

“Do you remember last time we came here?” Garrus adds, his eyes glinting comically. “Shepard had one too many glasses and decided to join in on karaoke?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Joker gives a low chuckle, “What was it she sang again? Some old rock song?”

“It was _I Need a Hero_ ,” I interrupt, shaking my head at the memory.

It had been the weekend before shore leave ended. Shepard had been depressed not wanting to go back to work, so Flight Boy, Garrus and I had come up with an idea to take her mind off it. It was all innocent scheming at the time. The idea had seemed harmless enough, but by the time Shepard had belted out the second verse, I was wishing I’d opted for a quiet night in instead. Not that she was a bad singer – she had pulled off the whole Bonnie Tyler thing quite well with her white dress, leather jacket and red lipstick – it was just that Shepard’s tone wasn’t so hot when she was drunk. Not to mention the dramatic exit. She had tripped on the stairs on the way down from the microphone. I caught her, and then carried her back to our room. Joker had filmed the whole thing, but I never told Shepard that.

Come to think of it, I still have that vid lying around somewhere...

“So what’s next?” Joker interrupts me again. “I would suggest dancing, but I’d rather not snap a femur tonight, if that’s okay with everyone.”

“How about a round of Quasar?” Garrus pushes himself out of his chair. “First game is on me.”

“Alright!” Joker pumps his fist in the air, then glances over at me. “Come on, Alenko, it’s not every day we get the chance to rob Vakarian blind.”

“Hey,” Garrus chides, “I said the first game. I’m not here to fund your habit, Joker.”

The pilot pulls a mock sour face, downing his drink and straightening his cap. “Habit? Who said I had a habit?”

My head is throbbing from the noise. I rub my eyes and push myself out of my chair. “If it’s all the same to you guys, I think I’ll be heading home. I’m tired.”

Garrus face turns serious, and he reaches out to stop me. “Kaidan, stop trying to be strong. We know it hurts, and we’re here to help.”

“You know what?” I snap, feeling heat rising in my face as I spin to stare the Turian in the eye. “You don’t have the answer to everything. You don’t know how I’m feeling right now, even though you’ve probably convinced yourself that you do. You didn’t _love_ her, Garrus. She was your friend, but she was my lover. She made me feel so strong, so indestructible. And without her I can’t...” I slam my fist on the bar. “I can’t let go of her just like that, okay?” I shove past him and toward the door.

_No amount of alcohol or denial can take away this pain. I can’t let go of her._


	9. Apparitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan returns to his work for the Alliance, and earns a promotion. Anderson approaches him with a top-secret assignment, and Joker sets him up on a blind date. But a shocking discovery is about to turn Kaidan's world upside down...

 “Kaidan – over here!”

I turn in the direction of the voice, instantly spotting Emily Wong in the crowd of passengers disembarking from the shuttle. The shuttle docks are swarming with people, many searching for family members returning home from the war-ravaged inland provinces. Soldiers, doctors, teachers and even politicians – they’re all standing here together, their excitement and their woes mingling in a heart-rending display of humanity.

Emily pauses as I step through the crowd to shake her hand. “How goes the war, Alenko?” She grins.

“The resistance movement has gained some small victories,” I reply with a smirk, “But there’s still a lot of work to be done.” I look down to see a small bag sitting at Emily’s feet. “Would you like some help with that?”

She shakes her head adamantly, bending down to lift it. “It’s fine, Kaidan. But thanks.”

As she stoops, I can’t help but notice that Emily’s long sleeve pulls up fractionally, revealing scarring along her right arm. She wraps her hand around the bag handle, lifting it with some difficulty. Her face contorts with pain. To my astonishment, I see more scars winding their way up her neck. I gulp back my surprise, trying to keep my face calm.

I reach out and take the bag. “Emily – your arm...”

She stares at me in shock. “What is it?”

“The scars,” I murmur, feeling my face turn red with shame. “I’m sorry, Emily. I didn’t mean to stare.”

The reporter stares at the ground for a long moment. “I forget that they’re still there sometimes.” She sighs and rolls back her sleeve. Long, red marks curl up her arm, biting into the skin. Her arms were already thin, but these scars make her seem even more fragile. “I take it you didn’t hear about what happened in L.A.”

I shake my head, feeling slightly stunned.

Emily indicates toward a bench at the side of the dock. As we sit, she smiles sadly. “I was in L.A. back when the war began, investigating the communications outage. It was the worst feeling, knowing that Earth was isolated. No way to call for help, no way to know what was happening beyond the Sol Relay. I was doing my job, checking out the facts and hoping to find some way of re-establishing a connection with the rest of the galaxy. Eventually my contacts found me a communicator that used Quantum Entanglement instead. I started broadcasting a signal, hoping somebody would respond. Anything would have done. It was better than that dreadful silence.

“I was filming a camera segment on the outage when the Reapers first hit. It was awful. For a moment, I didn’t quite realise what I was seeing. It just looked like a massive storm had appeared out of nowhere. And then...” Emily sucks in a shuddering breath. “And then I saw the Reaper. Hideous, black, vast – and headed straight for the heart of the city.

“I got in my sky van and drove to the airport – not really because I wanted to, but simply because I didn’t know where else I could go. I arrived to find soldiers setting up barricades and weaponry. They were desperate. I remember that much. They all looked grey as death, their eyes hollow and dark. It was as though they knew what was coming next. I filmed them, tried to capture their faces if I could, hoping that someday they would at least be remembered by someone if it all went to hell.

“But I didn’t know...” Emily puts a hand to her forehead. “I didn’t know I was the one to blame for it all. The Reapers were following my signal, the one I was using to try and make emergency contact with the outside. They came straight for us. I managed to escape in my sky van, watching helplessly as the airport was destroyed behind me.”

My mouth falls open slightly. “Emily, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise...”

She shakes her head, “It’s okay, Alenko. Don’t feel bad for not knowing. I didn’t mention it.”

“But how did you get injured?” I ask, almost dreading the answer.

“Well I suppose it’s only fair you know – after all you’ve told me.” Emily leans back against the bench. “My van got shot down. The engine was going offline, and the compartment was filling with smoke. Next thing I knew, half my van was blown away, and the other half was in flames. My arm was broken. I remember seeing blood, feeling numb as the world spun.” She grimaces. “And I could see the Reaper standing there, among the buildings, staring at me through that hideous red eye. I gunned the engines and made a run straight for it. It was all I could think to do. I remember the sensation of falling, and the roaring sound...” She blinks rapidly. “I thought I was going to die. And then, somehow, I woke up. It was like coming out of a nightmare. One moment I was freefalling, and the next I was being woken with a cup of warm broth and a kind word.

“Some marines had seen my van get shot down, and apparently it narrowly missed the Reaper. I crash-landed on the roof of a building instead. It seems almost ridiculous now, thinking about it. What were the chances of that happening? Anyway, the story goes that the marines pulled me from the wreck and brought me to their make-shift dugout. Eventually, that’s where I woke up. I had bad injuries – burns and a broken arm – but they patched me up best they could.”Emily smiles faintly. “Actually, that’s how I met Darren. I spent the next six months following him from trench to trench, outpost to outpost, doing what I could for the resistance movement. I alternated between filming with my battered old camera, and fighting husks with a pistol. Not exactly how I envisioned my career going down, but it was an experience. It wasn’t until the war was over that I managed to make contact with my old broadcast network and tell them that I was still alive. Apparently everyone thought I was dead.”

I can’t help but gape at her in disbelief.

She looks up at me past that fringe of jet black hair. “You want to know why I’m here, don’t you? After all of that? The simple truth is that Darren’s platoon had no communicators, no way of getting in touch with the resistance. We knew they were out there, but we couldn’t call for aid. Six months on the front lines, running from shelter to shelter; sometimes dodging bullets, other times just trying to escape the rain. After a while, you begin to realise that nobody knows you’re out there. You realise that you’re alone. That weary soldier standing next to you is the only one who will come looking for you if you don’t make it back to base on time. We were presumed dead.” She sighs and puts a hand on my shoulder. “And that’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m helping you write this book. Because, Kaidan, you’re not the only one who got left behind.”

I clench my jaw against the twisting pain in my chest. _She’s right._

In that moment, I realise how selfish I’ve been – how I have spent weeks, months, agonising to myself about how lonely I am. It isn’t right. And it certainly isn’t fair to others like Emily, who suffered just as much as I did, if not more. Hell, I got to fight on the most advanced warship in the galaxy. Emily fought with her bare hands on the muddy backstreets of L.A. I had armour and ammunition. She struggled to keep her ragged clothes dry. But it hits me: Even through all of that torment, despite our differences and our struggles, Emily and I have one thing in common. We both had a protector. We were never truly alone, because our protectors would be standing behind each of us, guarding us from safety...

Now I realise why she loves Darren so much – and why she’s sitting next to me now.

“Thank you,” I manage to tell her, despite my voice being choked with emotion. “Emily, do something for me?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t ever let me treat you like you don’t understand.”

Her eyes widen. “You never have.”

“I just... I let my grief get the better of me once, a few years ago.” I rub my eyes. “I was writing about it last night, actually. It hurt so much to go back there, to see how I injured my closest friends with my thoughtless words. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is remember that I’m not the only one in pain.”

The reporter smiles and looks into my face. “Then learn, Kaidan. Learn from the past. Let it teach you how to build a future that is full of hope. I know it isn’t easy. It never is. And believe me I understand how you’re feeling: Conflicted, empty, asking yourself that torturous question ‘ _what if_ ’...?” She hesitates, looking down at her hands. “I know you don’t want to lose her, Kaidan. If it were Darren, I couldn’t do it either.”

I pull myself upright, studying the emotional expression of the woman next to me. “I have an idea. How about a coffee? We could always just talk, you know? I’d really like to hear more about your time in L.A.”

Emily grins. “That sounds like a great idea. Then you can show me those scenes you wrote.”

“Deal,” I announce, helping her up from the bench. I pick up her bags. “Come on, I know a place that makes a mean cappuccino.”

 

* * *

 

**\---2185---**

 

The alarm blares sharply in my right ear. I force my eyes open against the grinding heaviness of my eyelids. My body feels half numb after spending a whole night sleeping on my side. With a groan, I roll onto my back, flexing my right arm as the blood rushes back through my muscles.

“Computer, dismiss alarm.”

I push myself upright, feeling my head spin as I take in my surroundings. I’m in my apartment: A two-bedroom place that I’m renting in the upper wards. My landlord is a grumpy Volus, Darla Vor It isn’t much of a home, but I’ve never really had a problem with living out of small spaces. And since it’s just me... well. I don’t have much in the way of ornaments or possessions, and I never really have to worry about entertaining.

The only person who ever comes to visit me now is Joker. After the incident at Flux last year, he was angry for a while. Can’t say I blame him. But somehow he picked himself up and came around to check on me. I didn’t offer him an apology straight away: I was caught up in the middle of an ugly love triangle between a bottle of whiskey and my self-pity. Joker stuck around though. I really don’t know why, even after all this time. Some nights I was barely responsive. Other nights I was downright offensive. But after a week, he pulled me up from that pit of melancholy and told me in no uncertain terms to get myself together.

“Alenko, pain is natural, okay? We all get it. Some of us have to live with it every day of our lives.” Joker snatched the bottle from my hands and tossed it into the garbage bin. “But there is a difference between living with pain and _dealing_ with it.”

“Joker, I’m really not up to this.” I glared at him with growing irritation. “If you don’t like what you see, then why do you keep coming back here?”

“Because I’m worried for you, okay?” The pilot rolled his eyes before sending me a peevish glare from beneath the rim of his cap. “Your leave of absence ends in a week, but you’re screwing it up by drinking away every free hour of your time. Do you really think Anderson wants to see one of his best officers wasting away with a bottle in his hand?”

I jumped with shock as Joker snagged the top of his cane around my arm, dragged me into the bathroom and forced me to look at myself in the mirror.

“This is not you, Kaidan,” He told me, the hurt clearly audible in his voice. “The Lieutenant Alenko that I met when I first stepped aboard the Normandy was _not_ depressed. He was _not_ unkempt, and he certainly _never_ let anyone see his moments of weakness. Most of all, he was certainly not crippled by self-pity.” Joker threw his hands up in the air. “Heck, I know what being a cripple is like, okay? Last thing I want to see is my friend voluntarily _turning himself_ into one.”

I stared back at the man in the glass, my gut churning. I’d known Joker was right, and I had been trying to ignore him for weeks. Even my own bloodshot eyes seemed to be disgusted at the sight of me. I had the argument in my head ready to be fired back at him in my defence: _The only person who really understood me is gone._ But even as I thought the words, I realised that even Shepard would be furious with me if she could see me. She would never have wanted me to waste away like this.

In that moment, I saw myself again. The man who Shepard loved was still in me somewhere, the one who I had been trying to ignore: the man who wanted to live again. As the darkness seeped away from the corners of my vision, I made my choice. Ten minutes later, Joker helped me to dispose of the bottles of alcohol in my cupboard. The next day I had paid a visit to the requisitions officer to purchase some fresh uniforms. A haircut and a shave later, I was already looking like my old self. Well, maybe I had some new lines around the eyes. Everything felt different – the air was cooler, and at first it hurt to breathe in. My legs protested as I resumed my training regime but nothing could dampen my satisfaction at my new-found muscle tone.

I passed my Alliance physical at the end of that month. The doctors were so impressed by my biotic abilities that they offered me an implant upgrade: An L5, to replace my defective L2. Apparently it would have taken away my headaches – though, on the downside, it could have dramatic consequences. I decided not to take the risk. I must admit, I did think about it. The prospect of being pain-free was a pleasing one. But my migraines, like my loss, are part of me now. In the end, my pain is what makes me who I am. I may have a defect, but it is _my_ defect. Nobody can take that away from me.

I can’t say it has been an easy year since then, because it certainly hasn’t. Some nights I have been tempted to slip back into old habits of grief, but getting back into my job again has been worth the struggle. I spent a few weeks on basic duties, and then found myself assigned to a frigate being shipped out to tidy up some Geth outposts in Hades Nexus. It didn’t take my squad long to clean up the mess and return to the Citadel. Not six months had gone by since I resumed my duties before the Council announced that the ‘Eden Prime War’ was over.

By the end of that same year, I had been promoted. It is the strangest thing to hear myself being called _Commander_. I’m still not quite used to it. The hardest days are when I have to attend strategy meetings with Anderson – I have to wear a formal uniform, and the sight of those three black stripes on my shoulders just reminds me all over again of the woman I’ve lost. Today is one of those days. I try not to focus on the memories, but deep down I hope that I’m doing Shepard proud. These bars were hers too. And I like to think that if she knew, she’d be happy for me.

But I guess I’ll never know the answer.

Today is going to be a long day. Not only do I have a meeting to attend, but somehow I let Joker talk me into going on a blind date. He’s setting it all up for tonight. My stomach is grinding at the very thought – honestly, what was I thinking? I haven’t even so much as looked at another woman since Shepard died. Something in me just can’t adjust to this idea. Part of me is hoping for some solace, but the thought of replacing Kira just shreds me up inside.

 _Come on, Alenko. You can’t hide from reality anymore_.

I guess this is a test on Joker’s part to see whether I really have healed or not...

As I straighten my uniform jacket, I hear my comm terminal bleeping from my living room. I briefly check my reflection in the bathroom mirror before stepping out to answer the call.

Anderson’s face appears as a holographic image. “Commander Alenko, good, I was hoping to catch you at home.”

“Morning, Councillor,” I greet him cheerfully. “I was just about to come over to the office—”

“Don’t worry about that,” Anderson dismisses the suggestion with a shake of his head. “Commander, I need to speak with you in private. I don’t think my office or the comm channel is secure. Can you meet me on the Presidium in about twenty minutes? Outside the Human Embassy?”

I frown in confusion. “Sure, Anderson. Is something wrong?”

The Councillor glances to his right. “Let’s just say I don’t want Udina to overhear us. This is highly sensitive information, Commander. And you’re the only one I can entrust it to.”

I take a deep breath. “Alright. I’ll see you in twenty.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Alenko,” Anderson addresses me, extending his hand to clasp mine warmly. “Glad you could make it.”

“It’s no trouble, Sir.” My brow furrows as I notice the wary spark in his eye. “Anderson, what’s going on? Why the secrecy?”

“Let’s walk for a bit.”

The Councillor is silent for several moments, watching keenly as we pass over a footbridge toward the Krogan monument. His eyes are scanning the crowd, searching for anything out of the ordinary. After a long moment, he stops and turns to lean on the metal railing.

“I think we’re safe now. I had to get out from under Udina’s gaze. That man... I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s not all that he appears.” Anderson rubs his forehead, and then turns toward me. “Alenko, you’ve come a long way in these past few months. You’re a leader now. And truth be told, it would be wrong of me to keep you here on menial assignments. You’re past that. You have proven that you’re capable of leading a team.”

A feeling of uncertainty rises within me at this suggestion. “With all due respect, Sir, you didn’t bring me here to discuss assigning me to a team. What is really going on?”

Anderson clenches his jaw. “You’re right. I didn’t want to talk about teams. But I do want to offer you an assignment.” He stares out across the river. “Last night, I received a report that was flagged confidential – top level security clearance only. I instructed my staff months ago that should something like it ever come up, that it should be given only to me. Udina was never to find out...”

I watch in growing horror as Anderson’s hands begin to shake. “Sir?”

“Fehl Prime.” The Councillor bows his head. “It has been wiped out.”

The blood drains from my face. “What?”

“It’s gone, Alenko. The entire colony got taken – people stolen from their homes with no warning.”

“But...” I fumble for words, “But how is that possible?”

“I’ve read the report a dozen times and I’m still not entirely sure I understand it all.” Anderson pulls a small folder from his coat pocket. “This is the eye-witness account of one of the survivors – a marine who saw it all.”

I flick open the folder, perceiving how my hands are trembling now too. I glance through the report, noting the name at the top of the page. “James Vega – I think know this guy,” I murmur, clenching my teeth. “I met him at an Alliance training seminar last year. Good man, strong marine, and tough as nails. He was the only survivor?”

“He lost most of his squad in the attack just to get us this intel.”

“Hundreds of colonists – stolen. And by Collectors no less.” I lean my back against the railing, feeling the sudden urge to be sick. “I thought Collectors weren’t aggressive toward humans? They’ve never targeted a colony before.”

Anderson folds his arms. “That’s what I thought too, but apparently the game has changed, Commander. And that’s where you come in.”

My heart speeds up a little. I close the folder, suddenly apprehensive at this new turn of events. “What do you need me to do?”

“I received another tip-off this morning,” Anderson lowers his voice cautiously. “It was anonymous. I don’t know where it came from, or even how the sender got my private comm details. But it is too strong a lead to pass up. Someone out there believes that there is going to be another Collector attack. And they believe that Horizon could be one of their next targets.”

The implications of this warning are only too clear. I swallow back the bile that is rising in my throat. “You want me to head out there.”

“The only way we have a chance is to be pre-emptive,” The Councillor sighs, his shoulders sinking a little. “But there is no guarantee that it is going to be enough.”

“Does Horizon have any defensive capabilities?”

“Some – they have AA guns set up, but they’re not online yet. They are an insular group, not trusting of the Alliance. You must be prepared to receive opposition. You’ll be trying to help them, and you’ll know why, but they may not view it that way. However, if we can prove to the colonists that the Alliance is working in their interests, they might come to trust us more. If you can somehow get those guns online...” Anderson folds his arms. “You see what I’m getting at, Alenko.”

I nod slowly, wishing I felt more enthusiastic at the prospect of being carried off by a mob of hideous insect-like monsters. “So you want me to go alone. I take it this is about winning trust, not about strength in numbers.”

“I understand that you’re not exactly thrilled about this idea, son. Believe me, I completely understand.” Anderson rubs his forehead. “There is something else you should know.”

“There’s more?”

“We have good reason to believe that the Collector’s aren’t working alone.”

My heart plummets into my shoes, leaving a cold, vacant gap in my chest. “How do you know this?”

“Vega indicated that just prior to the attack on Fehl Prime, his commanding officer noted the presence of local radio chatter – it carried a Cerberus encryption code.”

“Cerberus!” I can’t mask the wrath in my tone – suddenly the pieces are falling into place. Why am I not surprised? “Anderson, Shepard and I spent weeks tracking down that group and dealing with their destructive experiments. Not only have they messed with the Rachni, they experimented with _mind control_ on their own people, Anderson. Mind control!”

“Think about it, Alenko. It’s much worse than that.”

I pause, trying to consider all the options. “Wait. They’re a pro-human group. Why would they be working with the Collectors to target human colonies? What do they have to gain?”

“Exactly.” Anderson puts his hand on my shoulders. “That’s why I need your help, Alenko. You may be the only man who can get us the answers we need. You’ve dealt with Cerberus before. You’ve dealt with the Rachni, and the Reapers. If there is anyone who can manage this assignment with discretion, it’s you.”

A shudder racks through me, and I find myself staring at the folder in my hands with a growing sense of foreboding. “Sir, I understand that this is an urgent mission, but... But can I have twenty-four hours to think about it?”

Anderson nods sympathetically. “Of course, Commander. I’ll be expecting your call.”

As the Councillor walks away, I survey my surroundings nervously. My eyes wander back toward the embassy, and for the briefest of moments, I catch a glimpse of a man standing at one of the balconies. Even from here I can make out Udina’s prying eyes. Turning my back to him, I slip the folder inside my jacket, feeling the full weight of it pulling down on my shoulders. I can’t help but feel that a storm is coming. I can feel the cold threat of danger nipping at the back of my neck. Even in the midst of blissfully ignorant civilians, I can’t shake the dreadful sensation that Cerberus is behind it all: And that they’re only just getting started.

 

* * *

 

 

I glance down at my wrist watch. It’s almost eight o’clock – she’ll be here any minute.

The small Italian restaurant is one of the most popular hotspots on the Citadel, but even the prospect of a delicious dinner can’t soothe my nerves. Right now, I’m fighting every ounce of my being to stay in my chair instead of racing back to my apartment and bolting the door. I’ve spent the entire day shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, pacing around my apartment. I haven’t been able to shake the tension. That folder is at home, resting on the kitchen counter and taunting me to open it. By the time seven o’clock rolled around, I was practically ready to run out the door.

I can’t deny that the prospect of a new mission is tempting, but it is a big responsibility. I’m not sure if I want it yet. I don’t know if I want _any_ of this yet! Even now as I’m sitting at this table, my heart is pounding in my ears relentlessly. What am I doing here? Why did I even let Joker talk me into this in the first place? This woman could be completely crazy – she probably is only in it for a trophy ‘man in uniform’.

 _Stop it,_ I slap myself mentally and stare at my wine glass so intently that I’m surprised it doesn’t shatter. _Stop setting yourself up for a fall. This could be the best decision you’ve made in months._

I take a shuddering breath.

_Or it could be the worst._

“Commander Alenko?”

A sweet voice with a distinctly French accent makes me snap out of my reverie. I look up into a kind face – porcelain skin, deep red hair, and gentle green eyes. Recognition dawns, and I can’t help but stare in disbelief.

“Doctor Michel?”

“Oh, please,” The Doctor smiles awkwardly, “Call me Chloe.”

Suddenly embarrassed at my previous thoughts, I leap out of my chair and move to hold out hers. “It’s great to see you,” I tell her as I sit opposite her. “It’s been such a long time...”

“Two years,” Chloe smiles, folding her hands in her lap. She shapes her words with delightfully round tones. “I never really got the chance to thank you for saving me from Fist’s thugs – you have my gratitude.”

My hands start sweating at the thought of the old days... “Let’s not talk about the past,” I stammer, indicating for the waiter to bring the wine. “Let’s just have a good time tonight, shall we?”

“Indeed,” Chloe acknowledges, her cheeks flushing a subtle shade of red. “I must admit, when Jeff told me he wanted to – what was it he said? – ‘Set me up’ with a date, I didn’t realise it would be you.”

I am a little stunned at this admission, but quickly cover my unease with a facade of composure. “It’s good to see you, Chloe. Uh, can I call you that?”

“Of course,” Chloe’s lips curve into a placid smile. “If I may call you Kaidan.”

I nod as the waiter hands me a bottle of red wine. “I ordered ahead, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, it is fine,” Michel sits back and observes as I pour her a glass. “You seem different somehow, Kaidan. When we met I thought you were perhaps a much younger man? Now you seem to have – what is the word – matured? It suits you.”

The feeling of unease doubles as she pronounces my name with those velvety smooth tones of hers. It feels a bit like a hand has reached right through my ribs and is beginning to squeeze my lungs. The room spins slightly. “Uh... Thank you. I think.”

Chloe’s emerald irises waver with dismay. “Oh, goodness, no, I didn’t mean... Oh dear. I think perhaps my words conveyed a different meaning to my thoughts.”

“It is fine – really,” I rush to reassure her, “I’m just... It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, and I’m just a little out of practice. It’s nothing you said.”

Michel smiles reservedly, her eyes cast down at the napkin folded on her knee. “I understand. I heard about what happened to the Normandy... I’m so very sorry, Kaidan.”

The fingers of anxiety tighten inside my chest – there is a sharp pain, like talons digging into my flesh. I reach for my drink, trying not to let my discomfort show. “Why don’t you tell me about your clinic?” I change the subject – not very subtly – and pretend that I don’t notice the sudden arching of Chloe’s eyebrows. “I heard you were starting a community initiative to help the Quarian Pilgrims...?”

But Chloe’s attention is no longer on me. She’s staring past me, her eyes widening and her lips pinched. She glances back at me momentarily, tension written across her features. Suddenly I become aware of a loud, human voice behind me. My heart almost stops as the speaker grows more confident, his words rising above the noise of the restaurant.

“But think about it. It all makes sense when you look at the evidence.”

 “Are you sure about this...?” A Turian voice pipes up nervously. “I mean, there is so little evidence, and it’s not exactly the most likely of explanations, is it?”

“Oh it’s quite simple when you think about it. She would have had contacts. She could have arranged the whole incident to fake her own death. And two years is a long time – plenty of opportunity for making deals. She might have millions of dollars of resources and even mercenary allies at her disposal.”

 “But... I just... I don’t know, Atton. It’s an interesting theory, but do you really think it’s _true_?”

“What, that Shepard could have defected to Cerberus? Of course I think it’s true! Look at the facts, Rulan. Her ship was never recovered, and neither was her body. There is no definitive proof that she ever really died in the first place.”

At this point my breath catches in my throat. Chloe’s hand comes to rest on my arm, and in that moment I realise that it is shaking – violently.

“Kaidan,” She whispers, bending down to look into my face. “Kaidan, don’t listen to them.”

“She had it planned all along,” Atton continues unabated, “A set-up to seal her hero title, a martyr for her cause. Now she ‘returns from the grave’ and everyone forgives her treason because she is a ‘hero’ – more than that, a resurrected hero! It’s ingenious. Shepard is possibly the greatest criminal mastermind in the history of mankind.”

I close my eyes, fighting to stay in control.

“Kaidan.” Chloe tugs on my arm. “Come on, let’s go somewhere else.”

My head is pounding. I clench my fists, muttering to myself, “She is gone. How can he say these things? She’s gone!”

“But why would she ally herself with Cerberus?” Rulan persists. “It doesn’t make any sense!”

“Perhaps she was working with them all along. She did give the order to let the Council die on the Destiny Ascension—”

I can’t take it anymore. I launch to my feet, and stride across to the table behind me. Atton, a man of about forty with thinning hair, is holding a large glass of wine and bent over a bowl of pasta. He has his back to me as I approach. Rulan, his panicky Turian friend, stares up at me in alarm. His green eyes spark in fear, and he slumps down in his chair. “A-Atton...”

“What is it?” The man turns and catches sight of me. “Oh, waiter, can I get a refill please?” He motions toward his glass. “Thank you. Now, where was I, Rulan?”

The Turian opens his mouth and closes it again. The only sound that emerges sounds vaguely like the squeak of a trapped rat.

I loom over Atton, folding my arms in an effort to keep from punching him in the jaw. “Do I look like the hired help?” I bite out, my voice sounding remarkably calm. My insides are waging a war against my conscience, demanding pain as reparation.  But I’m not the kind to start fights. I only want to set the record straight.

“Uh...” Atton looks me up and down, his face darkening nervously. “Sorry, can I do something for you, pal? Or are you just standing here for fun?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to stand here because I like to observe spineless sewer-rats. It’s my field of study: I am writing a paper on the psychology of cowards, particularly ones who build up their own self esteem by mocking those who can’t fight back.” I lean into his face, almost smiling at the terror building up behind those glassy eyes. “You’d make a perfect candidate. So, this is me, inviting you to participate.”

Atton pushes his chair back, tilting his head to one side. “Interesting. I have to say, I like your style – wait.” He pauses, studying me for several seconds. “I’ve seen you before.”

“I dare say you have,” I mutter with frustration. “You know, just have a good long think about what you were saying a minute ago. It’ll come back to you.”

Almost at that exact moment, a light dawns behind Atton’s eyes. His mouth falls open, gawking up at me in new-found terror. “You... You were on the Normandy.”

“That’s right,” I nod. “Does anything else spring to mind?”

Atton’s cheeks have turned a deathly shade of grey. “I... I didn’t know...”

I bend down, grasping his collar. “No, you didn’t know. You don’t know anything about her, and you never will. Now, I suggest you listen up, _pal_ , because I’m only going to say this once. Commander Shepard is gone. She has been for almost two years. And in that time, nobody has ever tried to tell me that she was a traitor because they know better. I will never let anyone talk about her that way.” I release his collar, and step back. “I don’t know whether to blame your irresponsibility or your ignorance. But either way, a man like you should know better than to tell lies about the dead.” I hiss at him through clenched teeth: “Let the dead sleep in peace.”

As I turn around, I catch sight of Doctor Michel. She’s still in her chair, her lips pinched in dismay. Behind her, two waiters are watching my movements keenly. I imagine that they are ready to call security. I may be angry, but I’m not stupid. I walk back to my table, and reach into my pocket to pull out my credit chit.

“Here,” I pay the waiters. “Settle my bill.”

One nods and darts away as I turn my attention toward Chloe. We walk out toward the Presidium in silence. Finally, as we approach a sky car stand, I gather up enough courage to apologise. “I’m so sorry,” I murmur, not daring to meet her gaze. “I just... I can’t do this.”

“I understand,” She concedes, a single tear running down her cheek. “I wish things had been different. I know how painful this must be for you–”

“Please, Chloe, it’s okay. Really. I’m fine, I’m just sorry that this hurt you.”

“No, Kaidan, don’t.” She puts her hand on my cheek and looks intently into my eyes. “That was not fair of that man, to insult the woman you love. And you are a good man: even after two years of pain, you are still eager to defend her. You are truly a hero – and that is a rare thing to find in this galaxy. But now I must tell you something hard, something you may not want to hear: You are not _ready_.” Chloe flags down a taxi, and as it approaches, she explains, “We have all lost people we love, Kaidan. To mourn them is natural. To _love_ them still is natural. No matter how hard we try, no matter how many crowds we search, hearts we weigh up, comparisons we make...” She looks beyond me, blinking away the tears in her eyes, “In the end, we realise that nothing can bring them back. And nobody could ever replace them. A part of our hearts will always belong to them. But instead of trying to fill that same space, we must learn to open our hearts, to let them expand enough to let somebody new in.” Doctor Michel smiles at me. “The human heart is a most remarkable thing. It never stops beating, and it is always prepared to expand. And when you realise that, my friend, _then_ you’ll be ready.”

I can’t help but stare at this woman with new-found admiration. “You’ve had experience?”

She takes a shaky breath, looking down at the ground. “Let me just say that I – how do I say it – I have been in your shoes.” The taxi comes to a halt beside her, and she steps into the vehicle. “You have a big decision to make – I see it in your eyes. Do not be afraid to step into the unknown, my friend. You never know where it will take you.” She sits, and pulls her coat closer about her shoulders. “Take care, Kaidan Alenko.”

“You too,” I tell her warmly, sliding the door shut. I stand there for several moments, watching until the sky car has disappeared from sight.

I decide to go for a brief walk. Passing the closed shops, I begin to contemplate Anderson’s offer. This time, I’m not anxious for myself. Rather, I am beginning to realise that I really am the only one who can take this mission. I knew Shepard, and I loved her more than anyone else alive. What would she say if she could hear me now? It’s strange, but I almost always find myself asking this question. I look at my reflection in a pane of glass, and the full impact of Chloe’s words hits home.

 _You are truly a hero_.

I have never seen myself as a hero, but it occurs to me now: I carry memories of Shepard. I carry experience, and I carry love for her still, even after two years alone. But maybe, just maybe, I’m carrying this pain for more than one reason.

It was in that moment that I make my choice: I will go to Horizon.

Later as I get home, I open up my comm terminal to send a message through to Anderson. But as I check my mail, I find a message I wasn’t expecting. It is from Garrus – he hasn’t used his full name, but I recognise the address. I open up the message, and am not surprised to find that it is terse and brief:

_Alenko: I heard about Fehl Prime. No doubt you’ve heard the rumours. Came across this tonight and sent it your way because I thought it might interest you. Be careful out there. –G.V._

I blink a few times, reading and re-reading the words in confusion.

_Garrus, what are you talking about?_

I scroll down to find an extranet link. It’s encrypted, but Garrus knows me well. I can crack the code. In a few seconds, my screen flickers to life and I find myself staring at grainy security camera footage. It’s dark, and it’s a small image, but as I watch, I can make out movement in the shadows. Two mercenaries – Blue Suns – are standing in a faint circle of light. Suddenly, they draw their guns, firing at something or someone beyond my sight. A moment later, they collapse to the ground. I can’t help but feel that Garrus wouldn’t have sent this my way unless it was crucially important, but right now I don’t see how watching a gang shooting on Omega somewhere is going to help my cause.

That is, until the footage skips to the next frame.

Three people step out of the shadows – a dark-haired woman in a skin-tight white suit, an older man with tattoos and mercenary gear, and a slender woman in shiny black armour. I blink several times, my eyes never leaving the third figure. Her back is to me, but I can clearly see auburn hair cut in a distinctive shoulder-length bob. As she turns to look up at the camera, I can make out a red and white stripe down her right arm. I stare in horror at the grainy image.

“No... No, that’s impossible!”

Even after two years, I would know that face anywhere. I’ve been looking for her every day, always knowing that I would never find her again. But here she is, staring back at me through the lens of a camera.

She’s impossible. But she seems so real, so alive...

Kira Shepard is alive.


	10. Allegiances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finds himself caught up in the shocking attack on Horizon. But the nightmares don't end there - his love has returned to him, or so it would seem. Is Kira Shepard still the woman he knew? Or has she thrown away her allegiances once and for all?

 “Wait.” Emily crosses her arms and leans back into the deep leather couch, her dark eyes narrowing. “Kaidan, you had no idea that she was alive?”

I gawk back at her in surprise. “Of course not! I would never have even contemplated the idea if Garrus hadn’t sent me that security footage.” Taking my cue from Emily’s incredulous stare, I add, “Shepard died on the Normandy. I was there. All the rumours – and there had been a few – I’d just written them off. I mean, it sounded crazy. And after the years I’d just spent dealing with the grief of losing her, I couldn’t bear the thought of people inventing wild stories about Kira. She just didn’t deserve that kind of disrespect. I saw it as some spiteful individuals trying to tear down the reputation of the woman I had loved, and I just couldn’t bring myself to believe what they were saying.”

“Until you saw her dealing with those mercs on Omega.”

“You got it,” I nod, gratefully accepting a mug of hot coffee from the waiter.

The small cafe is full of people – most of whom are either soldiers or volunteers for the clean-up effort. Several Asari are sitting around a table nearby, all dressed in nurses’ uniforms. They look tired, as though they’ve just quit the early morning shift at one of the makeshift hospitals. Tent hospitals sprung up all over London in the aftermath of the war. Many closed down in the following months, but most of the volunteers have transferred into recently converted warehouses to continue their work. A few of the original city hospitals are still operational, but only long-term patients are sent there for intensive care. I should know. I’ve been a guest of those corridors many a time in the past few months. My gut twists, and I force myself to look back up at my reporter friend.

“It was the weirdest thing,” I resume the conversation, “I had never doubted myself more than I did at that moment, when Shepard stepped onto my terminal screen. I really thought my eyes were tricking me.”

 “I remember when I heard Shepard was alive,” Emily remarks, stirring her coffee. “I couldn’t believe it either. I thought it was a prank, you know, the competition feeding a dud story into the network so I would look like an idiot or something.” She rolls her eyes. “I am kind of confused though. I mean, it looked like it must have been a cover-up, or some kind elaborate under-cover assignment. I just assumed you knew about the scheme.”

I shake my head. “If I had known Shepard was alive and on some kind of Alliance mission, I would have joined her. But I just had the awful feeling that wasn’t the case. I kept the security vid to myself for weeks because I just didn’t believe it. I figured that I was dealing with an imposter – or worse, a clone. I scoured the files for days searching for another image of her, but I couldn’t find any. It wasn’t like I could go to Anderson with a piece of blurry footage. He’d have thought I was insane.”

Emily sighs and spoons some sugar into her cup. “So you decided to go to Horizon?”

“Yes.” I glance down at my hands, old feelings of regret flooding back into my mind. “I went there figuring that working would put the thought of Shepard out of my mind. But...” I stifle a groan. “If there was one thing I could erase from my memory, that experience would be it.”

“What happened?”

I shudder. “Do you remember hearing about Freedom’s Progress?”

Emily nods hurriedly, her dark hair bouncing. “Yes, one of my colleagues got the scoop. Collectors invaded and just stole the whole colony – they were never found.”

“Well, Anderson had received an anonymous tip-off that Horizon was next on their list.” I stare into the depths of my mug. “And he was right. I was there when they came.”

 

* * *

 

**\---2185---**

 

“You must be Commander Alenko.”

I sling my duffel bag over my shoulder, stepping down from the shuttle. The soft rustle of grass beneath my boots is a refreshing sound. The air is heady with the rich scent of pollen, and the bright daylight blinds me momentarily. I blink, realising that a woman is standing in front of me, her arms folded over her chest.

“Yes, that’s me.” I struggle to focus on her face. “Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko – I’ve been sent to upgrade your colony’s defences.”

The woman’s brow arches fractionally, her lips pursing in annoyance. “So I’ve been told. But I’m not buying it. Horizon doesn’t need your help – we could have done it on our own. Why don’t you tell me why you’re really here?”

Anderson had warned me that there would be opposition. But as I am rapidly beginning to realise, ‘opposition’ might have been an understatement. ‘Hostility’ and ‘resentment’ might have been more appropriate descriptors. A small crowd of about thirty colonists are gathering around the Alliance shuttle. Almost every face is bearing a scowl – clearly, my presence isn’t welcome.

“As I said,” I reply with a smile, “I’m here to repair your defence system. You _did_ send out a message a fortnight ago requesting assistance, didn’t you?”

“Not to the Alliance I didn’t,” The woman bites back angrily. “I was hoping for a more... _Neutral_ party, if you catch my meaning. People around here are hardly thrilled at the idea of an Alliance soldier hanging about – and with good reason.”

“I understand that there has been trouble in the past, but – ”

“Save it,” She interrupts, shaking her head. “None of us are interested in your political spiel, _Commander_. You’re here to do a job; so you might as well get on with it. I’ve got work of my own to do, and we’ll have no trouble with you so long as you stick to your duties and don’t get in our way.” She glowers at me from under furrowed brows. “Do we have an understanding?”

My mouth has gone dry, but I force a smile and extend my hand as an offer of friendship. “I believe we do, Miss...”

“Just call me Lilith.” She ignores my open hand, instead turning and stomping away.

I am left standing there on the turf, desperately scrambling to gather my wits about me. After a moment or two of stunned confusion, I decide to follow. The weight of my bag pulls against my shoulders as I sprint to catch up with Lilith. “Hang on a second, will you? I’m not here to hurt anyone, okay? I just want a few questions answered.”

Lilith pauses in the doorway of one of the habitat pods and spins about on her heel. “Alright, you’ve got one minute.”

_Well, that’s a start._

“First of all, why the opposition?” I step towards her. “I’m not threatening anyone. I’m not even armed. I’ve come here to help.”

“The Alliance’s definition of _help_ has cost more lives than it has saved,” Lilith retorts. “It’s going to take more than good intentions to make us trust you, Commander Alenko. No offence.”

I sigh and shake my head. “Look, I understand you’re unhappy that I’m here. Believe me; I don’t want to cause any more trouble for your colony. I came here because I have reason to believe that Horizon is at risk – and I may be able to help.”

“ _Risk_? What risk?”

“I don’t know how much you’ve heard about the recent Collector Attacks...”

Lilith’s face pales at this. “Unfortunately, I’ve heard a great deal. Are you suggesting—”

“I’m not suggesting anything,” I answer calmly, “Only that your defences should be our first priority. It is in both of our interests to cooperate. Please, all I ask is that you’ll give me your cooperation. In return, I’ll keep my distance from the colonists and any area you deem off-limits. Does that sound reasonable?”

“If you’ll promise not to keep tabs on what you see or hear, then I’ll let it slide,” Lilith concedes, backing away from me nervously. “Now, is there anything else you need?”

“Yes, actually. I believe I need directions to my lodgings, and to your AA towers.”

I can tell that Lilith’s opposition is slowly ebbing away, but I’m not on secure ground just yet. Finally, she gives in. “Your rooms are set up and the crew at the AA-Towers are expecting you. Just don’t upset the colonists, okay? I won’t be responsible for their actions if they catch you watching over their shoulders too closely.”

_Well. At least I know where I stand._

Lilith gives me a key-card and sends me across the compound to a small compartment overlooking the valley. The door slides open with a bleep of acknowledgement, revealing a sparsely furnished living room. An unpolished linoleum floor creaks in protest beneath my feet as I step inside to survey my surroundings. A stove and a kettle are part of a tiny kitchen arrangement in the far corner. I walk past a faded leather lounge to find a narrow hall. This in turn leads to a bedroom, a study and a bathroom. Each room is painted dull beige grey, though a large window facing the valley provides a satisfying view for my otherwise uninteresting living space. I push open the door to my bedroom, and do my best to stifle a moan at the rickety, sunken cot resting in the corner of the room.

“Good thing I’m not planning on entertaining anytime soon,” I mutter to myself as I dump the contents of my duffel bag on the musty bedspread.

 

* * *

 

**\---Two Weeks Later---**

 

“Kaidan!”

I am walking back toward my accommodation when I hear my name being called. I bite back a sigh, rubbing my forehead as Lilith comes rushing toward me.

“Oh good – I was hoping to catch you before you turned in,” She exclaims, pausing for a moment to catch her breath. “I just spoke to Dulan. He says you’ve been having trouble with the computer system?”

I straighten my shoulders against the force of tiredness weighing down upon them. “It’s eluding me, Lilith. It’s a computer – it should be simple. But for some reason the mainframe just isn’t responding to external command input.”

We’re walking through the colony’s main compound. If I turn to my right, I can look straight out across the valley, past the trees and toward the rolling hills. On my left are homes. People are standing out in the sunlight, sharing pleasant chatter among themselves. But as I pass, they pull away, their eyes narrowing at me suspiciously.

_You’d think they’d try to be polite after two weeks. I haven’t done anything to them._

“Can it be fixed?” Lilith prompts me, biting her lip nervously.

“I’m sure it can,” I reassure her despite my own doubts, “But it will probably take more time than I first thought.”

“You’re doing your best, Kaidan.” Lilith looks up at me with a surprisingly soft look on her face. I swear I can catch a sympathetic flicker in her eyes – it is a refreshing change compared to the derision I generally receive from the other colonists.

Lilith studies my face as we walk. I bow my head for a moment, afraid she’ll see the insecurity in my eyes. “I’m sure you’ll have them online in no time. It wasn’t your fault that they malfunctioned.”

I glance sideways at two men cowering in a doorway, a cynical smile tugging at my mouth. “Yeah. Okay. Surprised people haven’t tried to blame that one on me, too.”

“You have to understand – trust runs a little thin out here, especially toward the Alliance.” Lilith gestures toward the men, shaking her head blithely. “It’s nothing personal.”

I shrug and try to relax. Maybe I _have_ been interpreting everything to mean the worst. “I hope you’re right.”

Lilith reaches out to touch my arm encouragingly, and for the briefest moment, I glimpse hope in her eyes. But just as suddenly as the light appears, it is overcome by a surge of dark fear. Her face pales, and she stares up into the sky behind me.

“Kaidan... What is that?”

I spin about. My breath catches in my throat as I see a mass of black clouds spreading across the sky. Bolts of white lightning and flashes of red flames intermingle with the choking gas, overwhelming the sunlight in a ball of horrific darkness. Now an enormous object breaks through the clouds, looming over the planet’s surface and casting a shadow across the colony. Through the storm emerges a swarm of tiny black creatures, spiralling down from the sky and straight toward us.

A chill rushes through me, and immediately my hand reaches for my gun. I point the barrel skyward, my combat reflexes kicking into action.

“Go!” I yell at Lilith, my voice rising with a sense of urgency. “Get everyone inside! Quickly!”

Lilith hesitates. “What about you?”

“I’ll hold them off!” I shout, firing a few rounds as the swarm approaches. “ _Go!_ ”

She turns and begins to run. Screams fill the air – people are desperately scrambling to find cover, but many don’t even make it into their homes. People come flooding past me as I hold my ground, my gun the only thing between me and danger. I stare down the line of sight never once taking my eyes off the approaching threat.

It is exhilarating and terrifying. Had I been younger and less experienced, I probably would be running with the Colonists. But in the back of my mind, I see Shepard standing her ground in front of Saren. I remember her pushing me out of the way when Sovereign’s debris threatened to crush us. Perhaps it is that memory which is keeping my feet grounded, even as I stare directly into the eyes of my doom. I’ve just thrown myself headlong into danger.

_I really hope this isn’t a bad call._

The swarm is getting so close now that I can hear them – a deep, droning roar fills the air. I squeeze the trigger, but for all the power behind the bullets, not a single creature falls to the ground. By the time I realise this, it’s far too late to even think about my own escape. They’re so close that I can feel the cool air on my face as they beat their tiny wings.

In a split second, they engulf me. I let out a yell as one stings the back of my neck, the sting biting into my skin with a burning sensation. I reach back and tear the revolting parasite off me only to realise that the barb must have contained some kind of immobilising agent. My strength fades, replaced by an overwhelming sensation of helplessness. The blood in my limbs turns cold. I try to turn and see what is happening but my head won’t move. My hands are frozen. I can still see. I can still hear, and hell, I can feel every crawling sensation as the horrid little creatures flitter all over my body. But I can’t move.

Panic rises up in my chest – I’m completely vulnerable.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Kaidan.”_

I hear her voice, and in my mind I reach out for her.

_Kira, is that you? Please – Shepard, help me._

A hand brushes against my cheek – at least, I think it’s a hand. I can barely think. My head is spinning with exhaustion. Both of my legs lost feeling hours ago, but despite this, my skin is still creeping. As I begin to stir, I feel a warm breeze on my cheek.

Is it warm? Or am I dreaming?

I force my eyes to focus, dragging myself out of my stupor. Dark shadows play at the edges of my vision. It took every ounce of my strength to fight to stay alert, but then they came... Those monsters... In the back of my mind, I remember the photographs in Anderson’s secret file – the one he’d shown me on the Citadel. Awareness slams into me like a wave as I realise: Collectors. The monsters that had been strolling casually around the compound, dragging away frozen colonists, were _Collectors._

I remember now. I remember everything.

I had been stung, frozen. As I hung there, suspended mid-air, I was utterly powerless to defend myself. I remember one Collector – a tall, menacing one with glowing gold eyes – had strolled right up to me, leaning over to look in my eyes. I had been terrified as it surveyed me with those fiery orbs.

“Take this one last,” It had ordered its henchmen, circling me with hungry eyes. “He must feel this – he must see our plan come to completion.”

I had wanted to shoot it right between the eyes. I could have taken the shot so easily. It had been so close that I could feel its breath on my face. And then, it had just turned and walked away, its attention drawn to the other colonists. Many had been carried past me, their bodies lying helpless inside hideous, coffin-shaped pods. And then the fatigue had caught up with me. After a night shift of maintenance, I had barely enough strength to remain focused. I had let my consciousness slip away...

 _“Kaidan._ ” That sweet familiar voice lingering in the back of my mind pushes me forward, out of the darkness once and for all. “ _Kaidan. Wake up!”_

I let out a rush of air as the invisible cage surrounding me relinquishes its grip.

With a breathless cry, I sink to my knees, my gun falling useless on the ground before me. My whole body is shaking. Another rush of hot air rushes over me. I force myself to look up. The immense ship that had descended through the atmosphere earlier is leaving. Its vast core emits a wave of heat as it struggles to push itself away from the planet’s surface. With all of my might, I scramble to my feet. I rush forward with a shout, emptying the remainder of my thermal clip into the air in a vain attempt to hit it. Even though part of me knows I couldn’t have won, anger boils up within my chest. How many colonists did they take? Did any survive at all? And why not me – why didn’t they take me?

Stumbling forward, I grasp a nearby railing, my chest heaving as I gulp in air desperately.

How could a simple mission have gone so horribly wrong?

After a moment, sounds drift to me on the breeze. I tense up, gripping my pistol with shaking hands. Voices floats toward me, the conversation jumbled and strained. I can barely understand but the urgent tone in their words tells me that I need to find them.

_Survivors? Rescuers?_

I shake my head, fighting the pain that’s rising up behind my eyes. I’m struggling to come back to grips with my surroundings. Which way...?

I just decide to follow the sound for now. I force my feet forward, and to my surprise, I discover that with each step, the effort required becomes gradually less and less. As I pass buildings, I notice that there are a small number of survivors – a few are helping others to stand, applying medi-gel to minor injuries. Others are sitting, dazed.

I don’t blame them.

After a moment, I realise that the voices are coming from the direction of the AA Towers – more specifically, the computer terminal that controls their operations. It dawns on me then that the towers seem to be moving, firing up through the atmosphere at the retreating ship.

_How on earth...?_

I hesitate momentarily, calculating my options.

 _Somebody reactivated the guns..._ I don’t know of many other people who could have achieved that, especially when the external activation protocol hadn’t been working earlier. It must have taken a very powerful computer interface to get the system back online.

The voices are much clearer now. I walk through the open doors, pausing behind some crates as the conversation begins to make sense. My blood runs cold when I hear a familiar voice – strong, but kind; feminine, but imposing.

 “There’s nothing we can do. They’re gone.”

_No... No it can’t be._

“Half the colony’s in there!” I immediately recognise Delan’s voice – he is one of the mechanics I’ve been working with for the past few weeks. He seems to have been awake a little longer than I. He’s arguing frantically, “They took Egan and Sam... and Lilith! Do something!”

“I didn’t want it to end this way. I did what I could.”

I close my eyes, relishing in the sound of that beautiful voice – a voice I never thought I would hear again in this life.

“There was nothing more we could have done, Shepard.”

My eyes fly open. Am I still dreaming?  But I could swear I just heard Garrus.

“Shepard...” Delan murmurs, “Wait. I know that name.” There is a long pause. My heart is pounding so loudly that the conversation seems to fade in comparison. “Sure, I remember you. You’re some type of bit Alliance hero.”

Before I can think, I step out of my hiding place.

“Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.” Even I’m amazed at the steadiness of my voice as I step into the compound. My eyes immediately find her face, and all those emotions I’d stifled... Those memories, those desires... They all come rushing back to claim their place in my mind and soul.

She’s so beautiful.

Kira. My Kira. She is standing here, right in front of me.

If this is a dream, it’s a damn real one.

Those almond-shaped brown eyes, sparkling up at me from beneath black lashes... Her straight, thin nose, and those soft, red lips... Her auburn hair still combed neatly into a long bob, swept behind her ears... She looks almost exactly the same. Two years. Two years have gone by and she’s barely aged at all. I’m struggling to restrain myself. Tumultuous emotions rise up inside me, dragging me back from the brink of sanity into the depths of utter desolation.

Finally I find my voice, “You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost.”

I’m vaguely aware of the mechanic cursing at me, storming away with some off the cuff remark about ‘Alliance types’. But I simply can’t tear my eyes away from Shepard.

“I thought you were dead, Shepard.” I whisper, disbelief still clouding my eyes. I step closer, my heart thundering louder and louder with each move. “We all did.”

Kira doesn’t say a word as I reach out, my hand brushing her cheek. It is warm. It is real.

 _She_ is real!

“Kira...” I breathe.

Her arms wrap around my waist, and I pull her into a tight embrace. She feels so small, so much slighter than I remembered. In my mind she’d always seemed stronger. But even now, despite the armour we’re both wearing, I can feel the heat radiating from her. She’s alive. She’s here. With me. The raging storm in my head only intensifies as she nuzzles into my neck – just the way she always used to. I can smell her hair, feel her breath on my neck. It is strange, eerie, like I’ve woken in the world of dreams, stepping out amidst the fantasies. More than that: I’m reaching beyond the veil of reality to touch the one woman that I’ve dreamed about for so long. This can’t be reality. It simply can’t be.

“Kaidan.” She breathes my name in my ear, so that only I can hear. Her voice is doing strange things to me, and, desperate to retain my self-control, I pull away.

I study her face, still touching her cheek tenderly. Only now do my fingers find strange furrows in her skin. Scars – several of them – cut jagged lines across her cheek and up the side of her forehead in a twisted, glowing pattern. I’m startled, and it must be showing in my eyes because Kira steps back fractionally.

“It’s been too long, Kaidan,” She tells me, her lips moving gracefully as they forms the words, “How’ve you been?”

Her face seems so complacent – so innocent – and yet, her words travel straight to my heart, biting into me swiftly and mercilessly. How could she say something like that? After all this time?

_This can’t be right!_

I stare in shock, replaying Shepard’s remark over and over in my mind before formulating a response. “Is that all you have to say?” I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing. “You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?”

Kira’s face pales a little. Her brows furrow slightly as I step back.

My hands start to shake. I drop my fingertips away from her face, suddenly feeling like an utter fool. How could she do this? How could she leave me behind for two years? Was this some kind of joke to her?

Have I been played – or worse, _used_?

“I thought we had something, Shepard,” I choke, “Something real. I... I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?”

Kira looks away, and despite the voice of reason warning me to stop, I push on, my resentment taking control. “Why didn’t you try to contact me?” I persist, my voice edged with bitterness. “Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” For a long moment she doesn’t look up, but when she does, her eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them. Something glistens on her lower lashes, and for a moment, I begin to wonder if I’m wrong. “I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed...” What can I see in her eyes – pain, anger, betrayal? I’m not sure what to believe anymore. “You’ve moved on. I don’t want to reopen old wounds.”

This remark slapped me even harder than the first. My head is reeling as I try to come to terms with what I’m hearing... And with what I’m seeing. “I did move on. At least, I thought I did. But now we’ve got reports about you and Cerberus.” I instantly hate myself for mentioning the terrorist group, but I can’t let it go. What if all the gossip was true? For weeks I’ve been denying the stories, insisting that Kira Shepard would never align herself with such a radical organisation.

And yet, here she is.

Already the first part of my argument has been utterly shattered. If she didn’t even tell me she was alive, how can I defend her against the other rumours?

At the blank look on Kira’s face, I add, “Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit.”

“And you were sent here to scope it out?” Garrus probes, his blue irises glinting as he glowers at me. I shift on my feet, feeling instantly uncomfortable. “What exactly _were_ you told, Kaidan?”

“There were rumours that you weren’t dead,” I return my attentions to Kira. Heat rises deep inside me as I get lost in those desperately sad eyes... “Rumours that you were working for the enemy.”

All at once, her face changes.

The softness, the kindness, the warmth in her gaze is shut out by crushingly dark pain. I know her so well – even after all this time, I can see that she is fighting to keep control.

“Our colonies are disappearing, Kaidan,” She murmurs. “The Alliance turned its back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it.”

I’m stunned to see the resilience in her eyes. She grits her teeth and levels her gaze at me, that old mask of security smoothly covering her desperation.

“You can't really believe that!” I reach out and grasp her by the shoulders. It takes every little ounce of self-control to restrain myself from shaking her – hard – until she comes to her senses. “We both know what Cerberus is like. What they're capable of!”

“Do we?”

The sharp rejoinder catches me off guard, and I drop my hands. “What?”

“Kaidan, you don’t know the facts. Please. Don’t rush to conclusions that you’ll regret.”

I’m not sure whether to take that as a plea or a threat. My shock turns to rage. I back away, shadows crossing my vision, making me dizzy. “I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this.”

Kira’s face contorts in agony, and her hand reaches out for me. “Kaidan, no—”

“You turned your back on everything we believed in,” I snarl through clenched teeth, not bothering to try and hide my fury from her any longer. “You betrayed the Alliance... And you betrayed me.”

Shepard has become deathly quiet and I watch as her two companions glance at each other. I can see that they’re preparing for a confrontation. Garrus’ hand wanders to his holster. As for the other team-mate – a surly-faced woman covered in tattoos – she strikes me as the sort to _invent_ a reason to pull the trigger. Thankfully, I know better than to let her find the opportunity.

“I made you a promise,” I lower my voice, leaning into Shepard so the others can’t hear me. “I promised you that if you ever needed it, that I would be your anchor – remember? That you could always come to me. That you could tell me anything, and I would stand by you.”

“Kaidan...” My name sounds utterly foreign as it leaves her lips. “I _couldn’t_ come. I wanted to, but...” her voice trails off and she tears her eyes from mine.

“Why, Shepard? Why?” I’m begging her for answers – _real_ answers. “I trusted you, Kira. I wanted to believe that you would be strong when everyone else failed. Was I wrong...? Just... Just tell me that it’s a lie. Tell me that you’re not working for them. Please.”

Shepard shakes her head. “Kaidan, you know me – you _know_ I’d only do this for the right reason.”

I step back, aghast. “So it’s true.”

“You saw it yourself, Kaidan! The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers.”

“I want to believe you, Shepard.” I shake my head in frustration. “But I _don't_ trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you!” _How can she be so blind? How can she align herself with these conniving rebels?_ “What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?”

Garrus intervenes, “Damn it, Kaidan. You’re too emotional.”

Am I the only one here who actually remembers the events of two years ago? Am I the only one who recalls cleaning up the failed Rachni experiments? Or wiping out deranged husks tormented in Cerberus science labs? I can still remember the Shepard I once knew – the woman who stood between me and danger, throwing herself into each new scenario without so much as a moment’s hesitation. She never once stopped to question her loyalties. She knew where she stood. And more than anything, she had known that I was there for her.

Suddenly I’m not so sure that this is the same Kira that I once loved. My heart is overwhelmed by doubts. There is, however, one thing I know for sure.

My Shepard would _never_ have believed Cerberus’ lies.

Here stands an imposter, trying to convince me that I’m wrong. Or something worse – what if this really is my Shepard, brainwashed into becoming a mindless Cerberus dogsbody? “You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts,” she insists. But in my eyes, her face is a mask. Behind it lurks a Cerberus operative, a traitor who has chosen to wear my beloved’s face in a worthless attempt to cover her deception.

“Maybe,” I mutter resentfully. “Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight.” My mind is made up. I pull my shoulders up straight and stare directly into her eyes. “You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance solider – and I always will be.” I turn to leave. “I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.”

As I begin to walk away, her voice sings out to me: “I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan.”

Pain racks through me at this. It is like the call of a Siren, a tempting thought placed in my mind to lure me away from safety and straight into the arms of my destruction. I close my eyes against the thought of being with her. Images flood my mind. I can almost feel her touch again.

“It will be just like old times.” Kira’s soft plea wrenches at my heart, but I shake it off.

I take a deep breath. “No, it won't, Shepard. Those times are gone – I know that now.” I level a saddened gaze at her. “And I'll never work for Cerberus.”

Kira looks utterly crushed. She flinches in defeat. “Then I guess we’re done here.”

“I guess we are.” I can’t deny that that old, horrible ache has returned. The yawning pit of despair has been reopened in my soul, but I don’t dare show it. Instead, I do my best to remain the strong man she’s known. It’s the least I can do. But now that the time has come, I don’t know. I had the words a few moments ago, words of resentment and betrayal to condemn her to her fate. I had been all too ready to do exactly that. But at the defeat in her eyes, and the sadness in her voice, part of me softens. “Goodbye, Shepard – and...” I choke on the words, “Please be careful.”

With that, I force my legs into action. I turn and walk away, feeling the weight of my actions with each step.

Behind me I can hear Shepard call for a shuttle. “I’ve had enough of this colony.”

There is deep hurt in her voice that I haven’t heard since the Council locked down the Normandy. And now that I’m suddenly alone on a ravaged planet, I’m forced to come to terms with the fact that _I_ made her feel that way. Once, a long time ago, I had been the one she’d turned to when she felt lost. Tonight she wouldn’t have anyone. And neither will I. Tonight, I will have nothing but my regrets.

Once, a long time ago, I had lain awake hoping that a miracle would occur and that she’d come back to me. Little could I have known that when that moment finally came, I would push her away.

_Hell, Shepard. What have I done to you?_


	11. Deceptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan returns to the Citadel in the aftermath of Horizon, and discovers that Cerberus has dastardly plans for Shepard...

I glance down at my omni-tool to see that it’s almost four in the morning. I swipe the back of my hand across my eyes, desperately trying to ignore my body’s growing demand for sleep. I spent several hours just walking in the dark, but that was before midnight. Finally, I returned back to my dingy apartment and settled down with my datapad. What had at first been a simple idea has now become a fully fledged memoir. I don’t think I’ve ever written so much in all my life.

Of all the things I had dreamed of being in my life, the word ‘author’ had never really fit with me. _The Memoirs of Major Kaidan Alenko_. It sounds more like a B-rate drama than a biography.

Dreams.

There are many kinds: The ones that haunt your waking hours with hopes and ambitions; others that cloud your vision and make you lose all track of reality. Some dreams are beautiful fantasies, a journey to a distant world with old friends waiting to sweep you away on wild adventures. Then there are the dreams that shatter your sleep with terror.

I am one of many unfortunate individuals who suffer from the latter. The nightmares haven’t stopped since the Battle of London: Every morning I wake in a cold sweat, the lingering image of Shepard facing Harbinger seared into my memory. The worst part is knowing that I’m one of the lucky ones. I have heard of many soldiers who came home from the war with much worse things than nightmares. The injuries don’t stop at your skin. They burn into your soul, eat away at your conscience and annihilate your joy. Some of the men have been so damaged psychologically that they can barely speak. Others teeter on the brink of self-destruction, every passing hour sending them further and further towards that fatal abyss.

In comparison, I’m almost grateful for the nightmares. They are a far kinder punishment, and one that I can bear with relative ease.

I lean back against the head of my cot, groaning for what has to be the millionth time as the angular wooden board digs into my spine. I shift my weight, reaching for a thin pillow to prop behind my back before settling back once more. The datapad is getting heavier in my hands. I’m fighting to stay alert – Emily needs this chapter tomorrow afternoon. Eventually I decide that the battle simply isn’t worth fighting and I give into the desire to sleep. I let my tired head fall back against the wall, closing my eyes against the exhaustion settling across my eyes.

“Kaidan.”

I smile as a warm breath washes over my neck, and my heart leaps as Kira’s familiar lips press tenderly against the corner of my jaw. I know she’s only in my mind. She is far away, lost to me. But at least in this world halfway between sleep and waking, I can feel her touch, hear her voice...

“I missed you today,” I sigh, relishing the thought of her beside me.

The beautiful phantom wraps her arms around me, nestling her forehead into the crook of my neck. “I missed you too.” After a few moments, Shepard lifts her head and glances down at the datapad in my hands. “What are you working on?”

“Nothing,” I smile at her mischievously, hiding the screen behind me so she can’t read it.

Kira’s mouth twists into a knowing grin. She raises her brow – I can see she’s accepted my challenge. “If it is ‘nothing’, then why are you so keen to hide it from me? I wonder.” Shepard runs her hand up my chest, a teasing glint alerting me to the fact that she’s making plans for my undoing.

I decide to beat her to the punch.

Kira lets out a surprised yelp as I start tickling her stomach. She doubles over, swiping at my arms in a futile attempt to escape. But it’s no use – I’ve got her firmly pinned down, and tears begin to form in her eyes in response to my relentless attack.

“Kaidan! Stop!” She chokes out between bursts of laughter.

“Not a chance,” I smirk. “I may not get another chance to do this, you know.”

She sobers at this, staring up at me sadly as my hands fall still. “I’m not gone yet.”

“So you keep saying.” I reach down and push away her messed hair from her forehead. “But one day you will be, and I’ll have to come to terms with that.”

Her eyes are so beautiful – rich mahogany irises plead with me not to send her away just yet. “You were always strong, Kaidan. You will be again.”

“And what if I’m not?” I whisper, that old aching hole pushing aside all the warmth in my soul. “Kira, when you’re not here, I lose half of myself – the _better_ half.”

She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me down so that my cheek is resting on her chest. Even though I know I’m only dreaming, the sound of her heartbeat is so clear, so strong. Her lungs rise as they draw in each new breath; she’s so real in that moment that I can feel the reassuring warmth of her skin against me. “I’m not gone,” She promises, her hand running through my hair. “There is still hope – hold onto that. It’s your choice, Kaidan.”

I nod gently, staring up into her eyes as the fog of sleep presses down on me. “Will you be here when I wake?”

“Always,” She promises, her sad eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I promised you that I would be waiting for you, and I am. You know where to find me – I’m where I’ve always been.” Her fingers dance across my heart before moving up to cup my chin in her hands. “So don’t you about forget me, Major.”

“Never,” I pledge, the words escaping my mouth in both the dream world and the real one.

In my mind’s eye, her red hair falls across her neck as she kisses me. I fall away into the depths of darkness, her words lingering, echoing across the void...

 

* * *

 

**\---2185---**

 

_“It’s been too long, Kaidan... Too long...”_

I try to move my hands, but they’re frozen. Cold darkness presses in all around me, shutting out the air.

_“How have you been?”_

A mocking laugh bounces off the walls of my tomb, repeating over and over...

I try to scream, but the sound never leaves my throat. My lips are dry. I am desperate, wanting to cry out for help, but I know that no matter how hard I try, nobody will hear me.

 _Two years!_ My mind rages. I stretch out my hands, clawing at the empty space, searching for something to grab hold of. _You left me behind – let me think that you were dead for two years!_

_“Did I?”_

Kira’s voice floats to me, and my stomach lurches at her insidious accusation.

_“You didn’t come back for me, Kaidan. You didn’t even try to find me.”_

I can barely breathe. _That’s not what I wanted!_

_“Isn’t it?”_

_No! Kira, no!_

Suddenly a gloved hand appears and grasps my open palm. With a swift pull, I find myself standing once more in that compound on Horizon.

“Why are you doing this?” I persist, searching my surroundings for any sign of her. “Shepard! Answer me!”

She’s here, standing right in front of me now. Her hair is messed, strands of her fringe falling across her eyes as she stares up at me wickedly from beneath her brows.

“Cerberus brought me back,” She growls, and in a split second I find that her hand is wrapped around my throat. “They are working to humanity’s _best interests_.”

I gasp, stumble back and trip. Shepard stands over me, her face twisting in delight at my helplessness.

“Come with me, Kaidan,” She hisses, “Come back to the Normandy. It will be just like old times.”

 _No!_ I scream in my thoughts, fighting to keep a hold of my senses. “You... Are not... _Shepard_.”

“Let go of him!” Another voice rings out, and my captor instantly releases her grip. I fall to the ground. Strong arms wrap around me, and heaving deep breaths of relief, I stare up into that familiar face.

“I’m here, Kaidan,” Kira tells me softly, touching my cheek lovingly. She looks exactly the way I remembered: auburn hair, smooth porcelain skin... “I’ve got you.”

I reach out to her.

In that moment she transforms: hideous, trailing scars breaking through her skin and winding across the side of her face.

I let out a cry and push her away, dizzy and terrified by what I’ve just seen. “NO! You can’t be...” I grasp my head, overwhelmed by a pounding migraine. “You’re not my Shepard. You’re not Kira.”

“Kaidan, it’s me!” She rushes toward me, and out of instinct, my hand flies to my holster. I draw my pistol and level it at her head. Kira’s mouth falls open in horror. “No... Please, Kaidan. Don’t do this!”

The other Shepard – the impersonator – reappears now. Her hair has darkened into a shade of murky grey, and her eyes have started glowing red. Her skin, now an eerie shade of white, is sickeningly deformed by all those scars. I’m struck dumb as I watch the red claws spread like knife-trails across her body. The sight makes me want to be sick.

“Do it,” The deceiver taunts, her voice distorted by a throaty growl. “Pull the trigger. Kill me!”

My hand is shaking... I can’t think straight. I look back at the other Shepard standing in front of me, and instantly my heart tells me that she’s real. Somehow, she _is_ the woman I fell in love with. Nothing makes sense except her.

But the dark apparition is still taunting me. She circles me, her hands creeping along my shoulders as her claw-like fingers scrape at my skin. With a hiss in my ear, she repeats her previous command:

_“Pull. The. Trigger.”_

My hand begins to move of its own accord. I fight it, desperately trying to release my grip on the gun. But something stronger than me is at work, and I’m utterly powerless to stop it.

“Kaidan!” Kira looks up at me through wide eyes. She stares in horror as the shadowy figure places more pressure on my finger. “Please, stop it! It is me – Shepard, remember? I can prove it! Please just give me a chance!” She turns to scream at the ghoul, “Release him – he’s not the one you want! Take me if it will satisfy you, but please, let him go!”

The villain throws her head back and laughs, “Oh I’m having too much fun to let you go now.” She leans in and breathes against my skin, sending a chill up my spine. “Do it. _Now.”_

Time slows down as I watch the events unfold. The gun goes off, the sound of the shot resonating across the compound. For a long moment, Kira’s face is frozen, her eyes locked on mine, drilling into me. All I can see in those dark irises are betrayal, a deep ache that nothing will ever heal. Then, the light in her eyes slowly begins to burn out.

Almost instantly I’m set free. Dropping the weapon, I throw myself forward to catch Shepard as she collapses.

“No... No, Kira, I’m so sorry!” I cradle her tenderly, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Please, fight it. Stay with me.”

All the colour has faded from her cheeks. Blood trickles from her lips, and her breaths are getting weaker. She forces her eyes open. “I wish I could.”

“Don’t let go!” I cry, pressing my hand against the wound. I pull her upper body upright, letting her shoulders rest against one arm as the other tries to stem the flow of blood from her stomach. “What have I done? Oh no... What have I done to you...?” Bitter tears rush down my cheeks.

Kira’s weak hand grasps mine, pulling it away from the bleeding wound. She shakes her head weakly, “It’s too late... I... I’m sorry...” She struggles to suck in one last lungful of air. “Don’t... forget me.”

Her body goes limp in my arms.

A scream tears from my throat. I hold her lifeless form closer, my lips pressed against her forehead. I rock back and forth in a desperate attempt to fend off the numbing agony. _Don’t leave me here – not again!_ But as I look down at her peaceful face, I know that she’s already gone.

_I killed her._

 

* * *

 

 

A strangled cry escapes my lips as I wake from the nightmare. My arms are wrapped around my crumpled pillow and sweat trickles down my skin leaving a cold trail. I’m frozen in fear.

 _It was just a dream_ , I try to tell myself, slowly dragging my mind back from dark places. _C’mon, Alenko, get a grip. It was a nightmare, that’s all._

I force myself to sit up. My limbs shake terribly as I reach for the light switch, but at least with the faint light of the overhead lamp, I can see that I’m in the passenger quarters of an Alliance transport – not on Horizon like I’d dreamed.

_Thank goodness._

It’s been just a little less than a day since I saw her, but time seems to have passed so much more rapidly than that. The shock anaesthetized me to it all – the rescue team’s arrival, the questions from doctors and military personnel. I barely remember anything that happened after I walked away. I left her there, angry and hurt. It’s eating me alive. The only thing I can see is her watching me as I walk away, the look of betrayal in her eyes...

I cover my face with my trembling hands, breathing a shaky sigh.

_Why did you have to be with them?_

After all these months of grief, seeing her alive had been the miracle I’ve been longing for. But she isn’t my Kira anymore. Not really.

_You choose Cerberus, Kira. Cerberus! You joined with the enemy and left me out here in the cold._

I’d be lying if I said that Shepard’s offer to join her crew hadn’t been tempting – it had been. I wanted more than anything to be with her again. But what if, like in my dream, she’s a fake? An impersonator? A clone? The thought is sickening.

But now that I think back, there is an even more horrifying possibility: What if that _was_ my Shepard? What if that was the same Kira I fell in love with two years ago? And after everything I said...

_Hell. She must hate me._

I force myself to stand on unbalanced legs, falling against the wall of my small compartment with a loud bang.

At that moment, the com flares to life.

“Commander Alenko, we’re due to arrive at the Citadel in just under an hour. Can I arrange ground transport for you?”

“No thanks,” I manage to tell the transport steward, swiping at the droplets of sweat running down my forehead. “I’ll be fine.”

The channel falls silent and I spend the next five minutes staring down at my shadow, contemplating my next move.

Finally it hits me: There is one person who knew it all. One person who could have given me the answers before the nightmare on Horizon unravelled. Anger swells up inside my chest, pushing aside the aching loneliness almost instantly.

_Looks like it’s time to pay a friend a visit. I need answers._

 

* * *

 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

My voice booms across Anderson’s office, bouncing off the walls and almost visibly colliding with the Councillor. He jumps, his dark eyes levelling with mine.

“Alenko – you’re back. I heard about what happened on Horizon...”

I slam my hands down on his desk, leaning into his personal space. I’m not even bothering to hide my fury. “You _knew_. All this time.”

No sooner have the words left my mouth than I see Anderson slump in his chair. The mask of denial is a transparent one – one which I can read through so easily.

“Shepard came to you didn’t she?” I spit out the words with growing ire. “How long ago? Hell, Anderson, had I even _left_ for Horizon? You could have told me!”

Anderson’s face falls and he looks down at his hands. After a long pause, I hear the faintest whisper: “No.”

“No?” I push away and cross my arms. “Is that it? That’s all the explanation I get? What the hell is that even supposed to mean, Anderson?”

“No, I couldn’t tell you.”

“Why? Udina?”

“No.” Anderson stands up and moves toward me, his arms hanging limp by his sides. Pronounced lines appear across his forehead, evidence of extreme stress on his part. He looks utterly defeated, and suddenly I feel my anger abating out of pity for the man. “Alenko, we both heard the rumours. We both wanted to believe she was alive. But I always knew the chances...” His voice trails off as he raises his hand to his forehead.

“How long ago?” I repeat my question.

“The day after you left.”

I let the air escape my lungs, feeling suddenly relieved that Anderson’s mission hadn’t been a set-up. “So she didn’t steer you toward Horizon.”

The Councillor’s eyes widen. “Is that what you thought?”

“I... I don’t know what to think.” I sink down onto a chair, staring out the large windows across the glistening white presidium. “I just encountered a ghost.”

Anderson turns away, pacing the room anxiously. “I gather she told you...”

“About Cerberus?” I groan. “Yeah. She did.”

“Alenko, she has good intentions.”

“Good intentions won’t save her from a knife in her back!” I exclaim in frustration. “Does she really think that Cerberus is just going to let her walk away once she’s done? Even if she stops the Collectors, Cerberus will have a plan. I know them. I’ve seen what they can do. Shepard is practically signing her own death warrant by working with those vipers!”

Anderson points to a file on his desk. “Open it.”

A chill rushes through me as I hesitate.

The Councillor picks up the folder and holds it out to me. “If you want to save Shepard, then you need to read this.”

My hands shake as I accept the offering. “And how do I know it’s not another Cerberus trap?”

“Because this information came through a very reliable source.”

“Who?”

“An old friend – one with powerful new connections.”

My eyes widen. _What does he know that I don’t?_ “Enough secrets, Anderson. Who is your source?”

The Councillor sighs in defeat. “Liara T’Soni.”

My mouth falls open in shock. “But... I haven’t heard from Liara in years. What is going on here?”

“Let’s just say she knows first-hand that Shepard really is who she claims to be.” Anderson nods toward the folder. “Take a look for yourself.”

“Before I do, is this on or off the record?”

“Off. Alenko, that information is not to leave this room.”

I nod, trying to fight the urge to shiver. I flick open the file, biting back a cry of shock as I find dozens of photographs: Some are obviously retrieved from security vid footage, while others are the masterful work of an assassin’s scope. But it doesn’t take a genius to figure out the connection between them.

The first photograph, bearing the grainy texture of a vid, has captured the inside of a laboratory. My eyes immediately dart to the white and gold symbol on the wall, before settling on the table in the centre of the room. A table nearby is strewn with burnt armor plating, but even with the charring I can see the distinctive white and red N7 stripe down the right arm pieces. Two people in white lab coats are leaning over a body. I choke as I recognise Shepard’s face, but what are they doing? Are they operating on her? Building a clone? Maybe altering an operative’s face...No matter what the explanation, she’s almost perfectly identical to the Shepard I knew and loved – my Kira. Except I can see more of those glowing scars across her skin, the only indication that the procedure is not quite complete.

As I look closer, I realise that Kira’s hand is reaching up. She’s not asleep!

“Anderson, where did these come from?” I hold up the picture, my heart racing. “What the hell was Cerberus doing?”

“Look at the next one,” comes the cryptic reply.

The next image was taken on Freedom’s Progress – again, security footage. I immediately recognise the compound from the files that Anderson had shown me a few weeks ago. Shepard is crouching behind a crate, grasping a grenade launcher in her hands. But that’s not what catches my eye. It’s what’s on the roof across the compound. I lean in, trying to get a clearer view of the strange shadowy figure. “There’s someone watching her!”

“And the next one,” Anderson repeats, and I obey, a growing sense of foreboding clutching at my heart.

Omega – the slums, obviously. Then the Citadel, outside the embassies; but with every picture I find that my eyes are seeking out that ever-present shadow on the upper balcony. And there it is, looking down at her with glinting, hungry eyes. I shuffle the pictures in my hands, examining the newest one: Horizon. My cheeks flush with heat as I see Shepard and I embracing, completely oblivious to our treacherous spectator. My blood runs cold when I see that black figure crouching on the upper balcony of one of the houses. The lens of this hidden camera caught it all.

“This was just two days ago,” I murmur breathlessly. “Liara is fast. Do I even want to know how she got this information?”

The answer comes in the form of a very slight shake of the head. “You said it yourself, Alenko: Cerberus is not just going to let Shepard walk away from this.” Anderson puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “But they don’t know yet that we have this information. We’re one step ahead of them. Liara has reason to believe that this man is working for the Illusive Man personally, and that he’s been assigned to take out Shepard as soon as she shows any sign of doubt.”

“But why?” I blink in confusion, “If the Illusive Man dedicated so much of his own time and resources into Shepard, why would he assign an assassin to eradicate her? She’s practically one of his own.”

“Because he knows the real Commander Shepard – and he knows she’s out of his control. Kira _will_ turn away. One day she will rebel against his orders, but when she does, he will try to use every other option he has before ordering that assassin to pull the trigger,” Anderson tells me. “But it’s more than that, Alenko. If Shepard is a clone, or a Cerberus operative, then why would he need an assassin to watch her?”

This suggestion makes my head reel, and with sudden horror, I stand and back away from the Councillor. “Then... Then it really is Kira.”

“According to Liara, yes,” Anderson nods. “Don’t ask me how they brought her back from the dead, because I honestly don’t know.” He looks earnestly into my face before asking, “Do you see why I showed you?”

I nod, sucking in a shaky breath. “What do you need me to do?”

“I’ve already spoken with the head of the Alliance Special Task Force,” Anderson says quietly, leading me from his office and down the empty corridors of the embassy. “Shepard is incredibly valuable, Alenko. Not just personally to you and I, but as an informant.”

My cheeks flush even redder at Anderson’s comment, but despite this, I decide it’s best not to address the issue. I pull down my jacket sleeves a little further as we step out onto the presidium. “I have the feeling there is more to this than you’re telling me.”

“And you’d be right,” the Councillor concedes. “I can’t possibly talk about all the details, but I will tell you that there have been three instances now of Shepard turning over valuable information to the Alliance – behind Cerberus’ back.”

A shudder rushes through me. “So the Illusive man has definite suspicions about her. Okay, so what now? We can’t protect her, not officially. She’s a traitor.”

“Shepard knows that she’s in danger,” Anderson says quietly as we pass the Krogan monument. “She never said as much, but I just know that she’s uncomfortable working for Cerberus. And I get the feeling that if we know about this stalker, then she probably knows too.”

I stop dead in my tracks. “If Kira is aware of the stalker, then she’s going to do something, Anderson. I can feel it. Danger is like a flame to her, and she’s the moth. She goes straight for it and never thinks twice about the consequences.”

“And that’s where you come in.”

Anderson directs me toward a small alleyway, running behind one of the lower consular buildings. I blink rapidly as we step into the shadows, fighting the bright spots flashing across my eyes as they adjust to the sudden darkness.

A few moments later, we reach a dead-end. Or at least what looks like one. Anderson brings up his omni-tool, and after pressing his thumb against the screen, a tiny red light flashes. A concealed panel glides open, revealing a steel door. Another beam appears, and scans us both from head to toe.

“Stand as still as you can – it’s just scanning for unauthorised materials,” Anderson reassures me.

By now I’m realising that Anderson is involved in much more than just the Council.

“No wonder you’ve been avoiding Udina,” I breathe, the implications hitting me like a punch to the gut. “If he gets wind of this...”

Even in the semi-dark, I can see the confirmation of my suspicions reflecting in the Councillor’s eyes. “Then I’ll be booted off the Council, and most likely, retired – and I’m don’t mean in a villa by the beach.”

As we step into the elevator, Anderson reaches into his pocket and hands me a sealed folder. A new clearance pass falls onto my sweaty palm. Anderson grasps me by the shoulder, “As of this moment, you are Major Kaidan Alenko, commanding officer of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company.”

My jaw slackens a little. “Major? And I only just got used to being called ‘Commander’.”

“According to the official files, this is a group of talented students, and you are their new teacher. You were selected by the Alliance for the job due to your talent and experience. But even the Alliance will acknowledge that this group is a covert one: students or no, to the rest of the world, these people don’t exist.”

The elevator doors glide open and I find myself standing in a large office. The lighting is dim, and computer terminals are aligned along every wall – it almost reminds me of staring into the tiny eyes of an insect, all these shimmering screens reflecting light. Anderson nods at a few security guards before leading me into a side room. He locks the door after us and opens a large cupboard at the far end of the compartment.

“Here, take these.”

I accept yet another package – this time, a bag containing a change of clothes. “A new uniform? Next thing you’ll be telling me that I have to move house and change my face too.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” He laughs. “Don’t tell me you’re not up for a little bit of espionage, Alenko?”

I let a reluctant grin play across my face. “What was it Shepard said – I am a romantic who joined the military for the dream? Maybe she was right after all.”

“Well, you might not be calling this mission a dream once it is over.” Anderson passes me a large duffel bag. “I’ve called in a few favours. Managed to scrounge up a few weapon mods, some tracking equipment, and a top-of-the-line code breaking kit. You’ll need them.” He indicates at the bag, “You will want to change now.”

I obey, accepting the new set of blues that Anderson hands me. “Talk to me, Anderson. I’m flying blind here.” My gut twists. “This ‘Special Company’ of mine isn’t actually a group of students at all, is it?”

“No.” The Councillor is still flicking through the contents of the duffel bag, pulling out various items: An omni-tool upgrade pack, a new pair of boots (which I’m guessing have some kind of tracker in the sole), and a wrist-watch. The Councillor indicates for me to extend my wrist. I do so, and he clasps the silver chain around it. I frown. “What’s this for?”

“It’s a tracking beacon,” Anderson enlightens me, “So I can keep track of your position at all times.”

Finally, with my new uniform and accessories in place, my friend turns to me with a sad smile on his face. “Here’s the deal: The operative stalking Shepard is a chameleon – they can change their face and their names just as easily as we can change our shirts. Liara did manage to find out that is that the assassin is communicating with the Illusive Man, but that is all she could tell me. But if this creep is going after Shepard, then the chances are we won’t know it’s them until they’ve already fired the gun.”

I swallow nervously. “Anderson – Shepard’s planning on defecting, isn’t she?”

“Yes.”

“How soon?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that when I get the signal, we’ll need to move quickly.”

I put a hand to my head. “So where do I come in?”

“You’re the man in the shadows,” The Councillor says, his voice lowering. “Shepard will need somebody to keep her safe, and if she’s planning on going through with her plan, then she’ll need the best. That’s you. Your job is to watch and to make sure nobody gets close enough to her to hurt her. Do whatever it takes.”

“I’m guessing that you haven’t told Shepard about my role yet?”

“And I don’t intend to.”

I gawk at him in disbelief, “You can’t be serious!”

“She can’t know,” Anderson insists, shaking his head firmly. “I have already arranged for a personal bodyguard and safe accommodation for Shepard, but trust me on this, Kira will be safer not knowing about your role in this. Alenko, if her behaviour indicates to the stalker in any way that he’s been discovered, then it will blow the whole operation.”

“Then how do I catch this assassin without being seen?”

“They’ll do the work for you if you wait long enough. They will only come out in the open when they’re ready to take the kill shot – and that’s when you’ll need to be there.”

Anxiety wells up inside my stomach, and I fight the nauseating sensation that’s crawling up my throat. “And who is this bodyguard?”

“I believe you two already know each other – James Vega?”

I nod, rubbing my eyes absently. “Yes, the survivor from Fehl Prime. I didn’t realise he was involved in this scheme.”

“It was a recent development,” Anderson tells me as he puts my old uniform and pass into a storage box.

“And what about my ‘students’?”

“They will be undercover operatives, working alongside you, acquiring new intel for you to follow up – and they’ll be your back-up, should the situation become out of hand.”

“Sounds like all that’s left is to bring in the Normandy.”

“As soon as I get the information, I’ll notify you.” Anderson exhales nervously, “I just hope that Cerberus doesn’t get to her before we do.”

I stretch out my shoulders and head for the door. “I’ve got this, Anderson. I won’t let you down.”

My old friend puts a heavy hand on my shoulder. “It’s not me you are doing this for, Alenko. Shepard needs you, even if she doesn’t know it yet. By God, Kaidan, promise me you’ll keep her alive.”

A tremor of self-doubt rocks me even as I nod my confident reply: “I don’t like this. But I promise you that I’ll do everything within my power to protect her – no matter the cost.”

As we step back out onto the Presidium, the Councillor shakes my hand. “I’m glad that you’re the one in charge of this. And I’m saying this as your friend: please be careful.”

“Always, Sir.”

 I shove my hands in my pockets as he walks away. After Anderson retreats back into the warm corridors of the Embassy, I begin the long stroll back to my sky car. A cold breeze washes over me. The Citadel is usually warm with its high-tech climate control systems. But right now I could be standing in the middle of a desert and it wouldn’t help. The chill is spreading through my bones and seeping into my chest. I remember this feeling. I struggled with it on Eden Prime, the night before Virmire, and in the hours after Shepard stole the Normandy...

If this is all true, and Shepard really is who she claims she is, then it’s up to me to protect her from Cerberus. But deep down, I’m terrified. They’re a whole organisation. I’m just one man. 

Finally it dawns on me: What if Shepard’s message address is in the file Anderson gave me? What if I could get through to her somehow? A lump rises in my throat. What would I even say to her? ‘I’m sorry for being angry, but I still don’t trust you?’ I can’t even warn her about the Cerberus threat. And then there is the possibility that Cerberus is monitoring her communications. What if she has been brainwashed into giving them intel on the Alliance? Worse: What if my anger toward her has convinced her that Cerberus really is on her side...?

_I have to get through to her somehow. I have to try!_

I lift my arm, bringing up the com-screen on my omni-tool. My fingers hover over the keys nervously. Should I...? It’s a big risk. But if Anderson is right, and the woman I loved is still alive, then it’s a chance I have to take.

I bite back my nervousness and begin typing:

‘Dear Kira...’

‘Hey Kira...’

Definitely not! _Keep it simple... Just tell her the truth._

 **‘Shepard,**  
  
I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?’

I bite my lip, thinking about the reaction that is bound to follow on her end. Truly, I feel like such an idiot now for going on that blind date with Chloe Michel. I mean, it didn’t even go anywhere. But what will she think of me reading this? I don’t want to sound like I’m guilty, but hell, I just want to _explain_. I take a deep breath and press on. ****  
  
‘Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.  
  
But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy...’

I hesitate. The words ‘I wish things could were different’ are just too cliché, but right now, I wish I could just rewrite history, save her from that horrific death and wrap her in my arms again.

_I wish I had kept you safe. I wish I hadn’t left you behind. And the truth is... The truth... is..._

I desperately want to tell her that I still love her. I want to be able to warn her that an assassin is watching her. But I know that I can’t – not directly.

 **‘I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.**  
  
When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.  
  
\--Kaidan’

I stare at the screen for a long time before finally psyching up the nerve to hit the ‘send’ button. The instant the message disappears, my gut sinks like a stone. My mind is so confused, and the pain in my head is agonizing.

_I wish I could change everything._

“Oh Kira,” I moan quietly, “How did we get here...?”

I turn my pre-occupied eyes toward an advertisement post, my eyes staring off into the pixels absently.

“How can I possibly keep you safe?” I say to myself, imagining her on the Normandy somewhere, blissfully oblivious to the brewing danger. “I don’t even know if I can trust you, Shepard. How do I know you’re the same woman? How do I know Cerberus isn’t controlling you – or changed you somehow? Anderson trusts you, and I want to believe him, but I need to hear it from you. I just... I just don’t believe it yet.”

I push my hands back into my pockets and start to walk away, pausing only as a nearby news terminal flares to life.

_“And now I’m speaking with the Savior of the Citadel, Commander Shepard.”_

I freeze mid-step, immediately recognising the insipid tone of the notoriously invasive Khalisah Al-Jalani. I slowly turn about, feeling the air rush from my lungs at the footage on the screen.

Shepard is standing there in front of Al-Jalani’s camera, her pale face made to look almost stark white in that hideous lighting. Her auburn hair is a stark contrast against her polished armor. She’s gone and got herself a new set by the looks of it – the plating certainly isn’t standard Alliance issue, that’s for sure. It’s royal blue, highly polished, and has stark white stripes down the front and on her arm where her prized N7 colours used to be. I don’t quite know what to make of this. Has Shepard changed her appearance for a reason? Perhaps she’s trying to distance herself from the Alliance. Or vice versa. Could she be protecting the Alliance from her involvement with Cerberus...?

I shake my head, trying to clear the jumble of thoughts that come flooding in on all sides.

_Focus, Alenko – just focus._

Khalisah holds out a microphone toward Kira. “Sources claim you were at the heart of the presidium during the Battle of the Citadel. It’s fair to say that the course of the battle hinged on your words. _”_

The camera spins away from Al-Jalani to focus in on Shepard, and as it does, I catch a glimpse of that same dark-haired woman Shepard was with before on Omega. _Cerberus_. Shepard’s got guts stepping out in public like this, especially with Cerberus standing right next to her, watching her. Particularly after letting the galaxy believe she had died. This should be interesting to say the least. I’m amazed to see that Kira’s mask of calm is back in place – not even a flicker of discomfort at Al-Jalani steps into her personal space. Just the ever-so-slight arch of her eyebrow.

I laugh to myself as I watch the growing annoyance in Kira’s eyes. _Careful, Khalisah._

But the painfully oblivious (or perhaps just deliberately rude) journalist presses on: “If true, you told Admiral Hackett to abandon the Destiny Ascension, sacrificing nearly 10,000 lives, including the previous Citadel Council.”

I suddenly remember to breathe when Shepard takes a step forward, straight into Khalisah’s comfort zone. The reporter’s face blanches.

“It was time for us to find our own path,” Kira replies steadily, her voice translating smoothly over the live telecast channel. Hearing her speak again sends a pleasured shudder up my spine, and I smile despite myself. “I was a colonist. I know how hard the galaxy can hit.” Shepard’s eyes narrow slightly in an attempt to hide her sadness at this thought. Her dark lashes are even more pronounced under the light of the camera, but even in this unflattering light, I can’t help but admire her. “That day wasn’t about spite,” She continues, “It was about standing up.”

Khalisah stammers, her face turning red as she searches for a way to bring the interview back around to her agenda. “But what about inter-species relations—”

Kira’s eyes close for a moment, and when they open, I catch a glimpse of that angry spark, the flaming urge to ball up her fist and slam it into that invasive reporter’s jaw. Even I’m astounded that Kira instead opts for a gentler approach. But there’s no mistaking the irritation in her voice as she replies: “We have a new Council, new friends. We took a tragic vacuum and created an opportunity.” Shepard folds her arms and smirks. “Unless, you’re saying humanity and our many partner species don’t deserve that chance to excel?” A small burst of pride wells up inside my chest as Kira leans forward slightly, closing the interview with a confident tone. “Don’t insult them. It’s beneath you.”

As Shepard turns and strolls away (with what I interpret to be a vaguely arrogant strut) Al-Jalani concludes, “Commander Shepard, first human spectre, hero of the battle of the citadel.”

With that, the news terminal cuts to another report.

The crowd that has gathered to watch the transmission begins to disperse. Two Asari begin to discuss their menu for this evening’s dinner. A Turian and a Salarian exchange details about some new fantasy game. A Volus starts complaining to a C-Sec officer about his lost credit chit. And somewhere in the midst of the tumult of emotions and memories raging in my brain, I remember that I was on my way home. Suddenly, I’m just me again: Plain old Kaidan, standing in the middle of the Presidium and trying to remember where he parked his car.

As I start to walk, I can’t help but ponder on what I just saw. Kira seemed confident, even pleased with the opportunity to show her face on a public news broadcast. But now that I think about it, there is a definite advantage to putting up with Al-Jalani for two minutes. If Cerberus thought they would simply be able to eliminate Shepard at the end of her usefulness, their mission just became a whole lot more complicated. Because now the entire galaxy knows for sure: Kira Shepard – the first human Spectre, hero of the Citadel – has returned from the dead. And I just happen to know that there is at least one person out here who still loves her.

* * *

 

**\---Meanwhile on the Normandy---**

 

She keeps her chin held high as she strolls down the corridor and onto the lower cargo deck. The engineers watch her cautiously, and she resists the urge to growl at them as she passes.

 _Cerberus groupies,_ she sneers, turning away from the prying eyes with a shrug of complacency.

She never wanted to be here. She _hated_ Cerberus for what they did to her, and that isn’t about to change. Most girls would have let the label overwhelm them, crush their individuality and push them into a dark corner of obscurity.

But not her. She owned her label. She had made it her strength instead of her punishment.

_Because I’m Subject Zero._

Jack resented that Shepard had come to retrieve her, had dragged her from one prison straight into another. But at least the Commander had been decent enough to let her into Cerberus’ files. That was something. Jack had asked half expecting to be outright denied. Instead, an hour later the folder had been in her hands. Now, thanks to this stranger, she knows her name – her _real_ name. She knows her history. And something inside her wonders if perhaps Shepard isn’t as corrupt as she had first thought.

It wouldn’t be the first time Cerberus had commandeered an unwilling participant.

Jack rounds the corner and finds herself standing in an empty hangar bay. She can hear loud thuds and yells of frustration coming from somewhere beyond the crates a distance away...

 _Is someone getting it on down here?_ The thought makes her want to go right back to her dingy corner of the engineering sub-deck, but instead her feet push her forward until she’s no more than two feet away from the crates.

Peering around the edge of the obstruction, Jack is slightly astonished to find that somebody has set up a punching bag down here. The bean-filled sack – which is almost as tall as she is – sways furiously back and forth, grunts of pent-up anger and exertion coming from a place just out of her view. Jack decides to take a closer look. She slips around the side of the crates, leaning against them with folded arms.

It is Shepard. This catches Jack off-guard. She had expected to find Jacob, Garrus even. But Shepard?

The Commander is letting all hell loose on that poor bag, sending it flying backward with her jab punch on more than one occasion. Jack takes in the scene, amazed to see that Shepard has exchanged her black dress uniform for a worn, grey tank-top and blue cargo pants. Her fists are bound up with thin straps – no gloves. That’s a surprise. And no shoes either, just bare feet. As she watches, one of Shepard’s legs arcs upward smoothly, balancing out her body as she leans down into the side-kick. Her bean-filled victim groans on its chain, and with a swift spin on the ball of her foot, Shepard lands soundlessly back on the ground.

“You’ve got some pretty neat moves – for a girl scout,” Jack teases after a moment of silence.

Shepard doesn’t even turn around. She just reaches for the grey towel lying on the crate and pads down her neck and face.

“So this is what you do for fun.” Jack shrugs, “I can see why you like it down here. It’s quiet, and nobody wants to talk to you when you’re beating the hell outta something.”

“Uh-huh.”

Jack frowns slightly when she hears the lifeless tone in Shepard’s voice. Before now she’s always seemed so optimistic – energetic. The sound is almost painful. “I... I just wanted to come down here and say thanks.” The decision to try and cheer Shepard up is one that Jack almost immediately regrets. But despite her sense of chagrin, she pushes the words out. “For showing me my file, that is. And for agreeing to go to Pragia.”

Shepard stops, leaning her hands against a crate and letting her head drop down in defeat.

Jack’s heart sinks, and for the first time in years, she wonders what it would be like to reach out to somebody, to help... “You know, it’s not all bad. Being on your own. But I get it – you miss him.”

Shepard’s head snaps up at this, and she turns to stare at Jack incredulously.

“That guy on Horizon, right?” Jack presses, “I saw the way you looked at him.”

“Was it that obvious?” Shepard runs her finger across her forehead, pushing away the strands of rogue hair from her sweaty skin.

“He’s pretty hot for a f... uh, a scumbag,” Jack interjects, her face deadly serious despite the strangely light-hearted tone to her words. But when Shepard doesn’t laugh, she adds, “But I’m guessing you wouldn’t be down here punching the crap out of a heavy bag if you wanted to think about him.”

The Commander doesn’t answer, just looks across the small space toward a datapad lying on one of the nearby boxes. Jack’s eyes follow the direction of her gaze.

“He wrote to you?” She prompts, beginning to understand Shepard’s unease. She curses, “That was a hell of a thing to do. Kicks you in the guts, rubs your face in the dirt and then sends you a ‘I still don’t love you’ message after?”

“Just in case I missed that point the first time around,” Shepard mutters, slamming a right hook into the bag.

There is a long, tense silence.

Suddenly the weight of the situation hits Jack, and she bites her lip. “You really don’t want to be here do you?” The words are almost a plea, a quietly-spoken cry for reassurance from the one person on the Normandy who Jack could call a friend.

Kira lets her fists fall to her sides as she turns to study the biotic’s face. “No. No I don’t.”

“Cerberus did it to you too, huh?”

Shepard doesn’t answer – she just renews her attack, her relentless anger translating into harsh punches and grunts.

Jack stares at the ground. She doesn’t especially want to push her luck. “Look, I didn’t want to invade or anything, so I’ll just leave you to it.”

“Wait.” Shepard relaxes a little. “I’m sorry. I came down here because I didn’t want to take out my anger on anyone – including you. It’s just that...” She glances down at her hands. “I never really wanted to be here. Cerberus made that choice for me. But seeing Kaidan again just reminded me... Well. I guess we’re both a little broken.” Kira shakes her head. She’s pushing the pain away, trying to be strong. “You don’t have to go, Jack.” Then, she adds with a grin, “I wouldn’t mind having someone to spar with.”

Jack throws back her head and laughs. “Hell, Shepard. You’re always counselling me – you and your part-time psychology obsession. Guess I could help you vent for a while.” She flashes a brief, wicked grin, “But don’t think for one _second_ that this means I want to be your friend.”

Kira hands her a wrist strap. “I think I can manage that.”


	12. Havens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan Alenko relives the night when Kira Shepard and the Normandy come back into his life - and the moment when 'Operation Safe-Haven', a covert plan to protect Shepard from a Cerberus assassin, goes horribly wrong...

I force my eyes open, blinking away the grinding evidence of sleep. My hand is still tightly gripping the datapad, and as I glance at my clock, I realise with a start that I must have slept late after writing for so long last night. It’s a little after midday. The sun is peeking in through the threadbare curtains, casting a dull grey glow across the room. I tilt my head to see outside – the two inch gap between the ill-fitted fabric dressings gives me a narrow view of the apartment block across the street.

The pigeons are coming back now that the war has ended. A pair is perched contentedly on the balustrade across the way, and that cavernous emptiness reclaims my chest as I watch them coo at each other lovingly. Some people say the worst time to be alone is at night, but for me, my memories are just as intense when I wake. I almost wish that there was some task, some battle to fight to distract me from the emptiness. I shudder at the memories of the Reapers... Part of me is suddenly grateful that the only threat that I face today is being pooped upon by dim-witted birds.

I shiver as I throw back the bed linen. The bitterly cold air sends goose bumps up my bare skin, eliciting an exclamation of shock from my lips before I can stop it.

A loud pounding sounds on the wall to my left – it joins onto Apartment 2C. I haven’t actually had the chance to meet my neighbours properly, but I know that 2C is home to a returned soldier like myself. Except he’s still on active duty...  And works the night shift.

 _“Some of us would prefer it if you didn’t wake the dead, Alenko!”_ He shouts through the thin plasterboard.

I grimace, backing away from the wall slowly. “Sorry, Captain!”

The sound of his irritated muttering is still ringing in my ears as I stumble into the bathroom. I pump the hot water tap until steam fills the small room, before gratefully ducking underneath the balmy torrent. My hair falls into my eyes, sending drops of water across my vision. I am mentally reciting my checklist for today. A physical appraisal at one, a lunch-time meeting with Emily Wong at two, then a training session at the Alliance compound on the East bank, and finally a drink with Joker at the opening of a new club, ‘Trench 15’. I run my hands along my chin, grimacing at the stubble beneath my fingers.

I remember how much Shepard used to enjoy my ‘shadow’. She always would complain when I kissed her without shaving, saying that my stubble was rough. But Kira had loved tracing the line of my jaw with her fingers first thing in the morning. She would only do it if she thought I was asleep – never knowing just how many times I had been watching her through narrowly opened eyes. Shepard was beautiful in the morning. Her skin would glow from warmth, her red hair falling in messed strands across her neck and forehead. She’d lean on her elbows as she watched me, and I would be fighting to lie as still as possible. Truthfully, all I wanted to do was press my unshaven face against those smooth, freckled shoulders. I had weighed up doing exactly that, but I knew that if I did, then I would never be able to watch her like that again. My surreptitious viewpoint had been too great an advantage to relinquish, no matter the prize.

I wrap a towel around myself before reaching for my razor. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear Kira whisper in my ear, “I wish we didn’t have to go back.” And my stomach twists at the thought – she would have wanted to be here, to see life resume, to watch me get ready for work... It was her favourite time of the morning. But she isn’t here and I can only press on with my life. The ‘shadow’ has to go for now – it’s time to be Major Kaidan Alenko again.

 

* * *

 

**\--2186--**

 

“Major Alenko, sir – I have a message for you from Admiral Hackett.” The young lieutenant passes me a datapad, his hands visibly shaking. “Here’s the report you requested, and I put the Admiral’s call through to the Com Room for when you’re ready.”

I smile at him and accept the datapad. “Thank you, Barrett.” I lean forward in my office chair, briefly studying the logistics on the screen before me. If I was going to speak with Hackett, it would be best to have a clear idea of the topic first. The data seems to consist of cities, family names, numbers... After a few moments I realise that the lieutenant has not left, and I glance up at him uneasily. “Is there something else, Lieutenant?”

“Sir, the Admiral – uh, he just wanted me to tell you... The news? It’s about Operation Safe Haven.”

I almost drop the datapad in my haste. I launch out of my chair, grabbing my uniform jacket and slipping it on over my blues. “Did he say anything else?”

“He said that the information was top-level clearance only,” Barrett insists as we walk hurriedly through the high-rise office corridors. “It must be important if he couldn’t tell me – I’ve got a level five security pass.”

I give the younger man a sympathetic look. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.”

He nods and walks away as I turn to face the com room security panel. A scanner activates, and a beam sweeps across my open eye. With a gentle hiss, the door glides open.

“Alenko – it’s good to see you again.” The blue hologram of Hackett salutes, and I follow suit, drawing myself up a little straighter until the Admiral drops his arm to his side. I relax and smile as the Admiral Hackett clasps his hands behind his back, straightening his shoulders and looking down at me with kind eyes.

“It’s good to see you too, Sir,” I respond, stepping closer to the communications terminal. “It’s been a long time.”

“The years have treated you well,” the Admiral tells me. “Last time we met you were lieutenant aboard the original Normandy.”

I laugh, “I had better hair then.”

Hackett chuckles, shaking his head. “But your wit hasn’t changed at all.”

“I haven’t let myself go entirely,” I quip before turning serious. “Sir, I was told you had information for me on Operation Safe Haven.”

The Admiral’s eyes turn dark, and the grin disappears from his face. “I do. It isn’t easy for me to discuss this, Alenko, but I thought that since you’re leading the operation to protect Shepard, you ought to be the first to know.” He takes a deep breath. “The Bahak system has been destroyed.”

My mind is wiped blank, and I stare at the hologram in speechless bewilderment. “What?”

“I’m afraid it’s true,” Hackett sighs, “The Reapers were planning to use the Alpha Relay to invade. They had to be stopped, and there was no other option except to destroy the relay.”

“But... what has this got to do with Operation Safe Haven?” I query in confusion. Then it hits me. I take a step back. “Wait – Shepard did this?” I turn away and rub my eyes. “Oh hell. How? How did this happen?” Then another thought occurs. “Oh god – Hackett is she alright?”

“I just spoke with her,” the Admiral reassures me. “I just left a meeting with her on the Normandy, and am calling to warn you that Shepard has decided to turn herself over to the Alliance.”

I close my eyes momentarily, sucking in a shuddering breath. “Hackett, she’ll be coming home to a court martial. She will be imprisoned.”

“I know, Alenko. I know. Unfortunately we have no other choice, and from what Anderson has told me, perhaps a cell would be the safest place for her right now.”

The Admiral is right, though it pains me to even think about it. It pains me even more to think of all the Batarians who died at Shepard’s hand... How could she do this? How could she knowingly send a civilisation of people to their destruction, just to delay the Reapers? I know just as well as she does that the Reapers will find another way – it’s just a matter of time. She may have bought us a few months, but at what price? Several million lives lost. But tomorrow there will be more. And if the Batarians want retribution... I shiver as I realise that I may have to protect Shepard from more than Cerberus.

“How long do I have?” I ask tentatively.

“The Normandy is due to dock at the Citadel in 12 hours,” Hackett states. “Is everything ready?”

“Anderson just returned from Omega yesterday with our newest recruit,” I inform him. “Shepard will have a full-time bodyguard. I have also arranged for a safe house back on earth. In the meantime, I can have Bailey set up a secure cell in the C-Sec detention centre as temporary housing until Shepard can be transferred. My team has a plan for securing the docks already in place, and we can have that ready to go at 16:00 hours.”

“Excellent. Keep me informed. Hackett out,” the Admiral nods and then shuts off the communications channel.

I’m rooted to the spot, my head spinning with the information I’ve just been given.

First Shepard miraculously returns from the dead. Next she’s apparently switched allegiances, working for Cerberus – but all the while secretly feeding critical information back to the Alliance. And now? Not only is the Citadel buzzing with rumors that the Collectors have been destroyed, but now she’s apparently wiped out the Bahak system too. All to save the galaxy from the Reapers.

I lean my arm against the wall, resting my forehead on my hand as I struggle to calm my breathing.

_What have you done, Shepard? Was it really worth it?_

 

* * *

 

 

I am pacing the length of my dimly-lit office, struggling to keep a growing migraine from overwhelming my thoughts. Glancing to my left, beyond my desk, I see the rest of my biotics division hovering around outside. They’re waiting for the call. We all are.

The clock on my omni-tool reads 01:45.

The Normandy is running late.

I’m clenching my fists by my sides to keep from throwing something across the room. My implant is raging within my skull, tingling with the ever-lingering promise of release. Throwing around some breakables is one sure way to relieve tension, but I know better. My silent companions are still there when I look up. They’re watching me with concerned faces through the glass wall, leaning against their desks. Mugs were left abandoned on the tables when I told them about the Normandy’s impending arrival. The vessels were long-since emptied, and despite my ordering my ‘students’ to take a break half an hour ago, not one member of the company has left the office.

I turn and stare out the window, my eyes drifting out across the docks. Anderson had pulled a lot of strings to set up our operation’s home base here in one of the C-Sec offices beneath the Citadel air-traffic control centre. At first I had hated the noise from the ships as they arrived, underwent maintenance, taxied out... But after a month or so it began to feel more natural. Sometimes an Alliance Frigate would pull into Dock D42 – which is directly across the way from my window – and the soft hum of the core would remind me of the Normandy. For a few days I would enjoy feeling the resonant hum of the engine beneath my feet. Then the frigate would leave and I would be reminded that my desk was no longer on a cruiser, but on the Citadel.

Tonight I’m nervous. Not just because the Normandy is returning, but because I know that everything is about to change.

Will Shepard be comforted to see me? Will she try to resist arrest when the time comes? Surely Kira knows that this is all for the best. She is supposedly doing this out of her own free will. But how can I know? Deep down I’m still questioning, still doubting... She may be the same woman, but perhaps part of her soul has changed now that she’s been away so long. Maybe she’s moved on. Garrus has been travelling with her, and from what I’ve seen of her crew, he’s not the only member of her company who could...

I shudder and push the painful thought away.

How could I have been so stupid on Horizon? How could I reject her like that, yell at her and treat her like the enemy? I should have known better. I should have seen the honesty in her eyes. Instead, I was blinded by betrayal. But I can’t change what’s been done. Even now knowing that the woman I once loved is still alive, I find myself trapped by rules. She’s a wanted criminal, and I’m responsible for keeping her in custody. And for keeping her alive.

I groan and rub my throbbing forehead. This job is going to be the end of me.

A loud chiming sound meets my ears, and instantly I spin about and hit the ‘receive’ button on my terminal.

Anderson’s face comes up on the screen. “I just received word from the Alliance docking officer – the Normandy just requested landing clearance. See you on the dock in ten minutes, Alenko.”

“I’ll be right there,” I manage to get out before cutting the channel and sprinting for the office door. “Ten minutes, people!”

My team immediately swings into action.

Carlton and Garrett resume their places at their desks, activating the monitoring equipment and nodding to me when they confirm that the surveillance net is online. They spent hours bypassing security feeds around the docks, and now it is paying off. Nobody will be able to so much as sneeze on Bay D42 without them knowing about it. The other members of the company have already rushed out the door, donning their equipment and heading toward their designated posts on the docks. Meanwhile, Wilder, Matheson and Campbell are coordinating the security effort with C-Sec. They command ten officers each, and together they’ve been working to close down all unnecessary traffic through the docks. Now they’re heading downstairs to secure the halls. Nobody is allowed in or out of D42 without prior clearance from either myself or Captain Bailey. Bailey has been invaluable. He doesn’t know the full extent of the operation; to him, the Biotics Special Division is just another company. Even with all the secrecy, I’ve greatly appreciated the efforts the Captain has made to facilitate our procedures.

As the elevator moves toward the docks, I straighten my jacket. The first thing I requested from Anderson was that I would be allowed to be present when Shepard was taken into custody. I didn’t want to be watching from some obscured balcony or hiding out of sight. I wanted to be able to make sure she was safe. And that meant being beside her as much as possible. It will become almost impossible to escort her personally once she leaves for the safe-house, but at least right now I can still do something for her. She’ll never be able to know just how much I’ve done to protect her. Once she’s in that cell, there’s a good chance I’ll never see Kira again. At least this way I can try and communicate to her that I still care.

I step out into the corridor and nod at the C-Sec officers across the way. They’re locking all the doors, ensuring there is no route of escape – just in case. I swallow nervously, grimacing as my migraine tension begins to squeeze like two giant hands pressing against my temples. Everyone knows that if Shepard tries to fight her way out, the only way to stop her will be to block as many exits as possible. Hackett apparently negotiated for an arms-free surrender, but I’m hoping that she won’t make a rash decision. Nobody wants this mission to end in bloodshed.

_Please, Kira, don’t do anything stupid. Please._

The dock is dead silent, and if it weren’t for the line of uniformed individuals standing along the edge of the walkway, I would think that the place was utterly abandoned. As I pass, the C-Sec officers and Alliance personnel bow their heads. Grey faces and pinched lips, tense muscles and readied weapons... Everyone is only too aware that this hand-over could go wrong in a split second. I only hope we’re ready in case it does.

I move to the far end of the dock, my eyes locking onto a moving crescent of light in the distance. I activate my omni-tool. “I’ve got a visual. Activate Haven protocol – good luck, everyone.”

The moving sliver of light speeds toward the dock, the trailing blue exhaust from the four antiproton thrusters creating streaks of colour across the Citadel skyline as it comes. Now it’s close enough for me to make out the yellow and white stripes down the sides of the cruiser. The Normandy SR2 decelerates as the docking alarm sounds above us. The clamps across the bay begin to shift, releasing steam as they unlock and ready to receive the frigate.

Anderson reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’m right with you, Alenko. We’ll get through this.”

I nod, trying to convince myself that he’s right. But it’s easier said than done. The knots inside my gut are only becoming more tangled with each passing moment.

The Normandy glides toward us with a heady hum, her engines purring delightfully as she passes through the atmospheric shield. Her thrusters give one last, controlled burst, just enough to send her the rest of the way into her docking bay. The clamps lower down onto her wings with a gentle thud. Now a passageway extends from the side of the docking bridge until it just touches the Normandy’s shell.

_This is it._

The alarm shuts off as the Normandy’s systems begin to power down. I let out my breath, suddenly realising that I’ve been holding it for several seconds.

The C-Sec officers around me immediately take up their pre-arranged formation – a corridor of men line up along either side of the passageway entrance, drawing their rifles apprehensively. The Alliance officers form a V-shaped group behind me, their weapons ready and aimed at the Normandy’s airlock. Anderson, Bailey and I are standing directly opposite the door, and as I hear the locking clamps release, I fight to keep control of my anxiety. In my mind I’m secretly praying that there is no assassin watching from high above us, waiting for Shepard to emerge so he can take the shot...

A hiss sounds from the other end of the passageway. The airlock has equalised.

“Any second now,” Bailey murmurs to his men.

The exterior door slides back, and then the inner airlock follows suit. A figure stands at the back of the airlock, cloaked in shadow. Even from this distance I know who it is – her hair catches the faintest ray of light and the sight of rusty auburn locks make my knees weaken. With slow and deliberate movements, she steps towards us. But as she moves out to stand in the light, I find myself gaping at her in shock.

Gone are the hideous, glowing scars that had once been carved into her porcelain skin. Now her face is almost exactly as it had been two years ago, except for some signs of age around the corners of her eyes. They are the only evidence of hours of grief that had probably gone unnoticed by her crew. Her lips are firmly set – not even a tremor of happiness emerges at the sight of me. Instead, Shepard’s irises are dark, her face utterly downcast. Never before have I seen defeat so clearly written in her eyes.

Kira Shepard is dressed in a black and white formal uniform, and now as she straightens her shoulders and raises her head to meet my gaze, I realise that her hand is moving toward her coat. The C-Sec officers raise their guns immediately. Bailey is about to shout a warning, but he stops as Shepard’s fingers close around the Cerberus patch on the chest of her jacket. Her fingernails dig into the offending piece of fabric, and with a sudden jerk of her wrist, she tears it away. The sound of ripping fabric is hauntingly loud in the deathly silence.

Kira holds the embroidered badge in her hand for a long moment, staring at the symbol with growing disgust. Then she slowly tips up her hand. The patch falls to the ground, landing at her feet soundlessly.

“Do what you have to do,” She says quietly, the deep timbre of her voice sending a shudder down my spine. “I will not fight you.”

At that moment, the airlock door hisses, and we turn to see more than two dozen people walking down the ramp. They too are dressed in white and black uniforms. A young woman steps to the front of the group, her red hair bouncing slightly as she strides toward Shepard.

“Commander!” She calls out.

Kira turns, looking over her shoulder in incredulity. “Kelly, you don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, we do,” The woman says quietly, “You said to us once that humanity needs to stand together. And we’re going to do exactly that: Stand together. With you.” She raises her hand and salutes, and the others behind her raise their hands to their foreheads as well. “Where you go, we’ll go too.” Kelly reaches up to her shoulder and grips her Cerberus badge. “Commander Shepard – you saved our lives. We’ll never be able to repay you. So instead we’ll just say thank you.”

Tears sting my eyes as I hear the resounding echoes of ripping – all the crew are doing exactly what the Commander had done just moments before. Now they toss the Cerberus patches to the ground.

The C-Sec officers let their guns lower, their eyes widening in admiration as the Normandy’s crew rally together, standing proudly behind their fallen leader.

“If you are going to arrest Commander Shepard,” Kelly announces, “Then you’ll have to arrest me too.”

“And me,” Kenneth Donnelly steps forward with Gabby Daniels by his side.

“You’ll have to take me as well,” she echoes, her hand gravitating toward Kenneth’s arm.

Rupert Gardener folds his arms with a cocky smile, “We go together.”

“I’ll second that,” Doctor Chakwas nods with determination.

“If the Commander is going, we all go.” Joker limps through the group, leaning heavily on a black cane. Everyone moves to allow him through, and after struggling down the ramp, he comes to a stop just in front of me. “I’d follow Shepard into hell and back if I could. We all would. She is the greatest,” He says gently, turning to look at Kira through eyes shining with tears, “The strongest, most self-sacrificing and loyal woman I’ve ever met. She deserves nothing less.”

“She fought the Collectors just to rescue us,” Kelly interjects. “If it wasn’t for her, we would have died.”

“I have lost count of the number of times I had to stitch her up after a mission.” Chakwas shakes her head, “But she never complained. And she bought me a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy – just because she knew I liked it.”

“Shepard even wrangled a new set of FBA couplings for the Normandy to save us maintenance time.” Gabby adds eagerly. “She didn’t have to do it, but she did – she visited us engineers when she had down time and played poker with us in the mess.”

“We lost, by the way,” Kenneth mutters before Gabby elbows him swiftly in the stomach.

“She even liked my calamari gumbo,” Gardener cuts in, nodding factually.

The rest of the crew laughs faintly at this.

“Commander Shepard, you sacrificed your time and safety for us,” Joker says gently, reaching out to put a hand on her arm. His eyes turn on me with dark rage. “And if she has to go to prison for that, then we’ll gladly surrender. Because there is nowhere Shepard could go that we wouldn’t follow her.”

Kira is staring at the ground, her eyes closed against the tears. Her shoulders shake with emotion as Kelly moves forward to hug her.

“I’m so sorry,” Shepard whispers.

“Don’t be. We’re not – it was the best,” Kelly smiles as she releases the Commander. “Good luck, Shepard.”

The crew steps back now, their heads bowed as Bailey pulls a pair of handcuffs from his belt.

“Kira Shepard, you are under arrest for crimes against the Alliance, for collusion with terrorists, and for the destruction of the Alpha Relay. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be taken down as evidence and may be used against you in a court of law...” He proceeds to read her the full list of rights, and once he’s done, he fastens the cuffs around her wrists.

Bailey nods, and two C-Sec officers step forward. They gently grasp Shepard by the arm and are about to lead her away, but suddenly I am compelled forward.

“Wait,” I exclaim, “No. Captain Bailey, please, if you will allow me, I’d like to personally escort the Commander.”

I reach for her arm, and she looks sideways at me from beneath her long lashes. A strand of hair falls across her face as she gives a gentle nod. Bailey’s mouth falls open slightly as he watches Shepard’s tension immediately vaporise. He raises his eyebrow in surprise but finally gives his men the signal to step down. The Officers relinquish her into my custody, and as my hand comes to rest softly on her shoulder, I feel a shudder rush through her. She doesn’t even try to fight me. I guide her down the dock, my arm resting protectively across her shoulders as we emerge through the doors onto the presidium. Almost instantly the waiting crowd erupts in a roar of questions and accusations. C-Sec officers form a circle around us, escorting us through the raging tumult of noise and into a waiting sky-car.

Once the vehicle is in the air, I let go of Shepard’s arm. Kira turns away from me, not wanting me to see her face as the emotional turmoil catches up with her. But I can’t miss the quivering, deep breaths, the hushed sighs... I know that she’s crying. Shepard cries so silently, always fighting back the tears. She always has to be strong, but more than anything I wish I could tell her to just let go. But the C-Sec officer and the driver in the front seats would hear, and the last thing I want to do is embarrass her any more than she already has been.

After several minutes, the car slows and turns off toward one of the downtown C-Sec buildings. From the outside it looks just like any other accommodation tower, but instead of apartments, the levels house top-security containment cells. As we enter the garage below the building, several more officers emerge from an elevator to meet us. I help Kira out of the car. She doesn’t even so much as shrug my hand away as I keep her close. Shepard’s being here in C-Sec worries me. This is the only part of Operation Safe Haven that I have no control over. I’m not sure if the Cerberus assassin has found a way into the organisation – they might even be in this room right now.

“Stay close,” I tell her quietly.

She doesn’t answer.

With a nod toward the officers, we step into the elevator. C-Sec has gotten used to seeing me hanging around, so they give me no trouble as I escort her down the halls past all the locked doors. Finally I stop outside the last holding cell. I put my thumb against the access pad and the door immediately swings open. I walk in with her, but even now Kira won’t look at me. She walks over to the barred window, her eyes ignoring the dull grey walls and sparsely furnished room. Right now she’s more interested in searching out the stars glinting beyond the clouds of the Nebula.

I gently unlock the cuffs, sliding them off her wrist. “That should help,” I tell her kindly, but Kira doesn’t respond. She pulls her hands away from me, folding them across her chest defensively.

“Kira—I mean, uh, Shepard...” My voice breaks a little as I move to her left, only to have her turn away from me again. “I... I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head slightly.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you on Horizon. And... And I’m sorry for writing what I did,” I offer tentatively, feeling like a total fool. I can’t see her face. I have little to no hope that she’ll forgive me – and she’d have every right to kick me out of here right now. “I... I wasn’t sure if it was even you. I needed proof when I should have trusted you.”

Shepard’s head falls slightly to one side, and I can’t help but think that she’s _wanting_ to ignore me... Is it that she can’t avoid me in this small room? Or does she want to give me one last opportunity? I’m not sure, but since I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to her again after today, I decide to take my chances.

“I’m a stubborn ass sometimes. And when people started to talk about you and Cerberus, it just broke my heart. I wanted to tell them that they were all wrong, that the woman I loved wouldn’t do that. I didn’t dare hope that you were alive. And then to see you on Horizon and to find out you were working for the enemy...” I let my voice trail off.

“You felt betrayed,” Shepard interrupts. “I understood that, Kaidan, but—”

“I reacted like a fool,” I add, trying to keep my voice level. “You were everything to me, Kira. _Everything_. When Garrus called me emotional, he was right. I was. And I took it out on you when I shouldn’t have.”

“Kaidan,” Kira raises a hand to her head, gently massaging the bridge of her nose, “I don’t blame you for that. I... I thought about it for a long time. I said so many things of my own that I regret. And you know, in the end you were right about Cerberus.”

I stare at the ground. “I treated you badly, Kira. And you have every right to be angry with me.”

“I was,” She murmurs after a moment of silence. “I was so angry, Kaidan. And I still am in many ways. Out of everyone – my friends, my crew – I was so overjoyed to see you standing there. And you... You just lashed out at me, like I was the enemy, the aggressor, the direct threat against you and the Alliance when you _knew_ better than anyone that I only wanted to help.” She spins about and looks me straight in the eye. Her mahogany irises are glinting with a deep fire, and despite her rage, I find myself drawn to her. Her makeup is slightly smudged from crying. I resist the urge to reach out and wipe away the faint trickle of black that has made its way down her cheek. “You let me go and fight the battle on my own when you promised me once that you would always be there.”

Shame overwhelms me. “I did promise you. But you were with Cerberus! I just can’t trust them.”

“So that made it okay for you to break your promise.”

“There is nothing I can say.” I shake my head. “I thought I was right, Shepard. And I was too blind to see the truth.”

“You still are!” She exclaims, swiping furiously at the hot tears rolling down her face. “You still can’t see it, can you? All this time, Kaidan, and you still can’t see past the uniform.” She sinks down on the bench beneath the window. “My colours matter to you more than my heart does. Until that changes, maybe we’re better off this way. At least now you don’t have to worry about me going out and destroying another system. I’ll be locked up with all the other dangerous criminals.”

Her words are like a dagger to my gut. I choke on my words. “Kira—”

“ _Don’t_!” She launches to her feet. “Don’t try and tell me that you’re sorry, because if you truly were, you’d leave me to grieve in peace. I just lost my ship, my crew, _hell_ Kaidan, I just lost my family. So let me have this one last request, and just walk away.” With that, Shepard turns her back on me once more and shuts me out. She’s standing right here, but her eyes are miles away.

I let my head fall foward in defeat.

 _So that’s it then_.

I turn and walk out of the room, my feet dragging against the carpet. I can barely lift them. I feel so exhausted, so drained...

_I had one chance to tell her that I was wrong. And I mucked it up. Well done, Alenko. Well done._

I must be the biggest idiot on the whole Citadel. I honestly don’t know what thought is worse: Knowing that I will never see her again, or knowing that she’s sitting there alone and in tears, thinking of me with disdain.

 

* * *

 

 

I step out of the apartment building and into a narrow alley. Garbage cans line the wall to my left. Above me are the winding stairs of a fire escape, and I find myself staring up through the rungs of the structure toward the pale clouds of the nebula above. The pavement beneath my feet is slick with sludge and cigarette butts. The smell of nicotine hangs in the air; it clings to my sweaty skin as I walk wearily toward the nearby street.

I can see why C-Sec uses this place. It is in one of the dingiest ghettos on the Citadel – the only place I know where the buildings aren’t polished and expensive, and the people prefer tobacco and alcohol to fine clothes and jobs. This is the one place on the Citadel where the nightlife consists of muggings and robberies, and where nobody ever admits to going willingly.

My heart has never felt so heavy. Dark clouds swirl across my vision. The world around me slowly sinks into a blurred vapour, an unsettling haze of images and memories. The migraine flares back up almost as soon as I breathe in the cool night air. The pain is crippling. I moan aloud as stabs of paralysing pain sear through my cranium, and with little other choice, I let myself fall against the brick wall. I sink to the ground slowly, still holding my head. For several moments I close my eyes, fighting to remain conscious.

Suddenly I’m aware of a presence. My head is still hanging down, balancing on my clenched fists, but even from this position I can see a pair of black leather boots planted firmly in front of me. Silver buckles glint in the faint light. They certainly aren’t Alliance or C-Sec issue. I travel further up the leg – khaki slacks, a low-hanging belt with studs, and... Tattoos. _Lots_ of tattoos.

“So this is what you Alliance types do for kicks, huh?”

The woman’s voice is rough, but distinctly feminine... And familiar.

“Wow. Guess Shepard was wrong about you, Alenko – she said you were the strongest Biotic she’d ever met. Just my luck to find out that my only worthy opponent is half-pissed and skulking around an alley.”

I force my head up at this comment to see that I’m being addressed by one of Shepard’s old team – the woman who had been with her on Horizon. I remember her distinctly. It’s a bit hard to forget a beautiful face. Especially one that wears dark eyeliner, tattoos on the sides of her head and... Well, little more than the bare essentials on her upper half.

To say I’m surprised is an understatement. I figured that the rest of Shepard’s crew had most likely gotten off the Normandy while they had the chance. Turns out that some were obviously keener to get to the Citadel than I had first thought.

“So?” She folds her arms and glowers down at me with frustration. “Are you just going to sit there?”

“Right now... Yeah. Yeah I think I am.” I groan and lower my head back onto my folded arms.

“Ugh.” I hear a shuffling sound, then the faint shriek of a rat scuttling back into cover. Jack swears, then stomps back to stand in front of me again. “I don’t have all night. You want to hear what I have to say or not?”

I frown and pull myself a little more upright. “I get the feeling I’m not really being offered a choice.”

“Too right you’re not,” She growls, leaning in toward my face. “You’re going to listen real closely to what I’m going to say – and no arguing.”

I quickly get to my feet and taking a few steps back. “What’s this about...?”

“Jack. The name is Jack,” she bites out, moving to stand in my personal space. She rattles off some more nasty language. “Do you even know what you did to her? Shepard trusted you!” Her dark eyes narrow menacingly. “If she didn’t love you so damn much, I’d smash you right now.”

“Shepard doesn’t love me,” I mutter angrily, “She just told me as much. So you could go ahead, I don’t think she’d care.”

“Oh good! The girl scout has grown a brain then,” Jack spits. “So she didn’t tell you about that photo on her desk? Or the hours she spent taking out her frustration over you on a punching bag? Or that one time I offered _her_ counselling instead of the other way around? Because, hell, I’ve never seen anyone screw with her head quite like you did.”

My mouth falls open. “Wait – what photo?”

“The photo of you that she kept on her office desk. Right before hitting the Omega Four Relay she went and sat by herself in her quarters. She was staring at it for _hours_ , probably reliving her regrets or something. I watched her for a minute – but she was so caught up in her thoughts she didn’t even know I was there.” Jack folds her arms and shrugs. “I thought Shepard was a Cerberus groupie the first time I met her. She was flying their ship, carrying their weapons, making nice with their cheerleaders. But when she got that email you sent her, I saw her get angry. _Real_ angry. She hated being with Cerberus, and she hated you for not believing her.”

“You... You read my email?” I exclaim in shock.

“Will you just _stop_ being so self-focused for a second and _listen_?”

I lift both open palms in submission, “Sorry.”

Jack sighs, “Look, she offered it to me to read, okay?”

I raise my brows in scepticism. “Okay, that may be true, but how did you know to find me here?”

“Oh please, I followed you.” Jack rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips. “Your C-Sec vehicle was lit up like a f-... flare. Wasn’t hard to keep track of – even with all that dodging and diving your driver did. Woman drives like a bat outta hell.”

“Our vehicle?” Confusion hits me and I frown as I try to figure out what on earth Jack is talking about. “I didn’t bring a C-Sec vehicle – our skycar was unmarked.”

“Are you kidding me?” Jack throws her hands up in the air. “I saw it clear as day! The officer parked it out the front when you went inside. I heard her call you by name – Commander Kaidan Alenko, right?”

Now I’m very confused. I take another step back. “I’m telling you, that wasn’t me.” Then it hits me – I was right. The assassin _is_ inside C-Sec! Faking my presence would be as simple as using a holo-emitter. The assassin would only need to use my image as a distraction get past the C-Sec guards. And that would explain her calling me ‘Commander’, since my promotion to Major hasn’t exactly been public knowledge. Anderson has tried to keep the whole ‘special division’ project quiet. The C-Sec officers wouldn’t have even spotted the difference...

I swing into action, my migraine instantly forgotten as I grab Jack by the arms. “How long ago did you see the car arrive?”

Her body glows fiercely blue as she pulls back, her teeth bared at me. “Don’t touch me!”

“Jack, please listen! Shepard is in grave danger, and I need you to tell me: How long ago did the C-Sec car arrive, and what did the driver look like?”

My companion suddenly calms down, her eyes widening. “Hell – you’re serious about this, aren’t you?”

“Jack!” I’m gritting my teeth in growing panic.

“Okay – it was only two minutes ago, I swear. The driver was a woman – tall, dark-haired and fair as s-... snow.”

“And where did she go? Did she go inside?”

“Yeah, but she came right back out again. She couldn’t have been in there for more than a minute. That’s when I came around the side to look for a way in...” Jack’s voice trails off and her jaw slackens. “Oh hell —that’s when I found you... Here.”

Suddenly her eyes dart down to my chest, and Jack’s irises dilate. “ _Get down!”_ A blinding flash of blue overwhelms me, and there is a powerful tingling sensation as she picks me up and hurls me across the alley. Somewhere beyond the sound of rushing wind I can hear a bullet ricochet off bricks.

I land on my side, my right arm taking most of the impact as my body slams into the brick wall. I crumple to the ground, gasping for air. Suddenly, as I’m lying there on the concrete, everything falls into place – a decoy, a disguise, only being in the building for a moment before leaving, then trying to kill me from a distance...

_From a distance!_

My implant flares as I struggle to my feet. Immediately I grab my gun and limp toward the street, scanning for enemies as I go.

_I need to get Shepard out of there!_

Damn – Jack is gone. I activate my barrier as I run toward the entrance of the apartment building. As I push it open, the glass door lands hard against the wall, causing all the officers to look up at me with shock.

“Alenko,” one addresses me with surprise. “What’s wrong?”

“Get everyone out!” I yell, “Quickly!”

“Sir – you just said—”

“That wasn’t me! Now listen to me – there is a bomb in the building. _Evacuate the premises_!” I run toward the elevator, praying that I can reach Shepard’s cell in time. As I start to run, I hear the officers calling for backup.

But when the elevator doors open, I see it: A briefcase, with a faintly glowing blue light just beneath the handle. It’s flashing rapidly. I turn to see a dark figure across the street – holding a transmitter that is flashing the same color.

_Too late!_

I hit the button for the elevator to go to the basement level, and then I turn to run. As I do, I catch a glimpse of two C-Sec officers escorting Shepard down the hall. She’s too far away from me, on the opposite side the building. She’d have to run past the elevator to reach the street, and there’s not enough time.

“Shepard – there’s a bomb!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

I do the only thing I can think of – I unleash a biotic throw in her direction. Then, in the split second that follows, I sprint for the front doors. I’m gritting my teeth, hoping beyond hope that I can make it...

But I’m not fast enough.

The world around me disappears in a wave of searing white heat.


	13. Cooperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finds himself in the unlikely position of working with Shepard again. Despite his emotions encouraging him to trust her, Kaidan is finding it very difficult to just let go of all the hurt. But the assassin is still out there, waiting for them to make a mistake...

**\--2186--**

 

Consciousness slowly returns me to the waking world, dragging me out of that pit of slumber. I feel as though somebody has grasped me by the arm and is pulling my helpless body over a seemingly endless mound of jagged rocks. Pain tears at my limbs, heat pounding down on my back, blistering hot fumes rushing into my lungs while I gasp for air. Even now a thought lingers in the front of my mind, ringing out like an alarm.

_Shepard..._

I struggle to breathe. The scorching, putrid smoke pervades my nostrils and throat, and I cough violently.

_Kira!_

I need to find her. She was in there, inside the building when...

_“Shepard – there’s a bomb!”_

I remember seeing her face, staring down the hall at me. Her eyes had widened in shock when I had yelled her name. She had been standing between two C-Sec guards, but she had sprung backwards when my biotic throw hurtled towards her...

Oh hell. Did she even make it? Was I too late?

I strain to push myself off the ground a little, balancing painfully on my bloodied palms.

“Kira?” I croak before lapsing into a fit of coughs. “Shepard!”

My own voice sounds terribly far away, like an echo in a noisy auditorium. My ears are throbbing. I can barely hear myself – the rest of the world is almost entirely silent. I try to look up. My neck aches in protest, but I ignore the pain. I force my head to the side, blinking through ash-coated eyelashes to catch a glimpse of the building above me.

It is utterly consumed in flames. The lower floors have all but been scorched – the only thing stopping the whole apartment from collapsing in on itself are the concrete and steel pillars. But even they are buckling dangerously beneath the strain of four storeys of weight. Flames are licking from the windows, sending choking clouds of smoke into the air. I bite back a cry of horror as I see the bodies lying in the street. Some have been reduced to little more than distorted limbs, but others are the result of hapless bystanders being caught in the blast. How many? At least a dozen that I can see, perhaps more...

I can’t think straight. My eyes struggle to focus but I push on. I scan the faces, all the while selfishly praying that Kira’s isn’t one of them...

“Shepard!” I yell again, this time a little clearer.

Suddenly a shadow falls over me, and a hand reaches down to gently cup my jaw.

“Kaidan – it’s alright. I’m here.”

Shepard wraps her arm around my shoulders, gently turning me onto my back so I can see her better.

I let my chin rest on the warm skin of her palm, feeling utterly spent in just these small efforts. “I tried... to warn them...”

“It’s alright, Kaidan.” I strain to hear her through the ringing in my ears. It’s like trying to listen to a voice calling out to me through water as I sink further beneath the surface.

Kira leans over me, and I smile faintly as I see her familiar eyes, her white skin stained with ash, her hair tangled and hurriedly swept behind her ear... She looks so beautiful against this eerie sky of flames.

“Just hang in there,” She says gently, “I’ll get you out of here.”

“The assassin...”

Kira’s gaze darkens. Suddenly her head snaps up and her eyes widen in horror.

My mouth goes dry. My senses send a jolt of electricity through my muscles. Adrenaline rushes through my veins in response to the sight of the menacing red dot dancing across her chest. My hands thrust upward and push hard against Kira’s shoulders. She falls back with a small cry just as the gun goes off. Concrete dust sprays from a new bullet hole in the wall behind her, and I release my held breath.

My energy is almost utterly spent. I collapse back on my back, fighting to stay conscious.

Kira launches up, springing out of the way of the next shot with ease. The bullet glances off a steel pillar and embeds itself in some partially melted tar. I tilt my head to one side, urging my sore body to move just slightly so I can see what’s happening. Shepard has disappeared from my view, but I can hear gunfire nearby.

I struggle to hoist my upper body up. Leaning on my forearm, I summon every last ounce of biotic energy that I possibly can. I clench my teeth against the pain. Then, through the blur of smoke and pain, I see the assassin, cloaked and sprinting across the road toward me. She’s fast, but her cloak is damaged – the image is flickering slightly, giving away her position. Kira is close on her heels. Shepard has found a gun, and has it raised in the woman’s direction, but she’s not close enough to get a clear shot.

I need to do something!

I ball up my fist and concentrate all my power into my fingers. Then, with a loud groan, I hurl the wave of blue toward the assassin.

I hear a shriek, but weakness overwhelms me.

The sound of a fist connecting with somebody’s jaw... A sickening thud as a body hits the ground... An enraged growl followed by a breathless cry...

I sink my head down against my arms.

“I’m not through, Shepard!”

“Good – I’m looking forward to another chance to kick your ass.”

I almost want to laugh, but it would take too much effort. And it seems my body has other plans. With a sigh I give in – I’ve lost this battle.

The darkness of sleep claims me once more.

 

* * *

 

 

A gentle rocking motion stirs me the second time. At first it feels as though I’m falling, being carried away to safety by a strong wind. In the foggy corners of my disoriented mind, I can still smell the smoke in my nostrils, taste the ash on my dry tongue...

Ash. Ashley?

For the briefest moment, Ashley Williams’ face flashes across my mind. She’s smiling down at me from a distance, her dark hair hanging in wild strands about her forehead.

“Hang in there, L-T,” She whispers, “You’re almost there.”

“Almost where?” I choke out.

Ashley laughs and shakes her head. “Now that would be telling.” Now her face turns serious. “Just remember that you’re doing the right thing, okay? And take care of the Commander for me.”

I jump as an explosion rips through the mirage, sending a spasm of terrified electricity through my limbs. “No!” I yell, clawing my way through the darkness in vain. “Ash, no!” My body jolts in a desperate attempt to flee, knowing that at any second...

Suddenly a hand wraps around mine. Warm fingers tenderly stroke my palm and in the midst of my blind terror I hear a kind, strong voice in my ear...

“It’s okay, Kaidan. It’s okay. It’s not real.”

_Too much death... Too many people lost..._

“Kaidan. Can you hear me?”

_Why can’t I move?_

“Kaidan!”

_Shepard... Help me..._

 

* * *

 

 

My eyes flicker open. Blinking, I realise that my head is resting against a cushioned surface. My jaw aches from my clenched teeth – how long have I been here? And where exactly am I?

The world around me lurches, and the contents of my stomach spiral with it. I groan in complaint. Forcing my head up, I reach up to rub my aching neck, and in doing so I find myself staring at the faint blue fabric upholstery of a car seat. I wrestle with my exhaustion in an attempt to focus – there is a window beside me, and through the glass I can see a myriad of colours whirling past in a blinding array of light.

 “Welcome back,” a familiar voice cajoles.

Shepard is sitting to my left, her eyes flicking between the windscreen of the skycar and my face. Her brows are furrowed slightly in the middle, creases working their way across her pearl white skin as she studies me anxiously. I glance down and gawk in surprise when she rapidly retracts her hand from mine.

“You were having a nightmare, Kaidan – I was worried. I wouldn’t have woken you otherwise,” She says gently in response to my confused expression. “How do you feel?”

I let my mouth drop open before quickly clamping it shut again. “How... How did we get a car?”

Kira’s brow arches in unvoiced perplexity, but all the while her mouth remains perfectly taut. “Seriously? I just saved your life and you want to know where I got the _car_?”

I stifle a moan with my hand. “You’re right... Ugh. “Sorry... I’m not... I’m not really thinking straight.”

Shepard shakes her head slightly, turning the steering wheel gently. “You took quite a tumble back there. I’m surprised you’re thinking at all.”

It’s my turn to look bewildered. “I’ll try to take that comment in a positive light.” I shift in my seat, turning my body so that I’m no longer lying on my side. My wrenched shoulder is screaming at me, and I bite my lip in an attempt to ignore the pain. I relax against the headrest, taking in the vast array of stars above us. Vibrant, shimmering clouds of amethyst and sapphire swirl across the nebula-scape. We must still be on the Citadel, though I really have no idea where. “Now that I’m partially conscious, do you mind telling me what exactly is going on here, Shepard?”

“Are you sure you’re up for it?” Kira’s brow wrinkles slightly again, her eyes surveying my battered uniform.

“Do I have a choice?” I wince as the skycar’s sudden movement sends my elbow into the side of the door. “You’re the one driving.”

“Yes, I am.” Kira smirks at me. “And that means there are rules, Alenko.”

My eyes widen in disbelief. “What?”

“Rules,” Shepard reiterates, her eyes glinting at me knowingly. “Like this one – first, you won’t call in the Alliance, or your squad, or anyone else until this is resolved.”

“Shepard,” I moan in frustration, swiping my sleeve across my face. “You’ve got to be kidding—”

“ _Second_ ,” Kira cuts me off, holding up her hand to curtail the surge of remonstrations from my lips, “You aren’t to do anything without telling me first.”

“Wait! Are we suddenly working together now?” I exclaim in disbelief.

“It appears that way,” Kira rejoins, smirking at my obvious discomfort. “That is, unless you’d prefer it if I left you lying in that street? Because I can always turn the car around—”

“Oh for goodness sake.” I cradle my throbbing cranium in my bloodied palms. “Look, I won’t do anything rash, okay? Just tell me what’s going on.”

She studies my face for a moment, and then returns her attention to the traffic. “First, why don’t you tell me why Anderson assigned you to protect me from Cerberus?”

A sharp breath causes my lungs to react violently. I double over in my seat, coughing and spluttering. “How... How...”

“How did I know?” Kira snorts quietly and shakes her head. “Give me a little bit of credit, Kaidan. Cerberus didn’t replace my brain with tech – I can still think just fine. What was the code name for your mission I wonder? Operation D-Day?”

I roll my eyes at the subtle pun. “Safe haven, actually.” I cross my arms and glower at her from beneath furrowed brows. “Have you finished taunting me now?”

“Not yet, but the rest of my repertoire can wait until we reach a motel.”

“Motel!” I bluster, running my hands along my pounding temples. “Damn it, Shepard, what are you doing? First your safe-house _explodes_ , next you steal a car, and now you’re telling me that you knew about my top-secret operation all along. Something isn’t adding up here – and last I checked, it wasn’t my brain that got damaged in that blast.” I grimace as I notice a shred of fabric has been tied in a sling around my wounded limb. “Care to share? Or do I have to play twenty questions with you all night?”

Shepard sends a glare at me, and in her irises I see a million fiery daggers all pointed straight at my throat. “I just saved your life back there, Alenko. If you want to see a threat in that, then you go right ahead. But if you’ll just trust me for five minutes then maybe...” Her voice trails off and she frowns. “No, you don’t want to. You don’t want to believe that I could possibly do something to help you after all this.”

“Shepard!” I groan in frustration. At the stubborn scowl on her face, I resign myself to my fate, throwing my free hand in the air. “Fine, I won’t argue. Just... Just start from the beginning.”

Kira watches me from the corner of her eye. “No interruptions.”

I let out a heavy sigh and nod. “None.”

Shepard’s expression is an obvious fusion of both power and reluctance, but despite her doubts she commences her recount.

“When you warned me about the bomb, I didn’t have anywhere to go. There was no way out as long as I was cuffed and surrounded by C-Sec officers. But your throw caught them off guard, and I took my chance. There was a door a little way down the hall behind me. When the throw hit the officers, I managed to get free and reach the next room. The bomb went off just as I shut the door, and I was sure for a moment...” She grits her teeth at that thought, and pushes it away. “Well a few moments later I realised that I was lying on the floor and the building was on fire.

“I found that the windows had blown out. I climbed out through one into a side alley. At first I thought that you were still trapped inside the building, but that’s when I heard you calling me. You had a dislocated shoulder when I found you. I knew we were exposed out in the street – no shelter, no weapons. And when the assassin took the shot, I knew she was after both of us. I saw her trying to hide behind a car across the way and I went after her. She tried to run – only I caught her.”

“Did you see her face?” I query, but quickly bite my tongue as Shepard practically snarls at me.

“ _No_ interruptions.” Kira stretches her shoulders slightly as she shifts in her seat. “Yes, I saw her face. Though I doubt she has the same one now – she’s a professional. I saw pigment discolouration along the edge of her neck. It’s a clever disguising technique: Injections designed to alter the tone of the skin, the colour of the eyes. But even the best assassins know that after too many procedures, the existing melanin begins to dissipate around the crease of the neck.” At my startled expression, Kira elaborates, “I’ve never used it myself, but in N7 training we were warned about elite operatives who alter their appearances at a biological level.

“I knew she wouldn’t give me a second chance. I had to get it right the first time. I was unarmed, so I ran at her and she knocked me to the pavement. That’s when I saw her Cerberus weapon. I knew the Illusive Man sent her – but that was hardly surprising. Truth is I had been expecting somebody to try and come after me when I told him I was taking the Normandy back.” She shakes her head with amusement. “Anyway, I wasn’t going to let her get the better of me. Whoever she was, she didn’t show much appreciation for the kick I gifted to her intestines. She limped off to a skycar down the road. That’s when I found the keys for this vehicle lying next to a body.” She shudders, “It wasn’t a nice thing to do, but I figured at least we were better off moving than grovelling in the ashes just _waiting_ for the next hit.”

I nod slowly as her words sink in. “So what now? She’s still out there somewhere and we have no way of finding her.”

Kira bites her lip. “Well... That’s not entirely true.”

My eyes widen as I burst out, “What did you do?”

“I was given a C-Sec tracking bracelet when I was imprisoned – and the clasp broke in the blast. So I took a chance and slipped it into her pocket. I figured that with her location on my omni-tool, we could find somewhere low-key to bunk down and wait it out. I have a contact who I think could help us. I just need to find a secure terminal to contact her.”

I’m not sure whether to laugh at the spontaneous genius of the move, or cringe at Shepard’s recklessness. “Wait a second. You tackled the assassin just so you could plant a tracker on her?”

“What else was I supposed to do? Oh that’s right – run for my life and leave you to die, I forgot.” She shoots daggers at me from her eyes. “You already had me figured for a traitor. You wanted me to live up to your expectations.”

“Yeah well you have to admit that it’s all...” I roll my eyes at my own stupidity and swallow the words.

But it’s too late.

Shepard’s eyes flare at the unspoken accusation. “What? It’s all _what_ , Alenko? Just say it.”

“Convenient! It’s _convenient._ ” I spit the vile thought out and immediately regret it.

The skycar suddenly seems ominously silent.

“So you think I did this.” Kira’s fingers grip the steering wheel tightly, her knuckles blanching white beneath the pincer-like pressure she’s exerting on the leather.

“I didn’t say that—”

“Dammit, Kaidan!” The sudden explosion of Kira’s voice shakes me, and I flinch as her fist crashes down on the sideboard. “Why can’t you just believe me? Just once? _Why?_ ”

“Because every time I want to believe you, something happens to unravel everything you just said. And the truth is that I just can’t bring myself to trust you again, Shepard. Not after you let me grieve for two years!” I rub my eyes and give into the rising anger. “You just left me there. Alone. Do you even know how that felt?”

“I don’t know, Kaidan – maybe a little bit like being cut off from the only life I knew? Maybe like being trapped inside a terrorist organisation. Maybe a bit like being _blackmailed_ into cooperation, and maybe, just maybe, like spending every free moment at bars, trying to drown my sorrows in a glass of Ryncol.”

My stomach pitches again as Shepard tugs on the wheel and sends the skycar down a narrow street.

“Believe what you want, Alenko. If thinking I’m a Cerberus traitor makes you feel more comfortable with behaving like a jackass, then fine. But I’m telling the truth.”

I bite on my lip, turning to stare out the side window in shame.

Shepard gently noses the sky car into an obscured parking garage. It’s late, and the area is mostly empty. But across the way sits a motorcycle. It flashes its headlight, and Kira returns the signal – two brief flashes.

I decide to voice the obvious. “You’re meeting someone?”

Kira’s only response comes in the form of a brief dip of her head. She shifts the skycar into a parking space. “Wait here. I won’t be a minute.”

“I’ll come,” I offer a little too quickly, moving to open my door.

I hesitate, searching her eyes for any indication of hostility. I am half expecting her to tear me to shreds right there, or maybe put a gun to my head and tie me up. To my suspicious mind, this whole setup almost seems like the perfect exchange – is her friend waiting for Shepard to hand me over as a hostage? I instantly sense her frustration. It’s like she can read my mind and is waiting for the next absurd conspiracy theory.

Shepard lets out a resigned sigh before stepping out onto the concrete. “Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

I gulp and nod my agreement.

“There you are, Shepard – after that Cerberus bitch whacked you, I wasn’t sure if you’d turn up.” The figure on the motor cycle raises her head and gives Kira a knowing, wicked grin.

“It’s good to see you still care, Jack.”

“Yeah, well,” Jack folds her arms and curls her lip, “Call it what you like, Shepard. This _still_ doesn’t make us friends.” The wild biotic looks me up and down. “And the Alliance poster boy made it too. Great. So are we having a party now or what?”

Shepard rolls her eyes. “Right.”

“Wait,” I interject in confusion, “You knew about this?”

Jack’s face contorts in annoyance. “Shepard, is he going to ask f... stupid questions _every time_ I meet him?”

“I promise he won’t.” Shepard’s elbow meets my abdomen and I grimace at the sharp jab. “Did you bring it?”

“You think I’d lug it all this way just to keep the damn thing? It’s all yours,” Jack smirks with satisfaction. She tosses a duffel bag in my direction. “Hey poster boy! Catch!”

The soft vinyl of the bag belies the heaviness of its contents, so I let the load rest at my feet for a few seconds. “What did you pack in this thing?”

“Everything you’ll need to track down that cheerleader.” Jack swings her leg over the motorcycle. “Just promise me that when you do, Shepard, you’ll put a bullet in her brain? For me?”

Kira laughs and swings the duffel bag over her shoulder. “I’ll send you her badge as a trophy.”

Jack gives Shepard a quick, almost comical salute. She guns her bike’s engine, letting it growl like a beast before letting it free of its leash. The biotic’s unzipped leather jacket flips up as she speeds off, turning the corner easily and disappearing out into the night.

After a moment, Kira reaches down and easily swings the duffel bag over her shoulder. She starts walking back to the skycar.

I shake my head, following a short distance behind. “So she knew that you were going to get out?”

“Yeah – we planned the whole thing.”

I frown as Kira glances back at me over her shoulder with a cheeky grin. “That wasn’t funny, Shepard.”

“I saw her outside C-Sec earlier, okay? I sent her a message on my omnitool and asked her to bring me a few things. I figured we wouldn’t get very far while we’re unarmed and dressed in shredded uniforms.”

I rub my eyes and open the car door. “Right. I didn’t even think of that.”

“And that’s why you need me,” Kira winks, before slipping into her seat. “Now take a look through the bag. There should be a fresh change of clothes and a pistol in there for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

The clock on the dashboard reads 03:50 as we pull into the parking lot of a run-down motel just off the boulevard. The flashing neon sign out the front sparks and splutters, casting an eerie pink glow across the pot-holed asphalt. I shrug on the leather jacket I found in the duffel bag, and slip a fresh thermal clip into my pistol.

“So what’s the plan?” I turn to look at Shepard as she rummages through the carrier’s insides. “I’m guessing you have one?”

“I always have a plan,” She mutters, raising an eyebrow dubiously as she holds a cardboard box up to the light. The picture on the front clearly identifies it as hair dye – a rather bold, crimson shade. “Really, Jack? Don’t you think I’m already red enough?”

“You told her to buy you _hair dye_?” My eyes widen.

“Yeah, but I didn’t exactly ask for ‘vampire red’. I was thinking more along the lines of ‘golden honey’, or ‘sun-kissed sands’.”

I can’t help but smile at the mental image of Shepard as a saucy blonde: flipping that shiny flaxen mane over her shoulder, arching her brows as she levels the barrel of her gun at some hapless, incapacitated mercenary...

“Stop picturing it,” Kira bristles, punching me in the thigh.

Shrugging my good shoulder, I murmur, “Well, at least we know red works.”

Kira’s eyes narrow slightly as she tosses the box back into the bag. She pulls back her ginger hair in an elastic tie, wipes at the dirty smudge on her forehead, and then tugs on a pair of brown leather gloves. “That’s kind of the point. If C-Sec is searching for me, they’ll be looking for a redhead. There may be a subtle difference between auburn and crimson, but we’re talking about C-Sec. ‘Subtle’ isn’t enough.” She looks me up and down. “And even in leather, Alenko, you still look Alliance. Mess up that ‘do a bit will you? We’re not on the Presidium anymore.”

I ruffle the front of my hair a bit. “Better?”

Kira shakes her head.  She leans over and scrounges her fingers around until I can see strands of my hair hanging down in my eyes.

“What have you done?” I groan.

“You’ll live,” She throws back at me over her shoulder as she gets out of the car.

The manager of Harry’s Motor Inn is a middle-aged Turian with a decidedly crooked demeanour. The crick in his neck gives him a leery, almost eager look, and those pincer-like eyes zero in on my face almost the instant I step through that creaking door.

“What can I do for you folks?” He smirks, leaning forward on the counter.

Kira saunters over, her hips swaying delightfully in those skinny jeans Jack had provided. Suddenly the room is feeling rather warm. I don’t remember her being so shapely. Shepard stretches out one slender arm to rest on the counter, and I feel the heat rising to my head as her brown leather jacket rises just slightly to show off her curves.

“A room for two will do just fine,” She purrs, her voice almost dripping with charm. Her fingers unfurl to reveal a several cash bills. “I always pay in advance.”

The Turian is almost tripping over himself now. He nods enthusiastically, the bopping motion of his head reminiscent of a starving vulture. “As a matter of fact, I have the perfect room – number 12, down the end there.” He nods toward one of the doors across the other side of the motel parking lot. “Have a good night,” He leers as Shepard slinks back to me, slipping her arm into mine.

“Oh, we will,” Kira smirks. Stepping out into the cool of the night, she rescinds the pretence and visibly shudders. “I feel like I need a shower after just _talking_ to that creep.”

I smother my laughter.

“What?” She demands angrily, stomping across to the car and pulling out the bag.

“Just the way you sucked up to him – I remember you being much more... Forceful?”

“Yeah, well that was back when we were allowed to wear armour on the Presidium and people called me ‘Commander’.” Kira slips the keycard into the motel room door and the lock clicks in acknowledgement. “We’re just going to have to play it by ear from here on.”

The sole lightbulb in the middle of the discoloured ceiling flickers on to reveal a sparse room. A moth-eaten couch and a cheap vid-screen sit at one end of the space. Behind them is a double bed. The metal frame has long since been stripped of its paint, and the bedspread looks thin and over-beaten. I doubt the pillows are particularly comfortable either. Judging from the number of odd-shaped lumps, it looks as though they’ve been used for kinky rituals more often than they’ve actually been slept on.

Kira strolls over to the bed, dumping the carry bag on the mattress. She pulls out the bottle of hair dye and heads for the bathroom. “There are some ration packs if you’re hungry. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I watch silently as she shuts the door and locks it behind her. Suddenly it hits me – what just happened and what we’re now doing.

_Staying the night in a cheap motel just so we can chase down a Cerberus assassin? Shepard, you’ve just gone to a whole new level of crazy._

Eventually I push aside my reluctance and pull out a food pack from the rucksack. I switch the vid-screen to the Citadel’s twenty-six hour news channel. Settling onto the couch, I ignore the worn cushion padding and irritating prods of the springs and focus on eating instead.

_“This is Khalisah Al-Jilani for Westerlund News.”_

In that split second, I get a premonition of what is coming next and I flinch in abhorrence. 

_“Breaking news: the hero of the Citadel goes down in flames. Minutes after the disgraced Commander Shepard was taken into custody by C-Sec, an explosion rips through a building in the lower wards, killing 30 people.”_

Scenes from the bomb site flash across the screen. I swallow the urge to gag – in my mind it all looked so blurred and dark. But now it’s like I’m back there, lying in the ash and calling out Shepard’s name... 

_“Tonight we ask the question – was Shepard an innocent victim?”_ Khalisah looks down the camera lens, and suddenly I want to smack that self-satisfied grin off her face. _“Or has the Alliance’s hero turned into a deadly killer? We call in an expert forensic profiler to get a look inside the head of the most dangerous woman in the galaxy...”_

“Turn that off.”

A hand flashes across my vision, snatching the remote control from the arm of the couch.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think...” I put down the food pack, turning about on the sofa to meet Kira’s gaze.

She’s standing behind me, a towel in one hand and the remote in the other. Her wet hair, now transformed into a striking shade of crimson, hangs in loose curls about her white face. It is a remarkable change to see her like this. With her dark eyeliner washed away and her hair so drastically altered, it almost feels as though I’m staring at somebody else. But there can be no mistaking Kira’s eyes. And right now, they are a pit of pure, murderous fury. It’s terrifying to behold – despite Shepard’s relatively slender stature, I know only too well what danger lurks behind that calm facade.

Now she turns those deadly eyes on me.

“No, you’re right,” She hisses quietly, coolly. “You _weren’t_ thinking.” There is no mistaking the venom in her voice. Kira tosses the remote away on the couch, and then pads away on bare feet to the other side of the room.

I stand up and run a hand through my hair. All I can manage is: “It just doesn’t even seem real yet, Shepard. All of it just felt like a bad dream.”

Kira sits down on the bed and turns her back on me. She doesn’t say a word, just reaches for a comb and runs it through her hair until it’s smooth.

“I didn’t even think of what it must feel like to... To see things like that.” I rub my forehead anxiously. “I’m sure you had better support back on the Normandy. It’s been so long, I – I feel like I hardly know you anymore.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you and I...” I swallow nervously. “You’re just so different now. Like you’ve completely moved on from...”

“From what?” Kira’s brows knit together as she stares me down.

“From us.”

Her shoulders sink. “You called me a traitor, Kaidan. It wasn’t my call—”

“And I’m sure that Garrus is a good man,” I interject, cutting her off before she can finish her sentence. “I wouldn’t judge you, Shepard.”

“What?”

“You and Garrus...” My voice trails off as I study the growing confusion in her eyes.

Kira’s mouth opens and shuts, but no sound comes out. At first. “Wait. You think that Garrus and I...?”

“I don’t know, Shepard. I just don’t know anymore. All I know is that you sound a bit more like him, you saunter like him, and hell you even use his badass tactics.”

“Garrus is my _friend_ , Kaidan. Nothing more.”

Heat rises into my cheeks. I instantly feel like a total fool – even more so than I did before. There is a horrible sinking feeling in my gut, like a black hole, swirling and drawing all of my hope down into an endless hole of dejection. I want to apologise for being such an idiot. My throat is constricting, and through the tightness I squeeze out “Kira...”

“You gave away the right to call me that a long time ago,” She bites out furiously, silencing me with a withering glance. “You know, Kaidan, I don’t blame you for not trusting Cerberus. Hell, I didn’t want to work for them either! That wasn’t what hurt.” She turns those sad mahogany irises on me. “What hurt was that your distrust of Cerberus outweighed your trust in me. For a while there I was the woman you loved, the woman you swore to be an anchor for when life got rough. And on Horizon, I tried to call out to you. I couldn’t say what I wanted to. But I did ask for your help – and you said no.” She lets her head fall forward, her hand sweeping a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “But what’s done is done. Maybe if we both just stopped letting our preconceptions cloud our judgement for a second, we could see that we are, and always were, on the same side.”

The yawning whirl pit inside me is only growing stronger, wider, swallowing everything in its path. I shift on my feet, staring at the worn carpet beneath my shoes. “You’re right. I’m sorry Shepard. I’m sorry I acted like an ass on Horizon, and I’m sorry that I walked away. I should have trusted you then, and I’ll do my best to trust you now. I know it’s not much – the only thing I have to give you is words.” I shake my head despondently. “And after everything I said today I know you have every reason not to believe me. It’s Cerberus I hate, not you. And I haven’t been discerning in my anger – I hurt you when I shouldn’t have.” Regret overwhelms me, and I struggle to take a steady breath. “And maybe sorry will never be good enough, but I’m here now. I know isn’t much, Shepard. But my help is yours... If... If you want it.”

Shepard’s shoulders collapse a little. She hangs her head and stares at the wall, muttering to herself things that I can barely hear.

“Alright, fine,” Kira exhales the words reluctantly, “Come on then. Now that we’ve gotten most of our dirty laundry aired, we should at least try and get some sleep.”

I tread over toward the bed gingerly, retrieve one of the suspiciously lumpy pillows, and am about to return to the couch when Kira’s hand shoots out and grabs me by the wrist.

“What are you doing?” She sighs in exasperation.

“I’m going to get some rest,” I protest, indicating toward the couch tensely.

Shepard lets out a breath, shaking her head. Then, she starts to laugh. “You wouldn’t even _fit_ on that couch, Kaidan. Can you just stop trying to be a gentleman for one night?”

My head spins a little at that statement, and now that I know she’s still available, I’m ashamed to admit that my thoughts instantly rush to places that they definitely shouldn’t. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea, Shepard.”

She tilts her head sideways, a mixture of aggravation and amusement dancing across her features. In this golden light, her skin practically glows. “And it will be an even worse idea to wake up in the morning with a wrenched shoulder, a migraine _and_ a pulled neck.”

Shepard walks over to partially close the curtains. My eyes instantly wander to her navy blue shorts. They’re just tight enough to show off all those muscular curves, and they end just below the curve of her hips. I remember she had a pair just like them two years ago, the night before Ilos...

When Kira turns around and finds me still standing there, slack jawed and unmoved; she folds her arms across her chest and scowls. “Oh come on, Kaidan. You’ve seen me in less – don’t go and get all squeamish on me now.”

_Oh believe me, I’m not getting squeamish._

I cough to clear my throat, turning away as she climbs into bed. “Well, uh, we’ve done stuff like this before, right? There’s no problem here. No problem at all...” I mutter to myself, still not sure whether I’m trying to reassure her or myself.

I slip off my jacket and my outer clothes quickly, trying to ignore the feel of Shepard’s keen gaze on my back. All the while I’m battling to shut out flashes of our time together on shore leave. This is not exactly how I imagined our reunion, but I am not about to tell her that. The thought of being with Shepard again has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. And then I eventually remind myself that she was with Cerberus – and all that raging confusion, bitter pain and betrayal comes rushing back. Suddenly her beauty takes on a different meaning in my mind.

Finally I sit on the bedspread, wearing just my singlet and boxers. I glance at Shepard out of the corner of my eye. She’s already lying on her side, her back to me, and in that moment I feel a keen stab of disappointment.

_She was looking. I know she was._

I reach over and switch off the lamp, pulling the musty bedspread over my aching shoulder. The darkness settles in around me, and for the briefest moment I can forget all about that assassin, the bomb, the ever-looming threat. The coolness of the sheets brushes against my skin sending a chill up my spine. Just behind me I can feel the heat radiating off Shepard’s body and I’m fighting to keep from thinking about her... And those navy shorts.

 _I know that she’s right,_ I justify to myself, _sleeping on the couch would have just made me worse._

_But heck she smells good._

After several minutes, I turn over and work up the courage to peek at her. She hasn’t moved. Kira’s hair glistens slightly in the pale light. She’s tucked the bedspread tightly around her; only her head is exposed. I can’t help but sigh. There had once been a time when I was let in – when she let me be a part of her warm cocoon.

 _Stop it!_ I mentally slap myself and roll onto my back. _Stop thinking that way, Alenko. She made it clear that she doesn’t want you._

I must have been lying awake longer than I realise, because what feels like a moment later, Shepard turns over and drapes her soft, smooth arm across my chest. I stifle an exclamation of shock, biting down on my lower lip as Kira snuggles her head into my shoulder. For a fraction of a second I contemplate the impossible – before realising that she’s breathing deeply. _Too_ deeply.

Shepard is fast asleep.

_And she has no idea what she’s just done._

Frantic thoughts race through my mind – what if she wakes up and gets upset? What if she blames it on me and refuses to speak to me again?

_Maybe for now... If I just ignore that she’s got her hand on my chest..._

I give into myself and let the faintest of smiles spread across my face.

...Okay, so maybe it’s a big smile.

 

* * *

 

 

A tormented whimper stirs me from my slumber once more.

“No... No don’t... Please...”

The words are so faint now that I can barely hear, but I know that Kira is the one pleading. She’s tossing about in her sleep. I can feel the quilt slowly creeping off me, but it’s the fist that comes crashing down on the pillow beside my head that rouses me fully from my sleep.

“Kaidan, no.”

I jump when I hear her murmur my name. She’s dreaming about me – worse, she’s having a nightmare about me.

The torment of watching her suffer is too much, but I don’t dare to wake her. She’s extremely vulnerable right now. If I touch her, she would feel violated and angry. But if I don’t...

No. It’s too big a risk.

My eyes sting with tears of horror as I watch her face contort in pain. Somewhere in her mind she is going through agony. Kira clenches her jaw, sobbing again. Sweat drips down her forehead as she struggles against an unseen foe.

“Please! Don’t leave me!” She cries out, and then violently jerks herself upright.

I instantly close my eyes, doing my utmost to steady my breathing and pretend that she never disturbed me.

Kira sits back on her arms – I can feel her weight shift on the mattress beside me as she fights to reign in her emotions. She shudders, and for a moment I wonder if she’s still crying. Then I feel it again: the drilling sensation I get whenever she looks at me. She’s watching me, maybe reminding herself that I haven’t left yet.

_Oh hell. What did I do to you, Shepard? Why did I have to be such a fool?_

After a few seconds, Kira slips down off the edge of the bed. The metal base squeaks faintly. Now I hear footsteps moving toward the window, and I risk opening one eye very slightly. I can see her silhouette against the cool light as she stares out into the dark.

Suddenly she pulls her back up straight, and with a sharp intake of breath, she whispers, “Kaidan.”

I freeze. Does she know I’m awake? Or is she looking at something else?

“ _Kaidan_.”

I sit up slowly, blinking. “Shepard? What’s going on?”

Kira turns her face toward me, and even in the dark I can see the wide-eyed terror. “There is somebody watching us.”

“Get away from the window.” I stumble out of bed. “Is it her?”

Shepard looks up at me, and I realise that I have never seen her so afraid before.

“It’s okay, Kira,” I whisper. “She can’t get in here.”

The glass beside my head explodes in a rain of sparkling shards. Shepard wraps her arm around my neck and pulls me backward so we’re lying flat on the ground.

“Famous last words?” She gasps, staring at me through her wild hair.

“Trust me, it sounded much better in my head!” I exclaim as another round of bullets pierce the wall above us. “Please tell me you have a plan for this?”

Shepard doesn’t need to say a word – I can see the answer in her eyes.

I groan and drop my head to the floor. “Why is it that whenever I’m around you, things just... Explode?”

“Well obviously the destruction is _my_ fault,” Shepard disputes, her hands reaching up to cover her head as more glass rains down on us.

_Great. Just great._

I risk looking up to assess the situation, but I know there is no back door, no fire escape... We’re trapped in here. And standing between us and freedom is an expert killer.

I guess this is what you get for protecting the most dangerous woman in the galaxy.


	14. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira Shepard and Kaidan Alenko hit the road in pursuit of the truth, all the while hunted by a trained Cerberus assassin. But soon their distrust turns to unspoken longing, as old feelings resurface in the most unlikely of places...

 “How does it look, Doctor?” I’m sitting on a portable cot in the corner of an Alliance hospital clinic. I straighten up my shirt collar and run a hand through my hair, carefully arranging the wild strands of black hair that are hanging over my eyes.

Karin Chakwas steps out of her office, a casual smile gracing her elegant features. “There’s one thing I’ll say for you, Alenko: you’re stubborn as a blind mule.”

I twist up my face in mock dismay. “Thank you – I think.”

“It’s the truth.” Karin crosses her arms and studies me through needle-sharp eyes. Her withering glance sparks a sudden burst of pain from the site which she’d jabbed a syringe into earlier.

I instinctively reach up and rub my shoulder. “I already told you. I don’t _want_ the L5 implant.”

“Kaidan,” she clucks, waving her finger in the air, “I have been your doctor for almost four years. And in that time I have prescribed you a half-dozen different types of painkillers for your migraines, sedated you ten times for sleep deprivation and stitched you up on five occasions – all thanks to that defunct implant of yours. And those are just the mild cases. I know there are plenty more you’re not telling me about.” Karin shakes her head and moves toward her instrument tray, gradually straightening up the clean tools. “I’m offering you a way out, Major.”

“And I appreciate it, Doctor. Thanks. But no thanks.”

She lets out an exaggerated sigh, and then sends me a reluctant smile. “Alright, Kaidan. I won’t lecture you again – in the end, it’s your choice.” Chakwas leans against the counter. “Speaking of choices...”

I instantly know what she’s moving towards, and I drop my head into my hands. “I can’t do it, Doctor. Not today.”

“Kaidan, you have to sooner or later.” The frustration is mounting in Karin’s voice. She steps closer to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Kira would understand.”

“This is about more than just my feelings.” I look up at Chakwas through cloudy eyes. “Shepard deserved so much more than this. How can I just make a choice to throw it all away when... When she’s counting on me to be here for her?” Pain racks me and I notice that my hands are shaking.

“She’s gone, Kaidan. We both know that.”

I shake my head. “I just can’t accept that, Doctor. I let her go once. I’ll be damned if I do it again.”

Karin studies my face intently. “I won’t do anything without your consent, Major. You know that. And I understand that you’re still hoping... But sometimes hope isn’t enough.” She turns away and takes off her disposable gloves. “I’m so sorry, Kaidan. But this time, Shepard isn’t coming back.”

I close my eyes against the fiery stab of pain that sparks through my skull. “You said that last time.” I scoop up my jacket in my arms, and give the Doctor a wry smile. “If you’re finished with me, I need to be somewhere else by two.”

Karin’s shoulders droop slightly, but she nods at me. “I’ll forward the implant test results to Admiral Hackett. You should be cleared for duty by the end of the week.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

“Kaidan?”

I spin about, my boots squeaking against the polished vinyl floor. “Yes?”

“I know you’re having trouble sleeping.” She gives me a pointed look. “I’ve seen you, walking, watching, always somewhere else in that mind of yours. But you’re no good to anyone if you’re half-dead on your feet.” Karin reaches out and straightens my jacket lapel. “Go home early tonight. Get some sleep.”

I sigh and look down at my shoes. “Only if you promise—”

“Oh, for goodness sake.” Karin rolls her eyes and waves her hand in front of my face. “You know I will, Kaidan. I lose more sleep than you’ll ever know. Now go on, get out of here.”

I smile at her thankfully and step out the door.

The sun is just breaking through a dark bank of clouds. A bright torrent of light cascades around me, a sweet glow rising with the steam of the wet pavement. I gaze up at the sky, smiling a little at the sight.

It is shaping up to be a perfect day.

I wrote an absurdly long chapter earlier today before leaving for the clinic. Half of it, I’m sure, sounds like an excerpt from a 20th century crime novel. I have to wonder if Emily Wong will even believe me. Am I getting caught up in the moment – exaggerating the truth? Painting Shepard as a damsel in distress, pursued by an assassin, with me standing valiantly between her and danger? Quite probably. But the truth of the story is that there is no single hero. There is no damsel in distress, nor is there any one villain. Far be it from the classic fairytale the vid fans envision: my life with Kira Shepard was more like a vulgar espionage chronicle. But the truth is that I treasured every little moment of it.

I step onto the street corner, raising my hand to flag down a taxi. And that is when I feel it – a hand pressed firmly into my shoulder blade.

I am startled, but respond too late.

The person behind me shoves against me. I lose my balance and stumble out onto the road, letting out a harsh yell. Before I can come to my senses, I hear a loud noise to my left. In the few brief moments of clarity that I possess, I lift my eyes and take in the approaching skycar... Its headlights shining straight at me through the mist... Its horn blaring a dire, endless warning...

 

* * *

 

**\--2186--**

 

A spray of white dust cascades about me, and I bite back a cough. It’s getting into my nose, tickling my throat and threatening to seep into my eyes.

I feel the warmth of a body shift beside me, trembling slightly in the midst of the noise. I gently turn my head to see Kira huddled beside me, her hands clenched beneath her jaw. Her eyes are tightly squeezed shut. In that moment I see pure fear written across her features. Something deep inside me snaps.

My amp sparks to life, and I spring up on all fours, a figure clad in intense blue light.  I step into the gap left by the broken window, spreading my arms to cast my barrier further. I let out a growl, focusing all my power on controlling my implant.

“Shepard! Move!”

She is staring up at me in disbelief. I can feel her eyes boring into my back like drills, and despite my growing pleasure at the thought, I struggle to ignore her attention. Across the road I can see a dark figure lurking behind parked skycars – the glow of the street lamp is reflecting off her rifle scope.

I suck in a nervous breath as the assassin puts down the gun, exchanging her weapon for a faint glow of electricity arcing off her omni-tool. _She’s a tech!_ I grimace – if she’s planning on disarming my barrier then Kira I don’t have much time. “I’ll hold off the assassin. Get what you need and be ready to move!”

I hear Shepard scramble across the floor, the sound of disturbed broken glass sending cold shudders up my spine. Then, a half minute later, I feel her move to stand behind me. Her hands wrap around my waist, and I stiffen at the touch of her soft skin.

_Shepard... What are you doing?_

Her breath comes against my ear, warm and enticing. Kira stands on the tips of her toes and whispers, “Drop the barrier.”

“What?” I gape.

Shepard huffs, this time in vexation and repeats, “Just drop it, Kaidan.”

The assassin’s hands are raised, and those balled up fists of electricity are flexing menacingly in my direction.

Kira places her left hand on my back, between my shoulder blades. The move is enough to utterly disrupt my line of thought, and my barrier flickers.

“ _Now!_ ” Shepard exclaims.

I release my control of the barrier, jumping when I hear a faint _ping_ somewhere behind me. A metal pin drops to the floor, rolling to a stop in front of my feet. I watch in silent horror as Kira’s hand skims past my ear, sending a tiny, rounded object flying across the parking lot. Then she throws her entire weight against me. We crash to the floor together, Kira’s body landing heavily against my chest.

Suddenly a tremendous explosion sounds from across the way. The ground shakes and the wall above us fractures, sending more broken plaster down on us.

I am winded, splayed out helplessly in the rubble, struggling to catch my breath with the weight of a full-grown woman pressing down on me.

_It could have been worse. She could have been wearing her armor._

As it is, I’m lying here thinking about how I can feel her thigh muscles flexing...

Shepard is breathing heavily, her knees tucked to her chest. Now, as the world around us grows eerily quiet, she lifts her head and those glinting, brown eyes meet mine.

“That... That was your plan?” I wheeze. “Shepard... Where... Where the heck did you get a grenade?”

“You said to get what you need,” She whispers, her lips curving up at one corner.

“Yeah, but...” I cough and let my head fall back. “Oh hell, I should have known you’d take that literally.”

 “I just saved your ass.” Kira’s brow arches. “The least you could do is say thank you.”

“Thank you...?”

Shepard pushes herself up, her elbow conveniently jabbing into my guts.

I choke and lurch upward, my hand instinctively rushing to protect my stomach from further attack.

Shepard glances out the window, a smirk crossing her features. “The assassin is gone for now, but I get the feeling she’ll be back. And I’m sure that by now C-Sec is on their way.”

Kira spins on her toes, her dark eyes coming to rest on my face. For a second her irises flicker over my bare chest, and I catch a glimpse of softness in her eyes. My chest tightens as the faint light brushes against the gentle contours of her form. All I can think about is the night before Ilos, a time when I had been allowed to look, allowed to worship her without feeling ashamed of myself. Now I’m desperately trying to cloak my emotions. Shepard’s gaze, on the other hand, lingers for just a moment too long and her cheeks instantly redden. She turns away, her hand instinctively wandering up to the juncture of her neck nervously.

“C’mon, we need to move,” Kira barks at me as she steps across the room.

Suddenly she chokes out a cry, her hand instantly going to press against the right side of her abdomen. Shepard moans faintly, doubling over in obvious pain.

I leap to my feet. Rushing to her side, I move to press my hand over hers. “What happened?” I can feel that she’s trembling slightly. “Shepard, show me what’s wrong. You’re hurt.”

“It’s nothing,” She growls, shrugging me off.

I grip her wrist and spin her around, forcibly pulling her palm away from her waist. I balk at the fresh blood dripping down her fingers. “Oh hell, Kira...”

The spreading stain is particularly apparent against the torn white cloth of her tank top. The wound is nasty – small and jagged, but deep; clearly made by a rogue shard of glass. She must have been slashed when she threw me to the ground a few minutes earlier.

“You need medi-gel,” I persist, but Shepard is having none of it.

“Leave it!” She exclaims, pulling away. “I’ve had worse.” Despite near palpable agony, she shoves past me and reaches for the duffel bag. I can see the disconcertment in her eyes when, after retrieving her clothes and some gear from the bag, she looks up to find me still studying her. “Kaidan, for goodness sake. We don’t have all night. Get your gear.”

The faint sound of a siren warns me of another impending danger. If we’re caught here, C-Sec will take Shepard, and who knows where that assassin has gone. I somehow doubt she was caught in that grenade blast. Besides, there is a good chance that after this, Bailey will never agree to let me guard Shepard again.

I force a nod, reaching for my navy pants and my black leather jacket. Then, I stash a few spare thermal clips in my pocket before slipping my pistol into the belt of my trousers. “Just don’t overdo it, Shepard. You’re not in your armor anymore.”

She zips up her knee-high boots, all the while glaring at me from beneath those long dark lashes. “It doesn’t make a difference – I can still whip you.” Kira shrugs on her brown leather coat, wincing as she lifts her arm fractionally. “Damn it,” She mutters, cringing in pain. A moment later, her soldier mask is in place, and her beautiful face becomes unreadably calm. Using her left arm to raise her pistol, Kira surveys the empty parking lot. “Oh hell. Okay Kaidan – we’re going to have to move on foot.”

I step through the broken window frame to find that our acquisitioned skycar is little more than a bullet-hole ridden, smashed-up wreck.

“Those bullets had some force behind them,” I remark dryly, kicking the dented side door in frustration.

By now the sirens are little more than a block away.

“Come on,” I call to Shepard as I spot a dark alley. “We can go this way.” I summon a small amount of biotic energy, lighting up my left fist to guide our way.

“You have no idea where you’re going, do you?” Kira bites out after a few minutes of walking.

I flash a wry grin at her over my shoulder. “Call it improvisation, Shepard.”

“How about I call it confusion?” Shepard shakes her head, her crimson hair swaying around her shoulders. “I still remember how many times we got lost in the Mako thanks to your directions – I counted 6 incidents before Garrus finally took that map away from you.”

“You were the one driving!” I protest, “I told you then, and I’ll tell you again: it was the compass. The wretched thing wasn’t calibrated properly.”

“Uh-huh. And that wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you failed navigation basics at the academy – twice? Argh.” Kira moans and sways slightly, reaching out with her hand to steady herself against a brick wall.

“Okay that’s it,” I mutter, storming back to her and pulling up my omni-tool. “I’m not going to sit back here and watch you deliberately hurt yourself.”

“I told you, I can handle it—”

I evade her defences, slipping my hand under her jacket. I scan the wound with my omnitool. Kira growls furiously, the deep-throated warning reverberating through her chest and against my palm. Before she can fight me off again, I tap an order into the control panel of my device. Her eyes visibly widen as the cool touch of the medigel settles against the wound, easing the pain and temporarily sealing the lesion.

“Better?” I ask, tilting my head forward to get a better look at her.

Kira is clearly flustered, but despite her fury, she eventually she nods in acknowledgement. Though her brow lowers as she sees the pleased grin on my face. She directs her gaze down to my palm on her waist. “You can let go now, Kaidan.”

I fumble and step back. Kira seizes the opportunity to push past me.

“We should look for a public terminal,” She calls back to me. “I need to call my contact.”

“Of course you do,” I mutter, shaking my head as I push my legs into a sprint to catch up with her. Then it hits me – she remembers our banter in the Mako. Her memories are still there, still just as vivid as they were two years ago, before... Before...

“Shepard,” I rasp, suddenly feeling a bit light headed. “Can I ask you something?”

Kira shrugs. “If you must.”

“Uh... How long has it been? I mean, for you.”

She sends me a perturbed look, and I realize that there are two sides to that question. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific.”

“I mean, it’s been more than two years since you died. Two years and six months, actually.” My heart speeds up beneath her withering gaze. “But, how long has it been for you? You’re talking about driving in the Mako like it was yesterday.”

Shepard rests her hands on her hips. “Why?”

“I just... I just want to understand.”

“Kaidan, you already understood me. Nothing has changed.”

“That’s not true, and you know it.” I hang my head in confusion. “You were _gone,_ Kira. I couldn’t have brought you back no matter how much I wanted to...” I swallow the emotion rising in my throat. “But you look almost exactly the same, and honestly, I have to wonder what you went through. And whether you remember how it felt... Whether it changed you at all.”

“Does it matter?” The hair on the back of my neck rises at the acidic tone in her voice.

“Yes!” I almost holler, before realising my mistake and lowering my voice to a more reasonable tone. “I was so lost without you in my life. Joker had to forcibly pull my head out of my whiskey glass and kick my sorry rear out the front door. Life didn’t feel like it was worth living when you were gone.”

Kira’s cheeks redden slightly as I step into her personal space.

“Hell, Shepard, I was so angry with you when I found out that you were alive, because suddenly the impossible had happened: You were back, and you were safe. But you had sold yourself out to those extremists. And for what? A new ship and a second chance? A second chance that I could have – and _would_ have – given you? I couldn’t come to terms with that. But... ” I shake my head. “But the truth is that I was scared. Scared that you weren’t the same woman that I loved all those years ago. Scared that Cerberus had rewritten your memories, or had implanted some kind of control chip in your brain. Scared that you would see me one day and not even know who I was. That was the only thing left that could tear me up even more, that could have shattered the little sanity I still had. That was the last curse left for the universe to throw at me that would have been worse than living without you.” I take a shuddering breath. “Knowing you were alive, but that you would never be able to love me like you once did.”

Shepard stares up at me through frightened eyes. She’s shrunk away from me, backed against the wall. I come down from the high of my rant to the menacing darkness of reality. The shadows of the alley swallow my hope whole, and I clear my throat when I see the ashen pallor of her cheeks.

_She’s scared half to death._

I take a step back, racking both my hands through my messed hair. “I’m sorry, Shepard, I shouldn’t have—”

Kira blinks rapidly. “Don’t, Kaidan. Just don’t.” She steps away from me, her hair falling loosely across her face to mask her emotions. “Let’s just get on with what we came here to do.”

I moan and rub my eyes.

_Well. I guess that’s that._

 

* * *

 

 

By now my omnitool reads 06:40, and the hour is reflected in the growing activity of the local residents. A group of uniformed Turians stroll casually down the boulevard, drinking their dextro-friendly beverages and chatting on their way to work. An Asari and her human mate pause at a nearby cafe to buy hot coffee before following suit, stepping into an office block through a shining glass door. Two Volus businessmen are arguing about business plans, and an Elcor is verbally lamenting his recent relationship breakdown.

Kira and I are crouching down behind a parked skycar, scoping out the shop front across the street. Unlike the other buildings around it, the public terminal hub is unpolished and unsecured. It is staffed only by a VI, who is scanning every entrant for a valid Citadel security pass card.

I send a nervous glance in Shepard’s direction. “How are you going to get in? You don’t have a pass card.”

“It’s only a minor setback – don’t worry about it.” She flicks a stray curl out of her eyes. “We’ll just use yours.”

“You know it’s scanning _every_ person who is going inside, right?” I remind her, recoiling as she turns a burning glare on me. “On second thought, I’ll just wait outside. You know, keep an eye out.”

Kira nods and holds out her hand for my pass. “Signal my omnitool if you see anything suspicious. I’ll meet you out the back when I’m done. Just try not to get yourself shot at this time, Alenko.” I notice that she’s making a deliberate effort not to meet my gaze.

I sigh heavily as she steps out from behind the car, my card firmly tucked into her palm. Kira strolls across the road, her shoulders straight and head held high despite the pain I’m sure she’s still experiencing from that wound. But from this angle, those skinny jeans are so very distracting. Her legs fill them out nicely, her toned calf muscles and slender ankles adding to the allure of her shapely hips. Now Shepard steps up to the VI, holding up the barcode to the scanner. A second later, the entry gate flashes green, and she disappears into the darkness of the shop.

I shift back, balancing on my ankles comfortably. My eyes scan for trouble – anyone lurking where they shouldn’t be; individuals waiting to take a shot from a rooftop or an alley; vehicles driving slowly down the street watching for Shepard to make an appearance. I am keenly aware that if Shepard was smart enough to plant a tracker on the assassin, then Cerberus’ hired killer is bound to have thought of something similar. This woman simply _has_ to be watching from somewhere.

I’m startled when my omnitool buzzes. I punch up the vid screen. “Everything okay, Shepard?”

“Alenko, I’m patching you into my com channel. I think you need to hear this.”

“Shepard?” Another woman’s voice meets my ears. She possesses a suave tone edged with blunt attitude. “Shepard, I’m getting some static. I think somebody is trying to block your signal.”

“I gathered. Don’t worry, I’ve got a few decoy signals stalling them for now – let’s just say your former employer didn’t take too kindly to my recent career change,” Shepard asserts, “Just repeat what you told me, Miranda.”

Miranda hesitates. “Project Lazarus, the program to recover the famed Commander Shepard, as you know, was just one minor faction of Cerberus’ operations. But during my time there, I did run into one or two operatives outside my jurisdiction. The Illusive Man sent them to check on my progress from time to time. One woman in particular had strong connections to Lazarus. She was assigned to...” Miranda pauses, formulating her words carefully. “Assist in the careful recovery of some sensitive information.”

“What information?” I ask, my mind imagining the worst possible scenario.

“She was sent to collect a classified file from the Council’s Spectre archives.”

I close my eyes, shuddering at the implication. Shepard doesn’t speak for a long moment, and I’m guessing she’s figured it out too.

“Miranda, just tell me the truth,” Kira murmurs, her voice dropping to a dangerously low timbre.

“Look Shepard, I was under orders. Cerberus couldn’t risk any mistakes and securing your file was just part of the mission.” Miranda sighs. “The truth is that we never received the file. The operative was sprung when her deal to get into the archives went bad. She sent me back the data, but it was corrupted. I managed to get the essential information I required, but nothing more.

“The operative, however, wasn’t so lucky.

“When her cover was blown, she was forced to go underground. I placed her under security and assigned her to more menial tasks. She didn’t take it kindly. Less than twenty-four hours after she was placed on restricted duty, I found that she had been accessing classified files on Project Lazarus.”

“Miranda, hi,” I interrupt again. “Just out of curiosity, did this operative use a skin-pigmentation injection to alter her appearance?”

“Yes – she was infamous for it. Her disguises were her particular talent, you might say.”

Kira resumes control. “What happened to this operative? Is there any chance that you can give me a name, anything to help me track her down?”

“Shepard, she’s good. _Very_ good. Her face and name change as regularly as her clothes,” Miranda warns. “Look, I tried to have as few face-to-face interviews with her as possible. All I know is that she’s quick, she’s slippery, and that she used to go by the codename Rasa.”

“Rasa,” Kira murmurs. “Well I guess it’s a start.”

The channel buzzes loudly, and Miranda curses. “Shepard, that interference is getting worse. I don’t think we’ve got too much time left.”

“I just need to know one more thing,” Kira pushes on, leaning into the microphone, “Rasa may be good, but she’s not psychic. I need to know: when you were working on Lazarus, was there ever any mention of installing a tracking beacon in my implants?”

 _Implants...?_ My eyes widen. _Shepard, what are you talking about?_

“Actually, yes, there was.” Miranda’s voice is warbled, but we can still make out her words fairly easily. “There was a tiny microchip installed in your collarbone graft implant. It was only ever meant to be activated after death – to assist in the recovery of your body, should the worst occur.”

The bluntness sends me reeling. I turn about and lean against the door of the car.

“But,” Miranda adds, “The beacon does have an activation code. I was the only member of Lazarus who had the clearance to access it, but like I said, Rasa infiltrated several of my classified files. There is a good chance that she’s using that beacon to track your movements.”

“Is there a deactivation code?” I query nervously.

“Yes, there is. It will shut down your implant for an hour, but then Rasa can override the lock-out code and reactivate the signal. Look, Shepard, I know it’s not much of a lead, but at least with an hour on your side you can get ahead of her.”

Kira sighs. “I’ll take it, Miranda.” 

“I’m sending you the code in a secure transmission,” The ex-Cerberus agent replies smoothly, “Good luck out there, Commander.”

“Miranda?” Kira is struggling to hang onto the breaking connection. “Thank you. For everything.”

There is a long pause. Then, “Just make it worth it, Shepard.”

I push myself to my feet, my eyes sweeping the street one more time before I cross the road. “Did you get everything?” I speak quietly in an attempt to remain unnoticed. But even so, a man on the corner turns to look at me keenly. I shudder, ducking into the alleyway to escape his line of sight.

“Got it,” Kira replies, her caustic attitude making me grimace. “But there is someone in here watching me. We’ll have to move quickly.”

I duck behind a dumpster before glancing back over my shoulder. “Same here, Shepard. Miranda is right. Rasa is tracking your movements through that beacon.”

The back door to the shop opens and I jump, lifting up my pistol to cover the area. I’m met by a pair of flashing brown eyes.

“Stand down, Commander,” She bites out, raising her omnitool and punching in a string of numbers. “Direct your hypervigilence toward Rasa for a second and let me get this...” Kira frowns, her brows drawing together in concentration. “There. The implant is offline.” She pulls her gun from her pocket and releases the safety. “Come on. They’ll be on us if we don’t go now.”

We start running down the alley, away from the direction we came. But instead of emerging out the other side onto the road, Kira leads me down a narrow passage and into the heart of some dingy buildings. A few moments later, she spots a fire escape. The rusty ladder is hanging down just low enough to grasp.

Kira shoves her pistol in her belt and jumps at it, gripping the railing with both hands. For a moment she hangs there, grimacing at the pressure on her injury. I almost reach out to pull her back down, my scathing rebuke at the ready. But then she swings herself up, wrapping her legs around the metal and hoisting herself up with considerable effort. Once she’s standing on the metal platform above me, she smirks at me proudly.

“Coming, Alenko?”

My heart sinks as she uses my surname. Somewhere inside I’m frustrated that she isn’t calling me Kaidan anymore. “Right behind you, Shepard.”

We pound up the stairs until we reach the third level. Here the stairs open out onto the rooftop. Thankfully the ledge is just high enough to cover us, so we duck down behind it. I check my gun for what must be the tenth time in the past hour. Loud footfalls echo off the brick somewhere in the distance, and Shepard lifts her head slightly to check the alley.

I follow suit, and suck in a nervous breath when I see two men round the corner. They pause, glancing down the alleyway and muttering to each other. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but I know they’re not about to give up the search just yet. After a second, they split up and head in opposite directions.

I grimace and sink lower against the concrete wall. “Okay, Shepard. What now?”

I turn my head to see that her face has turned white, and she’s breathing heavily.

“I don’t know – not yet,” Kira whispers, gritting her teeth. “But we’ve got to keep moving. There has to be another way down.”

“Well, one thing is for sure: they won’t be expecting us to run around up here.” I chuckle lightly at this. My attitude turns serious as I extend my hand to gently touch her arm. “Hey. Are you doing okay?”

Shepard forces a nod. “As long as we keep up the pace, we have nothing to worry about.”

I stand reach down to help her up. For a fraction of a second, I think I catch a glimpse of a smile.

“Okay,” she starts to think aloud, walking lightly toward the opposite side of the building. “I’ve got Rasa’s signal on my omnitool. She’s holed up in a warehouse about two miles from here.”

“Two miles...” I repeat dumbly. “We’ll never make it on foot.”

“Not like this, no.” Shepard cranes her neck to check the alley below. “We need to move faster. Much faster. I want to get to that warehouse before Rasa even hears we’re missing.”

I swing myself over the edge and grip the rung of a ladder. “Well. I think I may have just found the solution.”

“What?”

I slide down the rails and land lightly on concrete. But my eyes are firmly fixed upon the startling silver creature resting at the mouth of the alley.

“Oh no,” Kira groans, limping up behind me. “No, Kaidan. I can’t.”

I shoot her a knowing smile. “What’s the matter, Shepard? Never ridden a motorcycle before?”

“No.” She grimaces. “Why do I get the feeling you have?”

Suddenly, a shout erupts behind us. I spin about to catch sight of one of the men we evaded earlier – but this time, he’s not happy.

Kira lets out a yelp as I grab her hand and start running.

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re going to pay for this later!” Shepard yells in my ear.

The wind is making it hard to hear her, but I can definitely make out some unease in her voice. Kira wraps her trembling arm tighter around my stomach, pressing her chin into my shoulder for reassurance. The resonant hum of the motorcycle’s engine beneath us sends pleasurable vibrations through my body.

There were no helmets on the bike, naturally, so we are winging it – almost literally. I catch a glimpse of her in one of the side mirrors. Shepard’s hair is flying about, curls catching on the wind in an array of brilliant crimson. I can’t help but smile.

“Just relax!” I shout back, grinning to myself as she shifts her legs around behind me. “Just copy my movements and—”

I’m cut off abruptly as two bullets narrowly miss our tyres.

“And try not to get shot?” Kira finishes my sentence.

“Basically, yeah!”

We’re racing down dark, seedy back-streets, gunning the throttle in a last-stitch attempt to throw our pursuers. Neon signs flash past and I turn my attention to my rear view. The two Cerberus lackeys – Rasa’s henchmen, I assume – are riding in a sleek black skycar. They narrowly miss a pedestrian. The man gets thrown backward by the sheer speed of the vehicle, recovering just enough to throw incoherent, drunken curses at the driver. One of the men is hanging out the side window now, his rifle slung across his shoulder as he takes aim.

“Hang on!” I yell, easing into a rapid left-hand turn.

The tyres screech loudly, but we seem to have made the move just in time. Bullets pepper the wall we just passed, and it takes the lackeys a good five seconds extra to pull off the same corner.

Kira lets out a faint squeak and buries her face in my jacket collar.

“Consider this payback for all those rides in the Mako!” I laugh.

Kira’s head pops up, and I see her brow arch in my mirror. “Don’t even go there.”

“Admit it – you’re enjoying this!”

She glances down sheepishly at her arm holding onto my muscular middle. “Okay maybe just a little.”

I allow a warm feeling to bubble up inside me. But the feeling is short lived.

Just as we emerge onto the open streets, another skycar tries to cut us off.

“Kaidan, look out!”

I hit the brake, ignoring Kira’s fingernails digging into my shoulder painfully. “It’s alright, Shepard. I’ve got this.”

With some careful weaving, I manoeuvre us out of the mess, leaning into the bike as the engine roars to life once more.

“How much further?” I call.

“Just a few blocks! It should be the next right turn.” Kira shifts to glance back over her shoulder. “Oh no – they’re back.”

I can see the black skycar accelerating to catch up with us. They are flashing their lights at us, horn blaring as they cross the distance until they’re practically sitting on our rear tyre.

Suddenly I feel it – a strange tingling sensation, like bottled lightning. It arcs across my skin, refracting off my amp and sending a chill through my veins. I glance in my rear view just in time to see Shepard bow her head.

“Kira?” I call, panic welling up inside me. “Kira! Talk to me! What’s happening?”

It’s then that I realise the electricity is coming from _her_. Her eyes are tightly shut, but even so I can see a faint red glow from beneath her dark lashes.

Shepard is generating a tech energy field!

The eerie red radiance builds, and then explodes in a flash of brilliant lightning. Kira spins in her seat, balling up her left hand and throwing the bolt of electricity at the sky car. I watch in amazement as the two men are captured by arcs of the lightning – they collapse against their seats, convulsing, utterly overwhelmed by pain. The force of the electric field is enough to send the vehicle spinning. Moments later, the car collides with an empty dumpster, rocking to a halt and spilling steam from its crumpled engine bay.

I let out a whoop, and behind me I hear Shepard laugh with abandon.

“What the hell was that?” I laugh in amazement.

“Neural shock!” Kira tells me.

“I thought you couldn’t do tech!”

“I couldn’t – until Cerberus gave me implants. A friend taught me a trick or two.” She winks at me.

“I like it – care to show me sometime?” I pull into a small alley and ease the bike to a halt.

“Maybe once we deal with Rasa,” Kira replies steadily.

I wrap my arms around her waist and gently lift her down from the seat. “I’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

 

The door to Rasa’s warehouse is locked with a computer-generated code – but that’s nothing a quick decryption won’t fix. I have us inside in just a few seconds. Kira and I walk in synchronisation, almost as though we had never been apart. She takes the lead, and I’m content just to have her back covered.

“Kaidan,” She whispers, indicating toward a concealed stairwell.

I nod, stepping over quickly to check it. It’s clear – just some closed doors to some abandoned storage rooms. I give her the signal, and we push on down a dingy hall.

Above us, an old light flickers and threatens to black out. Kira studies the shadows intently, her breath coming in shaky, concentrated rasps. I see a drop of sweat run down the back of her neck.

_She’s nervous._

And I don’t blame her.

The worst kind of scenario to walk into is one where the enemy has the advantage. More often than not, a hideaway has exploitable weaknesses. Unfortunately, Rasa ensured that she selected a base with one entrance, one exit. There is no apparent weakness to exploit, just a lot of narrow corridors with poor lighting and no escape routes. I scan the path ahead for doors, for crates, anything which we could take cover behind if we’re discovered.

There is nothing.

Shepard stops dead in her tracks when she hears a noise up ahead – a scraping, almost inaudible, but definitely movement.

At that moment, the light goes out.

I flinch, and instinctively reach for Shepard. I wrap my arm around her and drag her against the wall, holding her close to the plaster in the hope that if our observer tries to shoot, at least they have a chance of missing.

The scratching sound comes again. This time, it’s right in front of us.

I flinch, wishing I could see anything in this pitch black tomb of a building. But without a clear visual, neither Shepard nor I are able to take the shot.

The light above us chooses to reignite at that precise moment, and instantly movement to my right makes me spin about and level my pistol at the intruder.

A keeper.

_A freaking keeper._

Shepard lets out a sigh next to me, dropping her gun as beads of sweat trickle down her forehead. I touch her shoulder in unspoken sympathy, and then move to take up the forward position.

That’s when the grey metal cylinder rolls in front of my shoe.

I let out a yell, raising my arm to shove Kira back.

_Boom!_

Dark grey powder fills the air as the smoke bomb goes off. Shepard chokes and coughs as I scramble up, reaching down to scoop her up by her arms. Kira stumbles to her feet. Together we run back toward the stair well, and I pray against all hope that we’ll be able to find shelter somewhere in the storage rooms above.

“In here!” Shepard has found an open door. She limps inside and I shut the metal door behind her, easing some crates underneath the handle to try and slow our pursuers’ progress. Thankfully, the latch appears to be quite strong. I doubt Rasa will want to pound her shoulder against a steel frame.

I pause for a moment to appraise our surroundings.

The room is bare, albeit for some discarded cleaning equipment and old furniture. An old sofa sits on its side beneath a barred window. Its cushions are gone, leaving rusting springs open to gathering dust. Beside it lie numerous broken crates and headless mops – remnants of a life that this place once had. But it is long gone. It has clearly been years since the dust set in. Layers of it have built up upon the ground, the walls...

Shepard collapses against a wall, her hand pressed against her shoulder as I shove some heavier crates behind the first.

“That should hold them off for a while,” I murmur, turning to see that Kira’s face has lost all of its color.

_The medigel is wearing off._

Suddenly the threat of being caught by Rasa seems pale in comparison to Shepard’s worsening situation. I reach down and gently grasp her bloodied fingers. “Let me look. Please.”

Shepard looks so vulnerable like this. She blinks back tears, nodding in agreement. I carefully peel away her brown leather jacket, scowling at the sight of the growing blood stain. Tenderly I begin to pry the white cotton shirt away from her right side, rolling it up a little so I can treat the wound properly. I administer more medigel – this time, the dose is much stronger.

 “I’m a Spectre – I should have known better than to get caught on a piece of glass. Or at least I thought I did. Ow!” Kira’s eyes fly open and her other hand snaps up to capture my fingers in her vice grip. “ _That_ hurt,” She hisses, her lips curling to reveal her teeth. She almost looks a bit like a wounded animal – a wolf caught in a trap. I can’t help but stare. She’s so beautiful.

I must have stared a little too long because Kira’s brows furrow suspiciously. “What?”

“Nothing, I...” My voice hitches in my throat. I try to force myself back from my distraction, but it isn’t working. “Shepard…”

“Yes?”

“If… If you had found out how to contact me, back before Horizon, what would you have said to me?” I falter, struggling to think clearly.

“Kaidan,” She warns, lifting her hand in protest, “Now is not really the time.”

“No, please. I want to know.” I shift myself down beside her, staring eagerly into her eyes. “I never really gave you a chance to say what you wanted to. And now… Now I want to know what I was too stupid to ask before.”

“What if I can’t?” She says gently. “All those feelings got mixed up with anger and bitterness long ago. It could take me a while to figure them out.”

“Then I guess we both have a way to go,” I reply compassionately, reaching for her hand.

Her brows knit together, and then, after an evident internal struggle, Shepard lets her fingers interlace with mine.

Several moments of awkward silence pass us by. All the while, Kira’s frown slowly begins to unravel, revealing a slightly amused smile. Her eyes glint up at me, sparkling knowingly as I find myself caught in her gaze. She’s barely been back in my life for a day and I’m already under her spell.

 _Just like old times_.

“Your eyes change colour when you’re angry,” I confess.

Her brow arches, and the colour begins to return to her cheeks. “Is that right?”

She tilts her head, and as she does, her hair falls away revealing her long, porcelain neck. Her skin is so smooth, so flawlessly white... I find myself drawn towards her, desperate to brush my lips against her flesh just to discover if it feels as perfect as I remember. The fragrance of her hair mingles with her sweat, and the scent is almost intoxicating. My free hand reaches out with a will of its own, sweeping tenderly across her exposed jaw line to bring her face up toward mine.

For a long, tentative moment, we stare at each other. And then, with a gentle duck of her head, Kira moves closer. Kira’s eyes wander down to my lips, and I can’t help but notice that her porcelain cheeks are flushed. I am gravitating toward her, staring at that beautiful, blushing mouth.

And then it happens: our lips meet, if only for a second. I don’t dare close my eyes. I don’t want to lose this moment, this fleeting second of bliss. She’s watching me, trembling slightly. Her breath washes against my cheek, and out of instinct, my fingers move to caress her waist.

Kira jumps and pulls back, and I instantly shift my hand to her left side. I lift my hand to cup her chin.

“Kira...” I whisper, “You haunted my dreams. Every night. For two years you were right there, but... But every time I reached out to touch you, you would disappear.” I close my eyes and hang my head. “It was so painful to be so close to you and yet so far away. I just... couldn’t believe that when I finally found you again...”

I shiver as her finger presses against my lips, instantly silencing me. “Don’t,” She counsels me gently. “Don’t, Kaidan. Just...” I feel her loving words dancing across my jaw as she leans in again. “Just for now...”

Her mouth caresses mine, her soft lips melding into me as I succumb to my longing for her. Kira’s tension instantly disappears as I wrap my arms around her, drawing her into me. She makes the tiniest noises, quiet sighs and moans. I relish in the sound, remembering how she had used to enjoy my attentions. Shifting my focus from her delicious lips, I begin to suck on the skin of her neck. Kira groans and tilts her head, granting me permission to continue. She smells exactly the same – the subtle fragrance of cinnamon, the lingering, sharp taint of gunpowder mixed with the saltiness of sweat on her skin.

My hands stroke the side of her body, running down to her hips before retracing their steps up to her arms. Her stomach muscles spasm at a stray caress, educing a sharp cry of pain. I gently reposition one hand to the small of her back and the other to cup her chin, being so very careful not to hurt her. I watch as her eyes drift closed at my touch. Her breathing accelerates as I move to kiss her eyelids, trailing down her cheeks and across her jaw line. Gently, I taste her again. Shepard melts against me; her eyes are closed as I tenderly resume my rediscovery of her mouth. My thumb slowly traces the edge of her lips, tempting them to open and allow me entrance. Her eyelashes flicker with pleasure. A quiet gasp resembling my name escapes her lips. I can almost feel her heart rate quicken when our kiss deepens, that familiar and steady waltz renewed long since I thought it ever would be possible.

Suddenly, a cold stab of fear drags me back to my senses.

The warehouse has become deathly still. I break free from Kira’s lips, fighting every ounce of my being to do so.

_Why didn’t Rasa try the door?_

 “Shepard… It’s too quiet.”

Apparently Kira has noticed it too. Her beautiful irises move to examine the room behind us, and almost instantly I see her pupils react in obvious fear. She jolts upright, and in her eyes I can distinguish the shadowy silhouette of the assassin. I turn my head so slowly it’s almost painful.

With a spark, the Cerberus killer deactivates her cloak. She’s standing over us, gun trained on Shepard’s head.

“Well, well,” Rasa coes through lips painted glossy red. “A pair of love birds. And here I was thinking I was just being paid to take down Commander Shepard – now it seems I’m going to be able to murder her lover too.”


	15. Vulnerabilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan realises that Shepard would give anything to save him. But will he be able to stop Rasa before her scheme destroys them both?

**\---2186---**

 

Rasa wraps her gloved fingers around Shepard’s arm, dragging her to her feet roughly. The barrel of the assassin’s pistol digs into my lover’s back, and Kira bites down on her lower lip against the pain. She clings to me the only way she can – through eyes tainted by fear, her gaze screaming at me from across the short distance the assassin now puts between us.

“How pathetic,” Rasa sneers, her hand now reaching up to seize Shepard’s throat. “I had imagined that the great Commander Shepard would be so much more of a challenge. Don’t you agree, lover boy?”

Pinning Kira’s good arm by her side, the assassin’s lip curls fractionally at the cry of pain she manages to draw from her hostage. Without her N7 armour to protect her, Kira is not only vulnerable, but she’s wounded. She may be a marine, but that gash in her side isn’t going to withstand this kind of treatment. I know that the medigel won’t be able to hold off the bleeding forever. It’s only a matter of time. Kira is only too aware of it – the alarm in her eyes only reflects the twisting anxiety that’s knotting up inside my gut. But I remain stonily silent, watching Rasa’s smug demeanour grow with every passing second she goes unchallenged.

I know that Rasa is a tech specialist. In the few brief moments that I have, I begin to formulate how long it would take for me to overpower her. She has her shields active, which in most combat situations would not be an issue. But the problem here is that I don’t have back up. Kira is at the mercy of Rasa’s gun, and mine is lying on the ground at my feet. While I would be able to defuse Rasa’s shields in a second, it would take her a fraction of that time to catch on and I’m certain she wouldn’t hesitate in putting a bullet in Shepard’s back. Even my biotic powers wouldn’t help me – they would take more than a few seconds to recharge. My best course of action right now is to sit tight and hope that a window of opportunity will open...

“What? Not a word?” Rasa seems disappointed. “Interesting. What level of pain do you think it would take,” She hisses in Shepard’s ear, “Before your lover will act? Hmm?”

Rasa twists Kira’s arm behind her back with cruel force. Shepard lets out a wail, her head falling forward in agony.

The air is sucked from my lungs in an instant. Breathless horror takes its place in the vacuum, and my head starts spinning as I see more blood trickle down Kira’s side.

Rasa just re-opened that wound!

“No!” I scream, launching to my feet. My implant buzzes fiercely in the back of my skull, sending a searing hot wave of heat through my brain. Even my eyes begin to burn with the intensity of the biotic energy that’s rushing through my body. “Step away from her – now.”

Rasa smirks at me. “And there he is.”

Instantly the assassin relinquishes her hold on Shepard, letting her fall to the ground. Kira chokes, her arm instantly wrapping about her body in a vain attempt to staunch the bleeding. She props herself up on one hand, staring up at me through a veil of crimson hair.

“Kaidan,” Shepard exclaims weakly, “No. Don’t give her what she wants.”

“Oh I’m afraid it’s too late for that!” Rasa laughs wickedly, tossing her hair over her shoulder. She takes a step towards me, appraising me through glimmering, plotting eyes. “You’ve already given me exactly what I wanted, just by being here. Do you honestly think that I didn’t know you were coming, Alenko? I have known all along about your pathetic little ‘operation’ – what was it called again? ‘Safe Haven’, wasn’t it?” She comes to a stop in front of me, her deadly glare settling on my face. “This must be so humiliating for you. You were meant to protect her, to be her ‘guardian angel’. Instead, your feelings got in the way and just made my job so much easier. Look at her.”

My stomach pitches with rage. Even Kira snarls at Rasa’s back. Her eyes light with a vengeful fire, her teeth barring furiously.

“You’ve failed,” Rasa taunts, “Nobody – not even you – could stop me from getting what I want.”

That’s when I see it – that red smouldering glow. I keep my face utterly calm, but out of the corner of my eye I can see Kira’s tech amp powering up.

But Rasa sees the glow far too late.

A bolt of electricity tears through her, and when it does, I hit the assassin with overload – everything I’ve got. Rasa collapses to the ground, gasping for air. The sheer ferocity of Kira’s neural shock power reduces the assassin to a quivering mess on the floor. Her face contorts in agony, but she’s just conscious enough to be aware of Kira’s form standing directly over her.

“I’m not a ‘nobody’,” Shepard hisses, “And I promised you I’d kick your ass if I saw you again.”

Rasa sucks in a shaky breath, “I’m... Not... Finished with... You, Shepard...”

I snatch up my gun and rush to Kira’s side. “We need to go,” I urge her.

Shepard gives a nod, and I wrap my arm beneath her shoulder to support her. She is leaning against me, and despite the reluctance on her face, I know that she wouldn’t be able to move very far without my help. We reach the door, and I shift the obstacles away from the doorhandle.

Stepping out into the hall, I blink against the darkness. I can’t see anything. The faint glow of my biotics is all the light we have right now, but it seems to be sufficient. I can see the floor a few steps in front of me, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone lurking in wait. We step out and make our way toward the warehouse entrance.

“Kaidan,” Shepard murmurs quietly, her hand resting on my neck tenderly, “Thank you.”

“How about we get out of here before you stop to thank me?”

She chuckles, “I might even let you buy me dinner in my cell.”

“Cell?” I blink at her in surprise before guiding her down the stairs. “So you’re not going to just disappear once this is over?”

Kira arches a brow, “Disappear? To where? I can’t even hide in an alley without someone recognising me.”

“You could change your name, change your face – go blonde,” I wink, and she grins despite herself.

“You know me, Kaidan. I’d hate to disappoint the Council. They’ve been dying to see me in front of a jury for about three years now – and I’m in a mind to let them go through with it.” She bites back a grimace when she takes another step, the uneven ground placing strain on the lesion. “Damn it.”

That’s when I hear the sound of a boot scuffing concrete. We both freeze, and Kira reaches into her belt to draw her gun.

“Set me down,” She whispers.

“What?” I hiss back, “You can’t be serious!”

“Just do it!”

I obey, and Kira slips down against the wall. She props herself up, her knee angled just so that she can balance herself, all the while gaining the perfect viewpoint down the hall. A set of empty crates lie between her and the entryway – from here she’d be completely concealed. She nods at me, and I duck down against the wall opposite. From here I can cover the stairs above her. I reach into my jacket and pull out some extra thermal clips, tossing one to her. I can barely see her in the dark.

At that moment a burst of gunfire erupts from the far end of the hall. Somebody is holed up inside the main warehouse. I chance a quick look around the corner, and to my chagrin I find that Rasa’s accomplices have returned. They’ve established a blockade of sorts to protect them while they fire. Unfortunately for us, that barricade means that reaching the front door is going to be nearly impossible. We would have to pass in front of the open hall without any shelter. While my barrier could provide temporary shelter, with Rasa sitting right above us on that balcony, using my biotics would only give away our position and expose Shepard to direct fire. If Kira wasn’t injured, I might consider it. But I know that Shepard isn’t going to be running anywhere with that nasty wound.

“Give up now, Shepard!” Rasa’s voice bounces off the walls. “And I might let you die more mercifully.”

I turn my attention to the upper floor, sweeping my gun across the balcony in search of the phantom-like killer.

She’s reactivated her cloak.

“Not a chance!” Shepard bellows, a cynical smile twisting across her features. “You’re going to have to come up with a better plan than this!”

“Oh I’ve always got a plan.”

I swallow nervously. That’s not good.

That’s when it happens – a burst of sheer agony sears through the back of my skull, and the world disappears in a violent explosion of blue light.

I can hear wailing: tortured, agonizing cries. I know that they’re coming from my lips, but they feel so far away. I can barely hear through the blinding pain inside my head. I stumble blindly, reaching out for something to hold onto, something to steady myself. But there is nothing – just darkness. My eyes are so tightly shut that the anguished effort is making me sweat. I fall forward. My hands collide with the concrete, shredding my palms. I feel something sticky beneath my fingers, and a wet, hot fluid drips from my nose.

Shepard... Help... Me...

“Kaidan!”

Shepard’s scream cuts through my fog. The sound is like a hot knife, burning and cutting at the same time. I can feel her presence. The energy around me buzzes ferociously, like a ravenous swarm of tiny predators circling my body, waiting for the right moment to tear into me. I can sense Kira on the very edge of the barrier. She’s struggling to reach me, but the biotic field is stopping her, holding her back.

I am trembling violently now. The heat is building, swirling, eating at my thoughts and sending blazing tendrils through every vein in my body.

“It’s... Burning me!” I choke out, shaking and desperately grasping my head in a vain attempt to block out the pain.

Suddenly, it stops.

I am too weak to move. The agony in my cranium, however, doesn’t die down. Through the haze, I can feel hands wrap around me. Soft, tender fingers stroke my clammy forehead, and hold me close.

“Kira...” I gasp, struggling just to breathe.

“I’m here, Kaidan. I’m here.”

I force my eyes open, looking up at her miserably. I must still be glowing, because her face is illuminated with an eerie blue light. She’s utterly terrified, I can see it. Never before have I seen Shepard so frightened.

“I’m not leaving you,” She promises.

And that’s when I see the blood on her hands.

I’m... I’m bleeding.

The thought sends my head reeling, and for a moment I feel my consciousness pitch toward the growing darkness looming on the edges of my vision.

“Kaidan, stay with me.”

A deep, wicked laugh echoes around us. “See, Shepard? There can never be an escape. Not for either of you.”

Kira lets go of me, struggling to her feet. “What have you done to him?” She yells furiously.

“Oh, my dear, it is heart-warming that you’re so very protective of your lover. Tell me, does it hurt you to see him in pain?”

Almost as if Rasa is willing it, my biotics burst out once more, and I let out a strangled cry. My body seizes up, fighting against the crippling waves of energy.

“Tell me, Shepard!” Rasa taunts, “Tell me what you’d give to let him live!”

“Stop it! Let him go!”

The aura around me intensifies, forcing Kira further away from me.

“Tell me!”

“Anything!” Kira concedes, distress racking her and making her voice break. “Please, I’ll do anything you ask.”

Shepard, no! What are you doing?

Horror rises in my throat, choking me even as my implant calms down. I am so utterly drained at this point that I can barely move.

“Good girl,” Rasa praises mockingly. “I knew you’d see sense sooner or later.”

No, no, no... Kira... Get out... Run...

But she doesn’t run. She can’t.

“It’s okay, Kaidan,” She whispers, sinking to the ground beside me. “I’m not leaving you behind.”

“It wouldn’t matter anyway,” Rasa exclaims triumphantly, “The door is bolted shut. You’re not going anywhere – well, not yet anyway. But you are right. Where you go, you’ll go together.”

Rasa folds her arms and leans one gloved hand on the railing of the staircase. She begins her slow descent, her heeled boots clicking ominously against the rusted steel treads.

“Don’t worry, Shepard. I have no intention of separating you from your lover. What’s the saying – ‘til death do us part’? Well let me put it this way,” the assassin’s lip curls in mordant pleasure, “You won’t have to worry about being apart ever again.”

“What have you done?” Kira snarls, putting herself protectively between Rasa and I.

“Oh it was nothing, my dear – just a small trick I learned a few years ago.” The mysterious assassin throws her head back, her tawny hair falling in ringlets down her back. “It’s all in the wrist,” She hints, turning her blue eyes on Kira’s face. “Actually, it’s very effective in bed. It’s a pity you’ll never get the chance to try it for yourself.”

“Tell me what you’ve done!” Shepard launches to her feet with surprising speed, throwing herself at our captor furiously. But the sound of two guns arming behind me makes her halt in her tracks. Kira’s steely eyes drill into the other woman’s furiously. “I will stop you.”

“With a wound that’s slowly draining you alive? And a lover who is entirely under my command? I don’t think so,” Rasa snorts. She waves toward her two accomplices. “Take them into the other room and remove their weapons. I have a schedule to keep – and I’d hate to run out of time for my demonstration.”

Rasa’s minions wrench me off the ground and force me to my feet. Blood rushes to my extremities and I sway unsteadily, groaning in pain.

With a rough shove, I’m pushed down the narrow corridor and out into a large hangar. Here the warehouse opens out into a double-storey space. I can tell by the dust and tracks on the floor that this was where they have been keeping their equipment. They have moved most of it out since, obviously preparing to relocate once their mission was finished.

“Leave the biotic here,” Rasa snaps, “and have the Commander stand at the far end of the room.”

One of the minions knots his hand in Kira’s hair, pulling her head back sharply. His other hand circles her waist, pulling her roughly against him.

Kira growls, barring her teeth at the intrusion.

“Now, Shepard, he’s trying to help you. Show some gratitude.” Rasa sniggers evilly at the display. “Hold her steady, Larson.”

No... Don’t touch her! But the words never make it past my lips.

“And now the fun really begins.” Rasa activates her omni-tool, and almost instantly I can feel an electric charge begin to pool at the base of my skull. “Take a good look at him, Shepard. Isn’t he just striking when he glows like this?”

I grit my teeth, struggling against myself. The power in my implant is growing by the second and try as I might, I simply cannot control it. I attempt to summon a throw, but nothing happens. It feels as though someone has reached their hand into my head, grasped my L2 implant in their hands and is physically manipulating it to their own benefit. In fact, I’m almost entirely certain that’s what Rasa is doing.

“You broke into my medical file,” I groan.

Rasa’s face breaks into a wide grin. “At last, he figures it out! You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to hack an L2 – they’re so antiquated. Powerful, yes, but no security mechanism whatsoever.”

Almost as if to prove her point, Rasa hits a button, and my hand lifts up on its own. My eyes widen in shock. I’m powerless to stop it – my fingers curl into a tight ball, and immediately the biotic energy welling up shoots into my fingers.

Rasa saunters over to me, and brushes a gloved hand along my cheek. “So powerful – so strong,” She whispers in my ear. Her hands trail along my shoulders, and I suppress the urge to shiver. “I can see why she chose you, Alenko. You’re everything she could possibly want in a man. Dominant, but tender. Handsome, but rugged. And that voice of yours...”

The words practically drip from her lips with honeyed, seductive tones. But I’m not interested. She’s not the one who has my attention.

“And your biotic energy would keep a girl oh-so-warm on those cold, dark nights. Tell me, Alenko, did you ever use your power to control the lovely Commander in private?”

Shepard’s eyes narrow furiously, shooting invisible daggers at Rasa’s back.

“You haven’t? More’s the pity.” The Cerberus assassin folds her arms and studies my face intently. “But you have thought about it, haven’t you, lover boy?”

She’s hit a nerve – the truth of the matter is that since Shepard died, my dreams have tortured me in more than one way. Some nights I relive her death. Other nights she feels so real, so warm, lying next to me. But I haven’t told Kira about my dreams. She doesn’t need to know. Rasa on the other hand is just dying to elicit them from me. She’s trying to draw them from me like water from a bottomless well, summoning my deepest secrets up to the surface for all to see.

“How would you use your talents, I wonder?” She goads, circling me slowly. “Would you use them to pleasure her? Or...” Her hand cups my chin and tilts my head so my eyes are forced to meet hers. “Would you use them to tear her apart?”

My throat constricts painfully.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about killing her, Alenko. Because I simply don’t believe you. She betrayed you – let you down, let the Alliance down. She’s a traitor to everything you hold dear.”

“No! Kaidan, don’t listen to her!” Kira protests, struggling against her subjugator’s strong grip.

“When you found her again on Horizon,” Rasa continues, utterly unperturbed by Kira’s objection, “Did she ask you to join her? To come back to the Normandy, stand by her side while she decided the fate of the galaxy from her pedestal?”

“You know the truth, Kaidan! She’s trying to poison your mind!”

I close my eyes against the noise, fighting to stay in control. I want to believe Kira. I’ve always wanted to trust her, more than anything...

“Did Shepard tell you that she was working with Cerberus for humanity’s best interests?” Rasa breathes in my ear, her words sending shudders of disgust down my spine. “Remember that those rosy lips gave the order to kill thousands of innocents, Alenko. The lips you were kissing just minutes ago – those soft, sweet lips – were the same lips that condemned Batarian women and children to their deaths. She can never erase that stain. But you are blind to it because you’d much rather be in her arms than sleeping cold and alone in your bunk. How many other times has she lied to you? How many times has she held a gun to somebody’s head and told you she has no other choice? What if that person someday is you – what will you do then? Believe her?”

“No... Please, no.” Kira’s voice is faint, but I can hear the emotion behind it. “I never lied to you, Kaidan.”

“You have doubted her from the first moment you knew she still lived. You thought she was an imposter, a clone even. Anything that helped to soothe your guilty conscience.” Rasa reaches up and grips my throat, “Because you didn’t want to face the painful reality: That the woman you adored, the hero you worshipped, had betrayed you in the worst way imaginable. She had survived, she had joined with the enemy – and she left you out in the cold, to discover the truth alone.”

“Liar!” Shepard practically screams, and instantly she is repaid by a harsh slap across her jaw. Her head falls to one side. She bites her lip, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Oh my dear, don’t get so worked up,” Rasa purrs, “Your little charade is over. You needn’t bother hiding the truth anymore.”

That’s not the truth – I know it’s not the truth!

Rasa leans in. “She’s not your Shepard anymore, Alenko. She hasn’t been your Shepard for a long time. Your Shepard died. Your hero is still buried deep in the snow on Alchera – this pathetic creature is just wearing her face.”

My stomach lurches at the picture she’s instilling in my mind: Kira frozen, her eyes forever staring up through a sheet of clear ice toward the stars...

“No. These are lies – all lies,” I maintain, grinding my teeth painfully.

“How would you know?” Rasa persists. “You don’t, do you? She hasn’t told you anything meaningful at all, has she? She’s just evaded the questions, using her beauty to lull you into a false sense of security.”

“And I should trust your word over hers?” I bite out.

“Shepard and I are the same,” she trills, spreading her hands and smiling at me courteously. “We’re both killers, we both work for Cerberus, and we’re both adept at changing our faces and our histories. You know it too – that’s why you’re here.”

“What?” Kira chokes, her brows furrowing in consternation. “Kaidan, you trust me. Don’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I murmur.

“Really?” Rasa folds her arms and smirks. “You followed her here because you honestly thought she had good intentions? Drop the act, Alenko. I know that you want her dead just as much as I do.”

Kira gapes at me in horror. “It’s not true... Kaidan, tell me it’s not true.”

A cold finger crawls up my spine. Now I feel it, a pulse rolling from my implant down my arms, up into my throat. My lips move autonomously and I’m horrified to hear somebody else talking with my voice:

“No – she’s right, Shepard.”

Rasa steps back now. “And the truth, at last, is revealed.”

Kira blinks, her mahogany eyes dark and full of pain. Her cheeks drain of all colour. “Kaidan?”

It’s a plea, a one-worded admonition for me to help her. But I can’t – I’m nothing but a powerless whisper of a thought trapped inside a shell. And worse, my enemy has control over every word I say.

“I played along,” my voice drones. “But I have wanted to kill you for a long time.”

Please see through it, Shepard! I don’t want any of this!

Shepard’s captor releases her. She barely moves, her body shaking in new-found horror at what she’s hearing.

Oh hell... She believes it. She really thinks I’m saying these things.

“You... You can’t be serious,” She stammers. “I don’t believe it, Kaidan. You wouldn’t do this.”

I scream inside my head, calling out Shepard’s name over and over, wishing desperately that I could send her some kind of signal to let her know that I’m being coerced.

That controlling voice presses on, ignoring me. “I’m sorry, Shepard. You have lied to me too many times.”

Think, Shepard! For goodness sake, you know me! You have to know it’s Rasa’s deception!

In that split second, I remember the ghastly nightmare I had just a few months ago. It seems like an eternity since then, but I can still see the image just as clearly as I can see Kira standing in front of me now. I’m standing back there on Horizon again, holding that pistol in my hands, watching through helpless eyes. Shepard is clad in Cerberus colours once more, those hideous scars trailing across her skin. My finger moves on its own, the gun goes off...

Rasa strokes my hair. “Now, handsome,” she trills in my ear, “It’s time to show your commander where your loyalties really lie.”

Kira’s mouth opens slightly, but before she can say a word, Rasa taps a button.

My fist clenches so tightly that I can feel the tips of my nails draw blood from my injured palms. The energy field around me hums and spirals, gathering up around my hand. A whirlwind of blue flashes across the warehouse.

Shepard, move! Move now!

But Kira doesn’t move. Instead she is utterly motionless – distracted. She practically lets the wall of biotic energy slam into her, knocking her to the ground. She lets out a faint, breathless cry.

The sound rips into my heart like a dagger.

The strength of Rasa’s control intensifies. Now both my hands are glowing, preparing to launch a new volley at Shepard. This time, I recognise the procedure: A stasis field. She will be trapped, suspended in the air and utterly powerless to escape.

Kira! Get up – I need you to stop me!

My implant has almost fully recharged.

Come on, Shepard, don’t give up. Move!

Kira props her arms beneath her body, struggling to try and push herself up. My chest tightens when I see the blood stain on the concrete beneath her – she’s running out of time.

The screaming inside my head is so loud now that I can’t hear anything else. I’m chanting her name, pleading with her silently to just try. And then it happens: A ghostly howl, an almost unrecognisable sound tears from my throat, and immediately Kira’s head snaps up in astonishment.

“Run, Kira!”

Too late. It all comes too late.

Rasa reclaims control far too easily, and instantly my lips clamp shut.

I release the stasis field, sending it plunging directly toward Shepard. The energy surrounds her, enveloping her in an unbreakable pocket of lightning. My hand guides the field now, lifting her so she’s a distance off the ground. Kira is fighting back, slamming her palms into the sides of the stasis pocket, clawing at it with her nails and kicking her legs fiercely. But it’s not enough. Without the added strength of her armour, she’s virtually powerless. Shepard falls still after a few seconds, her forlorn eyes staring down at me through a mist of blue.

“A prison of your own making, so to speak,” Rasa quips wryly.

“Release him!” Kira fumes.

“Or what? You’ll shoot me?”

Shepard’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Don’t tempt me.”

“You and whose gun?” Rasa cackles at her own joke. “I might take your threats seriously, Shepard, if you were actually dangerous. But you’re not. You’re weak and even more easily ensnared than I thought you would be!”

I can feel the blood running from my nose – my implant is burning too hot. If Rasa pushes me for too long... I don’t want to think about the outcome.

Kira moans and struggles against her bondage. “Kaidan – I know you’re listening. Fight it. I know you can!”

I’m trying!

Rasa moves to stand behind me, placing her fingertips on my temples. “So powerful, so much determination. How do you contain it all, Alenko? Don’t you ever just want to...” Her omnitool flashes in my peripheral vision. “Lose control?”

My arm twists, and with it, the stasis field begins to contract.

Shepard lets out a strangled yell – the biotic cage around her is shrinking rapidly.

“Kaidan, no! Please!”

“More,” Rasa orders me. “Make her scream. Make her beg you to let her go.”

My fingers clench, coiling tighter and tighter.

No! I... Won’t... Do this!

Kira’s eyes squeeze shut against the strain. “Kaidan...”

“I’m not hearing enough begging, Commander!” Rasa jeers.

Agonised tears stream down Shepard’s cheeks. But instead of pleading, she looks straight at me. Her eyes are dark – wickedly dark. Instead of fear, I see determination. And a faint glint, a knowing sparkle that warns me that she’s ready for anything I throw at her.

Rasa slips a hand onto my neck. “Are you ready, lover boy?”

I look to Shepard – just in time to see her wink.

Shepard – what are you planning?

The assassin puts her lips to my ear. “Throw her against the wall – tear her apart.”

Suddenly I’m back in that dream again. Both in dream and the waking, Shepard’s life hangs in the balance. Now, the hideous apparition closes its scarred, glowing hands around mine, pressing my trembling finger into that trigger...

Pull. The. Trigger.

Rasa digs her fingers into my skull, prompting my implant to burn hotter.

“Tear. Her. Apart!”

I can’t stop it. Panic grips me, snatching the breath from my throat. Shepard – I can’t stop it!

The faintest wisp of cool breeze brushes against my cheek. I look up in surprise, only to realise that the breeze is coming from across the room.

Shepard is watching me intently through eyes tinted with red. She doesn’t even flicker, just clings to me through unfathomably dark pupils.

“Don’t let go,” She whispers. It’s the tiniest sound – faint, weak, and yet the energy rising from her skin is terrifyingly strong.

Rasa lets go of me, backing away slowly. She raises her pistol toward Shepard. “Stop it! Stop it now!”

“Or what?” Kira replies steadily, her voice deepening and taking on a menacing tone.

There is a scarlet aura radiating from her body. It’s fighting the stasis field, pushing out through the barrier and reaching toward me. Bolts of scarlet electricity arc against my biotics, and almost instantly I begin to feel them weakening...

Neural shock – of course! Relief floods through me. Shepard’s fighting back!

The assassin is beginning to panic. Where arrogance once held pride of place in her eyes, now Rasa is now overcome by doubt. Her face blanches and she grips the butt of her gun tighter, all the while moving towards the door. Her panic-stricken eyes flash back at Shepard.

Kira is focusing all her attention on lifting her hand. She’s forcing the stasis field away, pushing back against me with all the strength she can muster.

“What... What is she doing?” Rasa directs this question toward her henchmen, only to discover that they have already made a break for the exit. “Where are you going? No! Come back!” She gapes at Kira in disbelief, then at me, before spinning on her heel and following suit. “You haven't seen the last of me, Shepard! I’ll be back to take what is mine!” She screeches, her words echoing across the vast empty space.

By now, Shepard’s amp has charged to full capacity. She discharges it all at once, the formidable detonation almost instantaneously shutting down my implant and disarming the stasis field. My implant summons one last autonomous effort: Warp energy explodes from my body, sending shockwaves in every direction.

But it works – I am utterly severed from Rasa’s control.

The magnitude of the combined biotic and tech flare knocks me back against the far wall. The rough concrete surface slashes at my arms before shoving me away. I land on my back heavily, my head screaming when it comes into contact with the unforgiving, cold floor. For several seconds I can hardly breathe, let alone move. But finally I catch my breath. I roll onto my stomach slowly, every single bone in my body protesting as I do so.

I glance behind me for a brief moment – but there’s no need. She’s gone. Rasa has fled the scene, and for a moment, despite my mortification, I simply have to grin.

“We did it, Shepard!” I rasp.

There’s no response.

“Kira?” I shift again, choking on the fluid that is running down the back of my throat. I run my tongue over my lips and find that they taste metallic. Blood.

Hell, Rasa. What have you done?

“Kira!” I shout louder this time, struggling up onto my hands and knees.

She’s lying there in the centre of the hangar, crumpled against the concrete lifelessly. Her body is facing away from me, but I can see that she hasn’t moved at all.

Oh no... Is she even alive?

“Kira, can you hear me?” My legs shake beneath me when I stand. Overwhelming dizziness sets in, but I push forward, stumbling towards her. I have no other purpose in this moment, no other reason for living except to reach her. Time drags by so slowly it feels as though it’s going to stop altogether. At last I sink down beside her, ignoring the pain in my knees just to catch a glimpse of her face.

“Kira?” This time it is almost a whisper – a breath of hope that I don’t dare let go of. “Oh God. Please, Kira, please...”

I reach down to check her wound. Horror pulses through my veins when I see the amount of blood discolouring her shirt. I activate my omnitool, hitting a button and activating my emergency beacon. I know that Shepard made me promise not to call for C-Sec, but she’s not in good shape and without help, I’m scared that I’m going to lose her again.

There’s too much blood. Far too much...

“Oh no, no...” I lift her up ever so gently, cradling her limply in my arms. “Hang in there, Shepard. Please, please don’t leave me now.” I give her the last dose of medigel, knowing that it will not even be enough to stop the bleeding. But at least it might relieve her pain a bit. “I’m so sorry, Kira. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t – and I really tried. I’m sorry.”

Shepard coughs, her eyelashes flickering. “Kaidan?” She sighs, her eyes turning upward in search of me. Her hand reaches out toward the sound of my voice.

“It’s okay. I’m right here.”

Kira flinches. “So cold...”

I wrap her fingers up in my palm, pressing those wonderful cold fingertips up to my mouth. I gently breathe on them, warming them, rubbing them so very carefully. Her skin turns pink beneath my touch.

“So it turns out that you’re not quite so invincible after all,” I tease.

She shivers and nods slightly. “Stupid glass.”

I chuckle, bestowing a kiss on her palm. “You’ll see it coming next time – right?”

“Right.” Shepard arches her brow, watching me through bleary eyes. She blinks slowly, her lips moving to form a word, but she stops. Instead, she leans back against my chest and murmurs something utterly incoherent. Then, after a few seconds, Kira inquires, “Kaidan?”

“Mmhmm?”

“I like it when you glow.”

I bite my lip to keep from laughing. “I’ll try to remember that—” Her finger presses against my mouth and I swallow the last few words.

“I missed you,” She tells me, though at this point her speech is getting a little bit slurred.

“I missed you too.” My vision mists up.

Kira’s hand is lingering on my face, touching my cheek so softly despite her grogginess. Then she slips her fingers into my hair and pulls me down to her. The kiss is very brief, and so incredibly tender, but my head is still reeling when she lets me go.

Sirens wail in the distance.

“C-Sec?” Shepard murmurs, a definite sadness settling in behind her eyes. “They’re going to lock me away again.”

I pull her closer, wrapping both my arms tightly around her. “I’m not going to let go, Kira. I’ll be with you the whole way.”

“Kaidan?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to go.”

I feel moisture on my shirt, and glance down to see that she’s crying. I gently swipe the pad of my thumb across her cheek. “I know, Shepard. I know.”

When Captain Bailey bursts through the warehouse door a few seconds later, he stops dead in his tracks. I only wish that I could have seen the look on his face when he saw us sitting here, wrapped in each other’s arms and patiently waiting for help to arrive. He is still standing there for all I know. But right now, the rest of the world can wait, because pressing a gentle kiss to Kira Shepard’s forehead is my first priority.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well what's coming next? Probably a little bit of fluff and angst, and then moving onto ME3... A big thank you to all the amazing people who have left kudos and have read this far. You are all amazing! The next chapter is WIP and will be out on July 19th. Take care, all!


	16. Resignation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan narrowly escapes a shocking incident in London, and stumbles across an unexpected discovery. Meanwhile, he relives the moment he had to let Kira Shepard go back into Alliance custody...

**\---2187---**

I stare in horror at the rapidly approaching skycar. Time has slowed – the sounds of life around me fade out into an unearthly silence, the whirling, blurry colours of a world that very soon could be stolen from me. The bright lights daze me, and I fumble to orient myself.

_What on earth just happened?_

I remember the feel of that strong hand on my shoulder, the force of the shove that sent me out into the middle of the road.

_Why is somebody is trying to kill me?_

Another voice screams out inside my head:

_MOVE NOW!_

For the first time in my life, my instincts are not enough. My legs refuse to move. Behind me I can hear the faint cries of helpless onlookers.

I can’t breathe...

_Kaidan!_

I blink, and in my few disorientated moments, I see her sprinting for me: A lean, glistening figure of strength. Her crimson hair is flying in the wind, body leaning into the movement with ease despite her tarnished gold armour; her feet dancing across the asphalt...

“Kira,” I whisper, wishing so desperately that she were real. If she were here, maybe all of this would be different.

“MOVE!” Shepard’s mirage screams, holstering her weapon over her shoulder. Then, in one fluid, wolf-like motion, the apparition leaps toward me.

The skycar gives one last blast of its horn, its lights flashing desperately.

The air is knocked from my lungs as a physical body collides with mine. In a split second, I feel the wind rushing past me, the harsh, relentless pull of gravity, and then the violent collision with concrete.

My body hits the ground hard. Pain sears through my head, like a dozen knives being driven into my skull. I struggle to breathe, to open my eyes. Flaming agony burns the back of my eyes. I find myself blinking back the horrific sensation, desperately trying to focus.

A cold hand brushes against my cheek.

“Can you hear me?”

A ghostly voice swims through my ears...

“Kira?” I let the blunder slip, the effort sapping my energy.

It sounds like her voice. Strong, deep and soft... I can hardly think straight. _This has to be a nightmare_ , I tell myself, shaking in an attempt to force myself out of sleep.

It isn’t working.

“It’s okay – you’re safe now.” That kind voice is still there.

_She’s not real! This has to be a dream!_

“Can you open your eyes?”

_Why are you torturing me like this? You can’t be here!_

“Kira, no...” I murmur, reaching up, searching the air to prove to myself that she’s just a vision. “You can’t be here.”

But even as my hand searches, it connects with a human jaw. My fingers freeze in terror.

I force my eyes open, and instantly my breath is caught in my throat.

Beautiful eyes stare down at me, brimming with concern. Long, dark lashes. Porcelain skin dotted with faint freckles. A pair of rosy lips, shaped exactly like Shepard’s. Wavy red hair...

“NO!” I scream, scrambling back in a flurry, my hands scraping against the concrete furiously. I ignore the pain. “You... You... You can’t be...”

The ethereal woman stares at me in confusion. Her cheeks flush scarlet, and almost immediately she reaches out to me reassuringly.

“Please, I’m just trying to help,” She whispers.

“No, you can’t be here!” I yell insistently. “You can’t be her... It’s impossible... Oh god, Shepard...”

By now a small crowd has gathered around us. Voices rise to mingle with my panicked thoughts. Hands grasp my shoulders, kind words coming from all directions, urging me to stay calm. But I can’t be calm. I _can’t_ be – not while I’m staring into the face of a ghost.

_Shepard, you can’t be here. I know it’s impossible!_

“Wait... Shepard?” The phantom murmurs, her voice fading until I can barely hear her.

_You have her face._

The thought must have crossed both our minds simultaneously, because those almond eyes widen in horror. She pushes herself up off the pavement.

“Oh hell... I... I can’t stay...”

Somewhere in the middle of shock and horror, I feel an urgent cry rise up inside my chest. I stumble forward, grasping her arm roughly before she can disappear.

“Who are you?” I insist, “Please! Just tell me who you are.”

The woman shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m so sorry,” She whispers, then wrenches her arm free. With one last glance over her shoulder, she sprints away, darting across the street and into the crowd on the opposite side of the road.

It is then that I notice a tiny object lying on the ground at my feet. It must have fallen from the stranger’s coat as she struggled, and now I reach down to retrieve it. I’m holding a small book in my hands: a small tome, barely bigger than my palm. The edges are smooth, well-worn and loved. And the cover is lightly embossed with gold lettering. I turn it over in my hands, the recognizable impression of leather brushing against my skin. I turn it face up and a new-found terror pierces my heart. The realisation sends shivers of recognition through me...

The book in my hands is Kira Shepard’s journal.

* * *

 

**\---2186---**

I vaguely recall being tended to by a paramedic. They had insisted that I sit still during the ambulance trip back to Huerta Memorial Hospital. But it is difficult not to get distracted, especially with Shepard lying on the stretcher just across the way from me. Her eyes are only slightly open. I occasionally catch a glimpse of those soft brown irises from beneath her beautiful eyelashes. Kira’s forehead wrinkles just slightly whenever one of the paramedics moves to tend to her side.

She hates lying still just as much as I do.

After a few moments, her white hand reaches out for me. I grasp her fingers tightly. Only once before have I seen her like this, and that was on Eden Prime.

It seems like a lifetime since then. But I can still see the landscape so clearly, taste the salt in the air, and feel the heat of the smoke against my skin. I remember the moment we lost Jenkins, the shot ringing through the air jarringly. Shepard had instantly thrown herself down behind a boulder, her face twisted in horror at the sight of Jenkins’ body lying there in the mud. We had spent the next few minutes fighting off the Geth drones, but once they were dealt with, Shepard had pushed herself up. She steadied herself against the rock, removing her helmet and hanging her head mournfully.

We both knew it was too late, but I moved to Jenkins’ side regardless. No pulse.

“He never stood a chance,” I tell her dejectedly.

“He was a good man,” Kira murmurs, her voice strained and her eyes glassy. She looks up at me, but it feels almost as though she’s looking straight through me, as if she’s somewhere else, some other time... Then, with a brief shake of her head, she focuses. “And he was a good soldier. We will mourn him later – for now, we need to keep moving.”

And move we did.

I see Ashley running toward us, feel the clashing of metal as I tighten my gloved fingers around the pistol grip, and hear the sickening thud of weight hitting the ground when I lodge a final bullet into the head of that last Geth soldier. I’ll always see Ash’s face – fear-stricken and pale, her big dark eyes searching ours when we approached her at length. And from that moment, the second Shepard extended a hand of friendship, we became a team.

The Prothean beacon changed everything.

Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if we had never encountered that wretched pillar of energy. What if Shepard had not been fast enough to push me out of the way? What if I had been the one to receive the cipher instead of her? Would Shepard have been the target of the Council’s hate? Would she have been the one to suffer in that fiery wreck above Alchera? Or would it have fallen to me instead...?

Perhaps that would have been easier. To think that our entire lives hinged on that moment back on Eden Prime. Shepard could have chosen to let me suffer the consequences of my mistake with the beacon. It certainly would have been easier for her. But then again, Shepard never chooses the easier road.

Instead, Kira leapt in headlong, throwing the full weight of her armoured body against mine. I will never forget rolling onto the ground, suddenly free of the beacon’s pull. Stunned and dizzy, I struggled up on my forearms to see Shepard hanging limp in the air, her eyes staring sightlessly into the atmosphere. Green tendrils of power surrounded her, cupping her head and entangling her wrists, holding her there. The force of the Cipher was burning her, but she was utterly powerless against it. Bile rose into my throat and I went to reach for her, but Ash grabbed my arm and held me back. I could feel the heat of the beacon and then heard a soaring, pained scream. It was more than Shepard’s voice that I heard that day. In that horrific moment, I watched her face contort and eyes glow with an otherworldly flame. Worse, I heard the screams of a dead civilisation. I heard the Protheans’ final pleas for help in the split second before they were forever extinguished, their voices rising to the sky in pained wails. And mingled with their heartbreaking song I heard Kira Shepard’s voice, crying out against the pain of their memories...

That image is forever seared into my memory.

That day changed my life in ways I would never have believed it could. Shepard almost died because of me. I’ll never be able to forget the tense ride back to the Normandy, bearing her unconscious body in my arms. Her face had been a sickening shade of white, streaked with sweat and grime. I had been terrified that she might not make it back to the ship in time. Miraculously, she did, and later she woke up from the shattering nightmare. But since then neither of us have truly been the same.

Because that was the day I first realised that I loved Commander Kira Shepard.

Now I’m reliving those memories. Except this time, Kira didn’t throw herself in front of a Prothean Beacon to save me. And this time she’s awake, holding my hand and smiling at me from beneath an oxygen mask.

She lifts the mask for a second. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Her voice is small and weak, and for a second I hardly recognise it. The medication they’re putting into her system is making her more and more drowsy. I know she could fall asleep at any moment, but I don’t want to look away. Not even once. Because even with blood and dirt smeared across her pallid skin, Kira is the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever seen.

“I’m just remembering,” I lean over and brush a stray tress from her forehead.

She blinks, her brow curving upward, questioning.

“Eden Prime,” I add quietly.

The brow relaxes slightly, and immediately Shepard sinks down further on the stretcher. She nods a little, still clasping the oxygen mask to her mouth.

I squeeze her fingers. “I thought back then that you were the most striking being I had ever seen.” My thumb strokes the back of her hand. “But now I’m sure that you truly are the most glorious woman I’ve ever known.”

Her cheeks flush red, and moisture lines her lower lashes, threatening to spill over the rim once more.

“We’re about to land,” one of the paramedics informs me.

I acknowledge her by shifting back in my seat, fastening my harness.

It terrifies me knowing that Rasa is still out there somewhere. Even more so knowing that Shepard is still at her mercy – and at the Alliance’s mercy...

 

* * *

 

 

Anderson and Hackett were both waiting for us to arrive at Huerta Memorial. They had already made arrangements for Kira to be moved to a secure room, well away from prying eyes. Anderson had also managed to secure the aid of Doctor Chakwas. She too was waiting on the shuttle pad, and instantly rushed to Kira’s side the moment the stretcher was lowered from the craft.

When I emerged a moment later, standing on my own, albeit with a slight tremor in my legs and arrayed with a fresh bloom of bruises and blood stains, I found myself face to face with Anderson. He appraised me with a calm countenance. No emotions were betrayed by those dark eyes, and for a long moment my gut twisted in consternation. Then, a smile broke through, and my old Captain pulled me in for a hug.

“You had us scared half to death, Alenko,” He tells me sternly now, stepping back and taking in my injuries. “What the hell happened?”

“It’s a long story Sir,” I manage to get out before Karin Chakwas plants her tiny figure in between us.

“What in blazes were you thinking, Commander?” She bites out, her hands balling up on her hips furiously. “The two of you going off like that. You could have been killed!”

“Easy, Doctor,” Anderson interjects calmly, placing a reassuring palm on her shoulder. “How is Shepard doing?”

Chakwas is still fuming – as clearly evidenced by the dark lines around her eyes – but she settles marginally at Anderson’s change of topic. “She’s stable. The injury, at first glance, seems quite large and she has lost a lot of blood. Thankfully the laceration does not appear to have been deep enough to penetrate any of her organs. But I will have to do a full assessment before I’ll be able to brief you on the full extent of the damage.” She turns back to me, that boiling temper lingering just beneath the surface of her composed facade. “How did it happen? I need details.”

I relate as much as I can to Doctor Chakwas over the next few moments – the bomb, our mad dash to safety, meeting up with one of Shepard’s squad mates before taking refuge at the motel. And then I explain that thanks to Rasa, Shepard caught a shard of glass in her right side. Finally Chakwas seems to be sated – for now, at least. She curtly informs me that she will be taking Shepard to theatre for a full appraisal and surgery. Then, with a last glower in my direction, turns sharply on her heel and marches away, barking orders at the nurses.

“We’ve all been put through the wringer over the past twenty-four hours – not least of all you. We were all waiting back here for news. It was a difficult few hours, especially with so little information on your safety. She was worried, you know,” Anderson says beneath his breath, “Can you blame the Doctor?”

“For hating me? No, not really.” I grimace at a twinge in my back. “Chakwas was right. It was my fault.”

“From what I just heard, Alenko, you did everything you could to protect Shepard.”

I look up at him out of the corner of my eye, “Honestly, Councillor? I’m not sure whether I was protecting her, or whether she was protecting me.”

“From this mysterious Rasa?” Hackett joins us now, his silvery brows drawn tightly together above his stern blue eyes. “I’ve heard the name before, but I had hoped it would be for the last time. I think we need to have a chat, Commander Alenko.”

“Not before he has been medically assessed,” a soft, French accent addresses us now. I turn to see Doctor Chloe Michel strolling toward us. “He has suffered trauma of his own, Admiral. The Paramedics tell me that your implant was strained quite badly, Alenko. If you do not mind, then I would like to ensure that it has not been damaged?”

I look to my superiors for clearance.

“Go, Doctor,” Anderson nods, “We’ll be waiting in the foyer until you’re done.”

 

* * *

 

**\---2187---**

 

It has been more than two years since I last laid eyes on Kira’s journal. She had brought it with her to my parents’ orchard in British Colombia, and I remember that she had spent a few hours each week writing in it. Her favourite spot had been in the rocking chair beneath the southern windows, where the sunlight would stream inside each afternoon and cast a beautiful warming glow on her while she wrote. I had often sat across from her on the sofa, reading a book of my own choosing. Though, half the time my attention was on her instead of the page. Her eyebrows would all but disappear in the fierce golden light; all I could see were her irises shining gold and a mane of glorious auburn hair.

Every afternoon she would finish writing, turn to the back of the volume and smile at something she had concealed there, and then tuck her pen inside the cover. On bare feet she would tread upstairs, place it on the nightstand, and then pad her way back down to me. It was a pattern she repeated several times. Kira had always been a creature of habit. She hated change and was often fairly verbal about it when the Council decided to spontaneously revise her agenda. Oddly enough, I don’t recall seeing that little notebook at all on the Normandy during those last few weeks. She must have known it was missing, surely. Perhaps it was a deliberate move on her part: leaving the book behind in a place where nobody would think to look for it in BC, where it would wait for her to return in a few months time. That could have been her plan all along. Either that or Kira was secretly frantic, and simply never wanted to bother me about it.

Now, as I sit in Doctor Chakwas office, I stare in wonder at the tiny journal.

Who was that woman? Why did she look so alike to Shepard? And how on earth could she have gotten her hands on this book?

A few years ago I would never have dreamed of opening it, reading Kira Shepard’s innermost secrets. Who would have thought that after knowing the woman beneath the armour, that I would find the discovery of her journal so intimidating. But intimidating it is and I have to wonder whether she would have smiled at my chagrin now.

“It’s just a book you know,” Shepard’s voice whispers in my ear, and I visibly jump.

“You’re back?” I murmur, a faint smile crossing my features.

“You hit your head rather hard – and besides, I wouldn’t miss this moment for anything.” Kira’s apparition takes a seat on the chair opposite, tucking her folded hands up beneath her chin. “I was wondering how long it would take you to remember about that old thing.” She nods toward the journal.

“I was busy,” I retort defensively.

“Throwing yourself in front of speeding cars?” Kira grins sardonically.

“That was hardly intentional.”

There is a long pause, and then, “Well?”

I frown. “Well what?”

Shepard rolls her eyes and sits back in the chair, “ _Well_ are you going to read it or not?”

“It’s your journal. I don’t know if...”

“Oh for goodness’ sake.” Kira pushes herself up, moves to stand behind me, and then reaches out to put her hand over mine. With a gentle flick of her invisible wrist, she uses my fingers to pry open the book’s cover. “There.” The vision tucks her head into my shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to my neck. “Consider this my giving you permission.”

I feel the cold settle back in across my skin when she pulls away. “You’re leaving – so soon?”

“I’m right there,” She taps the cover of the book in my hands. “Besides, you know where to find me again – you always do.” Shepard brushes her hand across my cheek. “Don’t forget me, Major.” I turn around, hoping to catch one last glimpse of her, but the mirage has already faded.

“Alenko?”

Karin Chakwas folds her arms and smirks at me from the doorway.

I slam the journal shut, feeling my cheeks flush heatedly. “Any news for me?”

“None at all – you’re just fine.” Karin smiles, “You took a hard blow back there, so that migraine of yours is quite likely to deteriorate into something crippling later on. I can give you some painkillers, but apart from that you just need to rest.”

“What about that woman?” I ask, pushing myself off the chair and meeting the Doctor in the hallway. “I swear, Doctor, she was the spinning image of Shepard. I couldn’t have been imagining it – could I?”

“I don’t know, Alenko. Could you?”

“You think I’m not seeing things accurately?”

“I think that you hit your head,” Karin remarks pointedly. “And I think that sometimes you like to _over-think_ things.”

“I’m not crazy,” I retort in annoyance, folding my arms for emphasis. “And we both know it couldn’t have been the _real_ Shepard. It’s simply impossible. But I swear, Doc, she had the same hair, the same smile – even her voice. I thought I was hearing Kira in my dreams again.”

“Cerberus did dabble in cloning. We know that for a fact,” The doctor remarks.

“It wasn’t a clone.” I am stressing now, pacing the room, reflexively tapping fingers against my temples. “She was so real, so much like Kira and yet...” I hesitate and look up to find Chakwas studying me through anxious eyes. “I’m sorry, Doc. I’m just a bit highly strung right now.”

Karin rubs her forehead and sighs. “How much sleep did you get last night, Kaidan?”

I wither a little under her knowing gaze. “Maybe you’re right. Perhaps I should just go. I don’t really think either of us can answer any more questions today.”

“Just be careful, Alenko,” Chakwas offers kindly, her hand touching my arm. “Somebody just tried to throw you under a vehicle. Please – go see the police. Talk to them.”

“What can they do?” I answer in frustration. “They’ve already spoken to me. They said that even though the incident took place in front of a group of people, _nobody_ saw the culprit – how are the police going to help me?” I shake my head. “I’ll just keep one eye on the shadows, alright?” At the apprehension on her face, I add, “Don’t worry, Doctor.”

“Oh I’m not worrying,” Karin recovers, and forces a tight-lipped smile. “I’d just hate to see anyone hurt you.”

“You’ve been saying that for four years now,” I reply light-heartedly.

“And for four years, various people _have_ been hurting you,” She adds with a laugh. “I rest my case.”

I twist my face up at this. “You sound just like my mother when you talk like that.”

“Then your mother is a wise woman. How is she, by the way? I didn’t get to ask earlier.”

“She’s doing well – staying with friends in BC,” I answer. “I’ve asked her to come visit, but getting a transport these days is proving difficult. So many shuttles have been requisitioned to transport supplies. Moving people is a lesser priority than supplies apparently.”

“Well, I’m glad she’s pulled through it all,” Karin tells me. “You’d better get moving though, Alenko. You’re running late.”

I snort. “You sound _just_ like my organiser VI.”

“What can I say? I’m a talented impersonator.” The doctor laughs and waves at me over her shoulder. “Now go on, Major – get out of my office.”

 

* * *

 

**\---2186---**

 

Karin Chakwas finally confirmed the good news: Not only was Shepard out of surgery, but she was already showing positive signs. Apparently her ‘improved muscle strength and hardened skin weave’ played an important part in reducing the damage from the glass shard to a minimum. There had been significant blood loss, but nothing major had been severed or pierced. Shepard would be well on her way to recovery after a few days of bed rest – aided by the heightened healing speed granted from her implants, naturally.

Furthermore, Karin had received a confidential message from an encrypted sender providing a new code to permanently disable Shepard’s tracking beacon. The message also said that this code would not be able to reactivate the implant’s signal – that, in fact, the Alliance would now be able to recode the implant if they so desired. Doctor Chakwas told Anderson later that she had recognised Miranda’s encryption code. In addition, a small attachment provided a blocking code for my L2 implant. Miranda had made sure that Rasa would not be able to control me again. Even now, it seemed that the Cerberus leader is pulling on strings to try and provide Kira with a higher level of security among the people she loved.

For the first time it hit me: Shepard had not only won the hearts of her crew, she had convinced them to turn against the organisation they had sworn an oath to. Kira truly had done the impossible.

Finally, after hours of report writing, being examined at length by Doctor Michel, and being prodded for more information verbally by Doctor Chakwas, I finally was given permission to sleep. My head throbbed violently by that point, but I was grateful for a bit of silence. The only request that I did make was that I be allowed to sleep in the spare cot in Shepard’s room. Chakwas initially glared at me, but Anderson just smiled.

So here I am, lying in the small bed opposite to the window. To my left is a glass panel looking out into the hospital hallway. On my right, a small table, a chair, and then a larger bed. Beyond it, a floor-to-ceiling glass wall overlooking the Presidium. It never ceases to amaze me how the Citadel can be bright as midday one moment, and then utterly dark the next. I don’t know quite how the keepers manage it – the weather, the days, the seasons. And yet it happens. Somebody out there can just flick a switch and a new 26-hour day begins.

_Just a flick of a switch._

That’s all it took for Rasa to control me like a puppet.

I grimace, clenching my jaw. I roll onto my side, tearing my eyes away from the numbing mindlessness of the ceiling.

I had tried to go to sleep once before, but the combination of the tenderness in my skull and the nightmares were enough to chase away that ambition. Every time I close my eyes, I see Shepard. First, she’s lying on a cold metal slab in a Cerberus laboratory somewhere. She’s struggling to breathe, bloodied and burned, barely alive. Ghostly men stand around her, their hands gloved and faces masked. And somehow, I’m there. She reaches out for me, but I don’t hold her hand. I turn and walk away, guilt racking me. Then the scene changes. Now Shepard is floating mid-air in my stasis field, staring at me through flaming eyes, whispering condemnations. In my mind, I turn to run, terror overwhelming me. But there are no doors, no windows. Flames consume us and I’m powerless to save Shepard – or myself. And I wake up in a cold sweat, terrified that she hates me and that nothing I say can make her trust me.

To be entirely honest, it’s almost impossible to sleep when the rest that should be inviting has turned itself into the worst form of torture imaginable.

Shepard seems to be sleeping quite soundly, her silhouette illuminated by the faint blue glow of the nebula outside. She has barely moved all night. I guess it’s probably a combination of sleep deprivation and those pain-killers Chakwas pumped into her following surgery.

Though I do have to wonder whether before, on the Normandy SR2, she got any real sleep at all.

I know that she was more alone than she likes to let on. But the simple truth is that since she’s returned to the Citadel, I have barely heard her mention any of her crew mates by name. She certainly hasn’t disclosed any information about their current locations, or where the Normandy made a twelve hour detour to before she surrendered. Kira certainly hasn’t mentioned anything about her previous mission. I wonder whether that is because of my palpable uneasiness – or whether it is because she’s trying to forget about Cerberus and what they did.

I still can’t fathom it: In their wisdom they decided to save her by building tech into her living, breathing body. I can’t even begin to imagine how much pain she must have endured at their hands. But there doesn’t seem to be any part of her that they haven’t upgraded: her muscles, her skin, even her figure seems more... _Beguiling_ then it did before, if that is even possible. And yet, despite my attraction to her, I’m terrified. If what Miranda said is true, how many other implants are inside Shepard’s body? Are they booby traps, fail safes that the Illusive Man can activate as a last resort? Is there a control chip in her brain? What if she’s not even in control of her own decisions anymore? And even if she is, how will we be able to tell if Cerberus hacks her implants, just like they did mine?

It turns my stomach just thinking of the possibility that Cerberus could control Kira so easily, turn her to their dastardly purposes with so little as a signal sent to the right implant at the right time...

_Just like Rasa did to me._

When I look at Shepard, I am keenly aware of how much I’m coming to love her. Even after all this time apart I can still read her: every little movement, every nervous tremor, even the emotional undertone in her voice when she murmurs my name in her sleep. But I’m painfully aware that even as my passion grows, so do my doubts.

I’m biding my time.

_I only just managed to coax her heart into a flame again – I don’t want to crush it beneath my heel and grind it out now._

But I know better than anyone – when tomorrow dawns, I’ll have to leave. And there is a good chance that I’ll never see Kira Shepard again. I think about saying goodbye, letting go of her for the third time, and instantly I feel the waves of guilt and loneliness pitching inside me.

_I wish there was another way._

I take a deep, shuddering breath and dare to close my eyes. This time, instead of horrific scenes of flames and blood, I find the memory Kira’s lips on mine. For a fraction of a second I let myself give in, reliving the all-too brief moment of forbidden passion we shared in that storeroom.

A faint murmur pulls me reluctantly from the reverie. I blink into the darkness, hoping that the sound didn’t inadvertently come from me.

“Kaidan...”

It’s Shepard – she’s moving in her sleep now. She must be coming to. This time round, instead of the violent thrashing and agonised cries of the night before, the sound is low and sad. I push away every thought of rest, instead straining to focus on her face through the gloom.

“Kaidan – stay.” The words strike me dumb, and instantly I’m transported back in time to the night before Ilos.

_She’s reliving it!_

Shepard turns again, her blanket slipping off one side of her body. She’s dressed in an Alliance issue shirt and those little navy shorts – again, I gather, thanks to the ever obliging Karin Chakwas. But I realise that without that blanket, she’s likely to get quite cold before morning.

I bite my lip and swing my legs over the side of my cot. I tread toward her bed on bare feet. Then, with deft hands, I gently grasp the edge of the covering and pull it over her once more. It seems my hands remember our time together better than my head does, because she barely stirs. For a long moment, I linger beside her, staring down at the blissful peace on her beautiful features. Those almond eyes, dark lashes lying so elegantly against her gorgeous white skin...

Tears well up in my eyes, and I bend down to press a feather-light kiss to her cheek. “I’m sorry, Kira.”

I turn to walk back to my bed, but a strong white hand swiftly snaps out and wraps around my forearm.

Biting back a cry of shock, I spin about to see Kira staring at me with wide, emotion-filled eyes.

“Where are you going?” She whispers, her voice rough from sleep.

“Back to bed,” I reply gently, knowing that lying isn’t going to hide the heated flush that’s spreading across my cheeks.

The truth is that I was contemplating leaving. I know that when morning comes I’ll have no other choice – Anderson will be arranging for new housing for Shepard while we speak, and I know that as soon as she’s relocated, I’ll be resigned to watching over her from a distance. There will be no gentle touching of fingers, no tender brushing of cheeks or lips, no way for me to even speak to her.

Can she already know that? Is that why she’s hanging onto me so tightly?

“Did I wake you?” I query.

“Did you want to?” Is the immediate reply. Those warm eyes haven’t shifted from mine.

My mouth goes dry. “Shepard...”

“Don’t say it.” She sits up and pulls on my arm so that I’m sitting on the bed next to her. “I know you were thinking of sneaking out.”

“I wasn’t sneaking—”

“Sure looked like it from here.” Kira shakes her head, and as a stray curl falls across her face, she turns away. “I’m sorry I haven’t been very good company.”

“That’s not it – not at all.” I smile and stroke the back of her hand. “And besides, your sleep talking was rather entertaining.”

Shepard blushes a deep shade of crimson. “I... I sleep talk?”

“Yes,” I say with a deep-throated chuckle.

“Oh heck.” She covers her cheeks with her hands. “What did I say?”

“Well, my name seems to pop up a lot.” I raise my brow knowingly and wink.

Kira dissolves into fits of laughter. “I bet you enjoyed that!”

“Maybe just a little bit,” I concede, smiling at her through eyes brimming with kindness. “It’s nice to hear you’re having some good dreams too. Before you sounded... Like you weren’t sleeping well.”

She grows serious. “I didn’t sleep much on the Normandy.”

“I know.”

“You did?” Kira frowns at me. “How could you tell?”

“Your eyes,” I tell her honestly. “They were so distant at times, glassy, as though you couldn’t focus.”

“Kaidan...” Her breath hitches and her hand reaches up to sweep along my jaw. “It wasn’t the same without you.”

I close my eyes and sink into her touch. “Nothing felt right for me either.” I study her features in the moonlight, admiring for the thousandth time the gentle slope of her straight nose, the softness of her cheekbones, the smooth chin and angular jaw, the thick brows that tilt up ever so slightly above her eyes. “You are going to be the death of me, you know.”

Her arms reach out to wrap around me, and instantly I move to embrace her. The feeling of her safe in my grasp is beyond describable. Instead of fear, instead of staring into her face and praying that she’ll pull through, now I allow myself to relax. She’s here. She’s safe. She’s mine – even if just for a few minutes.

“Please tell me you’ll stay?” She breathes, searching my eyes for any sign of hope. “I couldn’t bear it if you left again.”

“I don’t know... I don’t know if the Alliance will let me see you again.”

“Will you try?” Kira squeezes my hand. “For me?”

 “I can’t make any promises, Kira. I wish that I could. But I will tell you this: if you ever need me again, I’ll be there.”

“No doubts?” She whispers hopefully.

In all honesty I can’t tell her that I am entirely trustful. But the truth is that I do love her. And I want with all my heart to believe her. It’s Cerberus I don’t trust – it’s their underhanded tactics and heartless motives that scare me. And until I know for sure that Shepard is free of their talons, I can’t let go of my doubts. Not completely. I’ll be there for her, fighting beside her if I can, but until I get some more answers, I can’t let my guard down completely.

But thankfully I’m spared from answering her right away. I hear deep, steady breaths, and with a fluttering heart, I look down to see that Kira has fallen asleep.

I press a kiss to the top of her head and shift slightly so that she can rest more easily.

“Not for tonight,” I breathe. “I’ll be afraid tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sure enough, my worst fears are confirmed the next morning. 

Shepard had sunk into a very deep sleep against me and, despite my longing to be near her, when rest didn’t find me, I sought the company of a hot mug. When the first light of day appeared through the window, I slipped away quietly, leaving her to sleep off the hangover from the aesthetic. I had grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, seeking the solace of a quiet walk along the near-empty Presidium. Now I’m returning after about an hour, carrying two hot cups of coffee.

I step into the hospital hall to find Anderson chatting with Hackett.

“Alenko,” he beckons for me to join them.

 “Admiral, Councilor,” I acknowledge.

“Good to see you up – you’re looking much more steady on your feet today,” Anderson tells me kindly.

“Apart from the remnants of a headache and some bruises, I’m doing much better.” I set down the cups on a shelf behind me and accept a datapad from Hackett. “The relocation order?”

“It came through early this morning,” The admiral informs me. “As soon as she’s awake, we’ll be moving her to an Alliance cruiser. From there it will be about twelve hours to Vancouver.”

My head snaps up at this. “Vancouver, Sir? You’re taking her to Alliance headquarters?”

“She’ll be much safer there, Alenko.” Anderson is trying to reassure me, but it isn’t working too well at this stage.

I grind my teeth. “Sir, the Council is practically foaming at the bit just waiting for a chance to tear Shepard apart. Sending her back to Earth to Alliance HQ is like rescuing her from the fire just to throw her into an icy lake. The Alliance is not prepared to hear her out.” I shake my head in frustration. “They won’t listen, Sir. Not until the Reapers descend over their heads and wipe out everything around them. And then they’ll be at her feet begging her to help them.”

“I do have some sway with the Admirals,” Hackett says quietly. “But you’re right. There is not much hope for Shepard either at home or on the Citadel. The only thing that can sate the Council’s anger is her ruin. At least if she’s on Earth, we can try and look out for her.”

“And what would you like me to do?” I straighten my back. “If they’re going to lock her away, at least let my squad and I carry on looking out for her.”

“Officially, Operation Safe Haven never existed.” Anderson folds his arms. “But I’m sure I can twist a few arms to get your squad moved to Earth, Major.”

“Thank you.” My shoulders sink with relief, and I shake both of their hands in turn. “Please don’t breathe a word of this to Shepard.”

“I doubt we’ll have to,” Hackett laughs. “She has a way of figuring things out.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate the gesture on your part, Alenko,” Anderson interjects lightly. “It’s Udina we have to worry about.”

I scowl. “He heard about all this?”

“Oh yes – and last I saw, he was pacing his office like a caged lion, growling at the ceiling fixtures and plotting various ways to cast me down from the pedestal he thinks he deserves.” Anderson rubs his chin. “Frankly, I’m sick of the vain little man. Stuff the Council. I’m thinking of giving up the post and coming back to Earth with you.”

“I’m sure the Alliance would be glad to have you,” Hackett adds. “I can speak to them today if you’d prefer.”

“Let me deal with Udina first.” Anderson grins at me, and then remarks, “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he is deprived of his petty war. He’s been planning it for years. I almost feel sorry for him.”

“If I can speak freely, Sir?”

“Certainly, Alenko,” Hackett smirks.

“Should the opportunity present itself for a hard smack across the face – take it? For Shepard.” I grin as I retrieve the coffee cups. “And for me.”

Both men laugh, and with a satisfied smile, I saunter away.

Shepard is still asleep, lying on her stomach with her arms tucked up beneath her pillow. But she stirs when the door glides open. I step toward her, placing the coffee cup on the table next to her.

“Good morning,” I address her cheerfully, attempting to cover the deep-rooted uneasiness in my chest.

“Morning.” Shepard’s words always tend to come out as more of a slur at this time of day. But she makes a concerted effort to push herself up on her elbows. One hand slaps up to shove a fistful of hair out of her face, and then, blinking at the cup, she mutters, “You brought me coffee.”

“You don’t want it?” I ask cautiously.

“Course I _want_ it,” Kira blurts, her eyes struggling to focus on me. “Just, nobody has done that for me in a while.” The closest thing I’ve ever seen to a smile on Shepard’s face in the morning – a slight twitch of her mouth – confirms that she does enjoy the gesture. “Thank you,” She concedes, reaching for the cup.

I take a seat on the chair across the room, watching in fascination.

Kira’s movements are slow and deliberate. For a long moment, she holds the cup to her lips and then takes a very tentative sip. She closes her eyes and nods, setting the cup back on the desk. “It’s good.” Then she runs a finger along the arch of her nose and studies me through bleary eyes. “You’re here to tell me that they’re moving me.”

My heart sinks into my shoes. “How could you tell?”

“You’ve got that sad look in your eyes – like you did last night when I asked if you had doubts.” Her head sinks forward, and I hear a weary sigh escape her lips. “I was hoping we’d get more time.”

“They’re worried for you,” I tell her gently. “They want to make sure you’re somewhere safe.”

“But what about you?” Her speech is getting clearer now. Shepard’s gaze meets mine, and for a second I see betrayal in her eyes. “What do _you_ want, Kaidan? Because I’ve asked you that before and you’ve given me the official line. I want to hear what _you_ want.”

I intertwine my fingers anxiously. “I want to know that you’re going to be okay, Shepard. And I want to understand that you’re really free of Cerberus once and for all.”

“Is... Is that it?” Kira gapes a little, shaking her head. “That’s all?”

“That’s all I _can_ hope for right now.”

A dejected look crosses her face. Shepard slips out of bed tentatively and grimaces at the twinge in her side. She steps toward the glass, racking her good hand through her hair. “What are we doing, Kaidan?”

“I don’t know,” I confess, hanging my head in shame. “We both know this had to end – I don’t know if I’ll even see you again.”

Kira turns to me, crossing the room to kneel in front of me. She clasps my hands in hers, and looks into my face with earnest eyes. “Just tell me one thing, Kaidan. And after, I’ll walk away – I won’t fight them, I won’t even cry. But please, tell me the truth.” She cups my face in her hands. “If you had to trust me to save your life, to choose between you and Cerberus – would you trust me to make the right decision?”

A suffocating ache, like a fist forcing its way up my throat, stifles me. I feel the burning sensation behind my eyes, the tell-tale heat in my cheeks. I am staring into those glorious mahogany depths, wishing that I could give her the answer she’s holding out for. But instead, my gut churns at the thought of Cerberus controlling her. I twist my head free of her grasp.

“I’m sorry,” I choke out.

Kira’s hands fall to her sides. Shattered, she steps back and turns away.

“That’s all I needed to know.”

“Shepard...” I whisper, regret clawing at my insides.

“I need to get ready,” She cuts me off abruptly, turning her back on me. “I’m sure you have things to do.”

Dejected and broken, I step back out into the hall. The only thing I have left now is the coffee cup in my hands. I am still standing there several minutes later when Shepard steps out. Anderson takes her by the arm, and as two other officers move to escort her to a shuttle, I watch helplessly. She is getting further and further away. My heart beats in my ears, pleading silently with her, begging her to just turn around...

_I’m a fool, Shepard. Please. Please look at me – just once._

Kira steps out through the glass doors. And then, briefly, she lifts her head.

_I’m sorry._

Her face is hard, but even from here I can see her lower lip tremble. The wind catches her hair, the morning radiance dancing across her shoulder-length tresses in shining waves. She turns away, disappearing at last into the daylight. And I’m left standing here – alone, just as I deserve to be.

_“Tell me when you’re ready, Kaidan. I’ll be waiting for you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another lengthy chapter! And a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, leave kudos and comment. It means the world to me - you guys are all fantastic. ^_^ Hopefully I'll have the next chapter finished by August 2nd.


	17. Endurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finally gathers up the nerve to open Kira's old journal, reading for the first time about the horror of Akuze. But that is not the only secret that Shepard's leather-bound book holds...

Emily Wong is pacing in front of the cafe when I arrive at a quarter past two. I stumble out of the taxi, pay the driver and skulk towards her slowly. She turns to stare at me, her shoulders sinking in relief. I’m nursing several bruised ribs and a wrenched collarbone, but Emily doesn’t know that. She pulls me into a tight hug. I let out a loud hissing sound, and she jumps back in dismay.

“Oh my goodness, Kaidan! What happened to you? You look like... Like...”

“Like I’ve been in a car wreck?” I groan, clenching my teeth as she touches her cold hand to my arm. “Nothing quite that exciting, I’m afraid.”

“But your eye... And your shoulder!” She stares up at my discoloured skin, biting her lip. “Did you get into a fight?”

I swallow a chuckle, the force of the effort causing my ribs to throb. “No, no. An idiot on the street tried to run me down earlier when I was on my way out of the doctor’s surgery.”

Emily’s brows shoot up. Her fingers clasp my arm so tightly that I’m half terrified that her nails will draw blood.

I hold up my hands defensively, rushing to reassure her. “Don’t worry, there’s no damage done.”

I’m not about to tell her what _really_ happened – that someone deliberately pushed me out into the middle of the road. Or that I was saved by a mysterious stranger who looked the spinning image of Kira Shepard. Or that the person responsible for the incident was never found. It’s hard enough for me to swallow, and I’m a hardened navy officer. Emily doesn’t need this extra strain on her life when she’s already trying to handle so much.

Emily is peppering me with questions, but I shrug them off.

“It’s fine, Emily. I’m here, in one piece, and C-Sec is looking into it.”

“Kaidan – somebody just tried to kill you.” She crosses her arms. “Seriously, are you okay?”

I laugh at the irony of it all.

“What?” She looks bewildered now.

“Sorry, it’s just – well, when I was with Shepard, we always seemed to be running and dodging death in some way or another. People trying to kill us became the norm, not an incident to be distressed about.” I suck in a breath and smile sympathetically. “Honestly, I’ve missed the thrill of it. Having someone push me out in front of a car seems tame compared to staring down a Reaper.”

Emily’s shoulders sink, and she grins lopsidedly. “Well when you put it that way, it does seem petty. Just don’t go jumping out in front of sky-cars to rediscover that thrill, okay?” She studies my eyes when I laugh, but once she appraises that I’m not about to tell her anything more, she decides to change the topic. “How about a coffee?” She offers, nodding toward a table in the far corner. “You can show me what you’ve done with your latest chapters.”

We sit in the booth, enjoying the warmth radiating from the nearby heater. Emily reaches for the menu, and after a moment of silence, lowers the page to glance at me. Her eyes narrow expectantly. But now, instead of offering her the datapad, I hold out the leather-bound journal.

“What... What is this?” She asks, leaning back fractionally in her seat.

“It’s Shepard’s journal,” I murmur, running my fingers over the well-worn cover.

Emily gapes at me in surprise, staring at the book in disbelief. “But – what? Kaidan, why didn’t you tell me you still had this? It could have been invaluable for the manuscript—”

“I didn’t have it. Well. Not until half an hour ago.”

Her eyes widen. “You didn’t? Then how... How did you get it? Where was it?”

I shake my head slowly. “The truth is that I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I found it after the incident on the street. It was like somebody just left it there for me knowing I’d see it.”

“But it could have been in _anyone’s_ hands,” Emily worries her lower lip, watching me anxiously. “What if it’s been tampered with?”

I moan and sink back against the cushioned bench, rubbing my jaw in distraction. “I wish I knew where it came from, who had it and why. The last time I saw that book was back on our first shore leave together. It’s been years since then, and up until now, I had believed it was destroyed along with the Normandy and all the rest of our personal belongings from back then.” I swallow the bitterness, masking the pain. “But I guess now that it’s here, I need your help.”

“My help?” Emily crosses her arms. “Wait a second – are you suggesting that _I_ go through her diary? Because frankly, I think if Shepard were here, she’d protest.”

_“Damn right I would.”_

The all-too familiar voice in my ear makes me jump. I shiver at the warm sensation of Shepard’s company, doing my best to ignore the mirage’s existence in front of Emily.

 _Not now, Kira,_ I hiss mentally.

The phantom Shepard folds her arms, lingering just out of view, an ever-present ghost in the corner of my peripheral vision. “ _Stop avoiding me, Kaidan. Admit it – you’re scared to open those pages. You don’t want to know what’s really in there._ ”

 _Of course I do!_ I bite out mentally. _Well. Not that I want to pry, it’s just... This was yours, not mine. I don’t want to go where I’m not welcome._

“ _I’ve already given you permission, silly – so what’s stopping you?”_ Kira cups her chin and tilts her head to one side, peering out at me through a veil of crimson hair. _“I didn’t exactly detail our love life if that’s what’s worrying you.”_

I refrain from chuckling at the thought. _Actually that’s something I wouldn’t mind reading—_

Shepard punches me teasingly in the shoulder, and I let out a small, startled yelp.

Emily gawks at me nervously. “Kaidan...?”

I jump and turn toward where Shepard had been sitting just a moment before, but the mirage has taken advantage of my distraction and vanished. I instantly feel like a fool. “Sorry, I... I was somewhere else.”

The reporter crosses her arms and smirks at me knowingly. “You’re avoiding the topic. Do you seriously want me to do this for you? It’s none of my business. I’m here to help you write the story, not read Shepard’s personal logs.”

“I wouldn’t think of it,” I intervene suddenly, “I know it’s a lot to ask, and frankly, you’re right. But I guess what I want to know is... Well.” I falter and stare down at my hands. “If something happened to you and Darren found your journal...”

“How would I feel about him reading it?” Emily finishes my thought.

I nod slowly. “I just don’t feel right about it. Sometimes I swear I can hear her, Emily. She is still here, in my head, and I don’t know how I can so blatantly invade her privacy with...”

The reporter reaches out and grasps my hand. Then, gently, she lifts my fingers and places them against the lower corner of the journal’s cover.

“You knew her better than anyone.” Her dark eyes glint sadly. “Shepard’s voice is still with you because you _want_ her to be, even if she is just in your head. Maybe that’s what you need right now.” Then Emily taps the book with one fingernail. “What if she arranged somehow for this to find you? What if this was no accident, Kaidan?”

“What do you mean?”

“Shepard knew the Reapers would come eventually. She also knew that she would probably be hurt or worse when the battle finally came. So she made plans. What if this journal is part of that? Something for you to hold onto when she’s gone? What if she asked someone to bring it to you when the time was right?”

I frown, shuddering a little as the possibility sinks in. “You might be right,” I admit hesitantly. “She never said it outright, but I always had a feeling that Kira didn’t think she’d make it.” I brush my fingertips along the edge of the leather binding. “Emily, I know she isn’t gone. Not completely. I just can’t get used to the idea of her not being in my life – I can’t make the choice to let go. Not even this could make it easier.” I choke and look away, suddenly embarrassed of my grief, the ever-persistent despair lurking just beneath the surface.

 _“And so the real worry comes out,”_ Shepard’s ethereal voice remerges, and I shiver as her breath almost tangibly brushes against my ear. _“You don’t want to read my words because once you’re finished...”_

 _Then there will be nothing left to discover,_ I confess to her silently. _You’ll be gone. Forever._ I bury my face in my hands. “What if something in there leaves me questioning everything we had? She can’t give me the answers. Once I reach that last page, then that’s it. There is nothing more. And all I’ll have are the memories.”

Emily’s eyes widen in understanding, and for several long moments, we just sit in silence. Finally, she pushes the book over to my side of the table. “So, you’d rather live with what you have, then take a risk and discover something worse?” She leans over. “But what if Shepard left something for you, Kaidan? Wouldn’t you rather read what she had to say? If you don’t look, then you’ll never know if there is something special waiting for you in those pages.” She presses the book into my hands. “Why don’t you start reading? I’ll go get us some coffee.”

Before I can protest, Emily pushes herself out of her seat and threads her way through the crowd toward the front counter. Judging by the line of patrons waiting patiently for their hot beverages, I’m guessing she’ll be gone for several minutes. I nervously glance down at the journal clasped in my sweaty palms.

Shepard’s apparition leans her elbow on the table, sliding back into view with a casual half-smile. Those familiar laughter-lines appear around her eyes. _“Just listen to my voice, Kaidan,”_ She whispers, placing her hand tenderly on mine. _“I know you can.”_

I take a shuddering breath. “Alright, Kira. I trust you.”

I thumb the first page, and instantly a pang of loss shoots through me.

For the first time, I see her beautiful penmanship. Softly edged letters in blue ink, thin dips and loops, and sharp underlines beneath her signature.

_This journal belongs to Kira Shepard. Journal dates: 2177 - _____._

Instantly I am back in that escape pod, orbiting above the Normandy SR1’s burning wreck. She’s dying all over again in my mind, her voice struggling against the suffocation to reach me...

_I promised you that I wouldn’t forget you, Shepard. Hell – somebody needs to remember._

I close my eyes, clear my head of all the lingering doubts, and dive in.

 

* * *

**\---2177---**

_They told me that writing would help._

_They’ve given me a lot of empty promises over the years – and this is the strangest one of all. A book? Really? That’s miraculously going to help me ‘get better’?_

_My counsellor seems to think that vocalising my feelings is the best way to deal with my problems. He also thinks that somehow I can return to being the person I once was. But he doesn’t know who I was back then, and he doesn’t know who I am now. How could he? We’re strangers. But somehow he feels as though he’s entitled to read my innermost secrets, all because I am the sole survivor._

_If there was one thing I learned from Mindoir, it was that ‘normal’ would never be my lot in life. Because what happened that day is permanent – a scar I’ll bear until my final breath. The world I loved burned; the people I cherished were lost... And now it’s happening all over again. The same pain, the same destruction, just with a new name: Akuze. And it will never change. The people I love will always leave, and there will be nothing I can do to stop that. Nothing can bring them back. No amount of talking can take away the pain. There isn’t enough alcohol in the world to erase the memories.  And there will never be a shoulder strong enough to carry all of me. I know the truth now. I have to carry myself._

_I’m 23, and I haven’t cried in over five years. I learned when I was sixteen that my grief couldn’t change the past. But maybe that’s not what I really needed to learn._

_Maybe I just needed to learn that it could change me._

 

* * *

 

“It doesn’t make any sense. According to our coordinates, the team should have been here.”

Akuze is not exactly what 2nd Lieutenant Kira Shepard would describe as hospitable. Arid, rocky and blustery, it strikes her as being an odd location for a colony. And yet that is precisely why they are here. A colonial pioneering team has apparently vanished – and the Alliance sent her along on a reconnaissance mission to find out why. So here she is, standing on a hilltop overlooking an empty campsite along with fifty other Marines who are equally as bewildered as she is. Shepard studies the camp site through the visor of her breather helmet. She searches the ground for clues, but there aren’t even footprints here. Just empty building shells, vacant housing modules that were hurriedly raised and then inexplicably abandoned.

“They have to be around here somewhere,” Kira mutters, her brows furrowing. “They couldn’t have just disappeared into thin air.” She glances over the shoulder of the younger Marine standing beside her. “Could you find any sign of movement to the north, Toombs?”

The Corporal shakes his head, frowning at the readings on his omni-tool. “Negative, Ma’am. It’s like they’ve just been... Erased.”

Putting her gloved hands on her hips, she heaves a frustrated sigh. “There is something wrong about all this.”

“I have no doubt that they _were_ here,” Corporal Toombs returns, frustration edging his voice. “But where did they go? This site is exposed – there aren’t caves or tunnels for at least five miles. If they left on foot, there would be signs.”

“You’d think so,” Shepard murmurs. “This place is giving me the creeps. How can an entire pioneering team just vanish?”

“That’s what we’re here to find out,” another voice cuts in.

The reconnaissance team’s commanding officer approaches, and instantly Shepard and Toombs stand to attention.

“Lieutenant, Corporal.” Commander Gwen Riley addresses them in turn. She salutes and the two marines follow suit. Then, as the Commander drops her hand, she extends it in Kira’s direction. “It’s good to see you both. When the _Andromeda_ radioed and told me you were coming on board for this mission, Shepard, I could hardly believe my own ears. How long has it been, three years?”

“Almost to the day,” Kira laughs and returns the handshake with a strong, friendly grip. “The brief was intriguing. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world, Commander.”

“Now why am I not surprised?” Riley shakes her head. “You haven’t changed a bit – still as vivacious and eager as ever. And Toombs, you’ve gone and found yourself an interesting assignment. Did you ask to come along, or did the Lieutenant rope you into this mess?”

Toombs gives a throaty chuckle. “I’ve worked with Shepard for a year now, Ma’am. She’s a good officer. When the assignment came up, she asked me to come along.”

 “Well, I’m glad she did. I’ve heard good things, Corporal.” Then, with a grin in Kira’s direction, “Shepard, it’s good to see that your powers of persuasion are intact. Let’s just hope we all find the answers we’re looking for – provide some closure for the people back home.” The Commander grows serious now, turning about to glance across the flat, arid landscape. “I must admit though, I’m relieved that you of all people joined our squad for this mission. It’s a strange one, Shepard, and I’m worried after the loss of our LT a few weeks ago. A few members of my squad took the incident very hard. It’s good for them to see a familiar face.”

“I understand, Ma’am. Lieutenant Webb was a good man and a fine officer, but I’m not here to replace him. Alliance command made it clear that this liaison with the _Lancaster_ was a temporary assignment.” Kira follows the team leader down the side of a small embankment, striding across the sandy ground toward the centre of the camp. “Permission to speak freely?”

“Granted,” Riley nods.

“Fifty marines sent groundside to search for a team of colonial pioneers? Why would the Alliance send so many?”

“That’s a good question, Shepard.” Commander Riley frowns visibly beneath her visor. “And one that I’m wondering about myself. But we have more pressing matters to attend to.” She nods in the direction of a nearby campfire pit. “The two of you survey the perimeter and report to me the moment you find anything suspicious. I want to know where those colonists went.”

“Aye aye, Ma’am.”

The duo set out in the direction Riley indicated, but not before Shepard represses a shiver at the strangeness of it all. Kira bites her lip, her amber eyes narrowing in suspicion. Something is clearly wrong. How can an entire group of colonists just disappear? And furthermore, how can any trace of their existence simply be wiped out, all the while leaving their tents and equipment behind? She can’t help the second tremor that crawls up her spine. Toombs is focusing on his monitoring equipment, so her senses are working over-time, her ears pricking at just the faintest sound, her fingers tingling against the cradled weight of her assault rifle...

* * *

 

_We all knew that time was of the essence – we only had a few hours at best to locate the colonists. But we couldn’t have planned for what was coming._

_I’ll never forget how it felt standing there on the campsite’s perimeter. The wind was strong, cold, lashing dust against my face. It was slow torture, almost like watching sand run through an hourglass. Except I was watching from inside the glass vial, trapped beneath a torrent and utterly powerless to break free of my invisible cage._

_And the tingling in my fingers... It’s the first tell-tale sign. I’ve never told anyone that before, but the truth is that I hate that sensation more than anything._

_I don’t get it often, only when I’m on the verge of panic. Panic – my greatest enemy – has plagued me ever since I was young. I used to get so nervous on the nights before exams, when my family planned a trip, or when I had to make a speech in class... It’s funny how things like that seem devastating, terrifying at the time. You look back years down the line and realise just how far you’ve come. You overcome one fear only to have to face a new, more powerful enemy._

_Mine was just hours away. But, of course, I wasn’t to know that._

* * *

 

Shepard’s eyes fall upon an empty cooking pot resting on the ground. It’s facing upward, still holding the dried powdered rations that had been emptied into it just before the owner mysteriously vanished. Kira frowns, bending down and resting her forearms on her knees.

“Toombs, how long ago did you say the distress signal was sent?” She prompts, touching the sandy ground with her gloved fingers.

“About four hours ago by my count,” Toombs informs her. Then, when Kira doesn’t move, Toombs queries, “Shepard? What’s wrong?”

Kira’s brow knits even tighter. She runs her gloves along the edge of the pot, noting that the rations are still there while the footprints are not.  _This sand has been freshly stirred – something must have caused it. Wind? Or something stronger?_

“We measured the surface wind-speed when we landed – sixty kilometres an hour, moving in a south-easterly direction.” Shepard shifts on her haunches, squinting up at the sky and then back at the pot. “So if this pot has been sitting here unattended for four hours, why haven’t the powdered rations been blown away?” At the Corporal’s confusion, Kira presses, “Look at the ground. The sand cover is fresh. It hasn’t had time to settle, get wet, or even maintain the impression of a boot print. So if it the wind has caused that much disturbance – enough to erase the colonial team’s presence altogether – then why hasn’t it carried the powdered contents of this pot across the ground with the rest of the dust?”

Toombs’ lips pinch together nervously. “I... I don’t know.”

Shepard pushes herself up and scans the horizon. “Something isn’t adding up here, Corporal. I don’t like this.”

“Lieutenant Shepard?” 

Private Ida Preston's voice cuts through her thoughts, and Kira turns to face her. "Have you got a sitrep for me, Private?"

"There's nothing, Ma'am," She says breathlessly, jogging toward her. "Barton and I just paced the entire perimeter and there is no sign of the team. Not a footprint, a tyre track, nothing. This place is a ghost town," Preston concludes, shifting her weight from foot to foot anxiously.

Shepard lifts her hand to her helmet, and is instantly frustrated by the panel of glass separating her hand from her forehead. She heaves a sigh and unclasps the impediment, lowering the heavy armoured piece to her side. "Well then. I guess we've hit a brick wall."

"More like a sand wall," Toombs mutters. "How do you figure all this happened, Shepard? I mean, it seems so perfect."

" _Too_  perfect." Kira smoothes sweaty strands of auburn hair away from her forehead, smoothing them back into her long ponytail with one gloved hand. "And the weirdest part is that I feel as though we're being watched."

"From where?" Corporal Barton interrupts, stepping up just now. He's carrying an abandoned datapad in his hands. "I hate to say it, but I'm starting to wonder if anyone was even here in the first place. The datapads are dead, the camp's energy cells have been drained, and even the distress beacon has just shut down. I can't find a trace of life, and there isn't any sign of a shelter nearby that is fit to house a colonial team. We scanned the mountains from orbit and there was nothing. No heat signals, no vehicle exhausts, no communications."

"Any word from command?" Toombs asks tentatively.

"I can't get a signal back to the  _Lancaster_ – something is disrupting the channel." Shepard shuts off her omni-tool and groans in frustration, staring up at the sky. "By my guess we have about half an hour of light left. Can either of you get a fix on the source of this interference? Our communications can't be going down by themselves."

"No, Ma'am," Toombs replies, but his steady voice belies his growing anxiety. "I can't get a firm reading on anything – my monitoring equipment is acting up."

Private Ida Preston’s voice cuts through her thoughts, and Kira turns to face her. “Have you got a sitrep for me, Private?”

“There’s nothing, Ma’am,” She says breathlessly, jogging toward her. “Barton and I just paced the entire perimeter and there is no sign of the team. Not a footprint, a tyre track, nothing. This place is a ghost town,” Preston concludes, shifting her weight from foot to foot anxiously.

Shepard lifts her hand to her helmet, and is instantly frustrated by the panel of glass separating her hand from her forehead. She heaves a sigh and unclasps the impediment, lowering the heavy armoured piece to her side. “Well then. I guess we’ve hit a brick wall.”

“More like a sand wall,” Toombs mutters. “How do you figure all this happened, Shepard? I mean, it seems so perfect.”

“ _Too_ perfect.” Kira smoothes sweaty strands of auburn hair away from her forehead, smoothing them back into her long ponytail with one gloved hand. “And the weirdest part is that I feel as though we’re being watched.”

“From where?” Corporal Barton interrupts, stepping up just now. He’s carrying an abandoned datapad in his hands. “I hate to say it, but I’m starting to wonder if anyone was even here in the first place. The datapads are dead, the camp’s energy cells have been drained, and even the distress beacon has just shut down. I can’t find a trace of life, and there isn’t any sign of a shelter nearby that is fit to house a colonial team. We scanned the mountains from orbit and there was nothing. No heat signals, no vehicle exhausts, no communications.”

“Any word from command?” Toombs asks tentatively.

“I can’t get a signal back to the _Lancaster_ – something is disrupting the channel.” Shepard shuts off her omni-tool and groans in frustration, staring up at the sky. “By my guess we have about half an hour of light left. Can either of you get a fix on the source of this interference? Our communications can’t be going down by themselves.”

“No, Ma’am,” Toombs replies, but his steady voice belies his growing anxiety. “I can’t get a firm reading on anything – my monitoring equipment is acting up.”

Commander Riley draws Kira’s attention now. “Shepard, we’ve got a situation.” As Kira steps away from her companions, Riley nods in the direction of the landing zone. “The last of our scanners just cut out, but before it did, we were able to detect an atmospheric disturbance coming from the south. Whatever is going on here, it just got a whole lot more complicated. I can’t get a message through to our pilot either. He’s under orders to pick us up at 0500, but we’ll have to bunker down until he can send the shuttles out.”

Kira glances back at the group of marines still trying to make sense of the campsite. “Do you think we can get by until then? We’re exposed out here, Ma’am. If a storm rolls in...”

“We’ll just have to use the shelters,” Riley tells her. “Gather your people and tell them to make camp on the southern aspect of the site. Gallahan, Edison and Lemar will do the same with their teams. Between us we can spread out and keep an eye out in every direction. We’ll need perimeter rotation shifts – ten marines posted on the perimeter at all times, changing every two hours.” She gives Kira a pointed look. “I’ll leave the specifics up to you, Shepard, but I’m sure you understand that a stormy night in a make-shift camp is not what our people prepped for.”

Kira nods decisively. “Aye, Ma’am, I do. Don’t worry – we’ll be ready.”

 

* * *

 

_And so it began._

_I spent the next half an hour – the last of the daylight – arranging shift rotations, ensuring that my nine squad mates were set up in secure quarters and ready to bunk down at a moment’s notice. And I’m glad that I did. When I emerged from one of the makeshifts, I found that the sky was strewn with ominous green-tinged clouds. The lightning arced across the sky, casting a prickling charge of electricity in the air and leaving me with the taste of nitrogen on my tongue._

_Standing there, watching as the first drops of rain fell, I saw a flash of Mindoir. I was back there, clinging to that wet rope, water running off my cheeks and down the back of my neck. Once more I was being pulled free of the ruin of my own home, helpless as the fires burned across the hills, numb to what it would truly mean for my life. Somehow, I went from being that injured, heart-broken teenager, to being a cautious Navy Lieutenant. Two different people experiencing the same torment._

_Because apparently enduring it once in a lifetime isn’t enough._

_Perhaps this is exactly what my counsellor wants to hear – the trauma is still there, old memories reawakened by recent events. Would he like me to admit that I have nightmares? Panic attacks? Insomnia? Nausea? Are my flashbacks going to be noted down as hallucinations, intrusions into my thoughts that make me potentially dangerous to people around me?_

_If my past is what makes me dangerous, then so be it._

_Huh. You know, I’ve always wanted to be dangerous..._

 

* * *

 

The rain grew steadily heavier as the hours rolled past. Toombs took the first of the two hour shifts, standing in the small reprieve offered by the makeshift’s large canvas awning. It isn’t much of a shelter, but it’s better than nothing. When Shepard emerges from the doorway at nine, she is suddenly grateful for her armour. The restrictive metal helmet, usually the object of her disdain, is now the only thing protecting her from the storm’s full onslaught. She strides across the gap between the buildings to tap her friend on the shoulder.

“It’s 2300, Corporal – I’ll take it from here. Go warm up inside,” She tells him, nodding back towards the small cabin. “Preston found a gas burner and is heating some soup.”

“Pumpkin or tomato, Ma’am?”

Shepard chuckles in the depths of her throat, “Last I checked, directives didn’t come with flavour options, Toombs. You’re soaked through and you’re no use to us with a chill.”

“Are you sure this isn’t part of the mission – endurance training or something?” He tilts his head back, studying the rain clouds through the misted visor of his helmet. Then he relents, shaking his head. “You’re right, Shepard. And one of these days I’ll stop being surprised about that fact.” Then he sends her a sideways glance. “Can I speak plainly, Ma’am?”

“Oh for goodness’ sake, enough with the ‘ma’am’ already.” Kira swings her leg out, connecting the tip of her armoured boot with a small rock. The pebble bounces away across the mud, landing with a faint _plop_ somewhere out of sight. “Riley isn’t here, and frankly, _ma’am_ makes me feel ten years older than I already am.”

“And to look at you, I’d have sworn you weren’t a day over fifty.”

Shepard throws her head back and laughs. “Well played, Toombs.” She sobers, crossing her arms and toeing an abandoned tent peg. “What’s on your mind?”

“It’s just...” Toombs moves to sit on a wooden bench. “I think what you just said summarises it nicely. I guess I feel like we’re being played.”

“Yeah?” Shepard folds her arms, her stare hardening.

“Yeah – and I mean professionally. Doesn’t this whole thing seem strange to you? Abandoned belongings, footprints erased, and yet food stores and equipment seem untouched.” His fingers twitch as he sets aside his pistol. “Come on, Shepard, don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about it. I haven’t seen your brow relax all evening.”

Kira lifts a hand to her head reflexively. “Am I that obvious?”

“When you’re lost in thought?” Toombs nods. “Your brows work overtime, your jaw clenches up and you have a habit of staring at the nearest blank wall. So yeah, a little bit obvious.”

“Alright, Toombs, I’ll bite. No, you’re not the only one. I’ve had the same feeling – like we’re the ace in somebody’s deck of cards. But there’s nothing we can do about it. Just sit around and wait it out, I guess.” Shepard touches her glove to her pistol holster to reassure herself. “If somebody _is_ playing then they’ll have to show their hand sooner or later.”

A gust of wind sends fresh, cold water against their faces.

Finally, Toombs stands up and moves toward the door. “You’re right again. At least we won’t have to guess when the game is finally on – we’re the only point of light for miles around, so I doubt we’ll miss any of the action.” He puts his hand on the knob before adding, “Call me if you want any of that soup.”

Kira allows a tiny smirk to lift the corner of her mouth. “Only if Preston discovers a way to remove the aftertaste of tin.”

The Corporal lets out a hearty chortle and ambles inside.

Kira suddenly feels exposed standing out here in the cold, alone on the border between cursed ground and oblivion. She’s staring out into the dark, an unending pit of murk that is suffocating. Her stomach churns, a deep-set warning that perhaps the darkness is merely the messenger – perhaps there are still worse things out there, worse things to come. Like a hapless victim who has just witnessed the last of her protection being stolen away, Shepard feels the urge to pull her arms up about her chest out of involuntary self-defence. Out here she is vulnerable, open. It is a terrifying sensation, one that sends a chill down her spine. It’s as though a dozen unseeing eyes are scrutinising her, peeling away her layers and planning their next move, the most excruciating way to shred her flesh, to rend limb from limb, to summon forth the most delectable of screams from her throat before consuming her whole...

Kira shudders violently, doing her utmost to shove aside the violent image in her mind. But even in heavy armour and carrying her rifle, Shepard feels utterly naked.

_Something is horribly wrong here._

At first it comes to her in the gentle form of a chime, the faint tingle of a sweet bell on the wind.

Shepard turns to her right, away from the soft warm glow of the makeshift hut, blindly pursuing the sound. She steps forward fractionally, her hand resting on the butt of her pistol. The rain slashes hard against her visor. Now the beeping is getting stronger – not louder, just _stronger_. It’s as though she is following a trail of faint music, being lured out into the rain with just a single, cautious step...

_What the hell is that noise? Where is it coming from?_

Shepard knows it isn’t any of the squad’s equipment. Their instruments went offline hours ago, and since the bad weather set in, she’s absolutely certain that it isn’t a shuttle sent to retrieve them. There is no way the _Lancaster_ would risk sending in one of their flimsy light-weight shuttles into a storm. So what is bleeping? And why?

Kira activates the torch on her rifle, sweeping it out into the night as far as she can. But given the intensity of the storm, that isn’t very far. All the light does is bounce back at her off the millions of tiny water droplets hurtling toward the ground.

_Bleep... Bleep..._

There it is again!

Kira shakes her head, wondering if there is a malfunctioning circuit in her helmet. Perhaps her radio isn’t entirely dead. Either that or her ears are still ringing after the violent thunder earlier that evening.

_Bleep... Bleep... Bleep..._

Or maybe she really is hearing something.

The sound beckons to her, drawing her in with curious tendrils of fear...

_Follow me... Come see..._

Shepard gives in and moves another few steps, now beyond the faint aura of light. She is entirely engulfed in darkness.

_Bleep... Bleep..._

Her feet find their way forward in the mud, stopping suddenly when her boot collides with something small and metallic. Shepard swings her torch about, illuminating a tiny silver box, wired and with an antenna.

A radio? A transmitter?

_Bleep..._

Her gut twists into fresh knots.

_What the hell...?_

The ground in front of her explodes, knocking Shepard back several feet. The dark sphere around her spins and distorts in a hideous whirl of eerie colour. She barely has time to register the fact that she’s airborne before landing hard on her back. Her bones scream at the impact despite her tough metal exterior. Now she really _is_ hearing a ringing in her head – powerful, dizzying, blaring ringing. Internal alarm bells to warn her of impending danger. Kira ignores the lights dancing across her eyes, forcing herself up on her elbows.

And that’s when she sees the monster rise out of the earth.

A vast, serpent-like creature of vast proportions ascends into the sky, twisting and writhing against a silhouette of lightning. Its segmented body thrashes against the constricting mire, bursting free of its earthly confines to loom over her. A sulphurous mist, tainted a repulsive shade of green, exudes from between its bulbous layers. A hideous head, a glowing mass of iridescent flesh, hesitating as it looks down. Then, after a split second, the beast’s head bursts open – peeling back in a repulsive bloom of fleshy tendrils, all of them dripping with thick mucus.

Kira can barely breathe let alone scream. Her mouth falls open in horror at the sight, suddenly feeling pitifully weak in comparison to the monster before her. And in that moment, the heat of its ferocious gaze lands squarely on her.

“No... Please, no...”

Shepard scrambles backwards, clawing at the mud in a desperate attempt to gain a foothold. But before she can get to her feet, the creature lets out a piercing shriek. Recognition sparks, and Shepard sucks in as much air as her lungs can hold...

“ _THRESHER MAW!”_

Her scream rips through the night, and instantly the makeshift’s door swings open.

But simultaneously, almost as if responding to Shepard’s warning, the maw hoists itself up to full height, gurgling and hissing. It pulls its ghastly head back, preparing to devour its first intended victim...

Kira pulls her limbs in close to her body, rolling hard to the right, narrowly missing the impact of a poisonous barb. The spike, larger than her torso, drives into the ground with terrifying force. Toxin drips from its serrated edges, sending more acrid fumes into the air.

Suddenly Toombs is there, pistol in hand. The sound of gunfire shreds any last hope of a tranquil night. Now the other members of the reconnaissance team are pouring out of the buildings, weapons at the ready.

Somebody yells her name. But Kira is utterly distracted, curling up and pushing her body – which is suddenly heavier than she first realised – upright. She hurls all her weight forward, throwing herself across the muddy ground to evade yet another dart from the Maw.

“Back – _move back_!” She cries, sprinting toward the group of marines.

Behind her, a wave of pungent vapours billows from a rift in the ground. A tremor shakes the camp, and Kira stumbles, spinning about in time to see another three maws unfurl their bulbous lengths from the earth.

“Oh my...” Toombs’ face turns ashen.

“Get everyone out!” Riley barks, her arms shaking at the horrendous sight. “Preston – emergency flares! _Now!_ ”

“Aye aye, Ma’am!” Preston tears her eyes free of the maws long enough to sprint into one of the huts.

“No!” Kira races into the centre of the camp. “Keep everyone away from the huts!”

“Are you insane?” Riley exclaims.

“We need to get away from the light!” Kira insists, her voice breaking under the strain. “The Maws are going to zero in on the lights and the heat from the makeshifts – if you send the marines back inside, they’ll be slaughtered!”

“Shepard—”

Riley opens her mouth to reprimand the young officer, but before she can, a chilling screech tears through the valley. A giant barb, even larger than the one that had almost speared Shepard, comes crashing down upon the makeshift, cutting through the metal like paper. An eruption of suffocating gas billows from the shattered windows. Then, a final, desperate scream cuts through the air – just as the metal structure collapses.

“ _Preston!_ ” Riley screams, starting to sprint toward the destroyed structure.

“Commander, no.” Kira grasps her arm and pulls her back. “You’ll get yourself killed!”

Another Maw scream sends a shudder the camp. A torrent of glowing mist rolls across the ground toward them, gathering speed...

Shepard turns pleading eyes upon Riley. “Commander! Please!”

But Riley’s feet are firmly planted to the ground. She stares aghast at the oncoming storm...

“We need to go _now!_ ”

The Commander gives a weak nod, and Kira takes her cue, yelling, “Everybody _move, move, move!_ ”

The marines scramble back, rushing for cover behind whatever they can find. Even so, several of them are still exposed to the Maws. Shepard decides to buy them some time.

“You too, Commander!” She nods at Riley, drawing her rifle up and aiming it at the head of the largest maw. “Go!”

The creature looms over the camp, settling its hungry glare upon Commander Riley. Finally after a hard shove from Shepard, the Commander comes to her senses, turning and sprinting away across the muddy ground.

It’s up to the Lieutenant for now.

Kira digs her heels into the muck, settling the scopes of her rifle upon the creature. The worm pulls its head back, snarling ferociously at Shepard. But before it can spit forth yet another giant dart, Kira pulls the trigger. The Maw howls furiously, thrashing back and forth as the Lieutenant empties her thermal clip into its head. Blinded, burnt and seeping forth fluids, the serpent-like fiend draws back, hissing at the onslaught.

And that’s when Kira sees the flares. The tubes of luminescent fluid are strewn abandoned in the mud, abandoned where they fell when the makeshift was destroyed...

A plan begins to form in Shepard’s mind.

Scooping up half a dozen, Kira shoves the vials into her utility belt. Then, lifting one more, she releases the safety catch on the top. Red sparks fly from the tube as she holds it up.

“ _HEY! Over here!_ ” She bellows, her voice swelling and instantly drawing the attention of the other Maws. Then, with as much strength as she can muster, Shepard hurls the flare at the creatures.

The flare ignites, the sky exploding red in the shower of fiery sparks. The worms scream and dive back, spitting at the attack.

Shepard, meanwhile, takes her chance and sprints through the narrow gaps between the nearby makeshifts. Behind her, gunfire erupts – the other marines are taking advantage of the Maws’ distraction to do some damage.

But Shepard knows it isn’t going to be enough in itself. She knows their only chance is going to be getting the team clear of these monsters before they destroy them all. But that in itself is going to take a miracle. She is only one of fifty marines, but if the others can see what she’s doing, then maybe... Just maybe...

Stopping on the outskirts of the camp, Shepard opens and hurls yet another flare into the sky. _“Keep up, boys!”_ She yells again, before breaking into another sprint. “ _Come and get me!”_

It’s working.

The Maws divert their attention from the camp, diving under the ground and circling around in Shepard’s direction.

She picks up the pace, sucking in deep breaths, her feet pounding across the shifting, cracking ground. A wall of rock rises up in front of her, and Kira stumbles back, ducking to the right and circling around the Maw. A moment later, she sends another flare hurtling at its head.

“ _Look at me,_ you son of a bitch!”

As the beast spins about, she unloads another heat sink into its unguarded body. It flails about, snapping and screeching above her.

“That’s it,” Kira mutters, grinning to herself despite the fear welling up in the pit of her stomach. “That’s it – _you know I will kill you, so you’d better end me first if you want to live!_ ”

The ground convulses – the other three Maws have decided to join the party. They arch up, surrounding her position and attempting to hem her in.

_Is that how it’s going to be, is it?_

Kira shakes her head, tossing another powerful flare into the sky.

On cue, the worms pull back, and she pushes her legs on, ignoring the burning pain that’s growing inside her lungs. Shepard is at least half a kilometre from the camp now. Glancing back over her shoulder, she can see the rest of the squad gathering together – then, they spread out in teams of five, pushing out from the camp towards the hills in the distance.

 _Yes!_ Kira silently cheers, realising that the squad has caught onto her plan. _They’re heading for safer ground._

“Shepard!”

A familiar voice catches her attention, and she drops to the ground just as a Maw tail whips narrowly past her head. Her leg doubles up beneath her, a sharp jolt of pain from her ankle making Shepard howl. Her helmet visor fractures, colliding with a rock as she rolls to a stop at the foot of the embankment. Biting her lip against the agony, Shepard reaches up and unlocks the seal, tossing away the broken helmet.

A burst of machine gun fire erupts. Toombs cripples one of the Maws, dashing through the confusion to reach her. The beast collapses, sending a cloud of choking haze up around them.

“We need to move,” Shepard tells him, preparing to launch another flare. The wind whips through her exposed hair, sending stray curls over her face. Her eyes are red and streaming with tears at the stinging fumes.

_Boom!_

The world around her lurches, and Shepard narrowly escapes being crushed by yet another Thresher Maw. Except this time, the beast isn’t interested in her. It lurches past, gliding just beneath the surface toward the nearby reconnaissance team. The other three creatures turn about and follow suit. Stricken to the spot in horror, Shepard and Toombs watch from a distance as several more Maws burst free of the earth, encircling the rest of the team.

“Oh my god...” Toombs breathes.

The blood in Kira’s veins runs cold.

_They’ll kill them all._

The Maws unleash a volley of poisonous barbs, striking down several marines in the first few seconds. Even from here, the sound of the creatures shrieks and their friends’ screams is chilling.

“They’re too far away!” Toombs yells, desperation edging his voice.

Shepard lets out a sharp exclamation, “The flares – throw the flares!”

Toombs stares at her wide-eyed. “I... I’m out of tubes.”

 _No!_ Her gut twists. _There are too many... We can’t stop them..._

“Shepard – what do we do?”

The Lieutenant chokes back the bile rising in her throat. _We’re never going to reach them in time._ And even then – two marines against a dozen Thresher Maws? There are almost fifty men and women in that squad, and they don’t stand a chance alone. _What hope do we have?_

Then it happens.

Another Maw launches toward them, heading straight for Toombs.

“Shoot it!” Kira exclaims, scrambling back and shouldering her rifle. “ _Toombs! Shoot it!”_

The Corporal takes a step away, slipping a fresh thermal clip into his pistol...

_“Shoot it now!”_

It’s too close.

Shepard raises her gun, ready to bring it down, but instead, Toombs pushes her back. Kira lands hard on the ground, gasping for air. She struggles to focus, feeling dizziness set in – a bewildering mix of pain and lack of oxygen. Kira forces herself up on her elbows in time to see the Corporal position himself between her and the Thresher Maw.

_What is he doing?_

“Toombs – no!”

But he isn’t listening. Shepard tries to push herself upright, but her leg gives way beneath her. She falls helplessly to the ground, fighting back tears.

“Toombs!”

Corporal Toombs pulls a grenade from his vest, and pulls the pin. Then he starts to run down the slope – _toward_ the monster. He lifts his arm above his head, preparing to throw the grenade. His fingers release the cylinder, and he dives to one side.

_He’s too close!_

“NO!” Kira screams, but it’s too late.

The explosion rocks the unstable hillside, bringing a cascade of dirt and rock raining down upon them. Kira reaches up to cover her head, letting out a faint wail. Somewhere beyond her, she hears the dying cries of her squad mates...

 

* * *

 

“Lieutenant... Lieutenant, can you hear me?”

_Toombs..._

The name escapes her lips as more of a sob than an actual word, and the sound of something other than screams and gunfire makes Shepard want to cry even harder.

“It’s alright, Lieutenant. You’re on the _Lancaster_ now. You’re safe.”

Kira forces her eyes open, wincing at the tenderness in her chest. “The squad... They...”

A hand comes to rest on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Shepard.”

_Rain... Lightning... Suffocating gas..._

Shepard coughs and reaches up out of reflex, fingers searching for something to grasp hold of. They find a man’s shirt collar. “They... They couldn’t fight so many...”

Her voice breaks and she lets her head fall back weakly against the pillow. Choking sobs rack her body.

The kind voice of her rescuer breaks through her thoughts once more. “You were the only one who made it.”

“No...” Kira covers her face with her free hand, grimacing at the taste of blood on her lips. “No! It can’t be true. It can’t be...”

“We found you at the LZ, stumbling about dazed and injured.”

“No... No, no, no...”

The stranger gently sets her hand back down on the stretcher bed. “You made it out of there, Lieutenant. I don’t know how – it must have taken a miracle.”

* * *

 

_A miracle that saved me, but destroyed my team._

_What kind of miracle is that?_

_And now they’re talking about giving me a medal, a promotion. For what? Watching my friends die? Call me bitter if you like, if bitter means that I don’t want to accept glory for something I had no control over. The Alliance wants to call me a hero. But the truth is that I am no hero. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I couldn’t save them._

_What kind of hero can’t save her friends?_

_Riley was the first officer I ever served with. We spent three months on Arcturus, and then we said our goodbyes. I was so excited to see her again on Akuze. Little could I have known that a few hours later, I would be stranded in the middle of a fight, watching her die; a week later, standing at her grave, watching as they lowered her casket into the ground._

_Toombs’ body was never found. I don’t know where he is. Maybe we never will._

_Anderson came to visit me when the Lancaster brought me back to Arcturus Station. He’s been like a father to me ever since... Ever since my own passed on. I’d like to think that he’ll always be looking out for me. But after Akuze it’s hard to come to terms with it all – the loneliness, the pain, the guilt. What if it happens again? I don’t know if I can bear that. And yet I signed up to be a soldier._

_Anderson sat me down and just let me talk about it all: Akuze, Mindoir, loss, doubt. I honestly can’t understand why I was the one who survived. I didn’t want to be the one who walked away. I didn’t want the label ‘sole survivor’. But Anderson bore it all – I heaped so many ‘why’ questions on his shoulders that day, and he just looked me in the eye and said, “If we had answers to all our questions, there would be no point in living. It’s part of who we become, Shepard. It’s part of the journey. Hold onto those ‘why’s’. One day you might just find out the answers.”_

_He’s the only one I trust. Not some stranger with a psychology degree. Just a friend. Maybe, just maybe, that’s all I really need: someone to stay and just be there for me, to sit by my side and keep me sane while everything falls apart._

_I think I would like that._

 

* * *

**\---2187---**

 

I let the journal fall shut, the gentle thud of pages falling shut reverberating through my fingers. There is a dull ache in my heart, an empty void suddenly filled with tears.

The pain that she must have felt... I had only ever heard the ‘official’ reports. Kira had never truly told me what happened on Akuze. To find out through her own words, to read her handwriting as it grew more scrawled and painful; to see the stains on the paper where her tears fell. For the first time I am feeling all of her pent-up emotions, her secret pain.

I flash back to the young Commander, the beautiful XO of the Normandy SR1 – Commander Kira Shepard, at age thirty, the dark-eyed woman who stole my breath and my heart with just one look. To think that behind those eyes, these memories lay in wait, just holding out for darkness before they come back to consume her nightmares.

_Oh Shepard, I didn’t know._

Emily Wong is still sitting across from me, studying a datapad. She glances up, studying me now that I’m back in the present.

“I... I need to go,” I tell her bluntly, swiping at the tears that are still running down my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” The reporter says gently, reaching out to touch my arm sympathetically. “I had the feeling you might need to go and be alone. Thank you for the chapters, Kaidan, I’ll give them a quick read over and get them back to you by the end of the week?”

I nod, not really thinking. “Fine... I, uh... I’ll just...”

I pick up the journal, but my fingers fumble. The book falls open on the table, a small piece of paper drifting out from between the pages and landing at Emily’s feet.

She stoops down and picks it up, but even as she reaches to hand it back to me, her eyes widen.

“Oh my god – Kaidan, have you seen this?”

I take the photo from between her fingers. I turn it about, and my heart freezes.

“No – that can’t be right,” I gasp in amazement.

“Is that who I think it is?” Emily whispers, grasping my shoulder.

“I... I have never seen them before now.” A fresh tear falls from my eye.

My breath has been utterly stolen away by the image of youthful beauty. A pair of glowing mahogany eyes smile up at me from the photograph, a kind face and arched brows; long toffee-auburn tresses and a glorious, sweet smile.

_My Kira._

But here she is barely more than fifteen – so innocent. She’s wearing a dark blue jumper and a grey coat, and her hands, resting on a chair in front of her, are so small and white. Her face is relaxed, glowing with optimism and youth.

“Look how young she is, Emily. Look at her.” I put a hand over my mouth, holding back the urge to weep aloud at the image.

On either side of Kira stand two adults: A man, tall and muscular with sandy hair, and a woman, small and slender, auburn-haired and dark-eyed. Kira is the spinning image of her, too. But my eyes wander further down, to the chair in front. There is another person in this photograph. Smaller than Kira, and much younger; bright red hair and freckles, soft eyes...

My breath hitches in my throat.

_It can’t be!_

I turn the photograph over to see that Kira has written something faintly on the back: _Shepard family portrait; Mindoir, 2170._

Flicking it back, my eyes study the child’s face on the right. She couldn’t be more than eleven or twelve, barely a teenager, and yet the similarity in the two girls’ faces is undeniable.

_Oh hell – it’s her. HER!_

I scoop up the diary, sending one last amazed glance in Emily’s direction. “I’ve got it! I know who she is!”

“Who?” Emily calls after me, chasing me as I run from the cafe. “Who, Kaidan?”

My face twists into a smile.“The woman who saved my life!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!! Sorry that this has taken me a few days longer than I would have liked to post - my internet has been offline thanks to a fall of snow, and unfortunately it's taken me a while to get things working again. But anyway, here you go! I hope you all enjoy it anyway. =)
> 
> I'm planning to post the next chapter on August 16. Catch you all then!! And thank you for reading. XD
> 
> \-----------UPDATE---------------  
> Hi guys! Thanks to two essays for my uni degree, I have had to delay the release date for Chapter 17 to the 20th of August. I'm sorry about the wait, everyone, but I hope the chapter will be worth it. Thanks for understanding! =)  
> \--------------------------------------


	18. Reinstated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan's seemingly tranquil life in Vancouver is turned upside down, and the Normandy takes to the skies once more...

Trench 15 looks hardly any different to the other buildings that are being restored around London – the stone exterior still boasts minor tell-tale cracks from the Reaper invasion. The tall windows are dark, and there is little more than a small sign above the door to indicate the existence of the nightclub. Even so, the line of clients waiting for entry tells me that this unsophisticated building is not all that it appears.

“Kaidan – over here!”

I look around to see Joker standing close to the front of the queue. I slip past the mixed groups of patrons – some Asari maidens in slinky dresses, a team of Turian officers on shore leave, a huddle of men and women in brightly coloured garments – and here’s me, standing in line in a pair of jeans and a leather jacket. I suddenly feel comparatively under-dressed.

One Turian growls as I bump past his elbow. “Watch it, Human.”

I hold up my hands in protest, apologising profusely. Joker, unperturbed, reaches for me and pulls me to the front of the line. He slaps me lightly on the shoulder when I finally reach him.

“You made it!” The pilot exclaims, his green eyes sparkling in excitement. “Would you take a look at this place? Look at all those colours!”

I lean over and sneak a glimpse around the doorway. Vibrant shades of light dance across the polished floors, casting a faint sheen of colour across the concrete pavement.

“How did you get us in?” I query, shooting Joker a perplexed glance.

“The name _Normandy_ still has connections” is the only rejoinder I’m offered before Joker displays his ID to the bouncer. I’m next, and before I’m fully aware of what’s happening, the pilot’s hand comes to rest on my shoulder, steering me toward the entrance.

To be entirely honest, I’m still not sure why I’m here. After the day I’ve had, there is nothing I want more than to be at home in my dingy little apartment, watching an old vid and shutting out the noise of the city. There is a tell-tale heat building up at the base of my skull. Torturous claws occasionally thrust into my brain, sending spasms of pain down through my limbs. I know that I won’t last long here – I’ll have one drink with Joker and then I’ll be on my way.

At least, that’s my plan. Knowing Joker we could end up staying here until two in the morning playing Quasar and exchanging stories about the Normandy... And her commander. It had been an old routine between us when we had first started out on the SR1. Whenever we docked at the Citadel, Joker and I had arranged a run to Flux. Garrus became a regular addition to our party once he joined the crew, and on occasion Shepard would join the fun with some bad dancing and karaoke. Sometimes we had even persuaded Pressly and Adams to come along. But when Shepard died the first time, we left the tradition alone.  It didn’t feel right anymore. The one time I did let Garrus and Joker persuade me to come out again, it had been for a melancholy night of drinking and self-pity.

I shudder to think back to it.

It wasn’t until two years later – after I rejoined the Normandy SR2 – that Joker, Garrus and I had rediscovered our little tradition. Purgatory had been a favourite then, and Shepard, who had a newfound affinity for whiskey, had decided to add to our festivities. There had been so much laughter and friendship back then. Perhaps for Joker, Garrus and I that hadn’t changed. But when Earth had been lost, and when the Crucible fired... our worlds fell apart.

But I don’t want to think about that right now; I’m trying to save those memories for later when I have time to sit down and write. I have bigger problems. Problems such as dealing with a thirsty, gossip-hungry pilot – and not letting anyone surreptitiously swipe my credit chit from my pocket.

Joker steers me over toward a booth at the far end of the room. We navigate through a throbbing crowd, the heady rhythm stirring old memories inside me as we go, and out of instinct I look for Shepard’s face among the crowd at the nightclub. Reality hits me for the millionth time – she’s not here. But at least I still have friends in this room.

“Joker, Kaidan.” Garrus rises from within a plush red leather seat and smiles at me. Well. As much as a Turian can smile, anyway. His mandibles flicker with unspoken delight. “I was wondering if you boys were ever going to turn up.”

“Shove it, Vakarian. This cripple just navigated through a crowd of drunken revellers without breaking a sweat – or a bone,” Joker retorts blithely, his mouth curving up into that memorable grin. “And Alenko here is going to shout me the first round of drinks as a prize – _aren’t you,_ Alenko?” He elbows me, and I pre-emptively slide further back into the booth to avoid more strikes from those pointy joints of his.

“I already ordered,” Garrus intervenes on my behalf, taking in the surprise on my face with shrewd amusement. “Relax, Kaidan. You’re off the hook.”

Joker leans in, “Until next round.”

I throw my hands in the air. “What did I do to you?”

“You were late,” The pilot hisses, folding his arms and smirking knowingly. “Where were you? I had to hold our spot in line for half an hour _without_ you. Do you know how many times I had to plead with the bouncer, how many times I had to play the disability pity card?” He turns to Garrus and holds up a hand to emphasise the point. “And I’ve only ever had to do that three times in my life by the way.”

“Sorry, I... I was busy.” My brow twitches and I rub my temple with cool fingertips.

“Busy?” Garrus’ brow plate lowers marginally, his pincer-like eyes boring into my forehead. His pupils sweep across to glance at my fingers, before returning back to study my face. “Judging by the scrape on your palm I’m guessing not the _good_ kind of busy.”

“Yeah, uh, it’s a long story.” I bite my lip when an Asari waitress strolls over to our table, passing around some glasses. I retrieve a mug of beer and take a hesitant swallow. Suddenly my throat feels constricted knowing that two sets of sharp eyes are firmly settled on my face. “I had a run in with someone,” I finally admit.

“What!” Joker chokes on his beer and glowers at me across the table. “And you didn’t think to tell us?”

“He just got here, Joker. Relax,” Garrus chimes in, the sub harmonics in his voice mounting to match the mood at our table. “What kind of run in? Do you need back-up, Kaidan?”

“Back-up?” I moan, instantly regretting that I mentioned anything. _I don’t need assassins trailing me for protection._ “Guys, it’s fine. I’m here and I’m in one piece.”

Before I can offer any further explanation, a richly-accented, memorable voice interrupts us.

“Hola, compadres.” I glance up to find James Vega looming over our table, the flashing spotlights making his bulky muscles appear almost hulk-like. “Hey,” He exclaims upon spotting the drinks, “You started the fiesta without me? You wound me, Major.”

“I only just got here myself,” I return, sliding further to the left so the younger man can take a seat. “Thanks for coming, James.”

“The Major here invite you along to share in the good times, Vega?” Garrus drawls.

“Good to see you too, Scars. Alenko said he had something he wanted to show me. Hey, I found somebody else hanging around outside – I hope you don’t mind.” The young N7 recruit signals to somebody behind him. “Figured our fiesta could use a little bit of zesting up.”

I rub my head as the heat of my migraine threatens to grow. I’m not entirely sure who I was thinking I would see, but the sight of the grizzled old mercenary sauntering over to our table was not quite what I was expecting.

“Glad you could make it, Massani.” Garrus stands up and clasps hands with Zaeed. “It’s been too long.”

“Yeah well, when you called earlier it sounded like you could use some half-decent company at this bloody get together of yours.” Zaeed sits down beside the assassin and waves at the waitress. “So is this a goddamn reunion bash or what?”

“At this point it’s turning into an interview.” Joker crosses his arms and frowns at me from beneath the rim of his cap. “We were just about to put the screws to the Major here...”

“Don’t drag me into your interrogation. I’m just here for the drinks.” Vega shoots me a mischievous grin. “But if the story involves Asari strippers, count me in.”

“There were no Asari strippers,” I groan. “And there will be no interrogation! It was just a minor misunderstanding.”

“Uh oh – that spells trouble,” Zaeed’s gaze narrows. “We all know ‘minor misunderstanding’ is code for ‘kicked your sodding ass’. Nobody at this table is buying your goddamn cover story, Alenko. So spit it out.”

“Thank you, Zaeed. See? Somebody around here needs to get through to you,” Joker persists, his lips pinching into a thin line. “Because if anyone is trying to kill you, Kaidan, then—”

“Joker!” I warn him with a flick of my eyes toward the crowd. “Not so loud. Anyone could be listening.”

“You’d better start at the beginning,” Garrus suggests, shooting a glance in the fuming pilot’s direction. “Tell us everything.”

After a reluctant groan, I do exactly that. I take them back to the start of my day, recount how I went to see Doctor Chakwas for my medical appraisal, and then, stepped out into the street only to be shoved in front of a skycar. The two men’s eyes widen significantly at that turn of events. But it’s the discovery of Shepard’s doppelganger that has them intrigued. Joker’s mouth falls open when I whip the aged family photograph out of my pocket and lay it on the table.

“Wait a second, so this was in the back of Shepard’s old journal?” He arches a brow and strokes his stubble-lined jaw. “Up until now I didn’t even know she _had_ a journal. Or a photo of her family. How old is this?” He turns the picture over, studying the date on the back.

“I thought Lola lost all her family on Mindoir,” James enjoins. “Are you telling me that some _hermana_ is running around out there with Shepard’s face? That’s loco!”

I shrug, “It’s the only explanation I can think of right now. Unless anyone here has a better idea?”

“A clone?” Garrus offers tentatively. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

James frowns. “Yeah but Cerberus only made one clone. And we all know how _that_ ended.”

“Guys, this woman wasn’t a clone.” I shake my head adamantly. “She had green eyes and her hair was almost scarlet; Shepard and her clone were both auburn. But her voice was nearly the same, and her smile was identical. I’m telling you, this woman _has_ to be Shepard’s sister.” I tap the picture, pointing to the face of the younger girl in front.

“All of this is doing my head in.” Zaeed indicates for the waitress to bring another round of drinks.

“Shepard’s family died on Mindoir,” Garrus interjects once more. “And up until now I didn’t even know she had a sister. So how can she be here on Earth? And why didn’t we hear about this woman before now?”

“That’s a good question.” I take back the photo and slip it into my pocket.

“The relays were only opened two months ago,” Joker offers. “It’s possible she caught a transport since then. The question is what is she doing here?”

“That’s goddamn obvious.” Zaeed sets down an empty shot glass and snorts. “She’s looking for her sister. With Shepard’s face plastered all over the bloody vids—”

“Then it wouldn’t be hard to track her last known location back to London,” Garrus finishes the thought.

The table falls eerily silent now. The deep thrumming music stirs me after a long moment, and I shake myself out of my reverie.

“So what do you suggest I do?” I cast my eyes around the table, taking in four concerned faces. “Until now we didn’t even know she existed. We know what she’s looking for, and we can guess where she is likely to look next.”

“She can’t know, Kaidan.” Garrus’ mandibles flare and his talons clasp his glass tightly. “It’s a security risk.”

Zaeed’s blurry eye settles on my face. “Last thing we need is goddamn impersonators strolling in claiming their Shepard’s long lost relatives. Who knows what else they’ll be bringing with them. Grenades? Poison?”

 “But what if... I mean,” Vega flounders when all eyes turn on him. “What if she just wants to find the one person she has left?”

“Think about it, Vega.” Garrus taps his glass contemplatively. “The galaxy hasn’t heard anything about Shepard since the Crucible fired. So why is this ‘sister’ here? She can’t possibly think she’ll find Kira Shepard alive and well.”

“Guys, I don’t even know her name.” I lean back in my seat and shrug. “I can’t find a reference to her anywhere in the journal, and with the Alliance information network still under reconstruction, it’s going to be difficult to find out who she really is or where she came from. We’re blind here.”

Joker picks up a coaster and starts flexing it back and forth between his palms. “Unless... Unless we take this to the Shadow Broker.”

A deathly silence falls.

I grimace. “You think she might be able to answer our questions? Find out who this ‘sister’ really is?”

“It’s worth a shot,” Vega adds, shrugging. “What have we got to lose?”

I let out a pent-up breath. “Everything.”

“But what if we lured her in?” Vega insists, leaning forward on his forearms. “We could talk to her, find out what she wants. We have the answers she’s looking for; maybe she can give us something in return.”

My breath catches in my throat. “No, Vega. It’s impossible. And we’re not going to tell this woman anything different to what the rest of the universe has already heard. There’s too much at stake, and I’m not going to risk what little hope we have left on even the slightest chance that this woman is working for the enemy. Agreed?”

The others exchange knowing glances, and then nod simultaneously.

I sigh heavily and cradle my pounding head in clammy hands.

“Are you alright, Major?” Joker asks.

“I... I think I need to get some air.” I stand up and step past James. “Thanks for the drink, guys. I just need some time to figure all this out.”

“Just make sure you don’t get ‘misunderstood’ again,” Garrus warns in a low tone. “The streets are dangerous at this time of night.”

I grin weakly. “I’ll be fine.”

I turn to leave, but Zaeed’s voice stops me.

“You know, Alenko, I can see why Shepard trusted you.” He steps across to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You went through a lot together. I’m sure she’d appreciate that you’re still looking out for her.”

Tears sting my eyes. I am speechless, startled by this display of consideration from the grizzled older man. After a moment, I nod and choke out a reply: “I just wish she were here to see it.”

And then, with a wave in the direction of my old squad-mates, I stroll out the door into the cold night.

 

* * *

 

**\---2186---**

 

I take a sip of my coffee and pull a face – it’s gone cold. Glancing at the clock above my desk, I suddenly realise that I have been reading these surveillance reports for much longer than I first thought. It’s almost three in the afternoon and I remember sitting down at about midday...

_I haven’t eaten since six in the morning._

My stomach verifies this thought with a violent protest and I push myself up out of my seat.

I’m greeted by the heady smell of hot take-out when I open the door to my office. I grin when I see Lieutenant Barrett making his way toward me, holding a box in each hand.

“Afternoon, Sir,” He says with a grin, extending the food toward me as an offering. “I was just about to knock on your door.”

“Good timing,” I smile back, happily receiving the offering. I breathe in the warm scent, my mouth instantly salivating as I recognise the smell of Mongolian Beef and Chicken Satay. “You got my favourites. Thank you, Barrett.”

“It was no problem,” The younger man returns, then cocks his head in the direction of the rest of the squad. “We’re all just exchanging notes. Would you like to join us?”

I nod in acceptance, following the Lieutenant toward the break room.

My ‘students’, as they are still fondly dubbed by Alliance Command, have been operating out of this office at HQ for almost six months now. After Shepard was transferred back to Earth, the squad received orders to follow suit – thanks to Anderson’s efforts to ensure that Operation Safe Haven would continue. Vancouver has been our base ever since.

For me, at least, the transfer was a welcome one. I had been operating off space stations and cruisers for two years. To have my feet back on home turf was a pleasant change, and to be able to stare out over English Bay again... Well. It has brought back lots of memories.

I can still remember coming home after BAaT wound up. It had been one of the darkest times in my life – the sting of Rahna’s rejection, the questioning sessions in that cold interrogation room, the mixed reactions from my old friends after the Alliance shut the facility down – but stepping off the shuttle and feeling that sweet, cool wind brush across my face somehow helped wipe away a little of the bitterness. It would take another few years before I would be brave enough to apply to the Alliance, but if it hadn’t been for this view and for this city, then perhaps I would be a very different man today. I spent almost every night on my parents’ balcony, watching the sun set and thinking through my mistakes. My office at HQ has a similar view, except this time I’m staring out across the water as a respected leader instead of an unruly adolescent.

The strangest part, though, is knowing that Shepard is little more than a dozen feet away.

After her initial trial, Shepard was incarcerated in a small apartment here at HQ. Anderson and Hackett had both pulled strings to make that happen. In many ways I was grateful that Command listened – having Shepard locked away in a cold prison facility would have been devastating to her, not to mention life threatening. I shiver at the thought. Thankfully, that had not been the case. Instead, she’s close by, where the Alliance can keep an eye on her.

Shepard has no idea that I’m here. Anderson didn’t tell her that I would be returning to Earth too – and after our parting, I’m glad that he didn’t. Kira didn’t need to know that I was the one in charge of her security detail.

And she certainly didn’t need to know that I was sitting in an office in the wing opposite her room.

James Vega, Shepard’s bodyguard, has certainly turned out to be as proficient at his duties as I had hoped he would be. It has been years since I last saw the guy. He’s bulked up since then – the young recruit that I met has turned into a powerful soldier, and I have no doubt that he could easily match Shepard blow for blow in combat. Vega has become the representative of Safe Haven, the one who Shepard has come to trust for her protection. In some ways I am jealous of the time they’ve had. The surveillance network has produced hours of vid recordings for my team to wade through, and on some nights I sat up to monitor the channel to let Barrett and Carlton get some well-earned downtime. It was painful to watch Shepard and Vega like that: removed, isolated behind a camera lens. It felt wrong to invade their privacy in some ways. But I know that James is a good man, and while he has some hero-worship issues, he doesn’t have the highly-charged emotion that I would have in his shoes. Often he and Shepard would simply sit around the table and play poker, usually for small packages of food or new reading material. Their banter often tended to grow loud, particularly when Vega lost – which tended to happen often. Shepard would sort out her growing stock of chip packets, magazines and tea bags, grinning wryly at her opponent while he rummaged through his knapsack for a new wager.

Some nights I would sit back and shout at the screen, adding my own comments to the conversation. I knew they couldn’t hear me, but it was better than wallowing in self pity.

On other nights, Vega would sit up alone after Shepard turned in. There was no banter, nothing to watch except the minutes tick past. And on those nights my mind replayed those last few minutes in the hospital, the moment she begged me to trust her, the choice I made...

_I’m sorry._

Sorry. I’ve grown to hate that word – in my mind it has become a horrific blanket excuse for my foolishness, for my hatred of Cerberus, and for my heartless betrayal of Shepard’s trust. I don’t even believe myself anymore. And if we ever met again, why should she...?

Not that we’re likely to meet again.

I don’t know what thought is more painful: The thought that I will never get the chance to tell her that I still care, or that she might turn me away if I did.

The enticing scent of satay and steamed rice drags me back to the present. My hand sends a sharp, jolting complaint to my brain as it finally registers that I’m still holding a hot carton of food.

“And the man emerges from his cave,” Lieutenant Matheson grins at me, her grey eyes flashing from beneath arched blonde eyebrows. “How goes the report?”

“It’s gone,” I laugh, reaching for a serviette and stealing a seat beside the window. “Another uneventful week of surveillance and precautionary sweeps makes for pretty dull reading.”

“I hope somebody in HQ has remembered their coffee today,” Corporal Rob Carlton jokes, his mouth twisting into a satisfied grin. He twirls some egg noodles onto his chopsticks and nods at me. “One of these days I wish Shepard would attempt to bust out or something just to make the vid feed more interesting.”

“Don’t wish too hard,” I reprove, rolling my chopsticks smoothly between my palms. “She might just grant you your wish.”

Campbell chokes on her rice. “Are you kidding?” She swipes one hand across her mouth and grins at Matheson. “Honestly, Jamie, if you were trapped in a room with a hunk of muscle like that Vega, would _you_ want to escape?”

“Hell no,” Matheson laughs. “Actually,” She points her chopsticks at Carlton as she makes her argument, “I would be hoping that Cerberus tries to bust _in_ , just so I could see those muscles in action.”

“Damn!” Campbell’s darkly tanned skin neatly conceals her heated blush. “Now I’m going to be thinking about that instead of writing my duty report.”

“Work your way up the ladder and maybe someday you will get your wish,” Mick Wilder replies steadily, his blue eyes flashing teasingly.

I shake my head slightly, staring into my carton and focusing on eating while I can.

These guys have become like family. This is the sort of lunch-time conversation that I’ve become used to over the past six months. When you live with a group of people twenty-four-seven, you learn to make concessions. While this is certainly not what most commanding officers would consider to be appropriate, I make it a rule that what happens at our desks stays at our desks. The rest of the time, we simply enjoy good food, good company – and more than a little bad humour.

And in my branch of the Biotics Special Division, there is plenty of that in abundance.

Some days it materializes in the form of Wilder and Barrett sparring with dark energy. Other days it manifests in Campbell and Matheson holding a paper tossing competition into the nearest wastepaper basket. But on some days, like today, it takes its shape in the muscular form of one James Vega – who has been the not-so-secret obsession of Campbell for about five months now.

Sometimes I feel more like a parent or a teacher than a commanding officer. And this is definitely one of those moments.

 “My lifetime aspiration: Be imprisoned with a hunk of muscle – my _personal_ bodyguard? Mmhmm.” Campbell tosses her dark ponytail over her shoulder.

“Emphasis on personal,” Barrett mutters under his breath. “Suddenly I’m grateful you’re not Commander Shepard, Liz.”

“If I were, that vid footage would be a hell of a lot more interesting,” Campbell winks.

I can feel Matheson’s eyes boring into my head, but I don’t look up. “Alright, here we go,” She quips, “The Major versus Lieutenant Vega: who would you rather be locked in a room with?”

I choke and furrow my brows in disbelief. “You can’t be serious!”

“It’s a perfectly valid question,” Carlton pipes up, “Nobody is saying anything about what you are actually _doing_ in the room—”

The group erupts in a loud mix of protests and hooting – protests from me, hooting from everyone else.

“I wouldn’t choose either – no offense Major,” Barrett interrupts.

“Oh believe me, none taken,” I reply around a mouthful of chicken.

Carlton elbows him. “Come on then – who? And _don’t_ say Shepard. She’s off limits.” He winks at me knowingly, and I grimace.

The Lieutenant smirks, “Daana Vas Al’Teen!”

“You mean the Quarian version of Khalisah Al-Jalani?” Campbell snorts. She pinches her nose and makes breathing noises beneath her hand, “This is Daana Vas Al’Teen reporting all the day’s celebrity gossip and pointless speculation from across the galaxy. Who needs news when we have masks and trilled ‘r’s?” Then she turns toward Barrett, leaning over slightly and adding even more emphasis to the mock accent. “Stay on the line, hot stuff and maybe I’ll give you my number once we cut to a commercial. Keelah say-hi!”

There is another outburst of whooping, and then Carlton adds, “Alright then, Ivira S’Aralene.”

The mention of the Asari film star, reputed for her Elcor-like stoicism, makes everyone cackle.

This time Carlton performs the impersonation. Laying his hand over his heart, he throws his head back and declares emotionlessly, “You have _ripped_ my soul in two!”

He and Matheson exchange knowing looks then continue, schooling their faces to be utterly impassive as they recite in listless chorus: “Don’t hurt him. I beg of you – don’t hurt him for my sake. Think of the children!”

By this time my sides are aching. I swipe at my eyes, struggling to hold the food in my chopsticks at the riotous conversation taking place around me.

Wilder puffs his chest out fractionally and grins lopsidedly. “Vanyl, the Chatty One.”

This elicits a chorus of wild laughter, myself included, at the thought of Wilder trapped in a room with the Hanar talk-show host.

Barrett adopts a jelly-like posture. “Tell this one, how does the human enjoy its interpersonal recreational activity? Does it prefer to demonstrate its virulence to members of its own species or does it prefer a more diverse population when selecting a mate?”

“That, my friend,” Wilder punctuates the comment with a jab of his elbow, “You will _never_ know.”

As the din dies down, I notice that my omni-tool is pinging. The channel is registered to the Admirals’ office. “Keep it down to a dull roar, people, I’ve got to take this.” I set down my lunch and hit the ‘receive’ button. “Alenko here.”

_“Major Alenko Sir, you’ve been summoned to a board meeting of the Admiralty at 1600.”_

The secretary’s dread-filled tone indicates to me that something is seriously wrong. “Uh… Of course,” I return with a forced smile. “Thank you. I’ll be there.”

The channel cuts out, and I roll my shoulders.

“Guess that means break is over?” Matheson groans.

“Guess so.” I stand and exchange my empty container for the other. Looks like I’ll be finishing lunch off on my walk to the boardroom. “Alright, everyone. Back to work. I’ll contact you as soon as I know what’s going on.”

 

* * *

 

**\---An Hour Later---**

 

When the word ‘dismissed’ is finally uttered, I stroll back out into the hallway. The pressure of talking to so many Admirals at once is enough to bring on the beginnings of a headache. The news they delivered is enough to turn it into a full-blown, crippling migraine.

I rub my face with my hands. The Admirals had been careful not to call them by name. In fact, they are determined not to acknowledge their existence in any way. Warning signals are coming in from across the sector, bases dropping off the radar, ships disappearing from their positions without so much as a call for help. There is only one force in the galaxy that could do that. Shepard tried to warn them, but even so, the leaders of the galaxy would apparently prefer to wait until a Reaper drops down on the city itself before they recognize that they are real.

I know the truth. And it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

_So they’re finally coming._

Worse – we’re not even remotely ready for them. Hell, the Alliance could lose Sol altogether before they’ll have gathered half the military capability to meet those monsters. And what happens then?

I groan, fighting back the bile rising in my throat.

After a minute, I straighten and put a call through to Barrett.

_“Sir?”_

My head spins at the implications of all this, but I know that my team has only got one option now.  “Barrett – there’s a situation. I need you to alert the rest of the team that Plan Delta is now in effect. Tell the others to move out. And get a message to the Normandy – have them ready to move out on my order.”

A few seconds pass before I hear Barrett clear his throat. “Is it them, Sir? Is it the Reapers?”

I close my eyes momentarily, trying to straighten out my thoughts. “I can’t say for certain, Lieutenant, but we need to be ready. We don’t have much time.”

There is a nervous pause and then, “Aye, aye, Sir.”

I’m about to cut the channel when Barrett adds, “Major? In case we don’t get the chance to… You know.” He sighs despondently, “Be careful out there, Sir.”

“You too, Lieutenant.”

I straighten my shoulders, ignoring the stabbing heat in my cranium, and walk back toward the lobby. Even now I’m running through procedure in my head, recalling the locations of the weapons lockers between here and the Alliance space port. It’s little more than a block away. Even if the worst was to occur, I could most likely reach the Normandy in time…

I snap out of my deep thought in time to see Admiral Anderson strolling in my direction. Behind him trail two people – one turns her back to shake the hand of the other, and even from here I recognize Vega’s broad shoulder muscles. The woman seems tiny in comparison to him, but I instantly recognize her slim figure, pale skin, and crimson shoulder-length bob.

Suddenly I feel slightly breathless.

_Is that…?_

Almost as if he can hear my thoughts, Vega tells her, “Good luck in there, Shepard.”

My stomach twists itself into a whole new kind of knot. Previously it had mastered the Sailor’s Knot with ease. But now it seems to be teaching itself the Double Sheet Bend…

I force my legs to keep moving forward. “Anderson.” I pause before forming her name with dry lips, “Shepard?”

Instantly she spins around, her neatly-combed hair bouncing about her long neck. Large, sweet brown eyes lock with mine, and her thick brows curve upward in acknowledgment. Even across the distance, I hear Kira quietly utter my name. “Kaidan…”

It takes all my concentration to keep breathing.

Her face is so different now to the woman I met years ago. Shepard’s hair style is still exactly the same as when we first met, but her natural auburn has long since disappeared beneath a vibrant shade of red dye. In fact, I’m sure that it’s the same colour Jack chose for her when we adopted disguises six months back. I’m startled to discover that she chose to keep it, especially after that talk of going blonde. But there she is: an effervescent redhead. Even her brows are darker to match, and I’m amazed at how radically that alone changes her appearance. But her natural features are still the same. I study her face, and I know for sure that beneath those cosmetic changes, the same woman remains. In many ways I can’t help but stand in awe of how striking she is now. She may be a soldier with years of experience behind her, but Kira Shepard is still incredibly easy on the eyes.

Anderson rouses me from my trance. “How did it go in there, Major?”

“Okay I think,” I return, “Hard to know. I’m just waiting for orders now.”

My eyes drift over to Shepard, only to notice that she’s now walking right toward me. Her hips – which are perhaps slightly more curvaceous than I remember – swing gently with each powerful step, utterly destroying my concentration. She stops beside Anderson; those thick, dark brows drawing together in question. “Major?” Even after all this time, her voice is intoxicating.

Anderson turns to her. “You hadn’t heard?”

“No.” Kira’s eyes – now edged with the subtlest touch of brown eye-shadow – level with mine. That familiar, ever-present sadness rises to the surface. “No, I hadn’t.”

I swallow anxiously. “Sorry, Shepard. It’s been… Well…”

“That’s okay,” She interrupts smoothly, saving me from my stuttering. A hint of a smile dances on her red lips. “Just glad I bumped into you, Kaidan.”

This surprises me. I had been almost bracing myself for a hook punch to the jaw, or an uppercut in my intestines. Instead, the softness in her voice replaces my trepidation with a painful sense of loss.

A lump of emotion forms in my throat. “Yeah,” I reply almost inaudibly, “Me too.”

I’m vaguely aware of a secretary talking to Anderson, and a moment later the Admiral indicates for Shepard to follow him into the briefing room. She nods in acknowledgement before turning that warm gaze upon me once again. Her eyes shine with tenderness, an unspoken hope.

_Did you really miss me?_ I wonder, my lungs constricting at the gentle smile she sends my direction. My head spins and I smile back. Then she passes me, turning to look straight ahead. Her legs easily cover the distance between me and Anderson. A moment later, and with one last glance over her shoulder, Kira Shepard is gone.

Suddenly I’m aware of a bulky, almost inquisitive presence beside me.

“You know the Commander?” Vega’s voice cuts into my thoughts.

Finally I break my attention from the now-empty doorway. After a moment of silence, the rejoinder comes: “I used to.”

“You _used_ to?” Vega says skeptically, crossing his thick arms.

I send him a glare. “Does it matter?” I turn on my heel and stroll away toward the elevator, pressing the button for it to take me to the ground floor.

“Damn right it does, _Loco_ ,” Vega persists, trotting to catch the elevator with me. He steadies himself against the wall as it smoothly glides down the length of the tower. “I’ve been reporting to you for six months. I sent you my reports, I asked you for advice on how to treat Shepard and everything, and _now_ you tell me that you _actually knew her_?”

I bite back a groan. _How did I know this was coming?_ “We served together a few years ago, okay?”

“Wait – what?” James grabs my shoulder, spinning me around. “Major Alenko, head of Biotics Special Division, served under Commander freaking Shepard?”

“You’re seriously telling me you didn’t know?” I fold my arms and give him back as good a glare as I’m receiving. “It’s in all the files.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.” James shakes his head. “So you’re telling me that you were on her crew, but now you’re working as head coordinator of her protection detail? How the heck…”

The elevator doors glide open and I stride into the lobby. Then, I spin about and jab my finger into his chest. “Look, I wasn’t on her squad for the past two years, okay? I served with her back in 2183, we stopped Saren, and then she died. She _died._ I lost a friend – more than a friend. And when she came back, I…” I let my voice trail off, heat rising into my face. “Why am I telling _you_ this?” I turn and storm away toward the glass front doors, only too aware that the younger soldier is still trailing behind me.

“ _Mierda_!” He exclaims, “Now I know why she was so damn preoccupied.” Vega speeds up so he can walk in front of me, moving backward so he can lecture me to my face. “She was still thinking about _you_!”

I raise one brow suspiciously. “How old are you, Vega, twenty-six?”

“What of it?” He confronts me, coming to a dead stop in the middle of the hallway. People stream past us, watching uncomfortably when James’ voice raises a notch and leaving us a wide berth.

“She’s seven years _older_ than you!” I exclaim, now very obviously annoyed, looking him up and down in frustration. “Shepard wouldn’t lead you on, she’s not like that.”

“This isn’t about her – this is about _you_ ,” Vega challenges, shifting into an aggressive stance. “What the hell, _pendejo?_ You work with Shepard for a year – what, develop feelings for her? And now you think you _own_ her? You watch from the shadows for six freaking months, letting me believe you were neutral and in control, and all this time—”

“ _Stop_!” I bite out through clenched teeth. “You don’t know me, Vega. You don’t know what we went through together. What we had.” I take a step into his personal space. “But I had a duty to perform.”

“A duty that includes letting me make a fool of myself?” The younger man is clearly infuriated now. “It must have been great for you, watching me acting like a star-struck fan. _Hijueputa_!”

I dodge to the right just in time to miss a heavy jab punch. “Vega!” I exclaim, my amp flaring to life violently, creating a stasis field around the fuming Lieutenant. “Don’t do this.”

James struggles, his brows lowering so far that his eyes practically disappear beneath them. “Let me down from here!”

“Not until you get a grip on that temper of yours,” I bark back, crossing my arms. “What would Shepard say if she were here and heard you talk like that? Do you really think she views you that way?”

Two security officers approach me now, their faces contorting in alarm. “Do you need assistance here, Major?”

I shake my head, and they back away, eyeing us apprehensively.

“Shepard is one of the strongest, kind-hearted soldiers I’ve ever met,” I tell Vega in a lowered tone. “She always took me seriously. And believe me, I was just as awestruck as you when I first met her. Yes, it was a long time ago. No, I _didn’t_ tell you because I was under orders to keep my involvement in Safe Haven as quiet as possible. The last thing I need is for her to discover that I’ve been here all this time, okay?” I take a deep breath and release the stasis field. “Shepard was my world once, but I screwed up. I don’t want to hurt her more than I already have.”

James’ face is flushed scarlet, blood still pumping through his veins. He stares at me from beneath those imposing dark brows, clearly still nursing his grudge. “I don’t know why she likes you so much,” He mutters furiously. “You keep secrets from her and treat _her_ like the traitor, and somehow Shepard still finds it in herself to love you.” The soldier shakes his head and curses quietly beneath his breath. “You’re blind, Major.”

At that moment, a heavy vibration rolls through the floor beneath our feet. A shadow fills the sky, blotting out the sun and overwhelming me with a veil of dread. The people around us stop dead in their tracks, their eyes widening and breaths hitched. A cold fear winds its way through my veins; tentatively I step toward the glass windows facing the street.

Vega’s eyes have widened, and now as I let the stasis field drop, he stumbles toward me. “Is that… Is that what I think it is…?”

_I know that sound._

A deep, pulsating roar rips through the air, and the earth shakes violently when an enormous black metal creature descends on the city. Even from down here, from the streets, we can see the sheer size of it: The magnitude of the fiend.

_A Reaper – just as large as Sovereign – here, in Vancouver._

“ _Dios_ ,” James breathes, a cold sweat breaking out across his forehead.

 Now beast pushes itself upright on hideous claw-like legs, peeling back layers of steel and laying its furnace-like heart bare. A deafening roar fills the air, and the Reaper unleashes the beam into the nearest building, sweeping across the skyline relentlessly – moving toward us and not slowing…

 “ _Get out!”_ I yell, pushing Vega toward the doors. “Everybody – get out of the buildings!”

I sprint out into the street, pushing past civilians stricken by panic. Vega trips after me, his height the only thing helping me to keep sight of him in the horde.

It seems that in less than a minute, half of the city of Vancouver has turned out into the streets. Right now it’s safer than being in the high-rise buildings, but when the Reaper forces land, this mass exodus will rapidly escalate into a massacre. Alliance marines are running for the docks, but they too are being impeded by the stampeding population.

I turn my eyes back to the Reaper. _They’re never going to make it in time!_

I shout for the people to find cover nearby, but it’s almost impossible to be heard above the noise. Instead, I grasp the arm of the person closest to me and run toward a skycar on the opposite side of the street. Ducking down behind it, I indicate for the young woman to cover her ears before following suit.

Seconds later, there is a massive explosion. We crumple down further, arms covering our heads when fragments of glass and debris come raining down on us. Thankfully the metal shell of the car shields us from the worst of the onslaught. Momentarily deafened, unable to hear anything but the grating sound of my own breathing, I raise my head. My ears pound in protest when faint noise begins to filter back, and only now do I turn to check on the woman.

She is still sitting beside me, watching me in awe, her large blue eyes streaming with tears. Only now as she extends her hand to thank me do I realize that she is holding a small baby in her arms.

“Thank you,” She whispers. “I won’t forget what you did for us.”

_This is only the beginning._ I force a smile. “Go, quickly – there will be shuttles in the air soon, they can get you out of here.”

She nods, getting to her feet slowly. Then, with one last murmured ‘thank you’, the stranger melts into the swelling crowd.

I press myself up from the ground, searching my surroundings for Vega.

_Where is he?_

A large hand comes to rest on my shoulder, and I turn to see James pointing up into the sky. I follow his line of sight; a sickening realization completing that knot in my gut: The Admiralty Board’s briefing room, once a sparkling sphere of polished silver glass at the top of the Alliance tower, has been reduced to little more than a flaming ruin. Metal girders jut out at hideous angles, snapped like the bones of a hapless creature unable to escape the burning eye of its blood-thirsty predator. Even as we look on, the Reaper shifts the weight of one claw down onto a building little more than a block away, and in response, the crippled Alliance tower shudders dangerously. A cloud of ash rolls out into the street, warning that the structure is now precariously unstable.

_Oh hell… Shepard and Anderson were in there!_

 “Shepard!” James bellows, launching to his feet and preparing to make a run back into the building, even as a fresh burst of dust and debris billows out from inside.

“No!” I grip his collar and wrench the young soldier backwards. “Don’t be a fool, Vega! That tower could come down any minute!”

“We can’t just leave her there!” He chokes, a frantic look in his eyes. The shock is starting to sink in, making his hands trembling violently. “She tried to stop all of this – she doesn’t deserve to die up there alone!”

“She’s not alone,” I remind him, giving his shoulders a firm shake. “Anderson is there too. There’s still a chance they made it. We have to—”

_“This… Admiral Anderson… -port in. Anybody.”_

I jump at the sound of my comm line being activated. I hit the button on my omnitool and tune the frequency. “Anderson? You made it! Are you alright?”

“ _Major Alenko? Is that you? What’s your status?”_

Before I can reply, another explosion rocks the earth. This time, however, instead of a destructive red beam, the Reapers are unleashing a far more potent weapon: Ground troops. Fireballs collide with the ground, spewing hideous ground troops in every direction. I had seen husks before, years ago, but these… These are even more terrifying. Now I behold tall, bulbous creatures; whatever species these poor souls were before, all that remains are the fleshy composites of a fallen species, reconstructed for the Reaper’s own purpose. They spread out across the street in disarray, their powerful weapons sending the surviving civilians screaming and running in all directions. But many are not so lucky: the fallen become their prey. Several of the beasts remain behind the front line, preying on the weak and fallen. My stomach heaves painfully when I realize that they’re not just shooting the stragglers – they’re _eating_ them.

“Cannibals,” I choke out, swallowing down the rising sickness in my gut.

Now one lifts its head to notice me. Its four eyes, burning red with murderous rage, drill into mine, blood still dripping from its distorted, gorged mouth. Its hands release the now mutilated body of its last victim, and turn toward me instead. Letting out a dreadful, gurgling cry, it alerts its companions to our location.

“ _Dios_ ,” James curses.

“ _Move!”_ I bark out, concentrating on firing up my L2 amp once more.

A heady thrumming sound fills my head, the initial warm buzz warning me not to push it too far. I am only too familiar with what happens when I overheat my amp. But this time, hesitation is simply not an option. Glowing blue tendrils of power engulf me. I can feel the dark energy pouring unremittingly through my veins, wrapping around my limbs and curling between my fingertips. A giddying cocktail of power and fear courses through my blood. Letting out a growl at the approaching enemy, I summon a throw, aiming it at the closest group. They fall back into the wave of blue lightning, shrieking in dismay. Before they can recover their footing, a blast of heat rushes past my head and collides with the monsters, driving them backwards in an explosion of flame and flesh.

Spinning about on my heel, I let myself smile just fractionally. Standing in the middle of the street, amidst the rubble and ash, is James Vega. And resting in his giant hands is one of the largest shotguns I have ever seen.

“Need a little help there, Major?” The Lieutenant grins lopsidedly at me from behind the barrel of his shotgun. “Damn I love Carnage.”

I return my attention to the oncoming wall of Cannibals. “Unless Carnage is going to be enough to kill a hundred Cannibals, I suggest we find cover!”

_“Alenko – can you hear me?”_ Anderson repeats over the comm, _“What’s your status?”_

I activate a wide barrier, engulfing myself and Vega. “I’m alive, Admiral, but there are Reapers everywhere!”

_“I can’t raise the Normandy. You’ll have to contact them. We’ll meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out.”_

James clenches and unclenches his fists. “We… I hope that means Shepard is with him.”

I begin to back away from the Cannibals, moving in the direction of the space port. “I guarantee it.”

“Heads up, Major,” Vega interrupts, jerking his head backward in warning. “We’re being flanked!”

Turning to face behind me is difficult enough when I’m trying to maintain a barrier. But unleashing a throw, followed by reave, on a group of swarming Cannibals at the same time is even more so. The beasts manage to take the hint, however, and back away, leaving us an escape route toward English Bay.

“That’s our cue – go!” I shout over the sound of gunfire at my companion. “I’ll cover you!”

“How?” Vega flusters, “You haven’t even got a gun!”

“Then go _find_ me one!” I yell, hurling another round of biotics at the Reapers.

When I told Shepard years ago to ‘pick the best seat for when the Reapers roll in’, I hadn’t realized that we would be at the epicenter of the battle instead. But now I find myself fighting to hold my ground in the middle of the street, watching helplessly while the Reapers tear apart the city I love.

James darts back into my line of vision, tossing me a rifle. Raising the gun, I take advantage of the Cannibals’ distraction and set off a series of cryo blasts.

“Move!” I shout, and the two of us race toward English Bay.

My radio crackles to life once more. “Major, do you read me?”

“Aye, Sir, I can hear you.” I gulp at the smoke-filled air, ignoring the burning sensation in my lungs and sprinting harder across the debris-littered street.

“I’m patching in Shepard,” Anderson says calmly.

“Got it—” Kira’s voice comes across the line for a split second before she’s drowned out by a fierce onslaught of gunfire.

Vega and I only just make it to cover behind a concrete beam before a grenade cluster explodes, wiping out the cover we had been hiding behind before.

“We’re almost to the Normandy,” I tell them breathlessly, occasionally firing a few shots over the top of the concrete beam. “I’ve got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we’re taking heavy fire.” I mute the channel when another set of grenades find their way over the beam. I duck away from the explosives, pushing myself up and recharging my barrier just in time to shield myself from the blast. “ _Vega – get to the dock!”_ My amp is burning hot already at the back of my neck, reminding me afresh that I’m still hopelessly flawed.

_Have… To… Make it…_

We slip away from the enemy as quickly as we can, but moving through the rubble is difficult. The Cannibals are continuing to fire, and occasionally a wave of white heat washes over us when a grenade explodes. Thankfully, my barrier is holding up. The Space Port is little more than a few yards away – I can vaguely make out the silver crest of the Normandy from behind the buildings.

Vega curses behind me, “We need a distraction. Can you hold that barrier for a while longer, Major?”

I manage to nod, ignoring the trickle of blood that is now winding its way down my lip, and I restrain myself from swiping at my nose.

Vega steps around to my side, and lobs several grenades right back, then, with a nod, we sprint down the embankment. The spaceport is right in front of us, and the Normandy is already powered up. The exhaust fumes roll from the thrusters in plumes, sending waves of heat billowing out across the dock. Even from here, the warmth brushes against my face. 

I silently breathe a prayer of thanks. _They got Barrett’s message._

That is until the next round of bullets narrowly misses my head. I flare with dark energy, sending yet another throw in the direction of our pursuers…

My legs give way beneath me, the world surging dizzyingly. A thick arm wraps beneath my shoulders, pulling me my feet, and I blink against the white dots invading my vision.

“Come on, Major, don’t go and faint on me now!”

I claw back to full consciousness, dragging my burning amp and my protesting body along with me. It’s been too long since I’ve been in an intense firefight like this, and it’s taking its toll.

“I can handle it, Vega,” I choke out, pushing him away roughly. I summon enough energy to stumble forward, all the while holding the glowing blue shield around us. “I can get us to the Normandy – but we have to be fast.”

“You want speed? You got it!” Vega launches one last Carnage blast, and then breaks into a sprint.

The engines roar to life when we near the gangway. Just as our feet touch down on the metal, the Normandy lets out a surge of power. The thrusters power up and the docking clamps release. Vega and I stumble into the docking bay just in time for the cruiser to clear her moorings. Wind is still rushing past our ears, but only now does the cargo door slowly begin to close.

_“Welcome aboard the SSV Normandy,”_ A cheery voice greets us over the com. _“This is your Captain speaking!”_

“Joker!” I laugh with abandon, stumbling forward to reach the elevator. “You have perfect timing!”

_“You know me – timing is my specialty.”_.

“ _Major Alenko.”_ Anderson’s voice crackles across the comm channel once more. _“We’re in sight of the spaceport. ETA: 3 minutes.”_

I re-route the signal through my omnitool to the cockpit. “Joker, Anderson is on his way here.”

“I heard!” The pilot returns, “We are under fire! I don’t know if we can – oh s…”

Just now the elevator doors open again and I burst out, running toward the bridge. Just as I arrive, Joker sends the Normandy lurching to the right to miss a Reaper beam. I reactivate my comm. “Anderson, we’ve made it to the Normandy, taking heavy fire—” I let out an exclamation when the ship lurches again. This time, the Reaper beam is working its way toward an Alliance Dreadnaught above the harbour. “Oh God,” I gasp, “They’re taking down that dreadnaught! Evasive maneuvers!”

“I’m trying!” Joker exclaims, his fingers dancing across the console.

An alarm goes off and the hull of the Normandy screeches in response to Joker’s sudden flip. The cruiser spins about and sweeps hard to starboard, narrowly escaping the blast radius. Pieces of metal bounce off our kinetic shields, and despite the horror, a sigh of relief escapes all our lips.

I try to reactivate the comm, but its dead. “I can’t reach them – damn it!”

Joker turns to face a terminal to his left. “EDI, Anderson and Shepard are down there somewhere. They’re trying to make it to the spaceport. Can you pinpoint their location from their comm signals?”

_“I cannot trace any comm signals – they are both currently offline, Mr. Moreau,”_ a smooth female voice replies over the channel. _“If they were to set up an emergency distress beacon, I could plot a course for pick up.”_

“I’ll try making contact again,” I tell them, grinding my teeth and retuning my omnitool. Vega is watching me nervously – and for once I don’t blame him.

After a few moments, Anderson’s voice filters through the static. “Normandy, this is Anderson… Do you read?”

“I’ve got you, Admiral,” I reassure him, “What’s your location?”

“By a downed gunship in the harbor. I’m activating the distress beacon. Send support. We’ve got wounded…”

“ _Mierda_ ,” Vega curses when the signal cuts out once again, clenching his fists so tightly his knuckles turn white.

“ _Jeff, I have the coordinates.”_

“Way to go, EDI!” The pilot’s face lights up like a bulb. “I’ll call for Alliance ground support – you two head down to the cargo bay,” he nods in James’ and my direction. “Go and get them on board safely.”

He didn’t need to say it twice. I’m already sprinting for the elevator.

By the time we reach the cargo bay, Joker is prepping the Normandy for a pick up, extending the gangway in a rush of cold air and blaring alarms. The wind swirls around me, and I look down into the twisted ruins below. Fear grips me, bile rising in my throat when I behold the number of bodies strewn amidst the ruins…

And then she appears.

A tiny figure sprints up an outcrop of steel, her gun cradled in her arms, her red hair blowing wildly in the exhaust. Her fatigues are torn, stained with fresh blood and dirt. Scratches line her cheeks, and yet, there she stands, proud and defiant against a backdrop of destruction. The moment the gangway is close enough, Kira takes a running leap at it. She lands on the metal deck heavily, and I reach for her to help her steady herself against the wind. She doesn’t need my help – not really – but nevertheless she shoots me a grateful smile.

“Welcome aboard, Shepard,” I tell her kindly.

“Thanks.” She straightens up, her height seeming to double even as she stands in the wind – her warrior spirit has been rekindled just by holding a gun again.

But it is more than that. The commander has been reunited with her ship. This isn’t my Normandy anymore, it’s hers. And now that they have been restored to each other…

_Does Shepard even want me here anymore after what I’ve done?_

That familiar dagger of regret twists itself further into my gut.

“Come on!” Kira yells down to Anderson, holding out her hand to him.

“I’m not going.” Anderson’s eyes soften, and for a moment I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing. “You saw those men back there. There’s a million more like them and they need a leader.”

“We’re in this fight together, Anderson.” Shepard’s face falls, devastation written across her features.

“It’s a fight we can’t win – not without help.” Anderson shifts on his feet, glancing back at the Marines behind him. “We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers. Talk to the Council. Convince them to help us.”

Kira throws one hand in the air, “What if they won’t listen?”

“Then make them listen. Now go! That’s an order!”

“I don’t take orders from you anymore – remember?” Shepard smirks half-heartedly, her mirth masking her disquiet.

But just now Anderson reaches into his pocket, producing a silver chain. He’s clutching it tightly in one fist. Then, with a smooth twist of his arm, tosses it to Shepard. “Consider yourself reinstated Commander.”

Kira turns the dog tags over in her hand, tears welling up in her eyes.

The Admiral gives her a pointed look, studying her face. “You know what you have to do.”

“I’ll be back for you,” She calls to him over the sound of the engines. “And I’ll bring every fleet I can.” She turns away, walking up the gangway slightly, then sends Anderson one last look over her shoulder. “Good luck.”

The tremulous words make Anderson’s eyes well up with hopeful tears. “You too, Shepard.”

The exchange is so quiet that I can barely hear them, but the emotion on both of their faces speaks volumes.

Finally, Kira steps back beside me. She gives me one short, broken smile, and then stares out across the bay. For a long moment I remain beside her, watching the ground fall away. The cargo bay doors are closing now, so I turn and walk back toward the armory, scowling down at the ground absently. I hear the sound of Reapers in the distance, the shrieks of husks and victims, the explosions of ships being shot down…

I try to focus on pulling my gun apart instead, channeling my rage into vigor. My fingers complain at the force I use against the harsh cleaning cloth, scouring the surface of the rifle pieces with a new-found sense of urgency. I make a determined effort not to look up when Shepard finally steps away from the sealed cargo bay doors.

No matter how hard I scrubbed at that blood-stained metal, no matter how many times I graze my fingers on the edges of the unloaded rifle, I can’t block out the faces of the friends I left behind. Little could I know that months would pass, that I would still be having nightmares from watching Vancouver burn, from seeing Earth being reduced to a smoldering ruin. Little could I have known what Shepard witnessed that day – or what fresh new horrors were ahead. Instead, I take the weak offer of numbing relief that is given me. I could swear that we have left the worst behind us…


End file.
